


Exile

by Marchling



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: (Light and Not Between Tagged Couples), Anal Sex, Angst, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Blow Jobs, Broken Parabatai Bond, Deruned Alec Lightwood, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Good Parabatai Jace Wayland, Homelessness, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt/Comfort, Jace Wayland is a Lightwood, M/M, Mild Suicidal Thoughts, Not Really Character Death, Parabatai Bond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:13:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 147,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25285210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marchling/pseuds/Marchling
Summary: Imogen Herondale hated Alec Lightwood.Everyone from Jia Penhallow all the way through Jace himself knew of her animosity towards the person that she felt held her grandson back from the all that the Herondale name deserved. Despite this, Alec never thought she would actually move against him because to hurt him was to hurt Jace.He had been wrong.Now, Alec had no runes. His memories were gone. He had no idea who he was, why there was a ragged wound inside of him that he couldn't see or how he had gotten to this abandoned apartment in San Francisco.All he knew was that monsters were tracking him and staying alive might take more strength than he had.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Isabelle Lightwood, Alec Lightwood & Isabelle Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Clary Fray/Jace Wayland, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 1683
Kudos: 1601





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE READ! 
> 
> I usually rate all my stories Mature because I’m an overly cautious person but this time I really mean it. I don’t want to upset anyone, so I want to give a list of the elements in this story that might be upsetting for people. I don’t want to give spoilers, so this will be a very general list. Please feel free to reach out to me if you need a more in-depth explanation. 
> 
> Sexual Content: There are two sex scenes in this story. The first is fairly graphic and includes a blowjob. The second is written more on the flowery end of things than explicit and includes anal sex. 
> 
> Non-Con: There is a short scene where the threat of rape comes up. It is not between any of the established couples and is not graphic. This is fairly short but it is there. 
> 
> Suicidal Thoughts: There are multiple instances of characters having suicidal thoughts. This is both discussed by the characters and shown through POV segments. I wouldn’t say any of it is graphic but the theme is present through multiple points of the story. 
> 
> Please be aware of these if you are sensitive to these topics and again, please feel free to message me and ask me to give you a more spoiler-y but in depth explanation of any of these and I would be happy to do so.
> 
> Otherwise, there’s not much to worry about. This story takes place after season two and ignores season three. 
> 
> Please enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter One**

* * *

“With all due respect, Inquisitor Herondale, I think if you look at the numbers…”

“I will not.” Came the pinched reply. Her voice wasn’t loud but her condemnation of everything Alec was trying to say – of everything Alec was trying to create in the New York Shadow World – was like a thunderclap.

He and Imogen Herondale had literally one thing in common and it was Jace. Everything after that, every value, every opinion, found them diametrically opposed to each other. How was he supposed to make any progress in his Institute if he had her constantly challenging him?

“Any Downworlder on Shadowhunter violence is too much, Mr. Lightwood. Despite what you may think.” Her voice was frosty. That Alec could take, it was her words that made him want to throw his phone against the wall.

It took everything in him to keep his voice even, “No one is disputing that, Inquisitor.”

“And yet I see a number that is not zero in your report, Mr. Lightwood.”

She was being so deliberately obtuse he could hardly cope with it. Bigots like her were how men like Valentine were created. He’d say that to her but considering what had happened to her son, it was too low a blow. She would deserve it but he still wouldn’t say it.

The moment he had turned in his quarterly report regarding violence between Shadowhunters and Downworlders, he’d known this phone call was coming. Despite the fact that Alec’s numbers were no higher than any other Institute’s, that they were in fact one of the lower numbers in the Northeast as a whole, he was still being berated.

All because _his_ methods weren’t the Clave’s. Because he didn’t automatically call the Downworlder involved in the fight the one at fault. Because he didn’t execute them, try them or turn them over to the Clave for minor offenses. Because he loved one of them.

And because he wasn’t Jace. That still burned Imogen. It probably always would.

“My numbers aren’t any higher than any other Institutes. We have half as much Downworlder on Shadowhunter violence as the Houston Institute and…”

“Mr. Lightwood!” The Inquisitor sounded scandalized, “We are not discussing the Houston Institute and frankly I find it appalling that you would try to compare two vastly different areas in an attempt to make yourself look better.”

Alec’s fingers clenched around his phone, “I’m merely pointing out where my Institute falls in the statistics, Inquisitor.”

“ _Your_ Institute?” The frost is back, so audible that if anyone else in the Clave could hear her they would have to acknowledge it.

There it was again, her anger about how her grandson wasn’t running New York. “The Institute that I run.” He clarified.

“A position you will not hold much longer if you cannot control the situation in New York, Mr. Lightwood.”

Another call, another threat. He’d gotten them a thousand times but it didn’t make the tense feeling inside any better. The thought of having his dream ripped away from him was enough to make his chest tight but the idea of having an Inquisitor-approved Head installed in New York was its own horror. If Jace wouldn’t take the job, what kind of person would she force on them?

And how many Downworlders would pay the ultimate price for Alec’s failure?

“Our numbers are down from last quarter.” Alec reminded. She couldn’t deny that.

Predictably, there was a sniff at the other end of the line that said she wouldn’t try to as though it were below her. He was beginning to think that there wasn’t much that Imogen Herondale would find below her if it got what she wanted done. She was a viper.

“Your only saving grace,” The Inquisitor acknowledged. “I expect better, Lightwood.” No more _Mr._ Lightwood now.

“We at the New York Institute always strive for better.” Alec answered.

He got a click for his trouble and though it was incredibly rude of her, he was still relieved. Alec set down his phone and leaned back in his chair, “ _Fuck_ ,”

His door opened quietly and Alec didn’t need to tear his eyes from his ceiling to know it was Jace.

“Your grandmother wants me dead.” Alec said. Once upon a time he would have pretended otherwise because he knew Jace didn’t like the animosity between him and Imogen. _She_ didn’t pretend otherwise though and Jace wasn’t blind. There wasn’t any point pretending when Jace already knew the truth.

At the very least, he was glad that if Jace _had_ to know the truth, he knew it wasn’t Alec making the problem. That Alec was doing his best to be respectful of Jace’s grandmother. She was the aggressor in their animosity, not him.

“She doesn’t.” Jace said firmly and Alec fought the urge to scoff audibly.

The click of heels announced their otherwise silent sister’s presence. Izzy came around behind him to tip his head forward and reach for his tense shoulders. For all that her hands were little, they didn’t mess around. Alec groaned as she kneaded at knots like they were her enemies.

“Angel, you’re tense.” She muttered.

“I wonder why.” Alec retorted. He waved a paper copy of the report he had submitted to the Clave, “She ripped this to shreds. Never mind the numbers are better than last quarter – she called that my saving grace – or that we’re in the bottom thirty percent of Institutes in the US in terms of Downworlder on Shadowhunter violence. No, because I’m not using her methods and the number isn’t zero, I’m incompetent and she wants me gone.”

Jace sighed and Alec felt a stab of guilt even though none of it was his fault. Why couldn’t Imogen feel the same?

“She’s going to get over me abdicating for you eventually.” Jace sat down in the visitor’s chair on the other side of Alec’s desk. His arms were braced on his thighs and he leaned in with earnest eyes that said more that he believed it because he desperately wanted to rather than he actually thought his _parabatai_ and his grandmother were destined for harmonious friendship.

Alec didn’t like shattering Jace’s hopes but there wasn’t really anything to do about it. “She won’t. Maybe she’d decide she liked me if I stepped down in favor of you but otherwise…”

Izzy laughed from her spot behind Alec, “Do it. Let her see Jace’s idea of sticking to a budget and see how much she likes it.”

Alec’s laugh quickly turned into a groan as Izzy dug her fingers into a tender spot.

“I can budget.” Jace replied with a smirk, “I just also don’t want to.”

“Spoken like a great future Head of Institute.” Izzy said as though Jace were giving a speech that needed applause.

Jace scoffed and leaned back in his seat so he could set his boots on Alec’s desk, as if Alec hadn’t told him not to about seventy times. “Don’t even throw those words into the universe, Iz. There is never going to be a future for Jace Herondale, Head of the New York Institute.”

Technically, Jace was his deputy. So if Alec died, the job immediately went to Jace unless (or until, because that was what would happen) he abdicated again. Given the life expectancies of Shadowhunters it was well within the non-morbid probability that Jace would be Head again even if it was just for a short amount of time. Alec wasn’t even being pessimistic saying it. Although, of course he _wouldn’t_ actually say it. His siblings wouldn’t like it at all.

“Tell her that.” Alec said instead.

Jace gave him a frustrated look that included a widening of his eyes and grip of an exasperated fist, “I _have_! Like, multiple times. We spent an entire Sunday dinner talking about my career aspirations.”

“Oh god,” Izzy giggled. Alec knew for a fact that she was having the same thoughts as him and he didn’t need a bond to tell him that. “That almost makes me feel bad for her. She’s having some grand visions of you being Consul someday and you’ve already grudgingly accepted a higher position than you ever wanted.”

Jace’s official job title was a hobbled together mess – Deputy Head of the New York Institute and Chief Personnel Supervisor – and only one half of it had actually ever existed prior to Jace.

Upon taking over the job of Head, Alec had tried to do everything himself. He had wanted to prove that he could, that he was absolutely the right man for the job. His siblings had been willing to watch him run on stamina runes and coffee for about two weeks before they shot that idea to hell. When the dust settled, Jace had stolen assigning missions, patrol routes and training sessions for himself.

“That’s literally what I said. Trust me, I explained how if Alec wasn’t Head I wouldn’t be any of my stuff.” Jace gestured to Alec when he said his name as though Alec had unforgivably dragged him into his stupid administrative hell kicking and screaming. To be fair, Alec _had_ dragged Jace into a lot of realms of respectability that his brother would otherwise have never bothered going. It was just in this particular instance that it was all on Jace. 

It just made the unfairness of it all that much more annoying, “You would think she would thank me for it. Or at least acknowledge it.”

“Of course not.” Isabelle said, “That would mean she would have to be grateful to a Lightwood.”

“She should be,” Jace said under her breath, “I’d be dead without the two of you.”

Izzy squeezed Alec’s shoulders once last time but this one was different than her attack/massage. She came around Alec’s front to perch herself on the arm of his chair. “It doesn’t matter what Imogen thinks,” She declared as though that was it, her word was law. Alec wasn’t sure if that kind of attitude was a general little sister thing or Izzy-specific but she’d been lording around the Institute since she could walk, so it at least wasn’t new. “Alec is doing an amazing job and between the opinions of everyone he works with and the reports we turn in, she can’t disprove it. The Clave isn’t going to remove him just because she doesn’t like him, which according to Mom isn’t a well kept secret in Alicante.”

His _parabatai_ seemed at least slightly soothed by Izzy’s reminder. It was probably bolstered by the fact that Jace didn’t think that Imogen was actually ever going to make a move against someone who Jace shared a soul with.

Alec wasn’t so sure but Izzy was right – Imogen Herondale would need a lot more ammunition against him than less than absolutely perfect reports and a personal dislike that stemmed mostly from his lack of Herondale blood.

As long as he didn’t give her anything else, he would be fine.

**\---**

After Alec’s call with the Inquisitor the day hadn’t really gotten much better. Two new recruits fresh from the Academy couldn’t get over their childish rivalry and it had resulted in injuries in the field. A careless mistake in the lab had somehow created a chemical spill that necessitated a basement lockdown and had created a noxious smell in the rest of the Institute which wasn’t great in a place with a lot of decorative stained glass windows that didn’t actually open. He still hadn’t gotten the full explanation but he had dispatched his sister so a heartfelt good luck to the team down there. Add on a shipment delay from the Iron Sisters and a budgetary meeting in Medical and Alec was _done_.

Sometimes he longed for the simplicity of a demon attacking him.

The minute he got through the door of their loft, a little of the tension bled out of him. Here he could finally take a deep breath and just _be._ Alec hung his jacket on the peg by the door and remembered with a soft smile that he wasn’t carrying his bow or his briefcase because tonight he was entirely off. Izzy and Underhill were tending the Institute and Alec was on call for only the most dire of emergencies.

_Finally._

Alec hadn’t told Magnus that this was a possibility because he hadn’t wanted to disappoint his boyfriend if it didn’t end up working out. He’d done that far too many times.

The door to Magnus’ workroom was slightly ajar and Alec could hear Magnus muttering to himself inside. He clearly wasn’t expecting Alec to be home so early.

As silently as he was capable, Alec crept to the crack in the door and widened it just enough that he could see Magnus inside.

“Why all the smoke?” Magnus mumbled petulantly. He was asking the potion that he was making, so Alec was reasonably sure the question was rhetorical. Although, honestly, after some of the things he’d seen happen in this room sentient potions weren’t out of the realm of possibility.

It was clear that Magnus had been working on this all day because he was wearing the same pajama pants that he’d ushered Alec out the door in that morning. Over it he had thrown an emerald green silk robe embroidered with a splash of brightly colored cherry blossoms that looked very fifties to Alec’s inexpert eye. 1950’s, of course. It had to be specified with Magnus because he occasionally trotted out items from the back of his closet from the 1850’s or even earlier.

The clothes paired with Magnus’s bare face and wild hair made Alec’s heart feel like it was going to burst. He loved Magnus dressed up in all his glittery finery, swirling around parties or restaurants like the brightest thing in the galaxy. That was the face of Magnus Bane that Alec had first seen and Alec loved him that way.

But that was also what the rest of the world got to see and it sometimes served as Magnus’ mask.

Seeing him like this though, this unguarded version of Magnus that the warlock considered imperfect, this was Alec’s privilege and honor. It made him love Magnus impossibly more, which was ridiculous because how could he actually love Magnus more? He surprised himself every day though because somehow it _was_ possible.

He chanced opening the door a bit wider so he could lean against the wall and watch Magnus as he whirled around his sturdy wooden worktable, chopping this and stirring that.

If he got to watch Magnus Bane like this for the rest of his life, he would be the luckiest man alive.

It took a good ten minutes before Magnus noticed him in the doorway. Alec hadn’t made a sound but Magnus was also in the zone. His warlock literally jumped when he spied Alec.

“You’re home!” Magnus said with opened arms as he cross the room to stand in front of Alec. His kiss felt like Alec’s reward for a long, frustrating day. “You should have said something, have you been here long?”

Alec shook his head, which wasn’t entirely a lie. “You at a good spot to take a break?”

Magnus grinned at him and waved his hand behind his back, throwing the entire worktable into stasis. Even the curls of smoke from the cauldron froze in place. “I’m all yours.” He answered. Then there was a slight shift over his face, hesitation that he wanted to hide. “Are you home for dinner?”

 _Are you home for the whole night?_ That was what Magnus was really asking him. Things had been hectic at the Institute and his time with Magnus over the last week had been stolen snatches of time. Two nights ago he had even stayed in his room at the Institute which had been depressing to say the least.

“Dinner,” He pressed another kiss to Magnus’ lips, “Dessert,” A kiss to the side of Magnus’ neck, “Breakfast.” A nip to his earlobe.

“Hmm,” Magnus purred, “Lovely,”

Alec was tired, he was worn down and he was hungry.

He wanted Magnus more. He _always_ wanted Magnus more.

It wasn’t gentle, the way Alec shoved Magnus back against his own worktable. If the table hadn’t been spelled, it would have rocked when Magnus’ lower back connected with the edge. It would have protested the less than soft treatment… Magnus just moaned.

Alec’s lips were against Magnus’ again before the sound was even done. His hands slid up the bare skin of Magnus’ sides, feeling the ripple of muscles tensing under his touch. When his thumb found Magnus’ nipple, the warlock groaned again and arched his back into Alec’s touch.

He felt Magnus’s fingers at the edge of his sweater, pulling and demanding. Alec pulled away from Magnus just long enough to rip the sweater up over his head and throw it somewhere they could discover later. It was just cold enough out that Alec had decided to wear a t-shirt under his sweater and he cursed the choice now. Magnus’ lips were against his again and breaking apart a second time sounded like torture.

Magnus wouldn’t have it though. He left Alec no choice, pushing at his shoulders until he was far enough away that Magnus could pull the t-shirt over his head. Then Magnus pulled him back in tight, their bare chests pressing together so there wasn’t a spare inch between them.

Instead of his mouth going back to Magnus’ he kissed his way down his warlock’s neck. Magnus threw his head back, breathing heavy and his hand tangled in Alec’s hair, tugging just enough to guide his head further down.

Down was also where Alec’s questing lips wanted to go. Along Magnus’ chest, brushing his teeth over a nipple, in the grooves of Magnus’ stomach.

Alec fell to his knees in front of Magnus, ready and eager to worship this incredible man before him. His fingers tangled in the waistband of Magnus’ sweatpants and he pulled his mouth from Magnus’s skin just long enough to flash a grin at the cat eyes staring down at him before he pulled.

Magnus kicked away the sweatpants as they fell down around his ankles, leaving him panting and bare except for the silk robe. That Alec left alone, the colors looked too good against bronzed skin to want it gone. His hands went to Magnus’ hips as his lips went to the prize he had just uncovered and he licked up the underside of Magnus’ cock.

“Alec,” Magnus groaned. He still had one hand tangled in Alec’s hair and the other gripped the table behind him, his knees going visibly weak when Alec’s tongue made contact with his heated flesh.

Alec pressed a kiss to the glistening tip, a single swipe of his tongue catching up the drop of precum welling there. He nosed along Magnus’ thick length, pressing little kisses along the way that turned Magnus’ soft moans into something gloriously frustrated. “I love you.” Alec said softly.

“I love you too, you infuriating tease.” Magnus said as he jerked his hips in Alec’s grasp.

Alec’s smile was somewhere between ragged and triumphant but it only lasted a few seconds. He let go of one of Magnus’ hips to firmly grip the base of Magnus’ erection and hold it in place so he could give a hard suck to the head. When Magnus shouted, Alec started to slide his lips down until Magnus was hot and throbbing in his mouth.

Some part of Alec wanted to draw this out, to play with Magnus until the sun rose and they were exhausted and sated. He could feel Magnus’ desperation as he worked his mouth over his cock, bobbing his head and listening to Magnus whine when he kept his slow steady pace. His own cock was hard as steel, trapped uncomfortably in his pants. Alec fumbled with the button on his pants, trying to give himself at least some sort of relief as he kept his focus on Magnus’ pleasure.

“Faster, darling, _please_ ,” Magnus’ voice was strangled sounding, breathy and spoken through a clenched jaw.

Yes, drawing it out would be amazing. But pleasing Magnus was Alec’s peace. Magnus’ words were a request but Alec obeyed as if they were a binding incantation. His hand left his own pants to cup Magnus’ balls, rolling them in his palm and squeezing just enough, just like he knew Magnus liked it. He felt them drawing up as his mouth worked faster.

“Alec,” Magnus’ grip on his hair went painfully tight, “Alec, I’m going to…”

Alec moaned, ready and waiting. The sound of his own eagerness did Magnus in and Alec’s mouth flooded with Magnus’ release. His hands went against Magnus’ sides, holding his warlock up through each wave of pleasure.

Magnus’ hand tugged on Alec’s hair, urging him to tilt his head back. Alec let Magnus fall from his lips as he looked up at Magnus and swallowed deliberately. “Exquisite, Alexander,” Magnus said softly.

Then, the warlock moved. There was no afterglow for Magnus, not with how quickly he lunged down and pushed Alec onto his back. His thigh wedged itself between Alec’s, parting his legs before Alec even had thought to do it himself. Magnus hot hand slid down into Alec’s pants, grasping his cock almost hard enough to be painful. He was so close…

“Come for me, sayang.” Magnus said against Alec’s collarbone. His hand tugged Alec’s length only a few times before he arched his back and came with a hoarse cry.

Alec laid shivering on the floor, his limbs tingling pleasantly as he recovered from the hard and fast orgasm. He hadn’t needed much, not with how close to the edge giving Magnus pleasure had gotten him.

Magnus stretched out along his side, cuddling against him properly, “A surprise night off and a blowjob in my workroom? Such an unexpected treat, my love.”

He grinned while he panted, “Mostly selfish, I’ve missed you too much.”

His answer earned him a surprised laugh, “If that’s what you call selfish…” He waved his hand lazily and the mess on Alec’s skin was vanished away.

“My reward,” Alec turned onto his side so he could see Magnus properly. His cats eyes were still unglamoured and looking at him with such warmth. “Almost everything went just wrong enough today. I’ve been thinking about coming home to you for hours. Pretty much since I left this morning.”

Magnus smiled, “Oh, things were so dire as soon as you walked through the door?”

He was being teased but Alec didn’t care. “You weren’t there. That makes any situation bleak.”

Gentle fingertips traced over Alec’s features, sweeping over his cheekbone and trailing down his nose, Magnus looked at him like _Alec_ was the otherworldly one. “How on earth did I manage to earn you?” His warlock asked wonderingly.

The only answer to that was to kiss him. It was softer this time, just them loving each other, not building up to anything else. It was one of Alec’s favorite ways to kiss Magnus, although there weren’t many ways that weren’t his favorite. Goodbye kisses, maybe.

When they broke apart, Alec kept his eyes closed and his forehead pressed to Magnus’, “I can’t decide what I want more. To lay here with you until morning or to take you somewhere you’d love.”

“Well,” Magnus answered quietly, “I do love this loft. You could take me to the living room and tell me which country you might like to dine from.”

“Anywhere,” Alec said.

Magnus laughed. This was a common problem they had but Magnus had managed to find the perfect compromise, “You pick the country, I’ll pick the meal.”

That was usually the direction the question went – that Alec should pick the country because he knew less about the options than Magnus. Sometimes he liked to throw out countries he barely knew anything about, just to see what Magnus would conjure for him. Slowly, he was getting a good and broad enough sense that he could pose the country option to Magnus.

“Thailand.” Alec chose because it had been a while.

A snap of Magnus’ fingers later and Alec knew their feast was awaiting them. He rolled onto his back with only a little regret. His stomach growled and Magnus laughed. “What did you have for lunch?”

“Nothing.” Alec said as he got to his feet and zipped his pants back up. He didn’t immediately see his t-shirt but his sweater was hiding beside a stack of books. He held up a hand to forestall Magnus’ disapproval, “We had a lab accident just before lunch. The smell was horrific. I don’t think anyone in that Institute had the stomach for lunch.”

“Well then,” Magnus’s voice was only half as disapproving as it would have been, “I suppose I should be grateful you’ve come home in time for dinner. Although, there’s such a thing as restaurants, love.” He managed to locate his sweatpants hanging off the arm of a chair and pulled them back on.

Alec curled his arm in Magnus’ as they walked out into the living room where the food was slowly filling the room with a scent that made Alec’s mouth water, “No time. And seriously, those first two hours were potent. I could have gone anywhere and still wouldn’t have been far enough.”

They decided to eat sitting on the ground around the coffee table. Magnus waved his hand to light the room exclusively by candles and the warm glow soothed the last bit of ragged nerves in Alec. They traded stories about their days, Magnus explaining what he was trying to do with that potion and Alec recounting his hellish phone call with the Inquisitor.

“We need a break, Alexander.” Magnus said as he watched Alec roll some sticky rice into a ball with a smile, “I know you’ve said you don’t have any time for vacation right now, but there’s lots of other things we can do. For instance, there’s a gorgeous lantern festival in Thailand in a few weeks. It’s called Yi Peng. We could get away for a night, maybe even get a hotel room and spend the evening there?”

Magnus was warming to the theme, but then showing Alec the world was one of his favorite things to do so it was no wonder. “Perhaps something simpler? Could you spare even a day? It’s lovely in Hawaii this time of year, I know the perfect little secluded island.”

“Maybe,” Alec laughed softly.

“Or, Marabella’s birthday party is coming soon. She only throws them once a decade at this point but they’re not to be missed.”

How old did someone have to be before they only started marking the occasion by decades? “How old is she turning?” He asked curiously.

“She claims to be turning something like 750 but I know for a fact she’s not a day over 600.” Magnus answered with a dismissive wave of his hand. “She’s a dreadful liar but her fireworks displays are magnificent.”

Alec leaned his head back, skeptical in the extreme, “Warlock parties are wild enough without throwing pyrotechnics in.”

“Darling, I’ve been carefully selecting which parties to bring you to.” Magnus looked at him like he was endearingly naïve. Apparently he was. “If you think you’ve seen wild, you’re sorely mistaken.”

“What about that party in California…” He tried to remember the details. Admittedly he’d been more than a little drunk that night, “San Mateo! From last month.”

Magnus’ expression didn’t change, “Alexander, that affair was positively tame.”

“There was a warlock duel!”

“Those two duel every time they accidentally end up on the same guest list.” Magnus dismissed.

Alec moved his hand to his mouth and then away again in a huge arc, “Some girl spit fire!”

“Eva does do a good fire breathing show,” Magnus conceded, “But I’ve seen Mundanes do perfectly respectable fire breathing routines as well.”

“The ice sculptures came to life.” Alec felt like Magnus was humoring him at this point.

“Face it, my darling.” Magnus said with a wide smile, “You haven’t _really_ seen a warlock party yet.”

Alec glowered just a little. They seemed pretty wild, no matter what Magnus said. “Oh, and when will I?”

“We’ll keep working our way up the debauchery scale.” Magnus promised as though Alec was particularly put out by the low level parties he had been going to as opposed to being proved wrong. “I’ll stop short of the actual orgies, though, I promise.”

Alec almost shuddered. Warlock orgies would probably put him in a coma, if he were inclined to have sex with anyone besides Magnus. He definitely wasn’t. “Thanks,”

“If you change your mind…” Magnus offered teasingly as he waved away the remnants of their meal and drew himself to standing.

Alec accepted the hand to pull himself up. “Do _you_ want to?” He asked, suddenly a little nervous.

The kiss Magnus pressed to his lips was sweet and full of promise. “It gets stale after a while.” He said, as though he wasn’t talking about massive group sex parties. “I much prefer what we have.”

**\---**

“We’ve got another, Alec.”

Underhill’s voice sounded just as tired as Alec felt. The Head of Security came into his office with a tablet that Alec was beginning to dread. The reports of both Downworlders gone rogue and demons in the city had exploded over the last few days. Jace had dispatched more missions in the last seventy two hours than he had in the two weeks before.

Everyone was getting tired of it.

A werewolf that had been killed during an attack last night wasn’t even _from_ New York. He was from Utah, from what Luke had been able to figure out. What he was doing in New York no one knew. Weren’t they having enough of their own issues without busing them in from other states?

There was a groan from his couch where Jace had sprawled himself and threw an arm over his eyes about twenty minutes ago.

Underhill jerked when he heard it; apparently he hadn’t realized that Alec’s office was where Jace had retreated when he had escaped Ops. “Oh, there you are.” Underhill said, as though he had gone looking for Jace before he had come to Alec. He probably had, although everyone had started avoiding Jace a good twenty hours ago.

“What is it?” Jace asked Underhill without pulling his arm from his eyes, “A demon on Broadway? Mermaids in the Hudson? What _haven’t_ we had yet? Sasquatch?”

Luckily, Underhill seemed mostly amused by Jace’s dramatic whining. “Some sort of imp creature out by Du Mort.”

“Oh, great,” Jace said, “Who haven’t I sent out in the last twenty-four hours? I’ve lost track.”

Underhill didn’t say anything because if Jace didn’t know then he had no shot. This was, after all, Jace’s gig not his.

“All I want is to go spar,” Jace finally sat up and righted himself. To be fair, he _did_ look pretty exhausted. “Alec, let’s go spar.”

“Assign the mission first.” Alec answered because one of them had to be taking this seriously. The Clave had already been making noise about the situation as the reports started piling in. His Downworlder on Shadowhunter violence numbers were about to go to shit.

Jace stood and grabbed the tablet from Underhill. “We don’t know what kind of demon it is?”

“No, Jace,” Underhill answered. For all that he seemed amused by Jace’s dramatics he seemed even more relieved that Jace was finally taking his own job back. Underhill did security _within_ the Institute, not assigning missions _outside_ of it. “And before you ask, I went out with the team dealing with the vampire nest.”

“How’d that go?” Jace asked absently as he read the sparse details on their ‘imp creature’.

Underhill’s voice was dry, “I submitted my report a few hours ago.”

Jace raised an unimpressed eyebrow, “I’ve got a bit of a backlog, haven’t gotten to yours yet. Deepest apologies.” The _asshole_ was implied but from the widening of Underhill’s grin, he heard it just fine.

“No injuries, four vampires apprehended.” Underhill summed up the vital parts.

Jace made a humming noise that seemed to be positive. At this point, injuries were catastrophic. Each person they were down just made things harder on the rest of them. Clary herself was sleeping off a mild concussion in Jace’s room. He had tried to sit by her side but she’d declared his fidgeting and the notifications on his phone buzzing every two minutes to be too much for her headache and kicked him out. Knowing Clary Fray as he did, Alec knew she would be back up and asking to help soon enough but for now she was down for the count.

“Branwell, Fenhaven and Jake whoever, that new guy.” Jace said finally.

Technically, Jace was supposed to go assign the mission or at least text the people he was choosing. He had also been on call for too many hours in a row, so Underhill didn’t say anything about how it wasn’t technically his job do be doing this.

 _Thank you_ , Alec mouthed when Underhill glanced at him wryly.

Orders in place, Underhill left them alone. Or he was escaping Jace. Either were strong possibilities.

“This is ridiculous,” Jace huffed. “I mean, I spent three hours yesterday looking for a pattern or something, I was _that_ sure this was some kind of sabotage.”

The thought had occurred to Alec as well, that they would suddenly have such an uptick in activity across the city. “And?” He asked, genuinely curious.

“There’s nothing. No rhyme or reason in terms of pattern or section of the city and there’s no new big bad making noise. There’s literally nothing.” Jace sounded frustrated but Alec could clearly feel his relief. If this had been the work of some new major threat to the New York Shadow World when they had only just managed to recover from Valentine… there weren’t even words.

“This isn’t unprecedented.” Alec said, “Do you remember when weren’t quite old enough to go on missions yet? That week where New York had a record number of demons? Mom and Dad literally took a vacation after everything settled again.”

Jace laughed, “When Maryse asks for a long weekend on a beach, you know shit went bad.”

Maybe the recovery from this nightmare could be the excuse Alec needed to sneak away for the vacation Magnus had been asking for. He knew his siblings would be down to cover for him, especially if he covered for them in turn. Imogen Herondale could hardly get on _him_ for taking a couple of days away if Jace did the same thing.

Who was he kidding? Yes, she absolutely could and _would_.

And, speaking of Imogen, “Has your grandmother said anything about all of this?”

“No, actually.” Jace said with no small measure of surprise. Maybe some relief too, if Alec was reading him right and now that their bond was stronger than ever he was hardly ever wrong anymore.

“Small favors.” Alec relaxed a little. He hadn’t heard much of anything from Imogen during this whole debacle either. He knew she was watching, though. She had to be.

There was a little jolt down their bond that let Alec knew that Jace was about to say something _he_ thought was great. “How’s Magnus?”

“Good.” Alec said slowly, wondering. Jace didn’t _not_ ask about Magnus. They were pretty much friends at this point. More than he and Clary were, although he had been putting in an effort to change that. Small doses of her, he was finding, were _key_.

“So,” Jace said innocently, “Would he possibly be willing to tag in on any of this? You know, get out of the loft, have some fun?”

Alec laughed, “I think we both know this isn’t his idea of fun.”

Another little twinge down the bond. Jace gave him a sly glance, “I’ll assign you missions together. Wear those pants Izzy bought you. He’ll enjoy himself.”

“Seriously, Jace?” Alec crumpled up one of the useless papers on his desk and threw it at his _parabatai_.

Jace caught the paper and lobbed it back onto Alec’s desk, “I’m just saying, we all have to work for the greater good, Alec. Pouring yourself into those pants and putting on enough of a show to drag the great Magnus Bane into fieldwork might just get you a commendation from Alicante.”

“I’m one hundred percent positive it won’t.” Alec said dryly.

The door to his office cracked open again and Alec had to fight the urge to groan when he saw Underhill poke his head in. Nothing against the guy himself but seriously, if that tablet in his hands held another mission… “Come in,” He said a little needlessly.

“No, get out.” Jace protested weakly.

Underhill ignored him and held a tablet out to him, “If you’re going to hide in here, could you at least put someone else from your team in Ops?”

“They’re sleeping.” Jace said absently as he took the tablet.

Jace, to Alec’s surprise, was a benevolent supervisor. He and the personnel team seemed to have a good relationship, which was less surprising because Jace was easy to get along with generally speaking. When he was there, he took the brunt of the work for himself. It was just implied that when he swanned off to save the world, they had to return the favor and keep the personnel department in one piece. He was happy for his siblings, that their jobs had teams that could pick up their slack, and slightly jealous that there weren’t really enough people that he trusted and had high enough clearance to do the same for him.

If Magnus could hear that complaint, he would call it progress. It just made Alec feel slightly guilty and a lot selfish.

“A rogue warlock in a warehouse just outside of Hell’s Kitchen.” Jace said with a bit of dread in his voice.

Most people sounded like that when missions involving warlocks came up, though. One, warlocks were hard opponents to face.

More than that, though, Alec knew he was slightly obsessive about warlock related mission. What if things went wrong and one of his Shadowhunters killed one of Magnus’ old friends? What if Alec made the wrong move and Magnus’ own kind turned on him for loving a Shadowhunter?

It was tense. Alec _hated_ when rogue warlocks kicked up trouble in New York. Thankfully, warlocks had only come up a couple of times in this whole mess. That made sense though – warlocks couldn’t really _go feral_ in the way that werewolves or vampires could and they were generally less volatile than the lesser Fae like sprites and nymphs. A handful of opportunistic warlocks who saw the chaos and thought that they could use it to their advantage were unfortunately expected.

“You wanted to spar,” Alec said to Jace, “Let’s go.”

“You want to take this one together?” Jace asked with a raised eyebrow. Alec hadn’t been out on any missions in this mess yet because Alicante – _Imogen_ – bitched that he needed to be in the Institute, not living the life of a regular soldier.

For all that Jace was surprised, Alec could also feel his eagerness warming their bond. His rune practically sang with excitement and Alec felt his own heart start to pound just a little with an echo of it.

It _did_ sound like fun, warlock aside. He and Jace hadn’t taken a non-Valentine related mission in way too long. At least, not without Izzy and or Clary. And nothing against them but it was different if Jace and Alec were alone to do their own thing.

The more he thought about it, the more it seemed like the right decision. He needed to get some of his own nervous energy out, he trusted himself and Jace to deal with the warlock as humanely as possible and Jace needed that kind of break. “Yeah,” He said as he stood, “You and I, let’s do it.”

“Who else?” Underhill asked, because he hadn’t been around during their teen years when they used to get assigned missions either the two of them or with Izzy that would normally go to a team double their size.

“No one else,” Jace said without needing to consult Alec. “We’ve got this ourselves.”

Underhill looked skeptical. “You’re sure?”

“Yeah, go wake up Fairglen and tell her she’s up to bat.” Jace said.

That got him a slightly alarmed look, “I’d rather not.”

To be fair to him, Veronica Fairglen _was_ kind of scary. Jace thought she was great and she hadn’t let him down yet though, so that granted her a little leeway in terms of social interaction.

“Tell her I went on a mission,” Jace said as he and Alec moved towards the door so they could hit the armory on their way out. “Say it fast, too. You know how quick she is with her crossbow.”

Alec threw an apologetic smile over his shoulder but neither he nor his _parabatai_ slowed down any.

This was going to be _fun._

**\---**

Sinking into the bond with Jace felt more restful than any of the sleep Alec had gotten in the last few days. They stopped needing words, they just _were_.

There was a strange charge around the building that felt like magic but in a completely different way than Magnus’ normally felt. This wasn’t warm and comforting, this was prickly and ill intentioned. He knew Jace could feel it too and it set the both of their hair on end.

They were definitely in the right place.

The huge hanger doors at the front of the building were locked tight and would have made too much noise to open; they dismissed the option of breaking in through them without thought. As they crept around the side of the building, Alec pointed out the fire escape.

A sound caught Jace’s attention though and before his _parabatai_ could convince him to go up and in silently, Jace was racing around the far corner towards the back of the building.

“Jace!” Alec hissed near silently as he tugged on their bond to get his _parabatai’s_ attention. He pulled the string of his bow back a little tighter and ran after his brother, just in time to see Jace with his blade at the ready darting into a door that was slightly ajar.

There was a flash of light and Alec felt his heart almost stop when he felt Jace go down. Unconscious but not injured.

_The warlock!_

Alec crept closer to the door, trying to see the warlock’s location better. If he took the extra few seconds, the warlock might think that Jace had been alone. If no one charged in behind him… they had been _silent_ , how could anyone have known they were coming? Wards? Around an entire warehouse that had been unoccupied just yesterday?

“Get in, Lightwood.”

Alec froze. The voice behind him was hard and without any emotion.

An ambush then, some sort of set-up. Alec let the string of his bow go slack as he raised his free hand up. Slowly, he pivoted in place to see the person who had spoken.

A Shadowhunter.

And one without a Circle rune.

_Well shit._

“I said, get in.” The man said with more force in his voice. His hands held a seraph blade that he shifted just enough to make it hard to ignore.

Alec turned back around and saw someone gathering up Jace and pulling him inside the warehouse. His jaw clenched, watching someone lay their hands on his _parabatai._ He walked forward slowly, more willing now than he had been before. If Jace was going inside then so was Alec, whether they wanted it or not.

The possibilities were swirling around in his head. A new group rising from the ashes of the Circle? Where they from New York? The guy barking the orders didn’t look familiar but he could have just been new.

It was dark inside the warehouse and it took Alec’s eyes a few seconds to adjust. When they did, he froze.

There, standing beside a single chair fit with cuffs, was Imogen Herondale.

And she was _smirking_ at him.

“Hello, Mr. Lightwood.”


	2. Chapter Two

* * *

**Chapter Two**

* * *

It took Alec too long to realize he was on trial.

He had been to a few before, Izzy’s included. This was nothing like anything he had ever seen, anything he had ever even _heard_ of. There was no audience, no witnesses and none of his peers. He got no offer of counsel.

It was just Imogen, circling his chair like a demon ready to strike. About a dozen people, mostly men, were scattered around the room listening but not interacting. He recognized none of them, so if they were Clave officials, they weren’t high ranking ones. Imogen laid out her charges and Alec sputtered, half horrified at the lies and half panicked.

“You can’t think anyone is going to buy this.” Alec bit out as she accused him of treasonous act after treasonous act.

Imogen went to a rusted metal table nearly out of Alec’s field of vision and rustled some papers, “August 23rd,” She came back around to his front with a paper in her hands, “Two Mundanes are killed by a rogue werewolf. The law demands death for the charge, yet the New York Institute released the werewolf into pack custody. Three New York Shadowhunters file a complaint with the Head of Institute but are ignored and given punishment duty chores for speaking out.”

Alec gaped at her, “That’s not true. Literally none of that is true.”

“On August 4th, a single drunk Mundane had been injured because a newly turned werewolf had been frightened by his aggressive behavior and shifted. The Mundane was Encanto’d by one of Raphael Santiago’s lieutenants and the werewolf was returned to his pack with a stern request to the Alpha – Luke Garroway – that he be escorted around with a senior pack member until he got his shifting more under control.”

Before Alec could say any of that, could do anything to defend himself, Imogen spoke again.

“Just a week later, a warlock on the Clave’s Watch List entered New York and the New York Institute did nothing to attempt to detain him, as per Clave orders.”

“I don’t know anything about that, there…”

She cut him off, “September 13th, a rogue vampire…”

Imogen went on, outlining a story that bares the slightest resemblance to what had actually happened. With a sick stomach, he listened as she went through three more stories following the exact same pattern. With each story, she came around to face him better and closer, until she was standing right in front of him reading from her papers as though they were a script for a play.

“… resulting in injuries to a new recruit who shortly thereafter requested to be transferred out from New York.” Imogen finished her latest slew of lies.

“He requested to be transferred out because his brother was badly injured in Boston and he wanted to be in that Institute to help with his recovery.” Alec protested through gritted teeth.

Imogen shook her head slowly, like she was confused, “That’s not what you told the Clave, Mr. Lightwood.”

And then she turned the paper over and Alec saw it was a standard mission report. In the description of the mission, he caught the lines of lies that she had just read.

At the bottom was his signature.

“You’re doctoring the reports.” Alec breathed out slowly. Suddenly, this was much worse than it had seemed from the start.

Things made so much more sense, especially the presence of Clave personnel. Imogen had been changing reports on him _for months_. Enough to get her the backing she needed in Alicante to do this.

Alec looked around at the hard-faced Shadowhunters around him, “These are lies. I can prove it. If we called any of these witnesses, I could prove it. That’s why she’s convinced the Clave to do the trial like this, because she knows none of this will hold up if anyone in New York is - ”

Out of nowhere, Imogen backhanded him harder than it seemed someone her age should be capable. Still, he’d had worse. He’d had _much_ worse.

“What is everyone going to do to you when they realize you’re a fraud?” Alec spat out. Her ring had cut his lip and he felt the sting as his lips moved but he would have spoken through bloody lips for a thousand years to say what he wanted to say. “What will Jace say when he finds out what lies you’ve told the Clave about me?”

“Keep my grandson’s name out of your mouth, traitor.” Imogen said coolly.

Alec almost laughed, “Your grandson who you knocked unconscious? Your grandson, my _parabatai_? Part of my soul? You must know he won’t stand for this.”

The look in her eyes froze Alec to his core. She looked _triumphant_ , like she had already won.

“You’ve been found guilty by the Clave for your crimes against your fellow Shadowhunters, the Clave and the duty given to us by the Angels.”

Alec gaped at her. “H-how?”

Her mouth thinned down into a single straight line as she stared down at him. After a second, she turned to the rest of the room and said, “Can you please give me a moment with the prisoner?”

That got the first sign of reluctance out of the assembled ‘audience’. A few people went right away, a few hesitated a second and only one woman stared for a full thirty seconds while she stood alone before she finally gave a tense nod and walked towards the door but didn’t actually leave. She did turn her face though, so Alec couldn’t even try to beg her with his eyes to believe him.

“I pushed for execution, of course.” Imogen said conversationally and Alec felt his heartbeat jolt at her words.

He wasn’t sure what he had expected. _Of course_ he couldn’t go into the City of Bones if she wanted this to stick. To actually _work_. There was nowhere on this earth that Magnus and his siblings wouldn’t find him.

“The Clave disagreed with me.” Imogen continued softly. She didn’t sound that put out by it. “I was angry at first. You prioritize Downworlder lives over the lives of your own kind. You disgrace my grandson and your family name. You hold Jace back, you’re ruining his future. I think there’s no more fitting way to eliminate the problem you pose than to make you pay the ultimate price.”

More fool her, if she thought that his life was the ultimate price he could pay. No, that would be the lives of his loved ones and Alec would do anything to keep them safe. If he had to die to do it, then he would go gladly.

This though, this was just ripping their hearts to shreds for no reason at all. This was taking him away from them when he was meant to protect them from all the harm that he could.

“What happens to Jace if I’m dead?” Alec asked her quietly with the rage he wanted to unleash on this hateful woman just barely held in check.

“I have no doubt there will be initial pain.” Imogen admitted, “If I had known Jace when he was younger, I would never have allowed him to bind himself to you _or_ to anyone else. Some people consider the _parabatai_ bond sacred. An asset. I never have. It’s a liability. Lose one, lose the other. It’s nothing but waste.”

Hearing something that Alec loved so much being casually dismissed was infuriating. “It doesn’t matter what you think. It matters what Jace thinks. It matters what will happen to him if you kill me.”

“You never listen, Lightwood. I said you weren’t being executed.” She tilted her head to add, “Although for Jace, you might as well be so I suppose your lack of attention to detail doesn’t particularly matter in this case.”

Even though Alec wanted to keep talking about Jace, to make her understand what she was going to do to her own grandson if she actually went through with this, he couldn’t help but let some of the confusion bleed onto his expression. If she wasn’t killing him…

“I have two warlocks here.” Imogen sniffed with distain. “A regrettable necessity. When the Clave denied the sentence you deserved, I had to make alternative arrangements.”

Alternative arrangements that included two warlocks couldn’t have been only a deruning. Especially since a deruning meant that Alec would still be free to tell anyone who would listen about what she had done.

“You will be deruned.” Imogen said and Alec flinched.

_“You will be deruned and your memories will be destroyed.”_

Alec stared at her.

Imogen’s smile grew. “The memories will go first. Unfortunately, the warlock I’ve engaged says the mental trauma might kill you if you’re just a human. So the memory spell will happen and then the deruning, because I can’t kill you here. While your _parabatai_ rune is removed, the other warlock will keep Jace stable and of course he’ll be unconscious. Then, this warehouse will be burnt to the ground. Your body, _sadly_ , will never be found.”

Alec shut his eyes tight. A thick wave of fear almost stole his breath.

Magnus’ face flashed in front of his closed lids. Staring at him like Alec was his gift for a lifetime of pain.

Jace, eyes flashing and grin wide, dancing too close to the flames _always_. One step away from letting himself be burned, except for the bond that connected him to someone who would never let him be hurt.

Isabelle’s sweet smile, looking up at him with all the trust in the world.

His baby brother, growing up so fast and reminding Alec to stop and let the moment soak in before it was gone.

Clary. His parents. Madzie. Catarina. Underhill. A whole Institute of people who relied on _him_. The Downworld and all the people he was meeting who were just starting to trust that he wasn’t just trying to lull them into a false sense of security.

Alec opened his eyes and blinked away a tear with no shame for letting her see them. “I love Jace.” He saw her lip curl up and he shook his head desperately, “ _Don’t_. Don’t say you don’t know it. I love him. He’s my brother. He’s my soul. And I know you love him too. I hate you, but I know you care about him.”

Imogen’s mouth opened but no sound came out for a second. Then, grudgingly, she nodded sharply.

“Don’t do this to him.” Alec begged her.

“I will protect my grandson. He’ll recover from your loss and be stronger for it.” There was something in her face, the stubborn clench of her jaw maybe, and suddenly she reminded him of Jace for the first time ever.

When Jace believed he was doing the right thing, did anything stop him?

Alec wanted to laugh in her face. He couldn’t let her see that though, couldn’t let her see the _insolence_ or the _pride_. The only thing safe to let her see was the _love_ , “You’ll be out in the field with him watching his back when he gets too wrapped up in the hunt? You’ll know when Valentine’s old speech about how loving is destroying starts echoing in his ears and makes him push everyone he cares about away? You’ll show up with ice cream in the middle of the night because he just had a nightmare? You won’t. You’re hurting Jace just as bad as you’re hurting me. Worse, maybe, because he’ll know why he feels so hollow and dead inside. I won’t, but he will. And he’ll blame himself for it. He’ll hate himself for it.”

For a split second, he thought maybe he saw regret in her eyes. Softening, maybe. Anything to prove that she actually cared about Jace as a person and not just another Herondale to keep the line up.

Without meaning to, his eyes darted over to the corner of the room where Jace was laid out on the ground unconscious. So close but too far away. With him, but not with him enough.

Alec’s heart broke for him. If she went through with this and Jace woke up outside a burning building with their rune gone…

Imogen’s eyes followed his and she stared at Jace.

Was she finally seeing him? _Really_ seeing him? Not her son, not a Herondale heir, not as the fiercest warrior the Nephilim had… Just Jace. Jace, too stubborn. Jace, who could cook better than Alec and Izzy combined. Jace, who whined the entire time when Alec convinced him to go for a run with him. Jace, a brilliant piano player. Jace, with too many nightmares both new and old.

Jace, whose soul she was about to tear in half.

“It’s not too late to stop this.” Alec whispered.

“I’ll protect him.” Imogen said again and this time it sounded maybe a little more like an offering than either of them was comfortable with. “I’ll make sure he reaches his full potential. He needs this.”

“Valentine said the same things.”

She flinched and Alec regretted it instantly. Not because she didn’t deserve to hear it but because it went too far for her mercy to follow. A misstep that he wouldn’t be able to fix.

His last chance, gone in a twist of her lips and a turn of her head.

He hated her. Jace would hate her if he knew what she was doing but his _parabatai_ didn’t, so Alec would have to hate her enough for them both.

Imogen’s eyes went over his head and Alec jerked in his bonds when he heard footsteps behind him. Someone he didn’t know was there.

“Wait,” Alec tried again, “You don’t…”

“Enough, Lightwood.” Imogen cut him off without even looking at him. Like he was already nothing.

Two hands pressed to Alec’s temples.

“Let’s begin.”

And Alec was lost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I mention that everyone who loves Alec thinks he's dead so no one will be looking for him?
> 
> Thank you for all of the support and kind words for the first chapter! I would love to hear what everyone thinks!!


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you SO MUCH for all of your generous and awesome comments - I so appreciate hearing everyone's thoughts and excitement for the story!!!
> 
> Exile, fyi, is entirely in Alec's POV. For the suspense ;)

* * *

**Chapter Three**

* * *

His eyes blinked open slowly, shutting again after barely making out the ceiling above.

Everything hurt.

_Something was wrong._

It took everything he had to open his eyes again. Sunlight was streaming in to his right and there was a light above him covered with a cracked glass dome that showed no bulbs were actually in the fixture.

_Where was this?_

If there was sunlight, there had to be a window. He moved his head to the side to try to see but the second his neck moved his skin exploded in pain. Worse than before. Worse than anything. He groaned and slammed his eyes shut, his hands curling into fists. Tensing his arms lit up a new pain and…

 _Oh god, please make it stop_ …

**\---**

He drifted.

The muffled noises outside the window dragged him up better than anything else. The pain threatened to send him back under and some part of him wanted it. His brain throbbed in his skull and the pressure made him feel like he was going to explode.

The vicious ache of his skin was rivaled only by the weird gaping _nothing_ inside of him. There was something torn open and crying and he didn’t understand what. He didn’t understand _any of this_.

Moving again sounded like a bad idea but he was _so_ thirsty he couldn’t stand it. He had to figure this place out, figure out where he was.

When he opened his eyes again, the sunlight had gone orange and dark. It was nearly nighttime. Had he slept the whole day?

But what… what was _before?_

What was yesterday?

Everything in his memory was one giant blank. There was waking up before, when he moved his neck and passed out because it hurt so bad, but that was it. That was all he had in his head.

There had to be more.

There had to be a reason why he was here. A reason why he was hurt. A reason why he was alone.

 _Fuck,_ what was his _name?_

Carefully, he shifted his arms back just a little. Just enough to see how bad it got. When he bent his elbows and his skin shifted, it felt like something was pulling. He didn’t understand what though, nothing except that it ached.

He grit his teeth and shifted again, getting his arms underneath him well enough that he could sit up. The movement was slow and it hurt and it shouldn’t have felt like an accomplishment but it _did_.

Once he was vaguely upright, he clenched his eyes shut as the room swam around him. Now that his back wasn’t against the ground, he realized there were more points of pain on his skin than he realized. The shift of his shirt against them made everything feel raw.

“Water,” He mumbled before flinching. Was that his voice?

His vocal cords felt shredded but he also wasn’t sure that was true. There wasn’t anything to compare it to, so he didn’t know why he was so sure they were.

Blearily, he looked around the space, trying to work out where he was.

The room was small and white, two windows on one wall and one on the adjacent one. There was an open doorway that seemed to lead to a hallway. Next to it was another door that was opened just enough that he could make out a bar with nothing hanging on it inside. A closet, then.

Through the hall, there was another doorway but it wasn’t near enough to the windows to make out what was inside. He squinted and after a second, he realized he could see a toilet. So it was a bathroom? If it was, there would be a sink. If there was a sink, there would be water, right?

The doorway was at least ten feet away and moving felt like punishment.

He curled his legs in and that movement hurt less than any of the rest of it. Slowly, he pulled himself up so he was standing and staggered towards the doorway. Once he was inside he reached out for the light switch and a sickly sort of yellow light flickered on above the mirror.

He stared.

He drank in the sight of his own face, trying to find something familiar. Trying to make the sight of his own face spark some memory to help any of this make sense. His eyes were hazel but reddened like he had been crying. His hair was dark and his skin was pale.

_What the hell…_

As slowly as he could manage, he tilted his jaw up so he could see the side of his neck better.

It looked… _burned?_ Raw? Like there was a wound, but there was no blood. It stretched up the length of his neck but only on one side.

Was that the pain from before? Because moving was pissing off this ruined stretch of skin?

So then what was wrong with the rest of him?

He stretched his arm out and gingerly pulled his sleeve up to expose another place that hurt. There was another angry, reddish patch of skin.

Heart pounding, he pulled his shirt up to expose his stomach. More weird wounds, especially around his hips. _Fuck_ , _what could have happened to him?_

_What weapon made wounds like these?_

He looked back up at his own face and tried to read any answer in his own eyes.

“Who am I?”

**\---**

As the sky got darker, his heart started pounding.

Why, he wasn’t sure. There was no one else in this small, dingy apartment. He was afraid to keep the lights on in case he wasn’t where he was supposed to be. Actually, he was pretty sure he wasn’t supposed to be here at all.

After he had stared at himself in the mirror, trying to spark any kind of memory of who he was, he had drank his fill and then some straight from the faucet until his stomach felt like it was sloshing. The water was still running. That was good, right? That meant someone paid some kind of bill?

Was that someone him? Was the water and the lights proof that this place _was_ his?

Just bending forward to get close enough to the tap _hurt._ His pants dug in to the scars on his hips and stomach, his back stretched when he bent forward. The pain was so bad that when he was done drinking he just sank down onto the floor and had to breathe through it.

Every moment he laid stretched out on the bathroom floor, he felt like a failure. Lying here wasn’t figuring any of this out.

_Get up._

He levered himself up with his arms and then sat there, breathing and trying not to pass out. The room swam around him in a wavering sort of way. It made him feel as though he needed to sleep for a hundred years.

His stomach cramped. It was full of water, but water wasn’t food.

That gave him the push he needed to actually stagger to his feet again. He gripped the counter in one hand and the doorknob in the other, trying to keep himself upright when the world went even more dizzy around him.

When he felt sort of steadier, he walked cautiously out of the bathroom and started creeping around the empty apartment, looking for anything he recognized.

Aside from the room he woke up in, a bedroom probably, and the bathroom, there was a tiny living room that was open to an equally tiny kitchen. Another closet was by a front door that led to an outdoor landing. There were stairs going up and he didn’t dare go investigate. Even opening the door and poking his head out for a second made his fingers tingle with panicked adrenalin. It made him want to slam the door shut but he knew better.

If he really _wasn’t_ supposed to be here, then he needed to be quiet. He needed to make sure no one figured out he was in here.

So he shut the door softly and turned back around to lean against the wall, staring at this empty place and trying to think of what to do next.

There wasn’t any furniture or clothes. Nothing on the walls or in the closets. Literally nothing to tell him if this place was his or not. Nothing that told him where he came from.

His eyes traced the bleak space almost frantically. There had to be _something_ he could use.

There was no furniture to hunt in… but there were cabinets in the kitchen.

Having a new plan felt vital to his sanity. He couldn’t just _sit here_ , staring at the walls waiting for something else to happen.

The kitchen was small, not a lot of cabinets and drawers to hide things in. Opening the first one felt like snooping.

It was empty.

All of the cabinets on the bottom were and he tried not to get disappointed.

He got more desperate when the upper cabinets were empty too. He pulled the fridge open next and even though the light went on and it was cold, there was nothing inside of it.

No food in this entire place.

He stood in the center of the mess he had created, every cabinet wide open, and tried not to let himself freak out.

He had water, that was good. He had clothes, that was good too.

His clothes!

He hadn’t thought about it but his pants had to have pockets, right? He patted himself down gingerly, wary of the scars that were angry with all this moving around.

He was wearing sturdy black boots that laced up the front. They were worn, not brand new, but they seemed like they were in decent condition. He had on a long sleeved shirt that was black and looked much more worn than the rest of his clothes. His pants were black and there wasn’t a single thing in the pockets.

_Nothing._

So he had water, one set of clothes, and an apartment that might not stay his.

That wasn’t a lot.

He leaned back against the counter and pulled in a deep breath and then jerked his head sharply when he noticed something hidden at the back of one of the top cabinets, on the very top shelf. His neck was angry, but his heart was in his throat with excitement. An actual thing!

Stretching out his body to reach for the back of the shelf hurt but when his hand came into contact with a cardboard box that pain was instantly worth it.

A box of crackers.

He opened them with shaking, grateful hands. Inside there were four sleeves of crackers.

That was a _lot_.

He jammed two crackers in at once and instantly realized they were stale and old. Forgotten, probably. Whoever cleared this place out probably hadn’t even seen them from where they had fallen over at the back of the shelf. How he knew what a stale cracker tasted like when he’d never eaten anything before he wasn’t sure. Still, he knew it.

That didn’t stop him from eating another five.

When he got down to nearly halfway, he guiltily stopped. This was all he had, he needed to conserve it. Even if his stomach felt like it was burning, he needed to wait to eat more.

He put the box down and stepped away from the temptation of it.

That was when he realized he was forgetting the three drawers under the counters.

The first two drawers were empty and the third only opened halfway but he could see it was too. Something was caught in the track though and so he reached his hand in to try and fish it out.

Something paper, thick and glossy. He tugged at it and pried it free from the track it had gotten wedged into.

It was a menu, he realized with disappointment. That did nothing for him if he didn’t have money and he definitely did _not._

Just seeing the pizza on the front made the hunger pangs grow sharper.

Then his eye caught on the words underneath.

An address.

That wasn’t interesting. He didn’t know where he was let alone where this place was but…

It said San Francisco.

The discovery felt important although he couldn’t figure out why.

San Francisco, he knew, was in California. California was in the United States. Where he’d learned that, he couldn’t remember. Nor did he have any idea of where he had been before.

But he knew where he was now and somehow that felt like gold.

As a reward he ate two more crackers.

**\---**

There were voices outside sometimes. Whenever someone came to go up the stairs, he crouched low and froze. If he was close enough to the counters to hide behind the island, even better.

The longer he stayed there, waiting for something to happen, the more sure he got that he wasn’t supposed to be there.

The sun rising the next morning soothed his ragged nerves.

More people came down the stairs and he got the sense that maybe he was in a first floor apartment and that there were people who lived upstairs. Eventually it got quiet and he uncurled enough to reach for his box of crackers.

Once he ate five, he looked guiltily down at the nearly empty plastic sleeve. There were only three sleeves after that. He could stretch it out but within a few days those crackers would be gone. He needed something else.

Something else, though, was _outside_.

It meant leaving this strange place that was his and not his. He was afraid to be found here but he was even more afraid of leaving. What if he couldn’t come back? Where would he go then?

He sucked in a wavering breath and tried to hold it but it rush back out in one gasp that made his lungs hurt.

He was hungry.

Really hungry.

 _It wasn’t safe_.

 _Tomorrow_ , he decided with a rush of relief and shame.

Tomorrow he would go out and try to find food.

And, if he was lucky, he would still have shelter to return to after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this setting of the stage for Alec's time in San Francisco! 
> 
> Next Up: Alec venturing out earns him glares, some kindness and the knowledge of why the night scares him. 
> 
> Feedback is love :)


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please know that scars ARE NOT disgusting. Anything written below to the contrary is just Alec's opinion of himself and his scars.

* * *

**Chapter Four**

* * *

The scar on his neck freaked people out.

There wasn’t really any way to avoid it. When he hunted through dumpsters for food, he pushed his sleeves up even though it seemed like a better idea to keep the scars on his arms covered and clean. Still, he only had the one shirt and even though he could rinse stains out back at the apartment, he couldn’t really wash anything without soap and it seemed important that he not get totally grungy.

Once he had forgotten to pull his sleeves back down and the look a woman with short blonde hair and bright pink cardigan had given him after spying all of his visible scars put a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. He had never wanted to be seen less. He would have given anything to have some sort of magic spell to make himself invisible.

Even without the scars on his arms showing the one on his neck seemed to make people visibly recoil.

It was like he was some sort of monster.

‘His’ apartment wasn’t too far from an open park with trees and enough trails around it that he could sort of keep out of sight. There was usually someone having a picnic that didn’t get finished entirely and he had managed to steal at least a few bites of food each day.

Instead of his crackers running out by day three – yesterday – like he had been afraid, he still had one full sleeve left. The idea of having nothing left made the worries that churned in his head every day go into new dizzying places.

There was nothing else, was there? If he couldn’t find food then he would starve. The only other way to get it was to pay for it and to do that he needed a job. How could he get a job if he didn’t even have a name? Who would hire him? Who would want their customers to see his nasty scars? And moving still hurt so he was always going slower than other people. He wasn’t sure how he knew it but he was sure that bosses didn’t want slow employees.

“Stop it,” He muttered to himself. “Stop thinking about it.”

“Pardon?”

He flinched, turning to see a young woman with dark hair and dark red lips smiling at him in confusion. He opened his mouth to answer but found the words all jumbled up, “I’m… sorry, I didn’t… I was just, um,”

She laughed and something clenched in his heart. He wasn’t sure what or why. She was pretty, sure, but he absolutely didn’t want to kiss her like those couples he saw laying in the grass together. If anything, he just wanted her to smile at him some more.

“I say things to myself sometimes too.” She forgave his weird slip as though it wasn’t creepy. He was just lucky she had come up on his “good” side.

“Yeah,” He tried to laugh it off, “Yeah, sorry.”

She tossed her dark waves back behind one shoulder, “It’s okay. I just thought you were talking to me.” Her smile changed, less teeth more lips. It made that uncomfortable feeling inside of him well back up.

“Sorry,” He said again, because he didn’t know what else to say.

“I’m Angelica,” She offered with a little wave.

 _Shit…_ “I’m, um, I’m… Matt.” He blurted out. _Matt?_ The kid who got scolded by his mom an hour ago for running ahead of her had been Matt.

“Hi Matt,” Angelica laughed again like he wasn’t that weird after all. Endearingly weird, maybe. Probably. There was no way she didn’t think he was at least a little weird. “You waiting for anyone?”

“No.” He answered, because that at least was something he knew the answer _to_. There was no one coming for him.

Angelica nodded and he realized he should have asked her the same thing. Right? “I’m on my way to class.” She gestured with her hand towards where her school was as if that helped him any. “Do you go anywhere around here?”

“No, I, um, I just… moved here.” He invented. Well, not entirely invented.

Angelica took a few steps closer to him, somehow swishing her black shirt around enough that it seemed to flare out around her. “I have a little time before my next class, do you want…” She stopped and instantly he knew she had seen the scar on his neck. She faltered for a second before recovering more smoothly than anyone before her had, “Do you want to go get some coffee?”

For a second the words didn’t register. If they had, he would have had a second to think of something better to say than, “I don’t have any money.”

Angelica’s eyes widened just a little and he waited for her to make some excuse and walk away. He was a scarred freak who could barely talk to her and was obviously some homeless bum. Yesterday, one mom had literally pulled her children away from him as she shot him dirty looks for like, _existing near them_ or something.

“That’s okay,” Angelica said like it actually _was_ okay. “There’s a little place I like about a block away. My treat.”

He gaped at her.

She laughed and it didn’t sound cruel. “Come on,” She waved her hand at him to encourage him to stand up.

He obeyed, mostly out of shock.

Maybe her friendliness hadn’t changed but her smile had. He wasn’t someone she wanted to kiss anymore, if that was what she had ever wanted. It was okay, though, because that put them on the right foot.

“I’ve got my chem lab next,” Angelica said and she started telling him about her class and complaining about the teacher who was apparently a sexist jerk. He wasn’t familiar with about half of what she was telling him so he figured at least he hadn’t been a brilliant chemist in his other life.

Even better, she didn’t seem to mind when he didn’t have much to offer to the conversation. She just talked and talked, pausing occasionally and giving him big smiles whenever he threw in a little question or something.

The coffee shop she wanted to take him to came up just as she started to switch to talking about another class, having clearly run out of things to say about the chemistry lab. There were a couple of people in line but everyone was facing forward reading the menu board so no one was paying too much attention to him.

That was good, because he had absolutely no idea what to order.

There was probably clear panic on his face because Angelica laid a careful hand on his arm, thankfully _not_ on top of one of his wounds. “Do you not like coffee, Matt?”

“I do!” He rushed to reassure her. He actually wasn’t sure if that was true but it at least smelled great. “I, um, I don’t…”

“There’s a lot of choices,” Angelica nodded up to the board as though that was all that was throwing him off. This girl was a saint.

“Tell you what,” She said quietly as they moved a step forward in the line, “Why don’t I pick something out for you and you can go into the bathroom for a few minutes. Freshen up?”

He stunk, that was what she was trying gently to tell him. Considering he had been washing with just hot water, or as hot of water as his scars could stand, for days, that wasn’t so surprising. He had already learned the hard way that no shop let anyone in to the bathrooms if they weren’t paying.

But Angelica was paying.

And maybe she would leave as soon as he was gone, but she was at least getting him into a bathroom with actual soap so he would still count this as a kindness.

“Good idea, thanks,” He said as sincerely as he was able. He stepped out of the line and followed the signs to the bathroom. No one was in there, so he locked the door behind himself and just breathed for a second.

All he had ever said to another human being was _sorry_. No conversations, nothing. Everyone he met gave him nasty looks for daring to go near them and yet this girl didn’t seem to care that there was something wrong with him.

“No time.” He mumbled and he forcibly pushed himself forward.

There was a half full thing of soap on the small vanity in front of the sink. He didn’t hesitate before stripping his shirt off and getting to work. Even if he only had cold water, hand soap and two minutes, he wasn’t going to let it go to waste.

He used about half the soap washing down his torso and gingerly but quickly cleaning his scars.

Then, the vanity caught his eye again. It had cabinets. What was in there?

He squatted down, still sort of wet, and opened the doors. The cleaning supplies meant nothing to him but there were a few extra bottles of soap and two spare rolls of toilet paper.

There was no way to smuggle a whole roll out of here, even if he got over the sense of _wrong_ that stealing made twist in his gut. The soap though… He grabbed an unopened bottle and slid it between his waistband and the small of his back. It was wrong, but he was desperate.

He threw his shirt back on and twisted around in the mirror, ignoring the ache of his scars, to see if it was noticeable. Thankfully, his shirt wasn’t so tight that anyone could see it.

That was one supply down and he almost wanted to cry he was so happy to have it. He could wash his clothes and his hair back at the apartment.

There wasn’t anything else to take in the cabinet so he shut it and took an extra few seconds to stuff his pockets full of toilet paper. Enough to stretch out the half a roll left behind in the apartment.

Then, he went back out and scanned the room to see if Angelica had stayed.

To his everlasting shock, she _had._

“Hi!” She called him over. In her hands was a bag and two cups of coffee.

He went over to her and gave her a bigger smile than he ever had before. It almost hurt his face he smiled so wide.

Her cheeks flushed but she just held out the bag and coffee in her right hand, “I have to get going to class now, I’d rather skip but we’ve got a graded practical today.”

“Oh,” He said, feeling some sort of weird stab of dismay. Sort of mechanically, he took the bag from her. “Thank you.”

“I wrote my instagram on the napkin in the bag.” Angelica waved away his thanks. “DM me sometime, okay?”

He had no idea what that meant, but he could figure it out (probably).

“Good luck,” He offered up, “On your, um, practical.”

She shut her eyes and drew in a big breath, “I’m gonna need it, thanks Matt.”

And then she turned away and left as though this wasn’t a big deal. As though she hadn’t just made a massive impact on him.

He waited a few minutes until she went away, just so he didn’t seem weird. Except lingering in this place with a bottle of their soap tucked into his pants was also weird, so he left as quickly as he could without looking awkward and tried not look back so he didn’t seem guilty.

Going back to the park felt like too much or his nerves to handle. Instead, he went straight back to the apartment. He was slowly getting a feel for the area, whatever neighborhood it was. It was getting easier to navigate at least.

Once he was safely behind the deadbolt he went straight to the bathroom and locked that door too. It wouldn’t be enough, not really, if someone _really_ wanted to get in but at least he would have warning. He slept in there usually.

He plopped down onto the ground and pulled the soap out from his back and set it aside. He was washing his clothes tonight and he was almost giddy about it.

Next came the coffee, which had his stomach growling. It smelled _so good_. Maybe better than anything he had ever smelled before. The cup was warm in his hand but not as hot as before. He took a small sip and nearly moaned.

It was _delicious_.

Not too sweet but sweet enough. Sweeter than anything he had eaten yet. The taste was warm and rich and it tickled at the edge of his memory. Or maybe that was just him trying to spark something but either way, it felt familiar.

He was so wrapped up in his coffee that he had almost forgotten the bag. There would be a napkin with Angelica’s instagram on it, which he still wasn’t entirely sure what to do with, but there had to be more than just a napkin in the bag. It was decently heavy.

Once the bag was opened, he pulled in a shuddering breath.

Food.

She had bought him _food_.

Not food that got stolen out of the trash. Not food that was cold and maybe a little moldy. Not food that someone else had put their mouth on first. Food _for him._ Fresh and still warm.

The first thing was a wrapped bacon, egg and cheese sandwich on a roll. The salty smell made his stomach growl as though it had any business demanding more when it was already half full of the treat that was coffee. He set that down and eagerly went to the next thing. Out came a blueberry muffin that smelled like butter and sugar. There was even some sort of crumbly stuff on the top that he couldn’t help but press his finger to so he could steal a taste. There was something lemony and sweet that burst across his tongue and that was _just the crumbs._ Underneath his muffin was an oatmeal raisin cookie that stank like cinnamon.

Three things. Three things that he could make stretch _days._

The bag wasn’t entirely empty yet, although there obviously wasn’t any more food in it. He dumped the contents out onto the tiled floor and found a massive stack of napkins. Sure enough, the one on top had what looked like a username written on it. So at least he knew what instagram was now. A website of some sort. And this was how he could find Angelica again, if he ever found a computer. Now he could thank her, even if he never saw her again.

Under the napkins were a bunch of sugar packets, a few salt packets, like five sets of utensils, and a few packets of honey. It made no sense why these things soothed his worries like the soap did. They had less use. He didn’t need a spoon if he didn’t really have food. He didn’t need seasonings either. But they were _things_ , they were supplies. A sugar packet might trick his head into thinking his frantic gulps of water were enough. A plastic knife might be a tool someday. These things could help him.

After so many days of virtually nothing, this spread in front of him felt like _hope_.

**\---**

As soon as the sun went down each day, everything seemed to change.

He felt jittery, full of restless energy that demanded he go do _something_ with it. There was also a tense sort of fear. As though he knew what kind of monsters lurked outside his door on some deeper level. People were the same during the day as they were at night, or nearly enough. There was no reason to be so afraid.

The wound inside of him ached worse at night and that was the true pain.

He didn’t mean his scars. Those hurt all the time, a low throb when they weren’t being disturbed and a burning stab of pain when they were. He had found that lying in his tub of cold water sometimes made it feel better but being naked for long periods of time made him feel even more vulnerable in this apartment that wasn’t actually his.

No, the wound inside was one he couldn’t see and understood less than anything else.

There weren’t really words to explain it, though he tried to make sense of it for at least himself. The best he could come up with was that something was torn, something was _missing._ More than just his memories. There was something inside of him that was screaming _all the time_.

If he focused on it too hard, tears would start to well in his eyes. He felt like he was mourning for something he didn’t know how to explain.

The ache was fierce and though he tried to ignore it like he ignored his scar pain, nothing really eased it.

Sometimes the pain and the sadness that the mystery wound emanated so badly it made him want to curl up and die.

There was something inside of him that wouldn’t let him do it. He had to keep trying; he had to figure himself out.

It was that weird determination that had him pulling on his still damp clothes and venturing out into the night. He was less concerned with food for the first time ever. Angelica had given him the gift of time and he wanted to use tonight for something else.

Namely, a library.

Even if he couldn’t go in because it was too late, he could at least find one for tomorrow.

Libraries, he knew, had computers. Computers had information. Maybe there was some guy with dark hair in his early twenties that had gone missing. Maybe there was someone he could contact for help. Maybe he could write out a list of police stations and hospitals and use the library phone to call them, to stumble his way through asking if anyone had been looking for him.

It was worth a shot.

It was all he could think of to do.

Once he had slipped out the front door and headed for the main street, he tried to tell himself that no one was looking at him. He felt so incredibly self conscious every single moment. The scars only made it worse. At least now he smelled decent, so people wouldn’t notice him for being dirty.

Turning his head down had become his default. The last thing he wanted was accidental eye contact. Now though, if he was going to find a library, he needed to keep his head up and reading as many signs as possible.

It had of course occurred to him that he could just _ask_ someone. Obviously he could smile and try to slouch so he wasn’t so tall and say as politely as possible, “Can you please direct me to the library?”

The idea made him want to vomit.

So he held it in reserve. It wasn’t that he was _never_ going to ask, he was just going to give himself a day to try and figure it out himself before he took that step.

So while he kept his head up high he also chanted _please don’t look at me_ in his head.

He went out full of hope.

Nearly two hours in, the hope was waning.

He didn’t want to get too far away from the apartment, especially since his navigating skills weren’t all that great.

The crowds had thinned out finally and most people who were out were too drunk to give a damn about him and his scars. That eased off some of the jittery panic, at least.

Finally, a couple of hours past midnight, he gave up. The library wasn’t anywhere near here and he hadn’t even found anything that made him think he was getting close. Not a Town Hall or city building in sight. He seemed like he in a more rundown area, more commercial than anything else.

Frustrated mostly with himself, he started trudging back to his apartment.

At least he was getting familiar enough with the area that he was able to take a few shortcuts. Ducking down some alleyways so he could stay off the main drag and out of sight. He felt more comfortable hiding in the shadows and he wasn’t sure what that said about him, especially about who he had been before.

He turned down another alley and got about halfway through when a sound caught his ears. It was so slight but it felt like a jolt down his spine. A shiver of dread.

_Duck._

Without questioning the impulse, he dropped down onto the ground and rolled onto his back in one fluid movement. The sudden impact of his scars against the hard pavement nearly took his breath away.

There was something in the alley with him.

At first he thought someone was throwing something at him. That was the only thing that made sense. He jerked his head up, ignoring the searing pain in his neck, and…

What stood only a few feet away from him wasn’t a drunk person. It wasn’t _human._

He scrambled back, dragging his back along the ground. The pain was secondary. He had to get away. He had to get as far from the _thing_ in front of him as possible.

It was all pure black, so dark it was nearly impossible to see. The glowing red eyes were laser focused on him. It was emaciated and thin, made almost entirely of visible bones and ridges. Its skin had an oily, wet sheen that glistened disgustingly in the low lighting.

As he stumbled to his feet, it bared its jagged teeth at him and hissed.

Turning his back on it to run would make him faster but he couldn’t bear not to keep this thing in his sights at all times. He had to get the hell away from it.

He staggered back, heart pounding in his ears. The thing darted forward and he yanked on a trashcan to put it in the creature’s path. That only bought him mere seconds but he used them best he could to run sideways so he could see as much of the alley at the same time as he could.

The next trashcan he saw, he grabbed the handle and flung it as hard as he could into the creature. The hit connected and knocked the thing to the ground with a wet sounding splatter.

He wasn’t going to get a better chance.

He ran, as fast as he was capable of running. He didn’t turn back, he didn’t stop to listen for it. Once he turned the corner, he burst out onto the main street and kept running. Some guy shouted at him when he banged into his shoulder but he didn’t stop, _couldn’t_ stop.

With shaking hands, he opened the door to his apartment and slammed it shut harder than he meant to. There was nothing in him thinking about the noise and hiding himself away from the other people who lived in the building. He threw the deadbolt across the door and stood there, nearly swaying in place.

The scars on his back _screamed_ with pain from the rough treatment. He couldn’t seem to get a full breath in and he was shaking.

_“What the fuck was that?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Up: Things get worse 
> 
> Thank you SO MUCH for all the comments, kudos and bookmarks! Your kind words send me into little puddles of happy goo and immediately make me want to go write more on the many (too many honestly) WIPs I have going. I am so grateful!!


	5. Chapter Five

* * *

**Chapter Five**

* * *

The food from Angelica lasted five days.

By the fifth day his stomach burned it was so empty and he couldn’t stop cursing himself even as he took the last bite of the cookie.

If he finished the food, he had to go outside again to look for more.

If he went outside again, he risked facing whatever monster it was that had attacked him in that alley.

The fear was paralyzing.

The shame of his own cowardice was worse.

The food was supposed to give him a chance to build up a stock, to free him from frantically having to search for more each day. Instead, he had wasted it, cowering in the apartment like a child.

It sort of felt like punishment when, on the sixth day, the skies opened up and soaked the city. No one in their right mind would be out in the park having a picnic. No one would let their eyes slip past him if he hid outside by a dumpster. Any thrown away food would be soaked through and ruined.

The storm didn’t just last a day, either.

It raged for two more days, until he was down to half a sleeve of his stale crackers and just one honey packet. He had spent the eighth day drinking sugar water and trying not to cry.

By the time the sun came out again on the damp morning of the ninth day after he had met Angelica, he had practically flown out of the apartment. The hunger had made him shaky, weak in a way that made him more anxious than he could put into words. If he was too weak to run away, what would happen to him if another monster came after him? Could he have reacted so quickly if he hadn’t eaten anything real for days? Could he have tossed that trashcan with his hands shaking like they were now?

He didn’t want to find out.

When the sun started to set, he would go back inside. He wouldn’t risk it.

All those days shut in the apartment meant that he had time to plan for this moment. Today he would speak to someone, _anyone_. Maybe he could offer to do some task for a shop owner if they gave him food in return. Or money, money would help _a lot_.

At the very least, he was asking where to find a library.

He was clean, his clothes were clean, he had been practicing smiling without looking nervous. If he failed he had to go back to the empty apartment with no food and an empty stomach.

He had to get this right.

**\---**

By noon, he’d had four separate shopkeepers threaten to call the cops on him. Apparently someone couldn’t just walk up and ask if they could work there for a meal.

The abuse that had gotten hurled at him just for asking if he could do some odd jobs in exchange for a bit of money or food had nearly broken him. He was offering to work, why would anyone be so nasty about that? He wasn’t begging, he _wasn’t_.

One lady had been willing to tell him the address of the nearest library. He didn’t press his luck and ask for directions, but at least he could try to get more out of the next person.

The sun went hotter above him, the hours passing even though he had nothing but an address he didn’t know how to find to show for his day. He couldn’t keep getting shot down, he needed to find something to eat.

“One more,” He mumbled to himself as he headed towards the park. There had to be someone along the way who might be willing to let him do some task for them.

As he eyed the line of stores ahead, he shook out his shaky hands. They wouldn’t _stop._

There was a jewelry store ahead that he immediately knew wasn’t an option. It didn’t _look_ super fancy, there were bars on the windows, but he knew enough to know that no jewelry store was going to let some random guy off the street behind the counter or in the back.

After that was a tanning salon and he wasn’t entirely sure what that even did.

His eyes set on a liquor store. _Last chance_.

He went in before he could think about it too much. There was a little electronic tone that went off above him and it startled him enough to make him jump a little.

There were about a million different bottles around him and that got him sort of hopeful. Maybe they had a lot of boxes they needed help putting away?

The man behind the counter looked older, gruff and gray. He took a few hesitant steps closer, hoping the guy would look up from his newspaper and acknowledge him before he needed to start the conversation himself.

_Angelica was nice. People could be nice. Don’t be so afraid._

“Hi,” He said when the man didn’t look up at him.

“You need help finding something?” The guy said with barely a glance at him. If he had caught sight of the scar on his neck, he didn’t seem to care. That was kind of nice, actually.

He needed help finding a lot of things. Everything from food right through to his name.

“Actually,” His voice broke so he cleared his throat nervously. “Um, Do you need help? Like, could I help you do something and you give me some money for it?”

_Idiot! Don’t phrase it like that_.

The words finally got the guy to actually put the paper down. He scrutinized him with bushy eyebrows drawn together in suspicion. “You a drunk? I’m not paying a drunk to unload alcohol. I’m not stupid, kid.”

He shook his head even though it made his neck hurt. “I’m not drunk. I’ve never had alcohol.”

That just got him another look, “You even twenty-one?”

“Yes!” He assured the man, mostly sure he wasn’t lying. He looked older than twenty-one, didn’t he?

“I don’t want no trouble.” The guy said. “You trouble?”

_Probably_.

“No,” He said before belatedly adding, “Sir.”

“If you’re a drunk and you try to steal from me, I’ll bash your face in. No drunks and no druggies in this store, you got that?” The man said so matter of fact that he knew instantly he was telling the truth.

He just nodded. His easy acceptance seemed to be the only saving grace he had.

“Lemme see your ID.” The man demanded as he held out a calloused hand in his direction.

“Um,” He glanced between the hand and his face, “I don’t have one.”

The guy pulled his hand in and he looked even more skeptical, “You think I’m some kind of idiot?”

“No!” He protested quickly, “No, I don’t. I… I, um…”

He trailed off.

The man stood up, his full height was still a few inches below his own but carried it like he was twice as tall. “Tell you what, I’m feeling nice. I’ve got a shit ton of boxes out back that need to be broken down and put in the dumpster. There’s some broken glass that needs sweeping up. If you do that okay, I’ll let you carry in the newest shipment of beer. Should take you a couple of hours. You do that, I’ll give you five bucks and a cigarette. Sound fair?”

_Finally._

“Yeah!” He said eagerly.

The man came around the counter and gestured for him to follow. They went back through the store and behind the shelves to an exit.

His eyes widened as he took in the heap of boxes outside but that promise of five dollars kept him from getting worried. He could do this, no problem. It wasn’t hard, it would just take a little time.

The man pulled something out of his pockets and held it out for him. Without even knowing what he was taking, he reached for it.

And then the man didn’t let it go.

“Box cutter... Fuck your hands are shakin’ hard.” He said before pulling his own hand back and glaring up at him, “I thought I said no fucking tweakers.”

“I don’t…” _Know what that is_ , “I’m not…”

“Fuckin’ piece of shit liar. You come in here and lie to my face to get the money for your next fix?” The man took a step closer with his hand clenched into a fist, “And then you lie again?”

“I-I don’t know what you mean.” He stumbled back.

“Get the fuck out of here, find someone else to con for your meth money or some shit. Nobody shakes like that unless they’re coming down off a high.” The man’s voice got louder until he was shouting so hard he could feel it in his chest.

He didn’t dare stay and try to convince him otherwise. He turned and ran, going straight towards the street instead of back into the store.

He had failed

**\---**

To his dismay, the park was mostly wet and muddy. Not like before when people were willing to sit down and eat together.

Almost no one was there and for the first few moments, that was what he needed. His nerves were shot. He was shaking even harder and he knew that was from fear, not just hunger.

There wasn’t time to keep messing around with his idea to get some sort of job, not when he only had the afternoon to try to find something to eat. He needed to start scoping out the leftovers.

He didn’t have the patience to sit and wait. He started making a slow circuit around the park, looking for anyone who was eating anything, peeking into trashcans.

By the time the sun started setting, all he had managed to find was a plastic baggie, wet on the outside and filled with three discarded baby carrots that were a little slimy. He wasn’t sure how long they had been sitting there but he ate them anyway.

Then he went back to the apartment and tried to fill his stomach with enough water to make the pangs stop.

The next morning he was more desperate than ever. When he stood up after waking, the room had spun around dizzily and he’d needed to sit down and breathe for a few minutes just to make the room sit still.

That wasn’t good, he was pretty sure.

He splashed some water on his face and looked at himself hard. The scar on his neck was still livid red. Whatever hope he’d had in the beginning that time would heal them and ease the pain was gone. They hurt _all the time_. Every move he made just aggravated them. If he could lie completely still for days on end maybe they would heal up some but that wasn’t an option.

He was also pretty sure he was losing weight. His pants were looser, at least, and that was the best indication he had. Maybe his face looked more gaunt or maybe that was just what he thought because he barely knew what he looked like.

Either way, he needed to have more success today.

**\---**

The sun was setting.

The sun was setting and he had found the crusts of some kid’s sandwich in a bag in the trash. And yeah, the kid was pretty liberal with what was considered crust, he’d even gotten to try some peanut butter that was clinging to the edges, but still, four crusts.

This had been easier before, hadn’t it?

He had worked up the courage to speak to a few more people. One older gentleman in an almost eye searing purple suit gave him directions to the library, advising him first which bus to take before seeing his panicked expression once the cost of a bus came up and giving him directions on foot instead. The man had cautioned him that he was over a half an hour’s walk away from the library.

At least now he knew where it was.

Other than that man, he had mostly gotten ignored.

The sky going orange made him turn back for home. He wasn’t getting caught by monsters at night ever again, not if he had anything to say about it. He would do anything possible to keep from ever meeting a thing like that again.

There was a shortcut through the park that he had discovered and it would shave ten minutes off his walk back. With the way people had been treating him all day, walking silently through the park and peeking into any trashcans along the way was a better bet than trying to find someone who wasn’t offended by his existence.

While he walked, he tried to ignore the burning cramp in his stomach.

“Tomorrow is going to be better.” He promised himself quietly.

_A low growl_.

He froze in place.

His ears strained. That was a dog, right? That had to be a dog. There were plenty of people who walked their…

Another growl came from his side, closer this time. It was circling around him.

He didn’t waste any more time standing there like an idiot. He _ran_ , stumbling forward trying to get as much speed as quickly as he good. “Go, go, go…”

All he got was another growl before something burst out of the bushes beside him, barreling straight into him and throwing him down onto the path. His head cracked onto some exposed roots and the sharp bite of pain nearly stole his vision for a second. The whole world went swimmy around him and the pain from the scars being thrown around almost made him nauseous.

“Get _up_ ,” He groaned, rolling onto his knees. He had to get up, had to _move_.

The thing’s claws ripped into his side, turning him down the opposite way that he wanted to go so he was pinned underneath it. He almost screamed, blood instantly flowing out of the wounds.

It was _different_.

A different monster looming over him than the one he had seen in that alleyway.

This one was short and squat, like some sort of demonic bulldog. It had weird ripped kind of leathery skin instead of fur and its paws were more like cloven hooves but still looked more like a dog than whatever that emaciated thing before had been.

Its teeth were bared, three rows deep of sharp points that could _and would_ rip him to shreds if it got the chance.

_Think, think…_

He jammed his elbow up and around, knocking the thing’s head out of his face. In the same motion, he used feet to kick it as hard as he could. The second it was airborne, it let out a horrific screeching noise that made his head throb.

As quick as he could, he rolled onto his side and started running again. The park path was uneven under his wobbly feet and he knew he was stumbling around like some drunk guy. He heard the monster’s claws skidding over the pavement, coming back for him.

He ducked to the side in just enough time, falling hard onto a park bench. _Get up!_

In seconds, both he and the thing were squared off again.

The slash in his side stung worse than the scars. If he kept throwing himself around, or getting thrown around, he was going to rip it open even worse or make the bleeding heavier at the very least. Already he could feel the blood soaking into the waistband of his pants.

His eyes frantically scanned the area, looking for anything he could use to his advantage.

Without really thinking it through, he jumped up so he was standing on the park bench. Why being a foot and a half off the ground felt better, he couldn’t really say.

The thing’s eyes narrowed and it pawed the ground. It was gearing up for another ambush.

His eye caught on the tree branch over the path. It looked sturdy enough. If he could jump to it, he might be able to swing himself up and over the monster when it charged him and if he swung well enough, he could get a decent head start.

_If_ he could time it all right.

It was a long shot but it was the only plan he had. The thought of stretching himself out for a swing like that when all he wanted to do was curl around the wound in his side was awful but getting attacked again was worse. He had to try.

In seconds, the decision was taken from him. The thing lunged for him and he had no choice but to leap over it, arms outstretched as he tried to reach for the branch.

_Yes!_

His fingers closed around it and the bark bit into his flesh as his hands slid around it mid-swing. He pulled his legs up just in time and managed to launch himself forward.

The second his boots were back on the ground, the thing was making contact with the bench it hadn’t had the chance to correct course away from.

Hopefully the collision stunned it for a second. He didn’t have time to look.

_Run._

He ran as fast as he could, bursting out onto a quieter, deserted street. If there had been anyone there, he might have asked for help, he would have at least warned them. Instead, he was as alone as ever.

He ducked down into the first side street that he could, getting as far away from the monster’s sight as possible. If he couldn’t see him, it couldn’t track him, could it?

Lungs burning, he kept running until his apartment building came into view.

His hand clamped around his wounds as he kept running, running out of fear but also running through the pain. When he stopped, he wasn’t sure he would be able to get back up again.

The door to his not-home home looked like salvation. He put on an extra burst of speed even though it made the muscles in his legs protest. Once he was at the door, he opened it with the hand not covered in blood. Or at least, he thought it wasn’t covered in blood. There were dozens of little wounds from falling onto the path and swinging on the branch so he used his ruined shirt to grip the metal of the doorknob.

Once the door was closed, he rushed into the bathroom, his little haven. The doors, flimsy things that they were, wouldn’t do much if that thing tracked him down but it still felt safer. It always felt safer.

The yellowish light overhead only made the blood on his too pale skin look even more red. Ripping his shirt off would have been easier. The thing was torn anyway but it was also the only one he had so he didn’t dare do anything more than grit his teeth and work it over his shoulders.

Once the shirt was in a wet pile on the ground, he sucked in a harsh breath at the sight in the mirror.

He was bleeding _a lot_.

And not just from the claw wound in his side, from lots of little cuts too. From his head, from his hands, from his shredded knee. He was bleeding all over.

The dirt smeared over most of it probably wasn’t great.

He pulled in a deep breath that was more than a little wobbly.

_Get to work_.

**\---**

At first he thought he was dreaming.

He’d left the lights on in the bathroom because laying down on the cold tile in the dark sounded like more than he could deal with after hours of cleaning his wounds with toilet paper, handsoap and searing water.

When his eyes flickered open, he thought for sure the noise had been a dream. Just the shifting of weight from someone upstairs, or of the building settling. His tired mind was playing tricks on him.

The tile underneath him had gone too warm even though he felt sort of shivery. _It was a nightmare_ , he told himself, _because your entire life was a nightmare._

Then the noise came again and he jerked upright even though every inch of him ached.

He scrambled for his shirt, thankful he had been too tired to take off his pants or boots. Then he shut the light off, hoping no one was walking around the apartment wondering why there were signs that someone lived in a place where no one should be.

His heart hammered against his sore ribcage. Had he left a smear of blood outside that he hadn’t noticed?

He stood as silently as he could by the bathroom door, trying hard to breathe shallowly when all he wanted to do was pant from the jolt of waking up.

There were a few strange murmurs from outside the door and he pressed his ear closer, trying to hear better. _Leave, please, leave, leave, leave…_

What was the guy saying? No way it was a woman’s voice, it was too low. The sounds were guttural, maybe someone with a really low voice? There were black spots in his vision he was restricting his breathing so much.

Another creak of the floor, coming closer.

_Wait,_ he jerked away from the door, _that’s not talking, that’s like… chittering?_

And then the door exploded inwards.

He fell back onto his ass, cheek cut by a chunk of splintered wood.

In the doorway was a tall _thing_ with spindly legs and fingers with too many joints. It was glowing blue, except its eyes were wide and black. Everything emanated light, except its soulless eyes.

_Another_ monster. Another _new_ monster.

He was cursed. He was being punished, he had been something awful in his past life. There was no way to keep ignoring it.

The hollow ache of that knowledge cut through the panic that he had felt only seconds before. Somehow, knowing he was the scum of the earth destined to be killed by the monsters that came out at night sooner or later was worse than any of the pain that had come before – except that ragged wound inside of him that he couldn’t explain. That hurt worse. That _always_ hurt worse.

The room was too small, when the thing lunged at him all he could do was twist onto his side and throw his arms and legs out to try and keep it from getting in his face. He caught it with his boots, keeping it away as best he could. His muscles ached as he tried with every shred of strength he had left to keep it back.

It swiped out with its too long fingers, catching his arm with its claws. He hissed as more skin was pulled open and the scent of fresh blood seemed to send it into a frenzy.

_Think! What next?_

His eyes went frantically around the room, even though he knew he didn’t have some machete waiting in the wings for just this attack. He needed _something,_ though, anything that would buy him a chance to run.

His plastic knives.

He caught sight of his little bag of supplies and knew there were three plastic knives in there. If he could grab one, he could try to cut it or…

The black-hole eyes. If he was brave enough and fast enough, he could jam the plastic knife in one of its eyes.

He stretched his bleeding arm out as far as he could, using his other to protect his face as the thing kept trying to swipe its arms out far enough to get him. He reached the bag with his fingertips, tipping it over and a spoon tumbled out.

Not good enough. He rummaged around in the bag with his fingers and tried to find the serrated edge of a knife.

The monster took his distraction as its moment. It twisted above him and he cried out as his ankle got twisted the wrong way.

In that moment, the monster lunged, his ankle screamed and his hand closed around the edge of a knife.

He grabbed it and as the thing came closer, he took the risk and used an undercut motion to ram the knife into its eye.

An unearthly screech rang out as thick black fluid seeped out of the wound and onto his hand. He didn’t waste time cringing or waiting to see what the monster would do. He threw himself up and around, out the door and halfway to the living room before the pain in his ankle registered. Each step was agony but he didn’t stop.

He ran out into the dark night, leaving behind his sanctuary, his supplies and his third monster attacker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Up: Shelter, theft and research 
> 
> THANK YOU SO MUCH for all of your generous and kind comments, kudos and bookmarks. I'm so happy everyone is enjoying the story!!!


	6. Chapter Six

* * *

**Chapter Six**

* * *

The monsters just kept coming.

He wasn’t sure why or what exactly was attracting them. Was it the scent of his blood? Was it just that he was outside all the time, especially at night? Was there someone out there sending these things to him just to torture him?

The _why_ wasn’t his biggest concern. Yeah, if he figured out why he might be able to stop them but that was a plan for a man who wasn’t exhausted and starving and wounded and _done._

Right now, he was only worried about surviving each hour as it came. He didn’t have anything in him to plan for the future.

Surviving each hour involved finding places where he could try to steal a little sleep and not get murdered. It was haunting the park and seeing what little bits of food he could score. Food and now water, because he hadn’t been back to his apartment in nearly three days.

Surviving was agonizing over the choice of resting his badly injured ankle and exhausted body or getting to that library he had built up in his head to be a glowing land of safety and resources. That involved a lot of walking and his head was on board but the ankle that shook when he put too much weight on it wasn’t.

And surviving was staying the hell away from people.

These monsters were coming after _him._ There were no newspapers that said there was a rash of even _animal_ attacks in the city let alone whatever he was dealing with. There were no people who ever saw these things besides him near as he could tell.

He couldn’t let other people get tangled into whatever he was.

Whoever he had been before was obviously a horrible person. A monster himself. This had to be punishment. There was no other way around it.

So that knocked out shelters, even though a kind woman with her children had given him directions to one when she saw him loitering. Her tentative smile had been the only time that anyone had looked at him with any sort of kindness in so long.

He couldn’t take that kindness and bring blood and pain into the place she was trying to send him.

So he snatched little naps in well-lit doorways, up in tall trees, anywhere he could.

Earlier he had spotted a broken window on a top floor of an abandoned building. There were padlocks on every entrance and there seemed to be no way inside but he had been scoping out the building on his circuits through the neighborhood and he thought he could manage to jump from a dumpster onto the fire escape ladder.

He wasn’t entirely sure he trusted his jelly arms to get him up to the first landing, but he was willing to try if it meant he got out from the cold night and into relative safety for even a few hours.

All the better if there was running water in there.

Except now was go time and he was standing on a dumpster and the distance was a lot further than his hopeful self had guessed a few hours ago.

_You can do this._

_You_ have _to do this._

He pulled in a deep breath and tried to center himself. Not the easiest task but a few more deep breaths and he felt ready to try.

The running start was the length of the dumpster so it wasn’t much but the second he was airborne he reached his arms as far as he could get them and – _Yes!_ – grabbed the rungs of the ladder.

Momentum was pretty much the only thing that got him up the next two rungs, his swinging body aiding him far better than his arms. From there he managed to get his boot high enough that he could use his legs and then in a matter of seconds he was on the platform. The next three stories were easier because the ladders were level and he didn’t need to jump.

He carefully broke the last of the glass so none of it would cut him as he crept inside. Then, he was standing in a rough hallway that looked like no one had used the building in years. He wasn’t sure if that was true, neglect probably made things look worse, but it wasn’t pretty inside.

Except it was high above the monsters below and maybe, if he was really lucky, he might be out of whatever range they had for finding him.

At least long enough to get some sleep.

He hunted through the rooms and tried to find the cleanest one without a window. There wasn’t much by way of furniture but that was okay. He was used to sleeping on the floor.

Eventually he found a room with a desk and he used that to push against the door. Then, he sat down and let a sigh.

Success.

He should have been looking for a bathroom so he could wash out his wounds. They were getting hot to the touch and that was probably bad. Not to mention their protesting what he had done to get in here.

He was too tired.

Without letting his guilt overwhelm him, he curled up on the floor and fell asleep.

**\---**

Bad enough he was someone who was breaking and entering continuously, now he could add theft to his list of sins.

This wasn’t even like when he stole things out of the trash. No, this time he had actually gone into a store in broad daylight during the busy lunch rush, slipped something he didn’t have the money for into the waistband of his increasingly ragged looking pants and left. No one chased after him but the guilt was gnawing at him.

_If these wounds don’t get cleaned out properly, you’re dead._

His new “home” didn’t have running water. It didn’t have electricity either, so when the sun went down he was alone in pitch black darkness. He didn’t like that at all, even if he was mostly asleep while he was there. The knowledge of what lurked in the dark kept him from feeling even the slightest bit safe.

He had been using this place for four days now and not even time had eased his fear. If anything, going so long without being attacked after having it happen so many times in such a short span of time was coiling something inside of him tighter and tighter.

It was inevitable, wasn’t it? That these things would keep find him again and again?

He stood in one of the dirty bathrooms the place had and opened his stolen bottle of rubbing alcohol. His shirt was “airing out” over the walls of one of the stalls, the best he could do for now because all water needed to be conserved but his clothes were dirty, sweaty and bloody. Weak light came in from one of the skylights above and it cast shadows in the hollows of his body, making him look even more gaunt that he had actually become. It wasn’t just his imagination anymore, he was definitely losing weight and quickly.

That was bad. He knew that was bad.

The only fix was to eat more though and that was out of his control.

So was drinking water but what he _could_ do was try to rest at night and clean out his wounds with this awful rubbing alcohol. It stung like nothing else but it at least seemed to be keeping the infection at bay.

Gingerly, he poured a little directly onto the wound in his side, the worst of them. He grit his teeth against the pain, even as he pressed his fingers against the edges to make sure they opened up just enough to make sure the fluid got inside the wound as best he could without completely opening it back up.

What was better? Open what little healing had been done to truly clean it out or let it close up and pray that his body fought any infection off? He didn’t know, pure and simple. What he _was_ sure about was that if he ripped open this wound and got it properly cleaned out, he would lose a lot of blood and a lot of time getting it to stop that he could be out looking for food or water.

The only part of that plan that would work out was that if he rested his ankle, he might have actually been able to let it heal enough to make the long trek to the library. It trembled when he walked too long now, fighting the weight he tried to put on it. He was starting to think that there was something more wrong with it than just a simple sprain but suspecting he’d broken something didn’t really make anything better.

If he rested, if he stayed off it and opened the wound so it bled while he cleaned it, then he couldn’t go out and find more food and water. Food was becoming increasingly optional, the burning in his stomach easing off so it wasn’t so awful anymore. That was something else that probably wasn’t good but it worked out because that meant he and his body were on the same page about making water a priority.

Except staying in meant he wasn’t going out and finding thrown out water bottles and coffee cups with the last few dregs inside for him to sip.

“I don’t know what to do.” He mumbled to himself. His voice wavered and he grit his teeth, angry with his own weakness.

Crying wouldn’t make anything better.

**\---**

The next day there were no tears.

He had made the right choice… _finally._

It stood to reason that even a cursed bastard like him had to stumble into some good luck eventually. Every minute couldn’t be hell. That was what he had been telling himself for, well, his entire life so to speak, but this was proof.

A wallet.

A dropped, forgotten wallet _with cash inside_.

If it had been five bucks, he still would have cried. It was _so much more than that_. An entire $72. He could do so much that, he could make everything better.

Before anything though, he studied the man’s driver’s license. Byron Jones. He read over the man’s address four times, memorizing it so someday he could say thank you. Then he dropped the wallet in the nearest store’s doorway so someone would find it and do better with it than him – hopefully.

_I’m sorry Byron, I’m really sorry but thank you so much._

Food would have been a smarter first purchase but there was a used clothing store that he had been scoping out for days and that was where he went first. How could he not? He stank and he knew it. He was dirty and his clothes were falling apart and bloody and yeah, he needed something new.

He bought a new pair of black jeans that still had the original tag on them, two t-shirts and a button-down that was too thick to wear during the day but would be great at night. He contemplated a new pair of boots but he had been served well by the ones he had and they were still in pretty decent shape. They were probably more expensive than the rest of his original outfit put together and tripled. He decided not to waste the money.

The next part was just as exciting but also nerve-wracking.

He went back to the same store he had stolen the rubbing alcohol from.

The same little old lady was at the counter and she seemed to watch him more carefully this time as he went around and almost gleefully pulled thing after thing into his arms. A box of granola bars, a few cans of soup that he didn’t even care about drinking cold and a few other shelf-stable things. Two of the biggest bottles of water they had. Toiletries, soap, a razor so he could finally get this itchy stubble off his face. There was a tiny assortment of two-packs of socks and underwear and he eagerly grabbed one of each too. From there he found a medium sized flashlight that wasn’t too expensive and came with batteries.

Next he stood in front of the limited pharmacy items with wide eyes. Bandages were easy, although they were also pricier so he settled for a roll of tape and a roll of gauze because they cost less than a box of the name brand bandaids the store sold. Then he found the cheapest bottle of pain killers they had. He read the back of the boxes, eager to see words like _fever reducer_. Then he found a little tube of some sort of antibacterial ointment that would hopefully do more than the rubbing alcohol was managing.

Then he decided to invest in a backpack from the small selection hanging on a circular rack in the corner. They were cheap, both in materials and in price, but now that he had so many things he didn’t want to risk having to leave them behind if he was found again. He wanted to keep this stuff with him for as long as possible.

Once everything was chosen, he went up to the corner to face the wrinkled, shrewd face of the woman at the corner.

“Find everything okay?” She asked him a little absently as she started ringing up his purchases.

He was almost vibrating in place, he was so happy. “Yes, thank you.” Now or never. “Um, I, um, I came in a couple of days ago and um…”

“Took something?” She asked lightly without even looking at him.

His mouth almost dropped open, “Y-you, you knew?”

“You’re a little tall to hide easily,” She said with a lazy glance up at him. He was twisted in knots and she just kept punching the price of each of his items into her cash register like this wasn’t a big deal to her. “If you were going for something like a candy bar or cigarettes, I would have sent my son after you. Then you would have begged to apologize. But you were over in front of the medicine and you looked so scared, I let you go.”

He bit his lip for a second. “Um, thank you. It was a bottle of rubbing alcohol. Could you, could… could you charge me for that too? So I can pay you back for it?”

This time, she stopped punching in numbers to actually look at him. He met her eyes for about six seconds before looking away.

“Sure thing, sweetie,” She said finally. As she rang things up, she packed them into his new backpack. Then, she leaned over to the back counter closer to the deli section. “This woman came before, too fancy for her own good. Got upset we made her sandwich wrong, even though that was how she ordered it. I’m not a mindreader. If you say mustard, I write mustard.” She held up a sandwich wrapped up in white waxy paper, “Do you hate mustard?”

He hadn’t ever had it but that didn’t make it hard to answer her question, “No.”

She stuffed that in the bag too and zipped it up without adding the cost into the register.

She gave him the total, with the rubbing alcohol and without the sandwich, took his money, gave him his change and sat back down on her stool like she hadn’t just made his whole world brighter.

He wasn’t sure what meant more to him – the sandwich or the kindness.

**\---**

Another thing the money did for him was finally give him the chance to go to the library.

His ankle still wasn’t great, in fact it was maybe getting worse the more he walked on it, but that didn’t matter now that he had the money for a bus.

He couldn’t help but marvel at the whole arrangement. For a little of his found money, he could go first thing in the morning to the library all while sitting his ass down in a seat and just riding there.

The night before, armed with all his new things and his food, he had turned in early after eating and tending his wounds. He desperately, _desperately_ , wanted to use some of the water for a bath and a shave with his new soap and razor but that was a waste. Especially when there were bathrooms in the library. Somewhere there had to be a single room stall he could use for ten, fifteen minutes. Or maybe a couple of times to keep from being called out for his suspiciously long bathroom breaks, because he planned to be there all day.

The librarians were two women that were younger than the woman at the register yesterday but older than him. They smiled at him and told him to let them know if he needed anything then turned away in a manner that suggested they were giving him privacy as opposed to being too grossed out to look at him and his aching scars.

He liked it.

The library almost seemed shining in the sunlight. This beacon of a place he had been trying to get for so long.

He found a computer quickly, one as out of the way of everyone else as possible. There were few people around and the little date and time in the corner of the screen told him it was a weekday. He hadn’t thought of that but it was a good choice. Hopefully that meant less people even when it got a little later in the day.

There were log-on instructions on a piece of paper taped to the desk and he followed them maybe too meticulously for what they actually were. He just didn’t want to get anything wrong.

Once he was in, he clicked the internet icon and went to a search engine.

What next?

He had a lot of things he wanted to go over. _A lot_. Missing persons, any resources for homeless people who didn’t know their own names, medical questions…

And monsters.

He had a lot of questions about monsters.

Here’s hoping there wasn’t any sort of monitoring on this thing because if there was he was about to really freak some poor librarian out.

**\---**

It wasn’t until the sun went down that he left and reluctantly at that.

He had gotten _so much_ done. He had whole pages of things of things written down, people to contact if he was brave or desperate enough, leads to follow, medical tips and even some stuff about his monster problem.

Not to mention the bathroom he had found just outside of a microfilm room that looked like no one had been in it for twenty years. He got a full bath done, a shave, and had time to change his bandages and clean his wounds again. There was an old basin that looked like it was maybe for mopping but was otherwise clean enough. He loaded it up with cold water and even soaked his ankle for a little bit.

As if the library wasn’t wonderful enough, sometime in the early afternoon a librarian had come over and offered him a cookie. A _cookie_. Just for sitting there.

He had been so excited she gave him two with a smile.

Last night’s third of a sandwich had already almost unpleasantly filled him up so the cookies gave him a stomach cramp but they were worth it.

He got on the bus that night cautiously optimistic.

He could figure this out.

He could survive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, you guys blow me away with your response to this story!!! We're getting incredibly close to both rock bottom and a turning point :) 
> 
> Please let me know what you think of the chapter!


	7. Chapter Seven

* * *

**Chapter Seven**

* * *

When he got back to his hideout it was drizzling and there were flashing lights in the alleyway he usually took to get in. His heart sank.

_This was what you got for thinking things might get better._

He edged closer to the area and he wasn’t the only one. There were lots of people around, even though there were cops trying to keep everyone back. The whole entrance to the alley was taped off with bright yellow crime scene tape that made his breath catch.

There were two cops behind the tape, talking too quietly to be heard and shaking their heads. Just a little further past them, there were two younger people who weren’t wearing uniforms. A man who looked older than him wearing a hoodie drawn low over his face and a young woman with some sleeveless vest on. She had black tattoos down her arm that he couldn’t make out from so far away.

At first he thought they were being arrested or something but then he realized that no one was paying the two of them any mind. Another cop ducked under the tape and walked right past them without even glancing. Their focus was absolute.

People were whispering, talking to each other as their eyes stayed as glued to the scene in front of them as him.

The curiosity won out. He moved alongside an older guy who had a voice like a foghorn. “W-what happened?”

The guy barely glanced at him but he was happy enough to start the story from the top. “Some animal got a girl. Ripped her to shreds. Gruesome stuff, kid.”

“An… an _animal?”_

Or a monster? A monster looking for _him?_

Was this his fault?

“Gotta be some kind of dog. Big one. Her throat was totally ripped out. My cousin’s friend’s grandfather found her. Had to get taken to the hospital himself, it was so bad. Nearly gave ‘im a heart attack. Bad news. Real bad news.”

He backed up slowly, the crowd behind him more than willing to get out of his way to take his place closer to the front. Closer to the girl he had gotten killed.

His heart pounded and he gripped the strap of his backpack in sweaty, clammy hands.

No part of him wanted to see what those monsters had done to her. Was it one of the ones he had seen before? One that had come after him? Or was it something new, something worse and bigger and…

_Stop_.

He staggered back towards the park nearby. His ankle protested the lack of caution he gave it but he needed to sit down, he needed to not be able to see the flashing lights of the police cars, he needed not to hear all those people whispering.

He practically fell onto the first bench he saw. This was temporary. He knew better than to stay in the park long, not with the way he had been attacked in it before. It wasn’t safe.

_Nowhere was safe._

The reality of that thought hit him like a ton of bricks. There was literally nowhere safe for him to go. He could find another place to hide but they would still find him. He would never be able to relax, to rest, to be _free_.

In his backpack there were notes written about different supernatural covens he had found that seemed to believe in the kind of things he was seeing. He could try to contact one of them, hoping they weren’t frauds, but could he risk their lives too?

How many people could he justify hurting just trying to survive?

Who was the girl who had gotten murdered in his place? Was she kind like Angelica? Oh god, were those two people dressed different than the cops behind the tape her friends? Her family?

This was his fault.

At what point was all of these things – the medicine, the food, the money, the library, the running – he was trying to do to make his miserable life make sense… at what point did he decide it was useless?

He had thought about it before. How easy it would be to find something sharp, to take the pills he had just bought, anything really, and just lie down and be done. He wouldn’t need to hurt anymore or be scared or feel so useless.

Was that better? He didn’t know.

He didn’t know if he had it in him to give up but he also wasn’t sure he had it in him to keep trying when all that he kept doing was getting knocked down harder and harder.

Today had been _so good_. He had finally felt a flicker of hope for the first time in so long and that had been snuffed out in an instant. Snuffed out like the life of the innocent girl killed because he was cursed in some way he was probably never going to understand.

It took too long to realize he was crying.

He bit his lip and pulled in a shuddering breath.

A few more shaking breaths didn’t do anything more to steady him. He wasn’t sure anything _could_ at this point.

“Please,” He dropped his head into his hands, “Please, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what else to do.”

There was no one listening, he knew that now, but he begged all the same. Alone in the dark and the rain, he could only plead with anything out there to hear him and take pity.

The tears came harder, flowing out in great gasping sobs that he had no control over.

**\---**

In the end, he decided to go back to his original apartment. If the monsters where coming no matter where he went, then he might as well have running water while he waited to be ripped to pieces.

He fell into an uneasy sleep, too wrung out to do anything but pull off his wet shirt as he curled up in the bathtub behind a mostly wrecked door from the last time he had been there. The front door seemed intact, the lock was a little busted, but the bathroom door had been decimated.

It hardly mattered. He had been childish to think that a door was going to keep anything from hurting him. It hadn’t worked last time and it wouldn’t this time.

He slept horribly, uncomfortable and too hot and cold in turns.

When he woke up the next morning, he understood why.

His whole side was inflamed, a steady throb that stole his breath for a few moments.

He had forgotten to clean the wound out and take another dose of painkillers last night, and now the pain and the fever had roared back with a vengeance.

Moving sounded like more than he had the strength for. For all that the cool porcelain of the tub soothed his scars, it did his back no favors. Add in the vicious pain in his side and he just laid there for minute after minute, breathing heavily through his mouth in an attempt to manage _any_ of the pain.

This was bad, this was really bad.

Just moving his arm closest to the wound sent spikes of pain deeper into his flesh and he made a strangled noise closer to a whimper more than anything else.

_Get up. Nothing will get better in the tub._

There were pills in his backpack. Pills that would numb this agony.

With a gasp, he levered himself upright. The urge to curl up around his wounded side was almost insurmountable. It was only the promise of pain relief that got him moving.

He almost fell out of the tub his steps were so uncoordinated. Once he was kneeling on the ground, he frantically searched his stuff with one hand; the other was curled around the damp bandages. He clumsily got the cap open and his shaking hand spilled the tablets onto the tile. He grabbed the first four he found and threw them back dry, too desperate to drink.

And then he knelt there, breathing heavily.

He stayed as still as he could, not wanting to move a muscle while he waited for any sort of relief.

It came too slow.

And when it finally did come, it wasn’t enough.

He uncurled just enough to try and get a better look at his side. He pulled back the bandage and froze.

His wound was flushed dark red and there was pus leaking from greenish edges

“How…?”

It hadn’t looked so bad yesterday, it _hadn’t_. How had it gotten so bad so quickly?

Pouring the rubbing alcohol over the wound made him scream through grit teeth. The ointment seemed like it did nothing but that might just have been numbness by that point.

He looked over his supplies that had seemed like so much when he bought them.

They weren’t enough.

He had to figure something else out and quickly. Before this went further than his body could heal from.

**\---**

The day past slowly.

He felt almost disconnected from his own body. Though he had planned to go to the library again today, he knew he didn’t have the strength for it.

He tried to rest and sleep, even though his side was throbbing in pain and he felt weirdly shaky.

It took him too long to remember to eat, not until his stomach was burning. Then, when he finally did he almost threw it all back up. That would have hurt too badly, so he laid still and didn’t dare take in anything else.

He watched the sun set through the broken door and tried to figure out his plan, the next step he needed to take to survive.

It was slow to form.

He wasn’t sure if that was because of the exhaustion and pain or because he was just done and he hadn’t accepted it fully yet. His wound was so completely infected, he was pretty sure if he just laid on the ground long enough the choice would be taken out of his hands.

_You still have money. You can buy something else at the store to make yourself better._

When the thought came to him, he nearly let it pass by without even acknowledging it.

He still didn’t get up.

The sun’s light faded out completely.

He still didn’t get up.

_Do you really want to die like this?_

Maybe. The answer was maybe.

He stretched his arm out towards his backpack, intending to reach for one of his water bottles.

The sight of it though, the sight of his crappy little backpack filled with the cheapest goods money could buy…

Made him want to try.

He had been so happy to get those things. That he had been lucky enough to find that wallet, to get the money inside. Money he still had more of. It seemed like a waste. A waste of poor Byron’s bad luck and hard earned cash. A waste of the kindness that old woman at the store had given him. A waste of his own efforts if he was just going to lay down and die.

Yesterday he had been so hopeful.

He had worked too hard, had tried too hard, to just give up. Not while there was still another plan he could follow.

So he got up.

It was hard, he ached and he cried a little. His body shook and he had to gulp water from the tap to try and rouse himself enough to move and putting on his shirt was maybe the most pain he had ever been in before…

But he did it.

Now he was nearly staggering down the street, trying hard to keep his vision from doubling. He had his backpack over his shoulder, unwilling to leave it behind and risk losing it if something happened. Besides, in it he had the money.

There were two blocks between his apartment and the corner store he had been frequenting. All he had to go was two blocks, pick something out in the store, pay for it and then get home. Twenty minutes, tops. He could do this. He _had_ to do this.

“Hey, pretty boy.”

At first the words washed over him, he was so focused and so sure they weren’t for him.

“Come on, gorgeous, don’t be like that.”

For a second, his steps faltered as he froze solid at the realization that there was a man talking to _him_. The guy brushed against his non-injured side, dragging a finger over his cheek.

“Don’t touch me.” He said with as hard a voice as he could muster. In reality, he was so surprised that the words came out fainter than he wanted them to. He wanted to sound powerful, to tell this guy to back off. What came out was closer to a whisper than a roar.

The guy laughed, “Not so friendly, are you? I’m Ricky, what’s your name?”

Even if he knew the answer, he wouldn’t tell this guy. There was something oily about his voice and though he didn’t even want to look at him, his eyes were drawn up from his feet.

Ricky was _tall_ , taller than he was. Broader too, even before he had lost weight. He had stubble that was way too neatly manicured, like this guy must have taken serious time trying to maintain it. It only made him look as slimy as his voice sounded. His eyes were dark and they were staring at him with something in them that he didn’t know how to describe.

“Maybe that’s better,” Ricky said. He leaned in close to him until he could feel his breath against his ear. “We don’t need no names, if you don’t want.”

He staggered back, “Stay away from me.” He demanded again.

“Don’t get all worked up,” Ricky laughed at him and that was maybe worse than they way he was looking at him. His heart was pounding and this guy was just _laughing_.

Ricky took a few steps towards him and he almost fell over he was so frantic to get back. _Stay away from me, stay away from me…_ He felt his hands shaking even worse.

“I can pay,” Ricky said.

He froze staring at the weird grin on Ricky’s face.

“Just you and me, nice hotel room, I’ll rock your world so good you should be paying _me._ ” Ricky took another step closer and before he could move again, grabbed his shoulder right over one of his scars. He leaned in close again, the grip on his shoulder keeping him in place for Ricky to whisper, “I bet you got a nice tight ass.” And then he bit his earlobe.

The little jolt of pain, of _new_ pain, got him moving again. He tore himself out of Ricky’s grasp, “Get the fuck away from me!” He yelled it, even though he wanted to cry, even though he wanted to throw up because now he understood what the look in Ricky’s eyes was.

_Hunger_ – hunger for _him._

He saw some people on the other side of the road react to his yell, watching them but not coming over to help him.

Ricky noticed them too, he held his hands out and laughed. “Man, you’re so drunk!” He said way louder than he said anything else. Then his voice dropped down to an undertone, “Don’t piss me off, bitch.”

He grabbed him again, gripping his arm so tight it brought tears to his eyes.

Those people were already losing interest. They thought he was drunk, they thought it was a joke.

Ricky jerked him around so they were walking forward, “Play nice and I won’t get too mad. I like ‘em feisty anyway.”

“Leave me alone, please leave me alone.” He was begging, he didn’t care. His skin prickled with the heat from his fever and his head felt like he was swimming underwater for too long. He just wanted to go home. He didn’t care about the infected wound or the medicine he was supposed to be buying or anything else. He just wanted to _go_.

His ankle protested the pace Ricky set. Frantically, he tried to think of something to do. _Anything_. Whatever the plan was, it needed to work the first time because he didn’t have the strength for anything else and if he failed… if he failed…

If he fell, tripped or something, then he would drag Ricky down he was holding onto him so tight. If he was falling, could he manage to hit him the right way to get away and run?

What was better? Jam his finger in his eye? Heel of his hand to his nose? Boot to his balls?

_That_ might work. If he hit hard enough, he might give himself a head start while he ran. But how could he coordinate doing that and falling?

With each step his thoughts got more fevered, more terrified. There wasn’t any more time, he needed to run now while he was close enough to home to actually make it.

He let his bad ankle buckle underneath him, dragging them both down onto the sidewalk. In the same second, he rammed the heel of his hand into Ricky’s nose so hard he heard _and_ felt the crack.

“Fucking bitch!” Blood was already streaming out of Ricky’s nose.

He scrambled to his feet, drew his leg back and kicked between his legs as hard as he could. Ricky let out a high pitched squeal and immediately doubled over, hands between his legs and blood dripping onto the sidewalk.

He ran.

He ran even though his ankle shook under his weight.

The second he could, he darted into a narrow side street so he was out of Ricky’s sight and then again down some little driveway that cut across to a smaller, less crowded street. No one to tell Ricky where he went, if he came looking for him.

He was going the wrong way for home, but he had been walking these streets enough to know where to go to fix it.

As he made the next turn, his feet stumbled over some loose pavement and he felt the final _click_ go in his ankle, sending him down onto the ground as white hot pain shot up from his abused foot. Something was wrong. Something was really wrong.

He couldn’t stay here, he had to keep moving. He needed to get home, inside and away from Ricky’s eyes. From anyone’s eyes.

He gripped the brick retaining wall beside him and heaved himself up. The pain radiating from his ankle nearly sent him back down, it wouldn’t tolerate any of his weight without rolling in the joint, nearly sending him down to his knees as he hobbled forward.

_Get away, keep going, don’t stop._

Each step was like agony. Every inch of him, his wound, his scars, his ankle, protested the journey. His head swam with pain and fever and his eyes steadily leaked tears that he couldn’t stop from coming.

The sight of his own door nearly sent him to his knees.

_Just a little further._

He fumbled at the doorknob, leaning his weight heavily against the wall. Once the door was open, he staggered inside, locked the door and fell back onto his ass. The front windows were covered with ancient blinds, but they scared him more than he could say.

He’d hurt Ricky, his pride and his body. He’d drawn blood.

That kind of man would come looking for him. Would do anything to find him to avenge himself.

The bathroom was safer. The thought was old, ingrained from before when he had childishly believed it. Still, he used his good leg to slide himself back towards the bathroom. Once inside, he shut what was left of the door and sat there, ears ringing and lungs heaving.

_Ricky was going to… he was going to…_

With a sob, he curled onto his side. His arms went around his knees and he didn’t bother trying to stifle the sobs.

_People were monsters too._

**\---**

The burning pain of his wound made him nauseous. Sleep wouldn’t come. Tears came much more easily, on and off as he laid on the bathroom floor and tried desperately not to vomit because he was pretty sure he wouldn’t survive that pain.

“I can do this.”

His voice was almost wrecked because he kept talking to himself. He had probably said more to the four walls around him than all the other spoken words in his life.

“Tomorrow, in the light, no one will try to hurt me and I can go buy medicine.”

Deep breath in. Hold it. Let it out slowly.

“People are disgusted by me. They won’t touch me.”

He twisted his wrist in a little more, the strap of his backpack wrapped almost painfully tight around it. The pain was grounding. Maybe because it reminded him of the backpack and all of its lifesaving contents or maybe because it was a pain that he chose himself.

How he could even notice it over all the rest he didn’t understand. It didn’t matter. The tighter he pulled the strap around his wrist, even to the point where his hand started tingling, the easier it got to breathe.

“I’m not dying. When the sun comes up, I’ll get up again.”

It was hard deciding whether to keep his ankle as still as he could or turning it carefully so it pressed against new sections of the tile floor. Any hint of cold made it feel better, or maybe that was just in his head. The moving though, that was _awful_.

“I’m never going to see that man again.”

Just taking his boot off had helped. The swelling made it so tight he wasn’t even sure he could still feel his toes. He wasn’t sure how he was going to get it back on. Maybe he would limp to the store in just a sock.

“It’s going to be okay.”

The front door exploded.

He sat up so fast his head spun, “No, no, no… please…”

His hand groped for the counter as the sound of claws scrabbling against the floors seemed to cut through every other sound around him.

The room spun around him as he pulled himself up on one leg. _Think, think!_

No plan came to him. Nothing.

He pulled in as deep a breath as he could.

The tattered bathroom door gave him a good view of the thing out in the main room. He had seen this one before. The demonic bulldog with three rows of teeth ready to rip him to shreds, into pieces like that girl in the alley. Had this thing killed her?

Was this the thing that would finally kill him?

He huddled against the wall even though he knew it wouldn’t save him. This thing had found him _again_ , it wasn’t going to let a half broken door get between them.

_If… if it burst through the bathroom door like it did the front door, maybe…_

The plan formed rapidly, even though he knew in his heart it wouldn’t work.

If he kept close to the doorway and it flew through the door, maybe he could get behind it and run.

Except he couldn’t run. He couldn’t even walk.

The tears came again, hot and shameful down his cheeks.

He didn’t want to die crying.

For some reason, he thought the creature would have sniffed around for him or something. He thought he would have a minute to prepare himself. Instead, it burst through the door and seemed to already know where he was. It didn’t even need much time to correct its momentum. The shock of it pulled a hoarse yell from his lips.

He fell through the doorway, not ready at all. In seconds he was on the ground, using his good leg to shove himself back.

There was commotion by the front door. For a split second he thought it was another thing come to kill him. Instead, he heard a human voice and the old fear of being discovered in the only home he had ever known but had no right to warred with this thing in front of him.

_Stay alive._

_Don’t let people know you’re here._

_Don’t let the monster kill you._

_People are monsters too._

As it set its eyes on him again, he cried out. He was just _done_. Whatever happened, whatever killed him, whatever exposed him… whatever came next, he was _done_.

Someone came through the doorway but he couldn’t tear his eyes from the teeth of the creature gearing up to pounce onto him.

Then, a wave of bright green shot out and knocked the thing on its back. Another flash of green and a few shouted words that didn’t make any sense to him and the thing burst into glittering embers.

His back hit the wall, he was still pushing himself further and further away.

“Hey, shh, you’re all right.”

A woman stepped into his line of sight and finally he pulled his eyes from the pile of ash in the bathroom where he had slept. His mouth was wide open as he tried to pull a full breath in. He panted as he stared at her.

Her hair was white, not gray or even blonde. Pure, complete white. It made her tanned skin glow almost brighter than the green swirling _something_ around her hands.

She crouched down in front of him, eyes narrowed for all that her words were kind. She looked… confused?

_“Alec?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me what you think!


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Deepest apologies, my friends. I thought Cat's warlock mark was only blue skin, not blue skin and white hair. I didn't mean to mislead. It's only a small hiccup though, you'll see in a minute :) 
> 
> Please enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter Eight**

* * *

“Alec?” She asked when he said nothing, saying that name again, “Did it hurt you?”

He couldn’t get a full breath in.

She was staring at him. Seeing him like no one else had ever seen him, not even the kind people. She looked at him _like she knew him_.

“Alec, it’s Eva, remember? Magnus introduced us at a party a few months ago? How… why are you _here_? Why aren’t you in New York?” She – _Eva –_ seemed so confused by the sight of him. She held her hands out in front of her like he was something wild she needed to gently coax into trusting her.

Maybe he was. Maybe that was all he was anymore. Something wild backed into a corner.

Nothing she said made any sense.

“Alec?” Eva asked again.

_Alec,_ he repeated in his head, _was that his name?_

He latched onto it. It sounded… _right?_ It was maybe the first thing in this entire mess of his life that actually sounded right.

He opened his mouth but he didn’t know what to say. The panic hadn’t died with the monster that had come to kill him. The open doorway terrified him. His eyes darted between Eva and the door that might let anything else in to kill them.

“We… we need to go. You need to go. Get away from me, I’ll… I’m… there’s something wrong with me…” He tried to explain. He had to try to make her understand without making her think that he was crazy so she wouldn’t believe him. And maybe, the little part of him that wanted to hear her call him Alec again also didn’t want her to think there was something so wrong with him that she would curl her lip up and sneer at him.

If this person who gave him a name decided she hated him, he didn’t know what he would do.

She just stared at him, eyes wide.

“Please,” He begged for any of it. “Please, I’m not… they just keep coming. We need a door. I need a door.”

“Shh,” Eva said again. She shifted a little closer to him and froze when he flinched. He couldn’t help it, everything _hurt_. “Alec, you’re bleeding. What happened? Where…” Her eyes focused on his scarred neck and he flinched again.

“Please, please…” _Please don’t hate me. Please don’t think I’m disgusting._

“Where are your runes?” Eva asked and though there was some sort of dawning horror on her face, it didn’t seem like it was meant for him.

Please, don’t let it be meant for him.

“I don’t know,” He didn’t know what that word meant. “I don’t know what runes are. Please, it’s not safe.” He held out a shaking hand to point at the open doorway. “They’ll find us.”

Eva stared at him with worried eyes. “It’s…” Her voice faltered like she didn’t know what to say to him. “It’s okay, Alec. I don’t know what happened, but I think you’re really sick. Can I heal you?”

_There’s nothing wrong with me. Please, there’s nothing wrong with me._ The tears, finally gone away from the shock, sprang to his eyes again and he knew he couldn’t stop them. “Please, I’m sorry.”

It seemed like there were tears in Eva’s eyes too, “I’m… I’m going to call Magnus, okay? Magus will come and he’ll make this better. He’ll know what to do.”

He didn’t know Magnus. The name though, it clicked the same way Alec clicked. He couldn’t explain why. Even if the name clicked, his heart pounded at the thought of more people. More people to stare at him and sneer at him and hurt him… “Don’t, please don’t.”

Except she already had her phone out and she looked like she was frantically scrolling through her contacts, “Magnus loves you, Alec. He loves you so much. It’s all right, he’s going to help you. We’re going to help you.”

What she was saying couldn’t be right because she said that Magnus loved him.

Nobody loved him.

How could someone love him and leave him to this hell he had been barely surviving?

How could someone love him when he had been pulling rancid food out of trashcans to eat, when he had been attacked again and again by monsters, when he had nearly been… when Ricky had nearly hurt him? Whoever had left him behind had done it on purpose. They’d done it to hurt him _and they had._

Whoever this man was, he didn’t love him.

Eva tapped something on her screen and instantly the sound of a phone ringing filled the empty space between them. He wanted to draw back from it, as though this person was going to transport through the phone to crowd him.

“Come on, Magnus, answer me.” Eva muttered to the phone in her hands.

The phone rang out until the first syllable of a voicemail message came on. A man’s voice saying, “You’ve…”

Eva ended the call and then immediately started another. “We’re going to get him, Alec, I promise. I’ll send a fire message if he doesn’t answer. As soon as I tell him you need him, he’ll be here. Magnus will come straight here.”

He watched her frantically dial again and again as the room started to swim around him. He couldn’t stop looking at the doorway. If something else came to kill him, would Eva be able to keep it back? The darkness outside only felt threatening.

Eva glanced up at him and seemed to go pale. “Alec, please, can I come closer? I just want to see what’s wrong and help you. You’re holding your side, are you hurt?”

He tore his eyes from the door and realized he had curled a protective hand around his wound. There was heat radiating out from it. “We’re not safe.” He tried again. He _had_ to make her understand.

Eva looked at the doorway again and then threw her hand up. Green coalesced in the empty frame for a second before a door came into existence, “Is that better?” She asked earnestly.

“How… how did…?” He stared uncomprehendingly at the door.

There was a beat of silence, Eva hesitating before trying the phone again. She didn’t say anything to him, not about the door or about Magnus.

This time a woman answered. “ _Eva, I’m sorry, this is a really bad time._ ”

“Cat!” Eva gasped, “Catarina, is that you?”

“ _It is, Eva. Magnus can’t… he’s not available. I’ll tell him you called, though.”_ Her voice was hushed and there was something sad in it that almost made him sad too.

“Wait!” Eva literally shouted at the phone. She looked up at him again, “Wait, this is important. I was tracking this demon that mauled a girl the other night and…”

“ _Eva, listen, Magnus can’t help. He’s… God, you probably haven’t heard yet, but Alec is dead.”_

Some sort of understanding came over Eva’s face and she looked at him like he suddenly made so much more sense, “Cat, I think this is all connected. Please, tell me what happened.”

There was a rustling noise on the other end of the line, like Cat was moving through some room and into another. Her voice got louder but no less sad, “ _It’s been awful, Eva. Alec and his parabatai went on a mission to check out a rogue warlock in a warehouse and something went wrong. A fire started. We don’t know how it happened or who the warlock was. His parabatai was knocked unconscious somehow and when he woke up, he was outside and Alec… Alec was still inside. He was already gone. We have no idea how it could have happened and the fire burned so hot we couldn’t even get his body back. They found his bow after, when the flames died down.”_ She sighed and even though he didn’t know her at all, it sounded like she was hurting, “ _Magnus is a mess. I haven’t been able to leave him. Sometimes he seems to come alive again and goes on these incoherent research sprees because he thinks Alec couldn’t have died like that or that he can fix it somehow and then other times he accepts it and it’s like something inside of him just goes out. Like he’s dead too. I’ve never seen him in so much pain before. I’m afraid… I’m honestly afraid he’ll…”_

“Cat,” Eva broke in gently when the woman didn’t seem able to say whatever it was out loud. Her eyes were trained on him even as she spoke to someone else. “There’s been a massive increase in demonic activity in a specific neighborhood in San Francisco. The Institute here has been completely baffled. They’ve been threatening harsher action against the local warlocks because they think we’re harboring someone who’s summoning demons. A few of us have been trying to figure it out because we’re sure it’s not one of us doing this. I tracked a demon into what I thought was an abandoned apartment. I understand better why demonic activity has had such an increase in this area. I’m with him now. He’s hurt, he doesn’t have his runes and he seems to have no idea who he is or what the Shadow World is, but it’s Alec. _Cat, Alec is alive_.”

Silence.

Then, “ _Where are you?_ ”

Eva rattled off an address down to the apartment number. “Careful though,” She added quietly, “He’s scared.” Then she said to him, “I know you don’t want anyone else to come here, but Cat is a friend, okay? She’s your friend. She’s going to help us.”

In the corner of the room there was a flash of light that coalesced into a circle. Then someone came through it.

His heart started to pound, “No, no, no…”

But it wasn’t a demon. It was only a woman.

A woman who stared at him with a look of blank shock. Then her lips curved into a smile, “ _Alec._ ”

She turned around and without any kind of hesitation, literally ran back through the circle she had come in and it shut behind her.

“She’s going for Magnus,” Eva promised him. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from the place the circle had been. “She’s going to bring him back here. You heard her, right? On the phone? Magnus loves you, he’s going to be so happy to see you. He’ll make you feel better and take you home so you’re safe. He’s going to…”

Another circle appeared in front of them. Two people tumbled out of it gracelessly. One was Cat, the woman who had looked at him and smiled.

The other was a man.

His clothes were rumpled and his hair was wild. He had smudged eyeliner that looked like had been drawn on by a child with shaking hands even before it got mussed. He wasn’t short and he had biceps and shoulders that made him look like he could do damage if he wanted to but there was something small about him. Diminished. Like he was broken.

Cat pulled his shoulder to stand him up straight. “Magnus, _look_ ,” Then, she pointed at _him_.

The man’s tired eyes locked onto him but didn’t seem to see him right away. Or maybe he just didn’t trust what he saw.

He watched realization dawn, saw the way understanding flooded into hopeless eyes.

The man’s lips parted in silent shock. 

Then, his eyes closed and he fell to his knees.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back, Magnus! Things have gone very wrong in your absence. 
> 
> Bonus points to anyone who remembers Magnus and Alec's discussion about warlock parties from the first chapter and Alec's admiration for Eva's fire breathing! We're going to reference that first chapter a few more times by the end. 
> 
> Thank you so much for all of your kind words for the last chapter! I'm so excited to hear what everyone thinks, so please let me know your thoughts!


	9. Chapter Nine

* * *

**Chapter Nine**

* * *

_His lips parted in silent shock._

_Then, his eyes closed and he fell to his knees._

“Thank you, thank you, thank you…” The man repeated the words over and over again.

Thank _who?_

Was this Magnus, the man who supposedly loved him?

Before he could ask or figure out who Magnus was thanking, he snapped out of his grateful daze. His eyes went straight to him, locking on as though he was something coveted. No one had ever looked at him like that, not even close. It was beyond kindness, beyond pity, beyond anything he could think of.

There was complete and utter joy on his face and it humbled him. How could he make a person look so incredibly _happy_? Focusing on him was hard, his eyes were tired and the room was too dark, darker than it had been even a few minutes ago, but he couldn’t look away.

“Alexander,” Magnus half crawled, half ran towards him with a hand outstretched like he was going to touch him.

His eyes widened and he pushed himself the last bit into the wall that he could, his whole body protesting the movement. He gasped as black spots started swirling in his vision.

“Magnus,” Eva said quickly when the man froze. “Magnus, he doesn’t know who he is.”

Magnus’ warm brown eyes traced over every inch of him with visible confusion. Then, his eyes zeroed in on the scar on his neck and suddenly it was as though everything made sense to him. He shut his eyes for just a split second, as though he were too much to look at.

He bit his lip, inexplicably hurt. He didn’t know this man, not a single thing about him. There wasn’t any reason to be upset that maybe he wasn’t what Eva said he would be but he _was_ upset.

_People are monsters too_.

Magnus’ eyes opened and he waited to see some flash of disgust. Something that would prove him right not to trust anything he said.

Except there wasn’t anything.

Magnus looked so happy and so sad all at the same time. Like his heart was breaking even as it was being put back together. Shining out underneath that was that same look as before. Like he was something precious that this man adored.

It made no sense. None of this made sense.

“Alec,” Magnus shifted his legs until he was kneeling properly. He held a hand out to him still, as though he desperately wanted to touch him. “Darling, I’ve missed you so much. I know you don’t know me. I know you’re probably so scared and so confused. My name is Magnus Bane and your name is Alec Lightwood and I promise you I’ll explain everything that I can. Please, _please_ , let me help you.”

_Magnus Bane and Alec Lightwood_.

He didn’t know what to say or what to do. These people were staring at him as though _he_ was the strange one here, not them, the ones that came through circles in the air or incinerated monsters with green light. 

They were waiting for him to say yes.

They were waiting for him to say anything.

“Cat, Eva, would you mind giving us a second?” Magnus said to them without tearing his eyes from him.

The two women went towards the door until he flinched so hard his side lit up with a fresh stab of pain. He let out a moan that he didn’t mean to and Magnus’ face fell for a few seconds before he could put the same gentle, encouraging expression on his face as before.

Cat and Eva looked between each other for a second before Eva quickly pulled another circle into existence and they walked through it together. In seconds, he could see the light outside and heard them furiously whispering to each other.

“Why does outside frighten you?” Magnus asked him softly. “Did something out there hurt you? I can help, I promise. I’ll keep you safe.”

The question took a few extra seconds to filter through his head. The pain from his wound hadn’t dialed back down once he went still and he could feel his shirt getting wet underneath his hand. Blood or something else was leaking out of the wound again.

“Please, Alec, let’s go away from here. Let’s go _home_.” Magnus shifted himself just a little bit closer. “I know you don’t trust me. You’ve never seen me before, so why would you? But I swear to you, you’re the most important thing in this world to me. If you let me take you home, I’ll get you something to eat and some new clothes and we can fix any wounds you have and you’ll be completely safe.”

It sounded too good to be true. That this guy would just show up and love him instantly and promise him all these nice things. And his eyes were so earnest, like he was telling the truth.

But he was cursed and he knew it, he wasn’t this lucky.

When he didn’t answer, Magnus seemed to grow even more desperate than before. “Alec, please love, trust me. I want to help you more than anything. I promise you, _I love you_.”

The words grated on him all of a sudden. He was hurt and hungry and tired _._ If he’d had someone before he woke up all alone in this place all those weeks ago, then they couldn’t have cared much about him at all. Who could claim to love him and also have left him behind? “Then where were you?”

He might as well have slapped Magnus. The man reared back as though the words landed like a physical blow. The visceral pain in his eyes almost made him regret asking the question.

But the waves of agony emanating from his wound _and_ his ankle _and_ his scars _and_ that awful tear somewhere inside of his body that he still didn’t understand… they kept him from feeling guilty. No one who loved him could have let all this happen to him.

“Alec,” Magnus said, his voice almost too faint to hear. He tried to clear his throat but the thickness of impending tears stayed in his voice. “Alec, you were out on a mission with your brother.”

A _brother?_ He bit his lip; he had a brother who had left him behind too?

“You’re so strong, you’re an amazing fighter and strategist. Your brother is the best fighter your people have and together I’ve seen you both beat amazing odds.” Magnus explained though it felt like he wasn’t explaining anything really. A brother? _Your people?_ A mission? What was his life? “And even though I trust you, even though I trust your skills and your judgment, I still wish I didn’t have to let you go do battle without me. Every time you text me to tell me you’re going on patrol or a mission, I want to follow you. I want to be close by just in case. I can’t though, because that’s not fair to you and you wouldn’t appreciate it much anyway.”

Magnus laughed a little and the sound was full of self-hatred, “Ever since they told me, I’ve hated myself for not going to your side to keep you safe. I was just in our loft, playing around with our cat and you were… you were… _they told me you were burned alive_. That you hadn’t made it out of the fire. I was useless and selfish and you died because of it. The best thing life has ever given me and I let you be ripped away from me.”

There were people in the world who he belonged to… and they thought he was dead?

Was that better? Did that make it better?

Alec huddled trembling as this man poured his heart out. He blinked slowly at him, trying to keep the rising tide of pain from completely bowling him over. “Don’t let them get me.”

Magnus frowned at him worriedly, “Who, Alec?”

“The monsters,” Alec felt the tears start again and this time he wasn’t frustrated with himself or angry about it or anything. He didn’t have it in him to care anymore. His body felt so heavy, but then also _not_. The pain was still there, it wasn’t ever gone, but he also felt like his limbs were going sort of numb. It helped, a little, especially with his swollen ankle. “They keep coming and coming and I can’t… I don’t know what else to do.”

“Come home with me.” Magnus answered instantly. He inched closer to him, “Let me take care of you. Trust me, I promise you I will _never_ let you be taken from me again.” He held his hand out again, closer than ever before. It wasn’t shaking, not like his own. It seemed strong, like Magnus could actually do what he promised.

Without thinking, he pulled his hand from his wound and reached for Magnus.

The stretch of his body and the lack of pressure against his wound made his vision go white with pain. He gasped and slumped forward before his wet fingers even glanced Magnus’.

“Alec!” Magnus cried but his voice sounded so far away.

Hands touched his heated skin and he heard a half sort of sob from Magnus as he carefully maneuvered him down onto his side. Magnus gently tried to move his shirt out of the way but the fabric was sticking to part of his wound and the sensation was like a knife. He cried out and Magnus stopped. A flash of blue later and he was somehow lying shirtless in front of Magnus.

“Oh god,” Magnus whispered. His hands hovered over Alec’s skin, “Oh god, Alec.”

Something warm and soothing licked against the ravaged wound and he sighed and shut his heavy eyes. That helped. That helped _a lot._

“Alec, darling, please stay awake for me, okay? Cat! Cat, help me! Alec, please stay with me. Please, open your eyes!”

The door opened. Hushed voices faded out.

_“He’s got a horrifically infected wound in his side, Cat!”_

Footsteps raced closer to him. Someone fell to their knees beside him.

_“Stay calm Magnus, we’re going to heal him.”_

_“Alec, Alec, open your eyes.”_

The sob of pure pain kept him from drifting away like his exhausted body demanded. His eyes fluttered open but he didn’t have the strength to keep them that way.

“ _That’s it, darling, please, wake up for me? Please? We’re going to heal you and we’ll go home and it’ll be so good. I promise you. I’ll give you anything you want, just please wake up.”_

His voice sounded so far away.

Fingers pressed into his wrist. Someone else gingerly pulled up his pant leg to expose his ankle better and he didn’t even have it in him to flinch away from the pain.

_“His heart rate is too slow... God, he’s lost a lot of weight…”_

Even though they were trying to help, everything they were doing hurt.

_“Careful with his leg, there’s something wrong with his foot.”_

Staying awake, even a little bit, got harder and harder.

_“Cat please, I can’t lose him again.”_

_“We’re not going to lose him.”_

**\---**

His first thought ever, all those weeks ago on the floor of his apartment, was of pain.

He hadn’t known it then but when he woke up alone and gasping in agony from his scars and the invisible wound inside of him, he was actually experiencing the least amount of pain he would know in his entire existence. There were no cuts or bruises or hunger pains or any of the rest of it then. No infections, no broken bones.

Recently, he had almost started looking back on that first day fondly.

Now as his eyes fluttered open to a bright, sunny room filled with luxurious fabrics, a sinfully soft bed and a man who claimed to love him, he was in another room that he had never been in before. The pain was still there and so much worse than it had been back in that other lonely room, but he would take this over before any day.

His side still felt incredibly tender and sore, his ankle felt swollen and strained, his head ached, his belly burned, his skin felt raw…

But the worst of the pain had passed.

The lack of searing pain was startling. Nothing felt _right_ , it all ached and demanded he lie still, but _this_ he could endure.

Soreness. Weakness. Hunger.

_Not_ agony, exhaustion and terror.

Magnus didn’t push him to speak right away. He just watched while tears leaked out of the corners of his grateful eyes. He had been _so_ sure that he was done. That he was dead and that he would never know how any of this had happened. While he came to terms with the idea that he had been granted an extension of his life to try to figure all of this out, Magnus sat like a statue beside him.

It took him too long to realize that Magnus was crying too.

He turned his head slowly, wary of lighting up the scar on his neck. His skin pulled, it always did when he moved, and he found that pain to be much the same as before. It was almost comfortingly familiar. “What’s wrong?”

Magnus shook his head and smiled brilliantly at him. He had smiled before, when he was trying to get him to take his hand, but that had felt sort of hollow. Like he was smiling to make things better, not because they actually were.

This was just happiness.

“Nothing is wrong.” Magnus answered him and there was even happiness in his voice. “Nothing at all. How do you feel?”

“ _Better_ ,” He said, breathing out the word like the revelation that it was. _I’m still alive. I wasn’t so sure I’d ever wake up again._

Magnus’ smile widened with a rush of air that was something between a laugh and a sob. “I’m so very glad, Alexander.”

_Alexander?_ He frowned, “I thought you said my name is Alec?”

Magnus opened his mouth before shutting it straight away. “I should explain better, I suppose.” He said finally. “Your full name is Alexander Gideon Lightwood, Alec is a nickname. You actually told me once that you kind of hated Alexander, which made me feel instantly awful because I call you Alexander very regularly. Before I could apologize, you said that you like it when _I_ call you that. So I still do. I’m the only one and you apparently quite like it that way.”

“Alec,” He said again slowly, almost tracing out the way the word sounded in his mind and with his voice. “Alexander. Alec Lightwood.” It _fit._ Maybe Alec more than Alexander but he _did_ like the way Alexander sounded when Magnus said it. Better than with his own voice at least.

_I am Alec. I am Alec Lightwood._

It would take getting used to, but he – _Alec_ – was willing to try.

Magnus smiled at him again, “My name is Magnus Bane. And I…” He paused for a second and seemed to steel himself for _something_ , “And I am a warlock, Alec.”

Suddenly, Eva’s green light and the way the monster exploded and the swirling circles that Cat seemed to use for travel made way more sense. “Okay,” He said, and waited for Magnus to keep going.

Instead, Magnus’ eyebrow rose, “Okay? _”_

“If monsters are real, why can’t magic be?” Alec asked, trying his best to sound intelligent without being an ass about it. He didn’t want Magnus to think he was rude or annoying or anything bad. “It makes sense. Does everyone know about it?”

Magnus stared at him though he needed a few extra seconds to untangle what Alec had just said. “No,” He answered finally, “No, most people do not. There are three main factions in the world. Mundanes have entirely human blood and are completely out of the supernatural realm. Downworlders, like myself, have connections to demonic blood in some capacity. Within this group there are many different types of beings. Vampires, werewolves, seelie, mermaids...”

Alec nodded to show he understood even though his head was spinning, “Am… am I like you?”

The question seemed to startle Magnus for a second before he smiled again, “No, darling.”

“But Eva is?” He asked to make sure he understood, “Where is she?”

“Eva is back in San Francisco. We are at home in New York. There are things that must be… _cleaned up_ , to keep you safe. There are others there who noticed all the demons and were tracking the situation. I don’t wish them to find out about you. She’s going to help me keep you safe.” Magnus explained, “And that brings us to the third faction, which you are a part of. Nephilim, more commonly called Shadowhunters. You have Angel blood. It is the Shadowhunters’ responsibility to protect the world from demons, or monsters as you say.”

It was Alec’s turn to be startled. He wasn’t sure which was worth asking about first. The fact that he finally had a reason why those things kept coming after him or that he had _Angel_ blood. Both questions sort of tumbled out of his mouth in a mad rush, “Angel blood? So that’s… do mons- _demons_ sense Angel blood? Is that why they kept finding me? I’m not… I’m not cursed? I didn’t do something wrong?”

Magnus reached for him so quickly, Alec didn’t have time to react. His hands went around his cheeks, holding his face in place as he pressed his forehead to Alec’s, “You did _nothing_ wrong. Alec, please believe me. You are not cursed.”

Just as fast as he was touched, Magnus let him go. His skin almost tingled where Magnus’ fingers had been and Alec felt something in his chest go tight with the loss. Almost no one touched him. Especially not in a nice way. He didn’t realize how much he would crave it. “Then _why?_ ”

The warlock’s face went a little harder and for a second Alec thought he had said something wrong. Then Magnus said, “I don’t know. I don’t know how this happened, but I will find out. I will make this right.”

He wanted to understand even though his head was already spinning with everything Magnus had already revealed. He was still so tired and his head was aching already without his thoughts racing like they were but he wasn’t going back to sleep for anything. Not when Magnus was giving him everything he had been so desperately searching for. “You said there was a fire?”

Magnus nodded but he didn’t seem particularly interested in it. “Yes, but the fire was a cover. I know that now. A way to destroy any evidence. And a way to keep from having to produce a body that would have been altered in ways that I would have been able to recognize. Whoever did this knew I would have moved mountains to find you, if I had any hint of a clue that you hadn’t died.”

Those words and all the implications that came with them drew Alec up short. He wasn’t sure if it was the idea of that kind of dedication to _him_ or that other people knew about it, believed in it and had planned accordingly.

Who exactly was Magnus Bane in the eyes of the rest of the world? And who was Magnus Bane to him _?_

Magnus saw it and Alec knew he did. Something in his eyes changed and Alec was struck by the devotion staring back at him.

“I am old, Alec.” Magnus said evenly, “Older than I look. I have been in love many times before you. I’m old enough that a century ago I decided that I was done with love. I locked my heart away and no one, not one single person, tempted me to try again.”

It should have probably shocked him that Magnus was implying that he was hundreds of years old even though he only looked a little older than Alec himself. It didn’t. Somehow, it seemed entirely right that this beautiful man who seemed to contain so much would also have more years within him that Alec, with his paltry weeks, could ever comprehend.

Magnus said all of that slowly, with a full pause in between the sentences as though leaving space for Alec to jump in with questions. Though he had hundred, he kept his mouth shut. Why ask when Magnus was going to answer so many of them anyway? Every word out of his mouth made this dark period of _before_ light up a little more in Alec’s tired brain.

“I have no great love for Shadowhunters, I’ll be honest with you. Being tasked with killing demons has made the Nephilim prejudiced against those with demon blood, no matter how much.” Magnus continued.

That made Alec frown. Who could look at Magnus and say they were better than him? What did someone’s blood matter?

Magnus stopped then and, when he saw the frown, he quirked a strange smile at Alec. “I was drawn into your world to help stop a genocidal madman. I wanted nothing to do with it, honestly. And then you were in my nightclub, killing a demon as though it were easy as breathing for you and you were _gorgeous_ , and though you seemed so strong and powerful there was something vulnerable about you, as though you might need me as much as I needed you. And then later you spoke to me and you seemed so genuinely interested in me for all that you were afraid and having your tentative interest and trust was intoxicating. Every new thing I learned about you, every word out of your mouth, even when you were pushing me away, drew me in further. I think I loved you the moment I saw you, which sounds cheap. You can’t love a person if you don’t know them. Except I truly did, though that first rush of love I felt feels so small now. I fall more in love with you each day.”

If Magnus was magic, then these words coming out of his mouth were a spell. He seemed made of light as he talked about Alec like he was something special. What he was explaining, and offering through that explanation, seemed too good to be real.

But the care that Magnus had given him, the way he looked at him, the way he had saved him… all of that said it _was_ real.

“I had to convince you to try with me. We are so different, we come from such different worlds. You were so hesitant and each step you took towards me was like the sweetest victory.” Magnus’ voice was hushed with wonder. “We stumbled a bit over those differences but every time we renewed our dedication, we seemed to fit together better and better.”

Though Magnus’ story was beautiful, it wasn’t _his_. He had no memory of those moments Magnus described. They didn’t belong to him. “I’m not… I don’t remember any of that. I’m not _him_.”

Magnus laughed softly, “You woke up after all the pain and hardship you experienced and the first thing you did was express concern _about_ _me_. Your conclusion about your time being hunted by demons was that _you_ were cursed, that _you_ had done something wrong. You’ve had to be so brave and so strong. You’ve had to keep going, to keep pushing yourself, even though I’m sure there were moments you wanted to give up. You _didn’t_. You’re here now because you didn’t. Your immediate reaction to being told that Downworlders are considered lesser because of their blood was to frown at me. You are so curious to know, to understand. You’ve let no complaint come out of your mouth, just questions. Those are just _some_ of the things that I fell in love with. We’ve been together again for such a short period of time and though you don’t remember me, you are still so completely my Alexander I can hardly believe how incredibly lucky I am.”

There was one question that rose up above the rest, desperate to be asked. He was almost afraid of the answer, but he had to ask it all the same. “Can you get my memories back?”

“I will not lie to you.” Magnus said and Alec felt his heart sink, “I can’t promise you your memories. What I can promise is that I will try as hard as I can and go as far as I can without hurting you.”

“I can take pain.” Alec made his own promise. He already _was_ in pain. What was a little more?

Magnus’s head fell even as he nodded it, “I know that.” He said to his hands in his lap. When he looked back up at Alec, his eyes had a sheen of tears. “I know that, Alec.”

“Then please,” Alec begged quietly.

“The kind of mindwork you’re talking about is intense. It needs to be attempted when you’re stronger…” Magnus held up a hand when Alec opened his mouth to protest, “If you want this to work, Alec, you must trust me. You need to recover, to build up your strength.”

The rush of angry impatience Magnus’ words brought made him turn away too quickly. He knew better and the sharp bite of pain from the scar in his neck was punishment that he deserved. It only made the frustrated tears in his eyes fall faster.

“What was that?” Magnus asked with concern. When Alec didn’t answer, Magnus gently used a single finger to coax him to turn his head back to face him, “You were in pain just now. Why? Does your head hurt?”

Alec didn’t _want_ to talk about his pain. If Magnus thought he was too hurt to try to recover his memories then it would take even longer for him to be willing to try.

“Alexander?” Magnus asked again.

He was so worried and it almost hurt to see it. Alec couldn’t keep silent, even if he was pushing his own wish back to reassure Magnus. “No, my head doesn’t hurt.”

“Then what was that?” Magnus pressed.

Reluctantly, Alec gestured to the scar on his neck. He _hated_ bringing Magnus’ attention to it. He was covered in these ugly patches of ruined skin lying before a beautiful god.

Magnus eyes narrowed as he tried to understand what Alec was telling him. “Your neck?”

Alec sighed, “All of them. Every scar. They never stop hurting but when I move them too much, it gets worse. Doesn’t help that they’re everywhere.” He added bitterly.

The explanation seemed to make sense to Magnus, “I admit I don’t know much about deruning, but we can figure out how to ease that pain until… well, until a more permanent solution can be found. I…”

Alec cut him off, “Deruning?”

“Oh,” Magnus said surprised. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone, “I didn’t explain runes, did I? Shadowhunters derive extra power and abilities through the use of angelic runes. They’re drawn onto your skin, some permanently. Then, with the use of a device called a stele that I’m not going to attempt to explain, you can activate them when needed.” He then offered his phone to Alec.

Alec wasn’t entirely sure what he was about to be shown or how it connected to whatever was wrong with his skin. Still, he took the phone in eager though shaking hands and looked at the picture on the screen.

It was _him_.

He was standing on a balcony wearing no shirt. The camera angle was one that caught his back and his side, even his neck.

In every single spot he bore a scar there was a black design on his skin like a tattoo.

“Those are runes,” Magnus said softly, He pointed at one on his shoulder, “Accuracy.” Then another shaped sort of like a cross on his back, “Precision.” Another, “Angelic Power. Deflect. Healing.”

Magnus swiped the picture to the side and suddenly it was another one, this one closer to his front. “Soundless. Stamina. Agility.”

Though Magnus was pointing out the runes still, Alec’s eyes were drawn to his own. In this picture, he had realized he was being watched. He looked back at Magnus with such warmth, such _love_.

Alec swiped to the next picture himself.

It was _them_.

Magnus was pressing a kiss to his cheek and he was _smiling_ so wide. There was happiness radiating out of his whole being. Happiness that Alec was sure he had never felt.

This person in the picture was so happy and whole and in love.

He wanted it all back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Being able to write 'Alec' in the POV sections again was a joy. You don't realize how complicated sentences get until you have a male character without a name talking to another male character without a name just writing 'he' over and over again hoping people get it lol. 
> 
> THANK YOU for the wonderful response to the last chapter. I hope everyone enjoyed Magnus' long awaited return. Please let me know what you think!


	10. Chapter Ten

* * *

**Chapter Ten**

* * *

Magnus could make food appear out of thin air.

In the time it took him to blink, he had a tray sitting on his lap with a full plate of things he had never eaten before on his lap.

His first reaction was joy. Then excitement and then a rush of jealously. His time in California would have been a lot easier if he could do _this._

For a second, Alec just stared at the plate. Fluffy scrambled eggs, a side of crisp bacon, a buttered croissant with little pots of cream and jam beside it, chunks of juicy pineapple and a mug of coffee. The smell of it alone almost made him want to cry.

His stomach let out an embarrassingly loud grumble and Alec gave in, grabbing the fork and deciding to go for the eggs first, since those and the bacon he had eaten before. Ease himself in to this gift.

_Delicious._

The bacon was as salty and addictive as he remembered. The pineapple might have been his favorite fruit yet. The croissant practically melted in his mouth. Everything was _so good_.

“Slowly, darling, I don’t want you to get sick.” Magnus chided gently, as though he knew exactly how much Alec wanted to inhale it all.

He was right though. Eating too much too fast led to stomach cramps. Alec had learned that the hard way on the rare occasion he’d gotten more than a few bites of something. Besides, he was going to be hungry later too, so he needed to save what he could.

Reluctantly, Alec set down his fork and slid his hands under the covers to avoid temptation.

Magnus frowned, “I didn’t mean you had to stop, Alec.”

“I know.” Alec promised him, because he didn’t want Magnus to feel bad at all, let alone after giving him such a feast. “I want to save it though, that’s all.”

“… save it?” Magnus echoed in confusion.

Alec nodded, “For tonight. Tomorrow too,” There was certainly enough food to last him. He picked up the cup of coffee and took a sip. With a shy smile, he said to Magnus, “I don’t know if the coffee is going to last long though. It’s too good.”

Magnus didn’t return the smile.

“What’s wrong?” Alec asked. He put the cup down, suddenly worried. Was some of it supposed to be for Magnus too? Had Alec eaten more than his share? Did he eat gross?

“Alec,” Magnus said carefully, “When you’re hungry, I want you to tell me and I’ll give you something to eat. Anytime you want, all right? And when you’re up for walking, I’ll show you the kitchen. You can take anything you want in there, okay? You don’t need to worry about rationing food, not here and not ever again.”

Instantly, a rush of shame came over him. He felt an embarrassed flush come over his cheeks. _Of course_ Magnus didn’t need him to make this plate stretch as long as he could. The man had just snapped it into existence. Hadn’t he just thought jealously about the ability? It was all just so much to remember, he hadn’t even thought about it.

He suddenly didn’t know where to look or what to do with his hands.

“Alec, it’s all right.” Magnus said gently. He hesitantly ran the backs of his fingers along a section of his arm that had no scars. The touch was careful and light but Alec felt it so much more than he should have. “Do you want to finish your plate?”

His heart very much wanted to finish his plate but his stomach was less on board. The pain of throwing up wasn’t easily forgotten and he wasn’t risking it again, especially not doing it in front of Magnus, “I’m done.” He said instead of explaining any of that.

Magnus looked a little put out. “All right, then. Remember, tell me if you get hungry again.” He waved the tray onto a dresser and Alec almost lunged to keep it close. He barely managed to hold himself in check.

If Magnus noticed, he didn’t say anything. “Now that you’ve eaten, I have something else we need to talk about.” He picked his phone up from where they had left it on the side of the bed and started thumbing through his pictures.

Alec wasn’t sure if he was excited or nervous as Magnus handed him his phone again. He braced himself either way. His limbs were starting to tingle as though they were going to sleep without him. He was so tired and now that his stomach was full the need for sleep was even harder to ignore.

But Magnus had said _need_. That they had something they _needed_ to talk about. There was still so much more that he was curious about. His wounded side was still demanding his attention and he had a headache building but he still took Magnus phone and looked down at the screen hungrily.

The picture was of him again but this time he was with two other people. A girl with blood red lips and dark hair who looked up at him instead of looking at the camera. On his other side, a boy with blonde hair and a cocky grin had his hand on his shoulder. They looked to be mostly the same age as him. “Who are they?”

“Isabelle and Jace.” Magnus answered him with a small smile. “Your siblings.”

Alec looked at him startled. He had forgotten the whole thing about a brother and now to see him and a sister too. He looked back down at the picture and tried to take in every detail about the two of them. “Isabelle and Jace.” He repeated.

They had the same markings – _runes_ – as he used to. All of them in different places, from what he could see.

The most striking thing, though, wasn’t their faces or their runes. It was how comfortable they seemed with each other. The fondness in his sister’s eyes, the easy touch of his brother. He knew without asking that these people were close to him, that they were important.

Gently, Magnus took his phone back and Alec almost wanted to snatch it out of his hands so he could keep greedily pouring over the picture of the three of them. He let it go all the same, hoping Magnus would return it with another picture of them.

Instead, he got himself again. The same picture as before, with the runes on his front. “Your sister is devastated. She idolizes you, you’re her big brother that means the world to her. What I’m going to explain next in no way diminishes how desperately happy your sister is going to be when she finds out you’re still here and I want to make sure you understand that.”

Magnus tapped a specific rune on his side, “This means _parabatai_. Not all Shadowhunters have it. It’s considered sacred to your people and involves a lot of time, preparation, testing and a ceremony to achieve. It’s a bond, Alec. A bond between two Shadowhunters’ souls.”

_What?_ Alec looked up at Magnus sharply.

“Not like that,” Magnus laughed a little, “It’s a platonic thing but no less intense. You’re bonded with your brother Jace. The primary purpose of the bond is for synchronicity in battle. I’ll be honest with you, the two of you have always been useless at explaining much of anything to do with it, so I’m not the best person to give you a full depth of understanding. What I want you to know now is that the bond coordinates you when fighting, it allows you to feel the other’s emotions and if you’re injured.” He pulled in a deep breath. “You hav… you _had_ a piece of Jace’s soul and he had a piece of yours. Losing a _parabatai_ is considered the most pain a Shadowhunter can feel. Many don’t survive it and more still go mad after the loss. When Jace woke up alone outside of that warehouse with his matching rune gone and he realized he couldn’t feel you he was…”

Magnus stopped like he didn’t have the words to really explain. The expression on his face was almost enough.

“Sad?” He guessed when Magnus still didn’t resume speaking.

“Shattered.” Magnus said finally, “His soul has literally broken into a thousand pieces and I honestly thought no one would be able to put him back together again because some of the pieces – _you_ – were gone. The guilt alone has been consuming him.”

Alec tilted his head, confused, “Guilt for what? You said he woke up outside, so he must have gotten hurt?”

That question only got him a look that he couldn’t read. Whatever Magnus felt, he seemed to be trying to restrain himself. “Shadowhunters, the entire lot of you, have very unhealthy relationship with battle. There is no ‘my body couldn’t take any more and I collapsed’ to be used as an _excuse_.” Magnus sneered the word and the anger behind it was heavy, “You’re all expected to get back up or else, no matter what’s wrong. Jace is considered one of the fiercest warriors, he’s the most gifted fighter your generation has. There’s an enormous amount of pressure that goes with that. Pressure put on Jace from the outside and pressure Jace puts on himself.”

Magnus sighed, “He failed the mission, getting knocked out like that… or at least, that’s how he feels. Then adding into that is the fact that you needed him and he wasn’t there. You were dying, he thought, and he didn’t save you. What good is he if he can’t even protect the other part of his soul? He failed and his brother and _parabatai_ is gone forever.”

Alec handed Magnus back his phone, “Go back to the other one, please?” He asked quietly.

A few swipes of Magnus’ finger and the picture of the three of them was back on the screen.

The next words were said so, so softly, “He can’t sleep, he won’t eat. He can’t function through the pain of losing you. When he speaks to us, it’s almost always about how he wants to be with _you_.” Magnus’ voice cracked on the last word and Alec felt the depth of pain there that Magnus wasn’t truly explaining. Not just Jace’s pain, _his own_ pain too.

“But…” Alec started before he caught the look on Magnus’ face.

_Oh_.

“I have to call them, Alec.” Magnus’s voice was almost wavering. “I have to let them see you, see you’re alive.”

The thought of more people crowding around him made him want to curl into himself. And the thought of disappointing Jace and Isabelle, the ones in the picture who seemed to be such a massive part of who he had been, made his throat go tight, “I’m not… they’ll…”

Magnus’s warm hand cupped his cheek, “They’ll thank the Angels to have you back. They’ll weep tears of joy. They won’t look at you harshly for your scars. They won’t sneer at you for not remembering them. They’ll just love you.” He promised Alec, clearly willing him to trust his words, “Please, darling, let me call them.”

The words were too thick in Alec’s throat.

Magnus said again, “Please, Alexander. You need them and they need you. Trust me one more time.”

“Okay,” Alec whispered.

In seconds, Magnus was standing beside the bed, his phone back in his hands faster than Alec could register the movements. And although Magnus was standing with his focus on the call connecting, he still gently stroked Alec’s hair back from his forehead.

It felt _so good_. Alec let his eyes shut, resting just a moment.

“Izzy,” Magnus said with a different sort of voice. Soft but respectful, like he wanted to be gentle to something that was made of steel, “I need you, Clary and Jace to come to the loft urgently.”

_Clary?_ Who was Clary?

There was a brief pause where Magnus listened before he said, “I know, trust me I know. But believe me, this is worth it. Do whatever you need to get Jace here quickly, all right?”

Another pause before Magnus wordlessly ended the call. “They’ll be here soon, darling. And I felt you flinch when I said Clary’s name. She’s Jace’s girlfriend and she loves your brother with her whole heart. She’s on our team, I promise.”

Alec opened his eyes again, though focusing his eyes on Magnus wasn’t so easy. His worry must have shown on his face because Magnus hesitated a second.

Magnus glanced around the room before he quickly went towards a vanity on the side of the room. “Hmm, we can make this better…” He seemed to be thinking aloud. He grabbed something and waved his magic over it a few times, mumbling something under his breath. Then, he came back to Alec’s side and presented him with a hand mirror with a flourish. “Here, darling.”

Alec took the mirror slowly, not entirely sure what Magnus was trying to give him. “Thank you?”

Magnus laughed and the genuine sound of it, a sound caused by _him,_ made Alec’s cheeks go warm. “Look, Alec.”

He obeyed without thinking, so quickly it took a second to realize that instead of seeing himself staring back, he was looking into a room.

“That’s my living room,” Magnus pointed past the door, “Just out there. You need to stay in bed and rest, I don’t want you on that foot at all. But I know you need to see their reactions too, so this way you can stay cozy in bed and watch at the same time.”

Now that he knew where the mirror’s image led, he looked again more eagerly.

Magnus had a _lot_ of stuff.

Books and art and all sorts of things were on the other side of the glass. And he couldn’t see everything, the mirror’s span only went so far, so Alec couldn’t even imagine what else there might be. As he looked over the array of items he realized he was seeing a lot of mostly empty bottles of alcohol, “That’s a lot of bottles,” He commented sort of awkwardly.

Magnus flushed a little, “Ah, well…” He waved his hands towards the direction he had pointed and Alec watched, riveted, as all the bottles disappeared and the room seemed to set itself to rights, tidying up in seconds. “My apologies, I haven’t left your side since we got home and I forgot all about the mess. Cleaning seemed so pointless when…” He trailed off awkwardly.

_When the love of my life was dead._

Magnus didn’t say it but Alec heard it.

Alec gave him a hesitant smile, not sure what to say to that. It seemed to be right though, because Magnus beamed back at him.

“While we’re waiting for your siblings, I wanted to tell you something else.” Magnus said, but this time it didn’t seem like he was gearing up to reveal something else major about his forgotten life. “More like promise you, perhaps. I know there were lots of demons coming after you back in California. You’re completely safe in this loft. I have magical protections around this building that will keep any demon from getting through, it’s never happened and I swear to you it never will. You don’t need to be afraid.”

Alec wasn’t sure if Magnus knew how much that promise meant to him although there was something in the warlock’s eyes that said he absolutely did. Being hunted like that, always having to be on guard in case something attacked, being hurt again and again by these things that just kept coming… that had been terrifying in ways that he wasn’t sure he could ever let go of.

If Magnus could promise him a safe haven, he would take it. It was almost frightening to him how quickly he was trusting and relying on this man. It made him feel a little… _worried?_ Maybe worried. He wasn’t sure. He _wanted_ to trust Magnus but all the pain he had been through had taught him not to be so trusting. There was something about Magnus though, something Alec couldn’t explain. Everything about him spoke to his sincerity.

“Thank you,” Alec said softly.

He could see the question in Magnus’ eyes. He wanted Alec to talk about what had happened, about the wounds that he had gotten and everything that lead up to them.

He wasn’t sure he wanted to have that discussion. Explaining seemed awful, having to relive those moments…

A flash of light in the mirror caught his eye and he watched a golden circle come into being. “Someone is coming.” His heart started to pound.

Magnus glanced at the mirror and nodded, “Clary can make portals. She’s got some… unique skills. I’m going to go meet them. I want you to shout for me if you need me or if you start feeling unwell, okay?”

Alec mumbled something that might have been a promise but his attention wasn’t on Magnus in that second. It was on the circle in the mirror.

A redheaded girl came through first. She must have been Clary.

Then came Jace and in just a few seconds, Isabelle followed.

The second Isabelle was beside Jace, her hand went to his elbow so she could steer him forward as though he wouldn’t really move on his own.

Alec’s eyes eagerly took in the two of them, this brother and sister he hadn’t known he had. They looked like they had in the picture but also _not._

The difference was more striking on Jace. He looked pale, his eyes bloodshot and his expression just _nothing._ His hair hung in his face instead of being swept back like before and his eyes didn’t seem to be connecting with anything at all. It was sort of like he wasn’t there in the ways that really counted.

Alec didn’t know what to think. He didn’t know these people well enough to say anything about them… but this was not the Jace from the picture. This was not the golden and strong brother Magnus had shown him.

It was hard to pull his eyes from Jace. There was something about him that seemed… that seemed… he didn’t know how to describe it, even in his own head.

Magnus came into frame then, giving Clary a kiss on the cheek before he went to Jace to reach for his hand. Jace didn’t so much give it to him as let him take it into his own. Magnus said something quietly, too quiet for Alec to make out.

“Of course, Magnus.” Isabelle said with a smile that rang false even to Alec. She looked exhausted. Her whole body seemed tense and wound tight, but her eyes kept darting back to Jace and she didn’t take her hand from his arm.

_She’s guarding him_.

Guarding him from himself, Alec realized in a slow, heartbreaking moment as he pieced all the little clues together.

He didn’t _know_ these people, it didn’t make sense why that made him want to cry.

“Let’s sit down,” Magnus let go of Jace’s hand to gesture towards the couches. He walked backwards a few steps, like he was looking to see if Isabelle would need any help getting Jace over there.

She nudged Jace forward and Clary smiled at him as he came over and sat down almost mechanically. Clary sat down next to him and he saw the way Isabelle hesitated in choosing her own seat. Next to Magnus? On Jace’s other side, leaving Magnus alone? Eventually, she perched at the end of a coffee table halfway between Jace and Magnus both.

For a moment, none of them spoke. The silence seemed awkward, like they were all unsure around each other even though Alec knew they weren’t.

Then, Magnus started speaking, even and quiet, “I know the moment you understand what I’m trying to tell you, you’re going to run off before I finish. So I’ll start with the answers… deruned with a memory wipe.”

Clary’s fingers went white around Jace’s hand and her eyes went wide.

Jace himself gave no reaction.

Isabelle’s gasp sliced through the silence and her voice wavered as she said, “Magnus…?”

For a moment, Magnus could only smile at her. The subdued exterior seemed to melt away and his smile went brighter than the sun. “I got a call from a friend in California. She insisted on speaking with me, although Cat tried to tell her that I couldn’t help. She begged Cat to listen. She said there had been a sudden uptick in demonic activity in one specific area of San Francisco that had been baffling the local Shadowhunters _and_ the warlocks. They thought someone was summoning them for some nefarious reason and their Institute was putting pressure on the warlock community to out whoever among them was calling forth all of these demons. There wasn’t anyone summoning them though, at least not on purpose.”

Isabelle was shaking, “By the Angel, Magnus, please…”

“Cat went to make sure herself, she didn’t tell me anything. She came back and dragged me through a portal and pointed straight at him and I fell to my knees, thanking any Angel that would…”

Jace’s head snapped up, his eyes locking on Magnus’ as he seemed to come alive for the first time.

They all froze, like this was some sort of minor miracle. Magnus stopped talking and he seemed to be waiting for Jace to ask the question.

Except he didn’t.

He stood so abruptly Alec flinched even though he wasn’t in the same room as them.

Jace just stared at Magnus and his chest was heaving he was breathing so hard. Except he hadn’t said anything and he had barely moved. It was as though he was screaming within himself and they just couldn’t hear it.

“Where is he?”

Jace’s voice was a low growl, as though it had gone gravelly with disuse.

He didn’t wait for Magnus to answer. Seconds after he asked his question, he staggered past Izzy and Clary’s reaching hands and went off to the side where the mirror didn’t track.

“Jace…” Magnus said as he stood up.

Jace didn’t stop and Alec didn’t know that because he saw Jace go back into frame in the mirror.

He knew because the door in front of him opened and Jace stood before him staring.

There was something so different about seeing him in person. Not in a picture, not through a magic mirror, actually truly in front of him.

They stared at each other.

_Parabatai_.

Magnus’ words, his explanation about the bond between the two of them, echoed in his ears.

_You had a piece of Jace’s soul and he had a piece of yours. Losing a parabatai is considered the most pain a Shadowhunter can feel._

_Oh,_ Alec realized.

“I couldn’t figure it out,” Alec said quietly as Magnus, Isabelle and Clary came up behind Jace. “When I woke up, I understood why my skin hurt – because of the scars. And I understood what why hunger hurt or why injuries hurt. But there’s this ripped _thing_ inside of me, some ragged hole that I couldn’t figure out. I don’t know what it is or why it hurts so much.”

He couldn’t look away from Jace’s eyes.

“But… it’s _you_ , isn’t it?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think about the return of Jace, Izzy and Clary! :)


	11. Chapter Eleven

* * *

**Chapter Eleven**

* * *

Alec waited for this brother who had held part of his soul to _say_ _something_ to him.

The silence that dragged between them seemed like an eternity. Even the three behind Jace seemed unwilling to break it.

There were tears coming out of Jace’s eyes. Alec didn’t know what else to say, didn’t know how to talk to these people. It still seemed so strange that they were his siblings. That a stunning man like Magnus said that he loved him. That anybody cared after having nobody at all for so long. He had been treated like the scum under most people’s shoes and yet they all looked at him like he was so much more.

Magnus had promised that they wouldn’t hate him. That they would be happy and they would love him. But what if he was too different? What if they could see that he wasn’t the same?

When Jace finally opened his mouth, Alec braced himself.

“Izzy?” Jace said softly. He called her name but he didn’t take his eyes off of Alec to look at her.

Isabelle stepped forward and put her hand on Jace’s arm. Her answer was silent and her eyes were just as locked on Alec as Jace’ were.

“He’s… he’s real, right? This is real? You see him? I’m not… I haven’t…?” Jace almost sounded afraid of her answer.

A wavering laugh burst out from Izzy, “He’s real Jace. You’re not crazy. It’s Alec.”

Jace took a step towards him and Alec had to fight every instinct to keep from tensing up. This guy, his _brother_ , seemed like he might have fallen into a million pieces if Alec rejected him. He didn’t want to do that, not at all. At the same time though, most people he had encountered so far weren’t nice and he was so, _so_ tired of being hurt.

As soon as Jace got closer, he moved faster. The hesitation melted away until he dropped down onto the bed at Alec’s side and leaned in, pressing his forehead to Alec’s and mumbling something that took Alec a few seconds to make out.

“ _I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry…”_

Every second that he spent near these people, it got more and more obvious that he hadn’t been _left behind_.

He had been _stolen away_.

Jace slowly pulled back and just _stared_. He had touched Alec, he had gotten his sister to tell him that this was real, and yet there was still something in him that didn’t believe it. His eyes searched Alec and his hand trembled as he hovered it over Alec’s cheek, too afraid to touch again but utterly incapable of pulling away. His eyes welled with even more tears.

“You’re… you’re here?” Jace whispered to Alec as though he still didn’t understand.

“I’m here.” Alec answered quietly. It was only sort of true but Jace was staring at him like he was only seconds from breaking down into sobs. Alec wanted to comfort him even though he didn’t know how. “It is you, right? The… I don’t know how to explain it. The tear inside? Is it like that for you too?”

Jace froze, his breathing hitching as his hand finally closed the gap to Alec’s cheek. The touch was so light, it was as though Jace thought if he pressed to hard Alec would start to crumble to the ground like sand or something. Like a dream that he might ruin if he touched it to prove any truthfulness.

“I’m sorry.” Jace said instead of answering. Or maybe those words _were_ the answer.

Isabelle stepped closer to the two of them. It was hard to take his eyes away from Jace but he wanted to see her too. The girl who had looked up at him beaming in the picture. The girl that looked sort of like Angelica, he realized. Was that why he’d been able to speak to her like a semi-normal person when so many other people had scared him? Did some part of his memory match Angelica’s dark red lips and raven hair with his sister’s?

She walked up to him with her hands wringing together like she didn’t know what to do with them. Instead of the blank face and screaming emotion of Jace, she was grinning so wide it looked like her face might start aching. There were tears from her too but with her smile so bright, Alec didn’t have to wonder so hard what her feelings were.

“I’ve missed you, big brother.” Isabelle was almost dancing in place beside Jace, like he didn’t know what to do or how to stop herself from pulling him into her arms. She reached out and brushed some of his hair back from his face so, so carefully.

“Hi,” He said because everything else sounded silly. _I don’t know you but I missed you too? I missed the idea of you?_

His single word was apparently enough because Isabelle just laughed.

First Magnus and now her. This was a lot of making people laugh.

This was a lot of human interaction in general.

Magnus stepped in and Alec would be eternally grateful. “Why don’t we sit?”

Isabelle plopped down onto Magnus’ chair. Clary went to sit on a vanity bench and when Alec glanced her way, she waved at him but otherwise said nothing which was a relief. If he had some huge relationship with her too, he might have needed to hide himself away in Magnus’ bathroom for a breather.

Magnus came around and sat cross legged on the bed close enough to Alec to touch him if he wanted, but only if he reached for it. There was enough room, even with Jace being so close, that if he wanted to he could get away.

Not that he _would_ , because his ankle was better but not fixed and he could feel it, but just that he could if he needed to made a little bit of the nervous energy bleed out.

Jace’s hand dropped to Alec’s side and he could feel his brother’s fingertips pressing against his leg as though he needed continuous reassurance that Alec was physically there.

“Like I said, you all rushed off before I could really explain anything.” Magnus started to continue but Jace cut him off.

“Deruned and a memory wipe, that’s what you said.” His voice was hard and flat but there was something in it that made Alec want to flinch away.

Magnus nodded slowly, “You lot will have to fill in the gaps about deruning, I’m not well versed.”

Jace’s eyes traced along the scar on Alec’s neck and Alec fidgeted under his scrutiny. His jaw was clenched and he looked like he was about to fly off into a violent rage.

“It doesn’t have to leave scars, I can tell you _that_.” Isabelle said with a tight voice. “Whoever did this did it sloppy. They wanted him to hurt.”

Then good job to them because he _did_.

“I didn’t realize they were painful until he woke up and told me.” Magnus said quietly. His eyes met Alec’s, “I’ll start working on something to make them hurt less, all right?”

“Thank you,” Alec answered. Nothing he had tried had managed it but he wasn’t magic so he imagined Magnus knew what he was doing a lot better. After all, his side ached way less and that had been _awful_.

“As for the memory wipe, it’s got to be magical in nature but we’re going to have to wait until he’s recovered more to try to do anything.” Magnus said before shooting a look at Izzy when she opened her mouth. Clearly, he didn’t want to have that argument again.

If Jace noticed, he didn’t let on.

“You said…” Isabelle hesitated before turning her eyes to Alec instead of asking Magnus like he wasn’t there. He appreciated it even though everyone looking at him was making his skin prickle a little, “You were in California?”

“Yes,” He answered her. That, at least, was easy enough of a question.

“San Francisco.” Magnus added.

The question – _how did he get there?_ – was clear in Isabelle’s eyes.

Alec shrugged before freezing when the motion lit up the dormant pain from his various injuries. He had barely moved and hadn’t made a noise when the pain dialed back up but the four of them noticed anyway. When three sets of hands reached for him, he flinched and jerked back against the headboard.

“Sorry,” He said when their faces fell. He pulled in a breath to try to manage the pain. It wasn’t nearly as bad as before but he regretted the movement all the same, “Sorry.”

The rage on Jace’s face went even darker and Alec couldn’t help but look away.

Isabelle was frozen halfway standing in her seat. When he glanced her way, she smiled sweetly and sat back down, her hands out in a placating sort of way. She turned them palms up as if to prove that she wasn’t going to touch him.

“Can you tell us anything about where you were?” She asked, instead of asking him if he was in pain or anything like that.

He appreciated it more than he could say but the idea of talking it all through made his stomach twist, sour and upset. Reliving all of that, of explaining everything to them, sound like punishment.

These people were warriors and magical warlocks. How could he tell them how afraid he had been of those monsters – _demons_? How could he tell them how afraid he was of just _people_? What if hearing about all the nasty things that had been sneered at him made them want him less? What if hearing about what Ricky had said to him made Magnus think he was dirty or wrong?

“Alec?” Magnus leaned in just a little closer.

Alec turned to look at him and saw the unconcealed worry in his warm eyes. “I’m okay.” He said, even though he kind of obviously wasn’t. Before Magnus or his siblings could say anything to that, he decided that probably the least awful thing to talk about would be that first day waking up in the apartment. His skin had hurt. He had been confused. Those things they already knew.

“I woke up in the apartment Eva found me in.” Alec offered up quietly, “No one else was there.”

Isabelle nodded encouragingly, “What was in the apartment with you?”

“Nothing,” He answered, “An old box of crackers in the back of a cabinet and a take out menu that had San Francisco on it, so I knew where I was. The clothes I was wearing, nothing in my pockets.”

“They didn’t give you anything? No supplies, nothing?” Clary asked as though that were surprising to her.

Isabelle and Jace, even Magnus, looked a lot less surprised. They just seemed angry.

“No.” He answered. He definitely, _definitely_ , wasn’t going to tell them about that bag of food he’d gotten from Angelica early on and how excited and warm he had felt to have all those supplies. The plastic cutlery and the soap and the packets of seasonings.

There were so many _things_ in this home of Magnus’. What would he think if Alec said he had been so grateful he had nearly been in tears over paper napkins?

The memory of his supplies made him remember his backpack with a jolt.

“What’s wrong?” Jace asked quickly.

“My backpack,” Alec said to Magnus. “I had a…”

“I have it,” Magnus promised softly and Alec felt a rush of relief so strong he slumped against the pillows. “It’s just in the living room. Do you want me to get it for you?”

“It’s okay.” Alec said. As long as Magnus hadn’t left it behind, then just in another room was all right. His stomach twisted again at the thought of not having it by his side but he also didn’t want them to think he was being a child or something. 

The little furrow between Magnus’ brows didn’t smooth out, “Are you sure? Remember what I said, if you’re hungry then all you have to do is tell me and I’ll get you something to eat.”

That answered the question of whether Magnus had looked inside of it, at least. Alec didn’t mind, really. There was only food, clothes and a few toiletries and medical supplies in it. Nothing really interesting, especially to a warlock.

“It’s okay.” Alec said again.

There was a long pause.

Magnus didn’t look reassured and Isabelle looked like she really, really wanted to pull him into a hug.

“Okay,” Clary said to break the silence, “So you woke up in an abandoned apartment with pretty much nothing in it. So we don’t get any clues there. What were you wearing?”

“He still has the clothes that he put on that morning.” Magnus revealed and it was a little weird hearing that something had gone through the transition between lives with him like that. It was especially weird that Magnus could say that so confidently. His outfit had been black and basic. Magnus knew his clothes well enough to say with certainty that they were the same? “Same boots too.”

“Which probably means that whoever did this had a plan in place and set things up in advance.” Isabelle concluded.

What that did for them, he wasn’t sure. Maybe they were just happy to be putting any clues together.

Alec would have been happy to let them do it, except to put clues together he had to keep talking. Talking sounded just about as bad as moving did, although he was getting a kind of stuffy under the blankets so he wouldn’t have minded moving to a cooler spot.

Or maybe he just wasn’t used to blankets or being really warm. That was a possibility too.

“Did anyone ever come to the apartment? Maybe a realtor to show it or something?” Clary asked.

“I don’t think so.”

Isabelle frowned, “I don’t know lots about San Francisco but don’t they have a lot of people? Expensive housing? Is it weird that there was an abandoned apartment that no one went into for weeks?”

“He wasn’t in a particularly nice area.” Magnus answered for him. “There’s definitely a housing crisis in San Francisco though, leaning towards the affordable housing side rather than a crisis of availability, although that too. I would say that it was odd that the apartment would stay empty for so long.”

“That’s good though, right?” Clary looked around at each of them in turn, “I mean, either whoever did this somehow picked an apartment that nobody wanted or there’s more to it.”

Alec had never really put much thought into the apartment being “empty” for so long. There were definitely people in the other units. He had heard them plenty during his time there. So why was his apartment never taken from him?

“The…” He started to talk before he realized that his addition might be stupid. Magnus smiled at him encouragingly. “The water was always running. It didn’t get turned off. Electricity either.”

And that was another thing he hadn’t ever really put much thought into. The second building he had hidden in hadn’t had either, though, so it wasn’t like empty places usually got their utilities paid.

“Even if the person who lived there moved out the day before Alec arrived and they had paid the water and electricity bills through the end of the month, it would have been shut off last week.” Isabelle said. “I mean, I don’t pay any bills but that’s how it works, right?”

She looked at Magnus when she said it before seemingly thinking better of it and turning to Clary instead.

Clary nodded, “Even if there was a credit on the account, whoever left would get it refunded or applied to their new place. There’s no reason to do otherwise. I could maybe believe that water is included in rent and that because the rest of the building was occupied the water was still on even in empty units but electricity would be a stretch.”

This was all a great revelation, boring as it technically was, but Alec found himself blinking slowly through another wave of exhaustion that was getting harder and harder to ignore.

For all that he wanted to sleep, he also wasn’t nearly comfortable enough to do it anymore. It didn’t make any sense. He felt sort of ungrateful even, that he could be uncomfortable in a bed as nice as Magnus’. He was too hot and his side was starting to throb again even though he was so carefully staying still.

Should he mention it to Magnus?

On the one hand, Magnus had asked him to. _I want you to shout for me if you need me or if you start feeling unwell, okay?_ On the other hand, Alec didn’t want to be annoying. He also didn’t want to complain. He _did_ feel so much better. Magnus had put a lot of effort into healing him as far as he had.

“Alec?”

With an embarrassed flush, Alec realized that they had kept talking around him and he hadn’t listened. Jace had noticed first but that wasn’t surprising. They were all paying him a lot of attention, an uncomfortable amount of attention even, and Jace’ was most intense out of them all.

“Are you all right, darling?” Magnus was still sitting in the same place but he was leaning in closer with his hands tense as though he was having a hard time keeping himself from touching.

“I’m okay.” Alec promised because he _was_. A little throbbing wasn’t a big deal. Being tired was kind of his default too; he could power through it no problem. He wasn’t going to make this kind man feel annoyed with how needy he was, he _wasn’t._

Magnus hesitated a little, “Are you sure, Alec? Because I wouldn’t be cross if you weren’t feeling as good as you were a couple of hours ago. I gave you a lot of poti… medicine. It could be wearing off and if it were, I could give you more.”

What was worse? Being annoying or lying?

“How does your ankle feel?” Magnus asked while Alec laid there like a panicked idiot trying to figure out what to say.

That was easier, thankfully, “The same.” Which was pretty much true. Every inch of him was kind of overheated but that wasn’t _pain_ per se.

Magnus smiled, “I’m glad. How about your side?”

His siblings were watching this exchange like a hawk. Isabelle had discretely reached out for Jace’s hand and it was probably some silent way to tell him to shut up. Alec was grateful for it because it made it easier to say, “It’s, um, it’s kind of throbbing more again?”

Magnus’ smile didn’t change and Alec felt himself relax when he realized he wasn’t upsetting this kind man. “The infection was quite bad, I haven’t managed to clear it all yet but we’re getting there.” He snapped his fingers and Alec for a second thought that he might be giving him more food. His stomach wasn’t really up for it but he wouldn’t be upset if there were a few bites of something pushed onto him. Instead of food, a little bottle appeared in each of his hands. One looked like water and the other was a deep blue with bubbles along the sides of the glass as though it were soda.

Magnus uncorked the clear one first and offered it out to him, “For your fever.” He said and instantly Alec felt like an idiot. Of course he was getting hotter because his fever was still there. Gratefully, he took the bottle and sniffed it hesitantly. It smelled like water too, so he downed in one go. It tasted more like berries than he had been expecting, but that wasn’t a bad thing.

The second he swallowed, the bottle blinked out of existence and he flinched as his hand closed around nothing. It was one thing seeing it happen, like with the food moving by itself, and it was another thing to have it happen to something he was holding.

Magnus froze for a second and Alec knew he was debating whether to apologize or not. Instead of making a big deal out of it, he just held his hand out for the other bottle.

Magnus hesitated, “This one isn’t going to taste as nice.”

He was saying that to a man who had eaten food out of trash cans. Not all of that had tasted nice. Alec had eaten things covered in other things, eaten things nearly rancid – whatever he had to do to survive.

This little bottle of blue, fizzing liquid that Magnus was handing him couldn’t have been worse than some of those things he had shamefully pulled from trashcans when no one was looking. Though Magnus didn’t know where his thoughts were taking him, Alec still felt himself flush with that same shame again.

He took the bottle without a word and pulled the cork out himself this time. He didn’t smell it or even hesitate, he just knocked the whole thing back in one gulp.

It was sour and bitter and it was definitely not the worst taste he had ever had in his mouth.

Almost instantly, his head felt like it got filled with helium and the room swirled for a few breathless seconds, “Whoa,” He said without meaning to.

“It’ll settle in a moment.” Magnus promised, “I’m sorry, darling, I should have warned you.”

“It’s okay,” Alec said, even as Jace turned into a golden blur in front of him. He blinked rapidly for a second, waiting for the image in front of him to clear.

Jace, when Alec could see him properly, looked like he was screaming inside again. “Are you okay?”

Jace didn’t say anything. He didn’t seem capable.

“We’re all okay.” Isabelle said, stepping in for their brother who didn’t seem as happy as Magnus said he would be. And Alec knew he was, but it was still hard to read what was on his face versus what Alec had seen so far.

“I think,” Magnus said delicately, “That we should let you get some more sleep.” And he stood up, moving away from Alec in a way that made him feel strangely abandoned. Then Magnus took a step closer to the bed again and leaned in, stroking his hair back again like before, “We’re just going into the living room. I’ll keep checking on you and I won’t be far, I promise you.”

The fluttery feeling inside eased off a little.

Clary stood second, smiling widely at Alec even as she gently pulled Jace up from his seat, “We’re not going far, you heard Magnus,” She said softly to him.

Jace stood as though he was a statue come to life and wasn’t yet capable of smooth, easy movements.

Alec didn’t know what to say to him. He wasn’t even sure what Jace’s issue was. It couldn’t be that he didn’t want to leave the room, right? Magnus said they weren’t really leaving, so Jace didn’t have to actually go away.

Did he want to stay with Alec while he was in bed? Why?

Izzy gave him a bright smile, even as she discretely reached for Jace. “Let us know if you need anything, okay? Literally anything, Alec.”

He didn’t dare nod, not willing to add his scar pain into the mess he was feeling, but he tried to give her a smile back. It probably looked a little strained or weird but Izzy just beamed at him harder and tugged Jace a few steps back with her.

“He needs to rest, Jace, okay? He’s not going anywhere. Let’s go talk to Magnus.” She said so softly Alec was sure he wasn’t meant to hear it.

Jace let himself be pulled away but that internal scream echoed out from his eyes. Alec felt something inside of him tense with each step Jace took away from him but when the door closed and nothing bad happened, the feeling subsided a little.

Alec breathed out deeply and tried to relax.

These people cared about him. Or rather, they cared about who he had been before. Could he trust them even though he wasn’t really the person they had loved?

He was exhausted, even after all the sleeping he had already done. Some of that was that second bottle Magnus had given him but a lot of it was just him.

Even though his whole body seemed like it was begging him to just check out again, Alec was too nervous to let go and fall asleep.

The weird mesh of feeling the most comfortable he had ever been before while also feeling somehow more vulnerable made his heart pound in his chest. Magnus said he was safe, that no demons would get inside this place and hurt him.

But people were monsters too.

Even warlocks and Shadowhunters.

He wanted to trust them because he wanted someone who loved him. Their eyes said they did. Magnus had been nothing but generous and kind to him. Isabelle seemed to respect his space while still making it clear that she cared deeply. Clary beamed at him like the sun. And Jace looked at him like he was the missing piece to his sanity.

He wasn’t that person, though. The love and kindness he was receiving wasn’t for _him_.

Could he be that person again? Maybe, maybe not.

Did he want to be?

_Yes_ , definitely yes.

Muffled voices caught his attention and for a second he stared at the door, nervous that it might open and he would be surrounded again. When it didn’t, he realized the voices weren’t coming from in front of him. Instead, they were coming from beside him.

_The mirror!_

He grabbed it quickly; he had completely forgotten about the spell Magnus had put on the mirror.

Three of them, Isabelle, Clary and Magnus, were sitting around on the couches while Jace stood between Isabelle and Clary sort of swaying in place.

“Tell us.” Izzy demanded of Magnus.

Alec wasn’t sure what she meant, but Magnus did.

“Obviously, you can see the weight loss and malnutrition that goes along with it.” Magnus said and with a jolt Alec realized he was telling them what was wrong with him. Honestly, he was a little interested to hear the rundown himself.

Izzy nodded seriously, “It’s kind of crazy how much weight he’s lost.”

“He said something to me about how demons kept going after him. I think he’s had a very active time, trying to fight for his life. Not to mention all the energy his body had to use up trying to heal himself.” Magnus said.

And it was true, except for when he had been cowering inside, hiding and afraid.

“He’s only mildly dehydrated, which is great. I know we have to figure out how he had access to an abandoned apartment that just so happened to have clean running water, but I’m so incredibly grateful for it.” Magnus sighed shakily. “He’s fractured a few bones in his ankle and foot. I’m not sure how. There’s a lot of swelling. Some of it had started to heal wrong, so I had to start from scratch. It will take a while to really heal it completely but I think I can get it back to where it was before this. It’s important that he stays off it as much as possible.”

“Okay,” Clary said encouragingly, “We can handle that.”

“He had a lot of cuts and bruises that Cat and I have managed to heal.” Magnus’s face fell a little, “There’s a wound in his side, though… it’s been a long, long time since I’ve seen an infection so bad. It honestly reminded me of the types of infected wounds on mundane soldiers left to die on battlefields. He has medical supplies in his backpack, he was obviously trying to deal with it, but it was far too widespread for over the counter mundane medication.”

“You healed him?” Jace almost growled at Magnus.

Magnus shrugged his shoulders a little helplessly, “As far as we could for now. I’ll keep working on it. The infection had spread into his blood. It’s not something that can be fixed quickly, it will take multiple treatments to heal him completely. If… if we hadn’t found him when we did…” His voice broke as he looked away towards balcony doors.

They were silent for a moment.

Then Jace turned and made as if to come back to Alec’s side before Izzy caught his hand, “Let him rest Jace.”

“He can rest with me there.”

Clary stood up and wrapped her arms around Jace, even though it must have been like hugging a piece of metal. “He doesn’t remember us, like Magnus said. He’s nervous still, give him time okay?”

The idea that Alec might not rest easy with Jace at his side seemed to gut the blonde. Finally, he sagged in Clary’s hold. He didn’t say anything else, but the devastation on his face said enough.

“Magnus, can you explain about his memories?” Clary asked as she gently tugged Jace back to sit with her on the couch.

Alec’s tired mind perked up hearing that. It was getting harder and harder to ignore the pull of sleep, but he couldn’t help but want to hear more about _that_. Magnus had explained it to him a little but he would probably explain it better to them. Judging by the hungry looks on his siblings’ faces, they wouldn’t let him do anything but.

“Without knowing what kind of spell was used to remove them, I can’t give you much information.” Magnus said regretfully, “We are lucky in that there are few warlocks who are as well-versed in memory magic as I am. Those that _are_ at that level are friends of mine. I can’t say I believe any of them would have worked on Alec, even if they had taken the job from whoever, they would have known that he’s mine.”

“You’ve introduced him to them?” Izzy asked, “They would know him on sight?”

Magnus’ hand went to fiddle with an earring, “Not quite, no. Our relationship is rather unique. A Shadowhunter and a warlock, I mean. It’s sort of hot gossip, I can’t imagine there are many who haven’t heard about it. I bring him to warlock parties with me, so by now I’m sure there have been dozens of pictures or memories of the two of us passed around for proof or something. That’s actually how the warlock who found him, Eva, knew him at all. She had been eager to meet him when the three of us were at a party a few months ago.” He explained, “The warlocks who I speak of, the ones who specialize in mind magic, have either met him or mentioned it to me in passing. I’m certain they haven’t done this, but I will ask to confirm.”

“What does it mean then, if this wasn’t some huge memory spell expert?” Clary asked.

Magnus tilted his head in consideration, “To entirely remove memories is difficult. That would be expert level memory spells. To do what I did with your memories,” He nodded to Clary, “Is not small or simple. That kind of situation is unlikely. There are so many ways to steal memories. There’s also a good chance that his memories are behind a block in his mind.”

“Great!” Izzy said happily, “So you just tear down the block.”

The warlock’s face didn’t mirror Izzy’s happiness, “It’s not quite that easy.”

“Why?” Jace asked.

Magnus hesitated, “Manipulating the mind like that can be painful, for one thing. To withstand that pain and the stress it will put his body under, he’ll have to be stronger. More recovered. Depending on the strength of the block, it could be something that takes multiple tries, tearing down the wall bit by bit. That’s a lot of pain to put him through.”

They were all silent for a moment.

Then, Izzy nodded in determination and Alec realized he had been paying more attention to Jace and hadn’t seen whatever expression on her face was there before. “It’ll take time to get him to that point. We’re just going to have to keep him as calm as possible while we wait for him to heal up. He doesn’t trust us and he’s definitely wary about touch. We have to be really respectful of that.”

Her determination was sweet, that she was so worried about making him comfortable and helping him to trust them. Alec bit his lip, he wasn’t sure what he had expected of this sister of his but this…

This was exactly what he needed.

Izzy’s determined expression bled away for a second before a huge, relieved smile blossomed. She laughed and that laugh was filled with such joy that Alec couldn’t help the soft laugh that bubbled up in him in response.

Magnus seemed as powerless as Alec and he smiled so widely he nearly looked like a new person.

Beside Clary, Jace tilted his head back and shut his eyes, his lips moving and saying something too hushed for Alec to hear. Who he was saying it to, Alec wasn’t sure. When he opened his eyes, there were tears gathering.

There was a flush on his cheeks that hadn’t been there when he had come through the portal. A brightness that made him seem closer to the Jace in the picture.

They were _happy_.

Their radiant faces were the last thing he saw before he fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your kind words for the last chapter!! I can't wait to hear what everyone thinks about the Lightwood siblings reunion!


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the comments and kudos for the last chapter!!!

* * *

**Chapter Twelve**

* * *

_“Alexander, can you wake up and eat a little for me?”_

It took him a long time to understand that the words were directed towards him. Then longer to realize what the question was. By the time he did, the person asking was gently stroking his cheek and that felt so good he drifted back down.

**\---**

_The front door exploded._

_“No, no, no… please…”_

_He could hear the demon’s claws, sharp and ready to rip into him, coming closer. Closer, closer. Looking for him. Looking for his blood._

_It was so dark. Could it see him? Could it smell him? It was going to kill him. Kill him like that girl in the alley._

_He was hurting. Every time he tried to stand, his legs buckled._

_Get up. Get up before you die._

_It growled._

_He huddled against the wall even though he knew it wouldn’t save him._

_The wall exploded out, sharp shards cutting his skin and pinning him down. The glowing eyes of the demon stared at him. Its jaws were open, ready to rip into him…_

_He screamed._

“Alec!”

_It pounced, leaping straight for his neck._

“Alec, wake up!”

His eyes snapped open as another scream ripped out of him so violently his throat ached.

Hands reached for him and he threw himself back again, even though the pressure against his ankle sent a lance of pain up his leg so sharp it took his breath away.

“Alec, darling, you’re safe. I promise you’re safe.”

The words didn’t make sense. The room around him didn’t make sense. Nothing made sense except the pain and the terror. Those he was used to. Someone speaking softly to him was so different to his entire existence it felt like a dream. His eyes frantically searched for an open door and when he found it he realized he couldn’t run yet, not without his backpack. Not without all the things he needed to try to live. “My… my…”

“Shh, Alec, you’re safe. Nothing is going to hurt you.”

“Where…” He couldn’t speak. He could barely breathe.

“This?” The quiet voice asked and a near silent snap later his backpack was right in front of him.

He snatched it up and wrapped the strap around his wrist, pulling it tight enough to hurt.

“You’re all right, darling. Breathe. There are no monsters. Nothing will hurt you here.”

He pulled in a shuddering breath and let it out again too quickly. Everything hurt. Moving so much was making all the little points of pain across his body _scream_ at him.

A man was kneeling on the edge of the bed. “Take a deep breath, love, you’re all right. You’re safe.”

He stared at him, trying to… trying to…

_Magnus_.

_He’s Magnus and you’re Alec._

The names floated up from the back of his panicked mind. Alec shut his mouth and tried to pull a deeper breath in through his nose.

“That’s it, just breathe.” Magnus encouraged steadily. His eyes were locked on Alec and though the attention made him want to hide, they were so kind and loving that it only soothed his shattered nerves.

“Magnus?” Alec said, although what he was asking for he wasn’t sure.

Magnus smiled and his eyes flashed in the low light, “I’m here. You’re safe. It was just a nightmare, Alec. I promise you, there aren’t any demons here.”

_A nightmare_.

His eyes scrambled around the room, too fast to take in any real information, but when nothing leapt out at him from the dim corners, he managed to go back around more slowly and really _look_. This wasn’t San Francisco. This wasn’t his empty little apartment.

All at once, it was like the strings holding him up were cut. He shrank down into an exhausted slump against the headboard. His side _burned._

“Can I come closer?” Magnus asked permission even though he looked like his whole body physically ached being on the other side of the bed from him.

Every inch of him felt sort of prickly, like if someone said the wrong thing or sneered at him or touched him too roughly he might break apart. He didn’t have the strength to pretend at being untouchable.

He didn’t know how to say that. To tell Magnus that if he wasn’t gentle enough he would ruin him.

Except Magnus’ eyes said that he understood.

When Alec met his gaze, he could see just how clearly Magnus saw him. It was disconcerting, how easily this man he didn’t know could read him, how deeply he was _seen_.

_Trust me, I would light myself on fire before I would hurt you_ , his eyes said.

Slowly, Alec nodded.

Magnus didn’t move quickly just because he had been given permission. He inched forward, reaching out and untangling the blankets wrapped around his legs from where he had dragged them halfway across the bed.

Once Alec’s ankle was uncovered, Magnus reached out for it with hands lit in blue. Something soft and cooling wrapped around the swollen limb, easing down the ache that had dialed up when he had thrown himself back.

He sighed, his eyes flickering shut at the relief from pain Magnus was giving him.

“Don’t sleep yet, darling.” Magnus said quickly though his voice was still hushed. “Please, I have dinner for you.”

The gnawing ache in his stomach demanded he open his eyes.

Magnus smiled again and waved his hand. Another tray of food appeared in his lap, even though his position was a little strange and he had his backpack pressed tightly to his unhurt side. This time it was a whole plate of different things cut into little pieces he could grab with his fingers. He didn’t think he was awake enough to manage utensils, so the little hunks of bread and cheese and fruits looked good.

Another demanding pang came from his stomach and he eagerly if sleepily grabbed for some bread.

While he did that, Magnus snapped his fingers again and a little mound of wrappings appeared beside him. He picked one end up and started working it around his ankle. “Tell me if this is too tight, Alec.”

It wasn’t. The pressure even made it feel better.

“Do you want to talk about your dream?” Magnus asked softly

He didn’t want to talk about it at all but he also didn’t want to say no to Magnus. Instead, he took another bite of some apple and kept his eyes down.

“That’s all right. We don’t have to talk about it. If you ever change your mind, you can talk to me about anything, okay? Anything at all.” Magnus continued wrapping his ankle and foot, stabilizing the stressed joint.

Alec wasn’t sure if that was true. And even if it was, could he really put into words all the panicked thoughts in his head?

He wanted to trust these people. He wanted them to truly care about him. He wanted this place to be safe.

Could he though? Could he really?

They had proof that they knew him. Pictures and history and emotion in their eyes… but what if something else was going on that he didn’t understand?

“Alec?” Magnus asked worriedly. “Are you full?”

He realized he’d stopped eating.

It sort of felt like he was still in the dream, still under attack and freaked out and just _off_. The few bites he had eaten felt like lead in his stomach. It felt so ungrateful to pass this food up but at the same time he thought he might be sick if he kept going.

With an aching sense of caution, Magnus reached out and pressed a cool hand to his forehead. He was checking for a fever, Alec realized too slowly. Instead of flinching back again, he almost wanted to press himself closer but that impulse felt so at odds with how he felt otherwise that the dueling nature of both needs made him want to cry.

“That was quite the dream, wasn’t it?” Magnus almost crooned the words to him. He waved his hand off to the side and soft music started playing. “Lay back down, darling boy. Everything is okay.”

Sliding back down under the covers caused the tears that had been welling to spill over, sending hot tear tracks of shame down his cheeks. Magnus wiped them away but that didn’t erase that they had been there at all.

The warlock pulled the covers up over him again and sat beside him carding his fingers through his hair at a steady, almost hypnotic pace.

When he fell asleep again, he was still crying.

**\---**

Someone was touching his skin.

He made a soft noise, sort of as though he was asking _what?_ He should open his eyes and look.

The bed was so warm and he was so tired.

“Shh, my love, I’m just checking your wound. Go back to sleep.”

He was already asleep, he was pretty sure.

“Magnus?” Izzy’s voice called quietly.

Footsteps came closer.

“Oh,” She gasped, “Angel, that looks… _angry_.”

“It _is_ angry but if you could have seen it at the start, you would be looking now with different eyes.”

Cool fingertips ghosted over his hot skin.

“It’s burning up.”

“He had a bad night. A dream woke him up and he threw himself back on the bed. I decided to wait until he was back under to look, but he opened it up again.”

“Did he say what the dream was of?” There was something upset in Izzy’s voice that made him sad.

That same magic he had felt before, back at the apartment, blanketed over the wound and made him sigh.

“He wasn’t particularly coherent. He desperately wanted his backpack of supplies, so I summoned it for him. I should have brought it in here right from the start. I think we should leave it where he can see it from now on. I got him to eat a little but he was too out of sorts for much.”

“We’ll try again when he wakes up.”

“He’s not unwilling. For all that he’s still so _Alec_ , there is a major difference in his feelings about food. He was happy and ravenous when I gave him breakfast before I called you. He thought he needed to ration it but he gave me such a sweet smile and said he didn’t think the coffee would last long because he liked it so much. I’ve never been so heartbroken and besotted at the same time in my life.”

The magic pulled away and something soft and wet traced over it. The magic had felt nice. This _didn’t_.

His eyes fluttered open and shut quickly. “ _Hurts_ …”

“I know, darling, I’m so sorry. I just need to clean it, I’ll be quick.”

A small hand stroked his cheek, “Rest, Alec. Magnus is almost done. It’s okay. Go back to sleep. It’s okay. It’s okay.”

Her voice was soft and she spoke slowly, almost like she was singing to him. The stinging in the wound grew worse while she spoke and then it eased off.

“All done. I just need to bandage it now, then we’ll stop poking at you.”

The whisper of a cottony bandage against the wound and his sister’s hand still touching him gently lowered him back down.

He was back under before Magnus finished.

**\---**

When Alec woke up, he was alone.

There were voices carrying from somewhere else in Magnus’ apartment, so he knew he wasn’t _truly_ alone but having the moment to breathe without someone staring at him was welcome.

Just a few days ago, he thought he would have given anything for people who didn’t look at him like he was some disgusting thing under their shoes. Now he had that – he had people who looked at him like he was the most precious thing they had ever seen – and he felt like a fraud at best and pathetic at worse.

The memory of last night, of crying in front of Magnus _again_ , put a hot blush on his cheeks. The warlock had been sweet to him and the thought of losing that was…

The closer he let this warlock into his heart, the more he relied on him, the worse it would be if and when he walked away.

He felt so mixed up. He wanted to trust them, he didn’t want to trust them. He wanted them to love him, he didn’t think they loved him or ever would. He wanted to rely on them, he was afraid to rely on them.

It felt like every move he made and every emotion he had was the wrong choice.

Alec tried to tell himself that what he was doing right now _was_ the right choice. Recover physically. Learn as much as he could. Let someone else use their resources so he could conserve his own.

And maybe they would be proven trustworthy. Maybe they wouldn’t. But either way, he would be light-years better off than he had been before.

There was a glass of water on the bedside table next to him and his throat almost burned he was so thirsty. With a worried look towards the door, he sat himself up a little better. His scars burned with the stretch and his side let out a pang of protest but the water was worth it. Cool and fresh and exactly what he needed.

When he set the glass down, he noticed the drawer in the little table and bit his lip.

Magnus had pretty much said this was where he lived, right? Would they have put him on Magnus’ side of the bed or his own?

With another quick glance at the door, he opened the drawer before he could talk himself out of it.

The contents were pretty boring at first glance. He saw his backpack propped beside him on the pillows and his unzipped the side of it as quiet as he could. He had no use for the phone charger or scraps of paper but a spare pair of socks and a tube of lip balm went inside the bag just in case. He sifted below the papers and found a book that looked like it had been through a lot of rereads. Some pens, some sort of weird length of metal with what looked like a crystal at the tip of it… it was all sort of disappointing.

It wasn’t like he thought he was going to find a folder labeled ‘Everything Alec Lightwood Needs to Know’ or anything like that. A diary would have been a goldmine but did people even really keep diaries anymore?

He grabbed the small stack of papers and saw that they mostly looked like reports or memos or something. Flicking through the pages, he saw his own name come up a few times, so at least he knew that was unlikely to be a lie. It was sort of weird seeing this name that was apparently his printed on paper. He hadn’t ever thought about how _Alec Lightwood_ looked.

Words that he knew like _commendation, regulation, vampires_ and _mission_ swam up from the page and mixed with words he didn’t like _Alicante, Clave_ and _runic_. The combination of all of it together made his head ache as he tried to figure out what he had meant when he had written what looked like a speech.

This Alec knew what he was doing.

This Alec wouldn’t have been half dead alone in San Francisco. He would have been able to fight those demons away or get money.

Again, he was struck with the need to have this back. This knowledge and competence and ease with this world that should have been his but had somehow been stolen away.

He flipped to the next page and immediately the word _Clave_ came out at him again. It was always referred to as _the_ and always capitalized. What was it? This page made just as little sense as the last, especially since the tone was so angry. This wasn’t a speech like before. This seemed more like someone was angry with him.

The voices outside the room got louder. He could clearly hear Magnus saying something.

Alec frantically scanned the rest of the page and saw a signature at the bottom.

_Inquisitor Herondale_

He could hear Magnus’ footsteps.

He shoved the papers back in the drawer and shut it as quickly and quietly as he could. His heart was hammering in his chest as he grabbed the glass again and tried to pretend that he had only just woken and that he was just drinking.

“Alexander,” Magnus said as he came into the room and saw him awake. His smile widened and seemed genuinely pleased. “Have you been awake long?”

Alec watched a little warily as the warlock came around the side of the bed. He was dressed more opulently than he had been ever before, with a shirt made of some shimmery fabric that clung to his torso and a chain around his wrist that connected to one of his many rings. In his hands, he held a little clear pot of something that seemed like greenish gel.

“Not long,” He said after he swallowed. When Magnus sat down on the armchair a couple of feet away, he held the glass out, “Is this okay?”

“It’s just water.” Magnus said before seeming to catch up with the actual meaning of the question, “Of course, Alec. I left it there for you in case you got thirsty.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome,” Then, he held out the bowl, “If you’re up for it, I have a balm I would like to try for your scars.”

Alec perked up, “I’m up for it.” Even if he wasn’t, he would try this eagerly. “What will it do?”

“This is just the first round of testing, of course, so I want you to be brutally honest about how it feels.” Magnus set the pot down in his lap and his magic pushed the chair in closer to Alec. “We’re aiming for a cooling, numbing sensation.”

Cool and numb sounded _amazing_. He would take anything.

Magnus dipped his fingers in the green goo and that was exactly the moment that Alec realized Magnus wanted to _touch_ his scars.

He froze and ducked his head down.

“Alec?” Magnus asked cautiously.

“Um…I could… I could do it? I mean, you don’t have to, and I… I could…” The words fell out in stammered rush as his cheeks heated up.

Magnus was silent for a moment and Alec took a deep, upset breath.

“The balm needs to be massaged in,” Magnus explained in a voice that was infinitely soft. “And you won’t be able to get at the ones on your back well enough to do it properly.”

“It’s okay.” Alec said even though his heart broke to reject anything that might make all of the angry patches of skin on his body hurt less. “It’s okay, I’m sorry. It’s…”

“Breathe, darling.” Magnus leaned away from him to give him space. It helped and it didn’t help at the same time. “Can you try to tell me why you’re upset? Is there something I can do to make it better?”

He shifted uncomfortably and when he felt the bite of his scars protesting the movement, he tried not to flinch and let on. “You don’t have to.” He mumbled, hoping Magnus would let it go.

The warlock was quiet for a moment. Then, he said, “I _want_ to.”

Alec almost laughed. He knew that was a lie, even if Magnus was kind and wanted to help. “They’re gross.” He gave him the out, saying what was obvious and true.

At this, Magnus leaned back in low enough that he could catch Alec’s eye even though he was doing his best to stare at his own lap, “Alexander, they are not gross. _You_ are not gross. They’re scars. They’re wounds that have healed badly. That’s not your fault. There is no part of you that disgusts me. I want to help you, I don’t want you in any pain _ever_. If you’re too nervous to let me do this, that’s one thing. I can send in Izzy or Clary if that would make you feel more comfortable. Or Cat, if you remember her from before. She’s a nurse in an actual hospital, she does this kind of work all day. But please, _please_ , don’t force yourself to hurt in some attempt to spare us having to touch your scars. I promise you, they don’t bother any of us in any way except that someone hurt you to put them there.”

Magnus’ voice was an insistent, hypnotic promise and Alec didn’t really know what to do.

He _knew_ the scars were gross. Aside from the fact that he had eyes himself, he knew how other people reacted to them.

“You’re beautiful, my Alexander.” Magnus promised in a hushed voice. “The scars don’t change that.”

He didn’t _feel_ beautiful. He felt so far from it he almost wanted to laugh.

“Please?” Magnus asked him insistently.

It was obvious that there was nothing Alec could say that would make Magnus admit that his scars were ugly. Maybe Magnus would be able to school his face enough to touch them without grimacing, maybe he wouldn’t. Even though Alec had been looking for any hint of anger or disgust on their faces from the start, there hadn’t been anything.

If he found any now, he wasn’t sure what he would do. It would _hurt_.

“Let me make you feel better, Alec.” Magnus pressed again.

With a sigh that sounded less worried than he felt, he set the glass back down and pushed his sleeve up to offer Magnus his arm first.

The warlock went to work immediately, like he was worried Alec might rescind the permission .He _wanted_ to, so maybe Magnus was smart to dive right in. Alec watched carefully as he gently dabbed the stuff over his scarred skin.

While Magnus worked, Alec watched his face. Magnus’ warm brown eyes stared at his scarred skin with an almost clinical intensity but his nose wasn’t turned up and he didn’t seem disgusted or anything. The proof that maybe the warlock really _wasn’t_ bothered by them had him relaxing a little.

If Magnus wasn’t horrified at having to touch them and if his balm worked as well as the rest of his treatments… maybe soon the scars wouldn’t hurt either? Some of his earlier excitement bled back in.

The moment dragged on and Alec still felt nothing but aching pain. His shoulders slumped in disappointment. Magnus had said to be brutally honest but could he actually tell him that he felt nothing at all?

“Give it a moment,” Magnus said quietly, as though he knew where Alec’s thoughts were going. His fingers rubbed over the skin that was coated in the balm, massaging it in.

It was hard to tell if he was feeling anything other than the wetness of his skin and the heat of Magnus’ fingertips. That alone was a notable sensation.

There was a slow tingle that was building and Alec almost held his breath, waiting to see what else would come.

“Anything?” Magnus asked.

The tingling was getting cooler. “It’s getting cold.” That alone excited him. This was ten times better than laying against cool porcelain or anything else that he had ever tried, if for no other reason that it was way easier.

Magnus seemed to be watching his face carefully, monitoring his reaction, “The cooling sensation will give way to a combination of cooling and numbing. I didn’t want to completely numb the skin, I thought that might be weird for you to have large chunks of your body completely dead to sensation.”

That sounded okay, he supposed. Honestly, if the choice was the scars as they usually were or having half of his torso completely blocked out from any sensation, he would pick the latter. Magnus didn’t need to know that though. He was either being kind thinking of that for Alec and so he didn’t want to make him feel bad _or_ he was the keeper of Alec’s painkilling gel and he had no desire to piss him off.

The cold tingling started easing into the numbing that Magnus was talking about. It was still a little cold but now Alec could barely feel any pain at all.

Gingerly, Alec twisted his arm around, trying to see what painless range of motion he had. His forearm wasn’t a great place to test how the skin felt went it bent or got tugged by his movements but it was giving him a good idea what would happen if Magnus put this on other scars.

“Can we try another?” Alec asked maybe a little abruptly considering his silent testing.

Magnus seemed pleased though, “Of course. Your neck, maybe?”

It felt a little too intimate to be offering up his vulnerable neck to a man he didn’t really know but that scar was the worst out of all of them. Every motion his head made, no matter how tiny, sent waves of pain through the ruined skin.

“It’s all right,” Magnus said quickly when Alec started tilting his head, “I can do it around your jaw, don’t worry. You don’t have to make it hurt first.”

Alec froze as Magnus got close. The warlock definitely noticed but he still came closer.

Should he shut his eyes? What was weirder? Him closing his eyes or him staring at Magnus while he was this close? Magnus was so close there wasn’t anywhere else to really look.

It went without saying that he _wanted_ to look. Magnus was the most handsome man that he had ever seen.

The scar on his neck was bigger than a lot of the others but this went quicker than the first. Alec wasn’t sure if that was because Magnus was trying to go faster or not.

_He’s just trying to help you, stop being weird._

Once Magnus was sitting back down away from him could Alec really relax.

“What do you think you’d like for lunch?” Magnus asked as though Alec might have strong feelings about the subject.

_Food_ , he wanted to say, _food that isn’t rancid and hasn’t been in a trash can._

“Anything is fine.” Alec said sort of awkwardly. “Whatever is easy for you.”

Magnus used his fingers to wave at Alec, more graceful in one little teasing motion than anything Alec had ever managed. “Everything is easy, but if you’re unsure, I could pick something?”

“Yes,” Alec said in a grateful rush. Magnus picking meant that there could be no wrong answer. “It’s starting to go numb too,” He added.

That got him a pleased smile, “Excellent, shall we do the rest?”

That’s when Alec realized that doing the rest meant taking his shirt off. And sure, Magnus had put him in that shirt but…

“I promise, I’m just going to touch and look where I have to.” Magnus seemed to read the expression on Alec’s face, which only made Alec’s worry even stupider.

They _lived_ together. Alec was pretty sure that meant that Magnus had seen him a lot more naked than what he was currently asking for. Hell, Magnus had a shirtless picture of him on his phone and had shown it to him freely.

“Um, yeah, of course.” Alec tried to say casually. He sat up and started to try to shrug out of his shirt without moving his side too much but his hands were shaking.

“Wait,” Magnus said quickly, “I can vanish it, I just wanted permission first.”

“Oh,” Alec leaned back and fidgeted a little, “Sure.”

Then Magnus snapped his fingers and Alec’s shirt was gone. It was literally everything he had not to cross his arms.

Magnus gave him an encouraging smile. He waved his hand and another tray appeared. Alec’s nose registered the smell almost immediately and his mouth instantly started watering.

There was a bowl of some sort of pasta with a chunky tomato sauce. Beside that he had garlic bread with cheese on it and then beside _that_ there was a salad with more vegetables in it than he had ever had before in his life.

“Why don’t you sit up and slide forward a bit and I’ll do your back first while you eat?” Magnus suggested.

Alec moved instantly, too eager to dive in to the delicious meal in front of him. This was more food than he had ever been offered, including that breakfast Magnus had given him the first morning. Once he was in place, Magnus perched on the bed just behind him and he felt careful fingers and cool gel as he took the first bite of the hot pasta. There was just something amazing about food that was warm.

The flavors exploded on his tongue and even though he hadn’t ever eaten them before the words for the tastes were all there in his head. Garlicky, herbed sauce. Tender, house-made pasta. The chunks of tomatoes were just acidic enough to make it all come together deliciously.

He moaned and then froze for a second, embarrassed.

Magnus just laughed though and it didn’t sound like he was teasing Alec so much as he was pleased Alec was enjoying it enough to moan.

_Just eat, stop worrying but stop making weird noises too._

Each new thing he tried was tastier than the last. The gooey cheese and the bread that was perfectly crusty. The tangy dressing on the salad that only made the vegetables taste even better.

He tried not to scarf it all down even though he wanted to.

By the time Magnus was nearly done with his back, Alec had eaten almost all of it although the speed had slowed considerably.

“That’s from a little restaurant only about twenty minutes from here. Family recipes, the original owners’ grandson runs it now, which is wonderful because he’s nearly as good as his grandmother was. His father wasn’t, so I was glad that I gave it another try when I heard he had taken it over.” Magnus chatted idly as he worked on one of the last runes on his back.

It was sort of stunning to Alec that this man could just start talking casually about multiple generations of a family restaurant.

Even if he was still what he had been before, what did Magnus – worldly, wise, kind and beautiful Magnus – see in him?

He felt a warm wash of something light go over his back.

“That was just to seal it all in, so it stays in place and doesn’t smudge or smear all over your pillows.” Magnus explained. “Are you ready to do the front?”

_The front_ was way more intimate than the back.

But the cool tingling that heralded the balm working to turn his skin numb had already started in back and he wanted the rest of them to feel as good. Especially the ones by his hips, because they got irritated by the waistband of his pants all the time.

So he grabbed his bowl of salad and the fork and leaned back. If he focused hard enough on the food, then he wouldn’t have to play so close of attention to Magnus.

Magnus drew the blankets back after he move the tray to a safer spot.

“I hope I picked the right thing for lunch,” Magnus said lightly as he applied the balm along Alec’s side. “It’s one of your favorites normally.”

“Is it?” He asked. It seemed so strange to be told about his favorite foods by someone else. Magnus would know better than he did though.

“We went there one of our first dates. The restaurant is probably one of our top five in the city, although it’s pulling teeth to get you to try anything but your beloved pasta.” Magnus said fondly before pausing and ducking his head in closer to Alec’s side, as though he didn’t really want him to see the expression on his face. “Does it bother you when I say those kinds of things?”

“You mean…” He paused, trying to find a way to ask if he meant as in _when we were together_ without making it past tense. That sounded unnecessarily cruel. “Like, things about dating?”

Magnus took a few extra seconds to answer, “No, although now that you say it I suppose I mean that as well. Originally, I meant saying things about you _before_. I don’t want to be disrespectful of you now.”

The question made sense, he guessed. He could understand why Magnus might think that Alec wouldn’t like to hear about himself before because that person wasn’t really him.

Except Magnus didn’t know how desperate and hungry he had been when he was all alone. Not hungry for food, hungry to _know_. To understand who he was and what had happened. Every new thing Magnus told him didn’t make him angry… it just made him hungrier.

And maybe later he would reject the things he learned as _not me_ but until then, he wanted to know.

“No,” Alec said finally, “It doesn’t bother me. Either thing.”

Magnus nodded and Alec was thankful that he was looking at the scar he was working on – low on his hip, dangerously close to the edge of his pants – instead of looking up to see him blushing at having his fingers where they were.

“I want you to tell me if that changes, all right?” Magnus asked and he seemed to strongly mean it.

Once the scars along his hips were covered, Magnus stared hard at his legs. There were two on his thighs and Alec froze at the thought of having to take his pants off too. Without a word, Magnus reached out with one finger and traced a square on the top of his left thigh. When the square was completed, that section of his pants disappeared.

That was in no way the most exciting magic Magnus had done in front of him and yet it was maybe the most surprising. Making things vanish was one thing. Magically cutting a square out of his pants was kind of another.

“Okay,” Alec promised belatedly while Magnus got to work, although he wasn’t sure he ever actually would.

When Magnus was done, he waved his hand over the blank square and the fabric reappeared as though it had never been gone. That just left the one on the outside of his right thigh and even though Magnus couldn’t see it from underneath his pants, he knew exactly where to draw the square.

This man _knew him_.

This man, he was beginning to understand, knew probably every little thing about him.

Alec was sure that he wanted the knowledge… and the love and the competence and the security that came with being Alec Lightwood.

The enemies though and the pain that they had caused him… Did he want to be Alec if he had enemies powerful enough to ruin him so thoroughly?

He didn’t know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hoped you liked the chapter!! I would love to know what you think!


	13. Chapter Thirteen

* * *

**Chapter Thirteen**

* * *

When he jolted awake, there was nothing there. No memory of teeth coming for him, no dreamy version of an attack, just a pounding heart and a dark room.

Something moved in the darkness and Alec almost screamed before he caught a flash of gold in the low light and realized it was Jace sitting in everyone’s favorite chair.

“There aren’t any demons here.” Jace said quietly, “You’re safe.”

Alec collapsed back down on the bed from where he had been half sat up and hunched over. His breathing was somewhere between a gasp and full on panting but either way he needed to lay there and try not to let his heart pound out of his chest.

Jace leaned in closer but he didn’t touch, “You’re safe.” He repeated. The way he said it was so different than Magnus. Magnus spoke those words like they were some hypnotic croon. He said them less like they were a promise and more like they were irrevocably true.

Jace said them like a promise bathed in blood. He would _make_ Alec safe.

“How do you know it was demons?” Alec asked, “The dream?” _He_ didn’t even know that the dream was about demons.

“What else are you afraid of?”

Alec wasn’t sure how to answer. _Everything_ seemed like too vulnerable a thing to say.

Even if he didn’t say it, Jace seemed to hear it. Did they just know each other that well? How did a soul bond even work? His brother stood and then sat down on the bed beside him. Alec wasn’t sure how he knew but there was something slightly more relaxed about Jace the closer he got. Maybe in his eyes, maybe not though. Saying that Jace seemed more relaxed seemed ridiculous because he still seemed partially a statue he was so tense.

“When I find out who did this to you, I’ll make them pay for it with my bare hands.” Jace said with no emotion in his voice other than resolute certainty. There wasn’t anything vicious in the way he said it but the words promised death and pain all the same.

Alec stared at him, “I don’t understand you.” He admitted after a few seconds of silence.

Jace just smiled.

“Explain it.” Alec asked.

Jace didn’t pretend to misunderstand or ask what he meant. “I don’t know if anything I say will make you really understand. I don’t know if I’m capable of it and if I were, don’t know if words are capable of it. We tried for Izzy. You tried for Magnus. I tried for Clary. It doesn’t get any easier.”

Alec listened carefully as Jace sighed and seemed to gather himself to make another attempt. He _wanted_ to understand, even if Jace didn’t think anyone was really capable of it.

“I can’t say I felt you in the back of my head or even in our rune,” Jace moved his hand down towards his hip before pulling it away as though burnt. Alec knew he had once had a matching rune in the same spot that Magnus had shown him. “It’s like… where do you feel your soul? Sometimes if there was danger, it felt like the rune itself was pulling us but that wasn’t all the time.”

Maybe Alec wasn’t really sure what he meant because he wasn’t really sure about the concept of a soul? Jace was right – where did Alec feel his own soul? What was it?

“But you were there, all the time. It was like… like…” He trailed off, frustrated, “It was like your senses, almost. You don’t _think_ about your eyesight, smell, taste, touch and temperature all the time at the same time while also filtering through all of that input and going about your day. It’s just all there and your brain understands it. When you smell something, sometimes it just filters through and sometimes you’re really analyzing the smell. Either way, it’s mostly just something your body recognizes automatically.” Jace smiled again and this time it felt more real, like he was actually a person again. It was closer to the picture Magnus had shown him but Jace’s eyes were still sort of shattered so the effect was kind of upsetting. “I’m not saying you were a smell or anything. I just mean that you were another thing in my head and in my soul that was always there, that grounded how I reacted to the world.”

Alec turned those words over in his head. It made sense, kind of. He got it better, at least. “And by sensing me you mean…?”

“Everything, if we wanted to.” Jace shrugged. “Emotions and physical. Mostly you were just there, because the little stuff doesn’t really register unless you’re looking. If a room is five degrees colder than the one you were in before, you’re not really noticing unless you’re really paying attention. So if you were annoyed, I wasn’t really thinking about it because you’re just a grumpy guy and your job involved dealing with a lot of annoying stuff. If you walked out of that five degree colder room into one that was thirty degrees colder, the change got more drastic and you would really notice it. If you deviated from your baseline, I would notice. If you got really upset, I would feel it. I’d know. Same with injuries and that kind of thing. Maybe not like, _Alec’s got a broken leg and two cracked ribs_ but more like _Alec is in a lot of pain but it’s not horrific pain and he’s not dying_.”

“And what about…?” Alec tapped the side of his head.

Jace shook his head, “No thoughts. Just the emotions behind them.” When Alec gave him a questioning look, he continued, “Like if you were thinking about someone hurting Izzy, you would get mad and upset. I would feel those two emotions and if I wasn’t there, I wouldn’t understand why. If I was and I knew that Izzy had been hurt, I would understand why. Interpreting gets easier the longer the bond is there.”

“You’re explaining pretty good.” Alec offered.

Instead of being pleased, Jace just looked frustrated, “I’m explaining _what_ it is, not _how important_ it is. Comparing you to a sense is just to make you understand the _what_. If I lost my sense of smell, I would miss it but I could work around that. I could compensate for it, I could get over it. This is… without you…”

Maybe he didn’t need to explain it with words. Everything about him sort of did it for him.

If he accepted every emotion that he had seen from all of them as absolute truth then Izzy and Magnus had seemed devastated about his death and overjoyed to have him (sort of) back.

Jace was different. He seemed genuinely wrecked and not in an emotional way. In a sort of broken way that said he wasn’t stable, no matter how much he might have wanted to be.

In some ways, Alec felt kinship with that. He felt like there was something wrong deep inside of him and nothing, not Magnus’ kindness or Izzy’s smiles or Jace’s nearness could fix it. Was that because part of his soul and part of Jace’s soul was missing?

“I get it,” Alec said finally, “I think.”

Jace’s eyes were always too intense but there were tears building and those blunted the impact of having such laser focus on him. “I don’t know what’s worse. That I know what I’m missing and what it felt like before or that you don’t.”

Alec thought about it for a second, “I don’t either.”

“I feel like I’ve gone insane.” Jace admitted with a soft laugh, “I’m okay with it though, if I get you back. Nothing has felt real since the fire. Not even me. I’m not sure I exist because you don’t exist. Or you didn’t. My soul keeps telling me you’re gone and when I can’t see you it’s harder to tell myself that it’s not true.”

“Is that why you’re sitting in the dark staring at me?” Alec asked.

Jace flinched, “Don’t tell them, okay? I’m supposed to be leaving you alone. I’m supposed to be sleeping.”

It felt strange to be the keeper of someone else’s secrets. If he wanted Jace gone, all he had to do was tell Magnus and he had no doubt that to keep him happy and calm the warlock would make Jace leave the room.

Having power over someone else felt awful. Alec barely knew what _he_ was doing, let alone what someone else should do.

His silence seemed to panic Jace, “Please, Alec. I’ll be quiet and I’ll sit further back so you can’t even really see me. I won’t do anything, just please don’t make me leave.”

“Why can’t you sleep?” He asked instead of answering.

Jace shut his eyes and the low light caught on a tear falling. The sight of it made Alec’s heart hurt. “Every time I fall asleep, I’m back _there_. That warehouse. Waking up when Izzy shook me. Feeling…” His voice broke, “I can’t keep doing that. I _can’t_. Even though I deserve it, I can’t. The only time I feel halfway alive is when I can see you, when I can know that you’re still here.”

_Even though I deserve it_.

Before, when other people had power over _him_ , he had prayed for kindness.

“Lay down.”

Jace’s face crumbled, “Alec, please, _please_ , I promise I won’t-”

“Here,” Alec said quickly, “Lay down on the bed with me.”

Silence.

Jace’s shuddering breathing seemed to stop in an instant. He just stared with his mismatched, intense eyes.

“I want you to get better.” Jace said finally. “I want you to rest.” _And if you can’t with me here then I don’t want to rest myself._

Alec reached out for his hand and he tugged a little.

If seeing him was so vital to Jace, then touching him seemed to steal his breath away.

The little touch, just a few seconds of Alec’s hand wrapped around his to pull, seemed to take all the power out of Jace. He stood and came around to the end of the bed so he could crawl up until he was lying beside Alec, curled on his side.

Alec shifted, glad that facing Jace meant that his good side was the one pressed to the bed. He wouldn’t have been able to do it otherwise.

They stared at each other. They were only a few inches away but that little space seemed like a lot.

There were still more questions crowded in his head. More he wanted to understand about Jace and his life before.

Except it was late and he didn’t feel very strong and the bed was warm.

Alec shut his eyes.

**\---**

_“I found him here a couple of hours ago.”_

_“Should we wake him up?”_

_“Look at Alec though, he’s facing Jace. He must know he’s there.”_

The two voices sort of skirted around the edges of his thoughts, before he even realized he had any thoughts at all.

“ _Maybe it makes him feel better to have Jace close like it makes Jace feel better to be close to Alec?”_

_“Why though? He doesn’t know Jace.”_

_“I don’t think that matters. His soul might know even if his head doesn’t.”_

_“Did you call in?”_

_“Yeah, it’s set for the rest of the week.”_

_“What did you say?”_

_“The truth – Jace can’t be at the Institute right now. Who’s going to tell me I’m wrong?”_

Alec sighed and the voices went hushed. It took a few extra seconds before his eyes decided to open and he was grateful to see sun shining in the room. It was safer during the day.

Slowly, he turned onto his back. Magnus’ gel seemed to be wearing off but there was still enough left to keep the press of the bed to his scars from hurting too much.

“Good morning!” Izzy’s voice was warm and excited, for all that she spoke quietly. He found her sitting at the vanity in the corner. The other voice must have been Clary because it was female but he didn’t see her anywhere.

Jace was still sleeping.

“Good morning,” Alec echoed politely. “It’s okay that he’s here. I told him it was.” He figured it was better to just say it rather than let her wonder or ask Jace about it later.

Izzy didn’t look particularly surprised, “Okay, as long as you’re comfortable. Listen, I love you and I love Jace. If you need some space from him but you don’t know how to tell him, just tell me and I’ll handle it gently, all right?”

It was good to have that option but Alec didn’t really see himself needing it. Maybe later. “Thank you.”

The door opened and Magnus came in. He didn’t seem surprised to see Jace, so he had to have either already found them or Clary had told him. “Sleep well, darling?”

There was a shift of the mattress that let Alec know Jace was waking up, or at least moving around.

“Yes,” Alec answered, “You?”

Magnus seemed to think that him asking the same was funny. “I was in my workroom entirely too long but yes, I slept well. Thank you for asking, Alexander.”

What did a warlock’s workroom _look_ like? Alec was having wild visions of lots of ominously bubbling glass containers but maybe that was more mad scientist? He wasn’t really sure but he was interested.

Beside him, Jace sat up, curling his legs in to silently watch the proceedings. Alec didn’t really pay him any extra attention but he saw Izzy shoot him an exasperated look.

Magnus dropped himself down in his usual seat. “How are you feeling? If you give me a full rundown, there might be something exciting for today.”

Was something exciting code for something to eat?

He hoped so.

Talking about his health or whatever while they all stared was awkward to say the least. They were already doing so much, so he didn’t really want to whine or be annoying but if Magnus was asking…

Besides, he didn’t really think that Magnus would withhold food if he didn’t answer well enough but maybe the food wouldn’t be as nice as it had been so far. Alec could deal with that but…

His stomach gurgled impatiently.

“My head feels better.” Alec started, Magnus smiled encouragingly so he kept talking, “The balm stuff you put on my scars is _great_ but it’s maybe wearing off? If you… um, if you have more that would be nice but I don’t need it. It’s not that bad.”

“I have plenty and we can absolutely put more on this morning.” Magnus promised easily, like the balm wasn’t that big a deal when it so completely _was._

“Okay, thank you,” Alec said. “My side feels better and my ankle feels better.”

There, finished. He was actually vaguely proud of himself. He’d gotten through the request and had secured more of the numbing balm. Not bad.

Magnus seemed more amused than pleased though, “Is the wound throbbing now?”

“No,” Alec said with relief.

“Has it lately?” Magnus pressed.

Alec shook his head, taking advantage of his scar still being half numb.

“Does it feel hot?”

“Not really.”

“Not really?”

“Not as much. Maybe a little.”

“And is your ankle throbbing?”

“Not rea… um, not as much as before.”

“But it _is_ throbbing?”

“Kind of.”

Magnus paused his interrogation and crossed over to the end of the bed to flip the edge of the covers up. He flicked his fingers and the compression bandages disappeared. “I’m going to move your foot around a little and I want you to very honestly tell me how it feels.”

Alec braced himself a little bit nodded all the same.

Magnus carefully rotated his ankle, moving his foot in small increments in different directions.

“It doesn’t hurt nearly as much as it used to.” Alec said. Then Magnus slowly rolled the joint in a circle and _that_ was nearly enough to make him accidentally kick him.

Even worse, Magnus saw it.

“I think let’s try some elevation today and icing it. I’ll give it a little magic TLC and see where we end up.” Magnus decided. He laid Alec’s foot back down, “Anything else you can tell me?”

That felt like a trick question, “No?”

“All right,” Magnus said, “So, I want you to recover more before we actually try to do anything about your memories but the something exciting I mentioned is this: I think you’re strong enough to let me poke around in your mind and see what we’re working with, if you’re comfortable with it?”

It wasn’t what Alec was expecting at _all_.

Magnus narrowed his eyes, “What did you think I meant?”

“Breakfast,” Alec answered.

That only seemed to upset the warlock. Magnus’ face fell, “Darling, food will never be a reward for good behavior or something. Or a punishment. Food is a right, okay? I won’t ever withhold it for any reason at all.”

“I didn’t think that!” Alec said quickly. “I didn’t think you wouldn’t give me anything, I just…” The rest of that sentence wasn’t going to make anyone feel better.

Jace shifted beside him and when Alec turned away from Magnus gratefully, the expression he found on Jace’s face wasn’t any better. His brother was staring very hard at his hands, clenched so tightly into fists that they were shaking.

Looking at Jace wasn’t really safe either.

Alec didn’t really know what to say, “Sorry,”

Magnus waved a hand as though it were nothing. His eyes said differently. “No worries, Alec. You have nothing to be sorry for. We’ll all have breakfast together after I take a look in your memories, if that’s all right with you? I would say we can eat first but just in case you end up having a negative physical reaction to me and my magic entering your mind, I think it would be better if… Well, I don’t want you to…”

Hurl his guts up, “I get it.” Alec put him out of his misery, “After is okay.”

“So how do we do this?” Izzy asked eagerly.

“It’s really very simple, at least on everyone else’s end.” Magnus reassured them, “I’ll be doing most of the work. Alec just needs to sit there, do a little calming deep breathing and try just to relax and let me do what I need to do. The two of you,” He pointed at Jace and Izzy, “Need to not distract me and keep an eye on your brother. If something happens that I’m not noticing, stop me by touching my shoulder. I’ll notice a physical touch better than an auditory call.”

“But it won’t hurt,” Jace’s voice was soft but there was an undercurrent to the words that was similar to the vow he had made to Alec last night. “You won’t hurt him.”

It wasn’t a question. It was more of a threat.

Magnus took it with grace, “It shouldn’t hurt. It might be a little uncomfortable but not painful at all. I’ve been in your head remember? I didn’t hurt _you_ , right?”

Jace looked barely mollified.

“Perhaps…” Magnus surveyed the room, “Why don’t you sit up and swing your legs around, so I can get closer?”

Alec did as requested a little nervously. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to come of this. What if Magnus found his memories totally gone? What if he said there was nothing he could do to recover them?

Magnus stepped closer, smiling down at him, “Just relax, Alec. I’m just going to take a quick look. You don’t have to think of anything in particular, all right? Let’s take a few breaths together?” He pulled in an exaggerated breath and let it out. On the next one, Alec got with the program. Four seconds to pull in, three seconds to exhale.

“Very good, love. Now close your eyes and keep breathing with me.”

Shutting his eyes made him feel a little more exposed, them seeing him without him seeing them or how they were reacting to him, but he did it anyway. Magnus started counting out the times for each breath now that Alec couldn’t see him.

But he wanted this. He wanted this next step to happen so they would know where they stood.

Fingertips pressed gently to the side of his head.

_It’s okay, you have to do this. It’s okay._

He tried not tense up and he must have managed it because Magnus didn’t pull away.

And then he felt it, a soft touch within his own mind, and the sensation was _horrific_.

Alec jerked away with a strangled yell. _No, no, no…_

His eyes snapped open and he barely had a second to register how surprised Magnus looked before Jace _launched_ himself over Alec and onto Magnus, bringing him down in one swift movement that sent the two of them thudding to the floor.

Alec scrambled backwards with his heart in this throat. “Stop! _Stop!”_

It was said too breathlessly, they didn’t hear him.

Izzy was up too, her bracelet slithering down to the ground in a way that made no sense. In seconds, she snapped it, letting the long silvery rope it became wrap around Jace’s chest, trapping his arms to his side. “Jace, stop!”

Magnus pushed back from Jace as he thrashed, “Jace, what are you doing?”

“You hurt him!” Jace snarled. He was straining against the rope Izzy had wrapped around him, bucking his body in attempt to loosen the grip of it.

“I’m okay,” Alec tried to say. Seeing Jace reacting so violently to the idea that Magnus might have hurt him was… startling? Upsetting? He didn’t know. All he wanted was for everything to stop for a second. There were these phantom feelings of panic that were clawing at his chest and seeing Jace freak out while Magnus tried to get away without hurting him and Izzy fighting to keep control of their brother wasn’t helping. He wrapped his arms around his drawn up legs and ignored the way his ankle twinged in protest to being pressed down onto the mattress.

“Jace, think about what you’re doing!” Izzy shouted over him, “This is Magnus. _Magnus_! He’s not hurting Alec, you know he would never!”

Except Jace didn’t seem capable of thinking about what he was doing.

He lunged again and this time, finally, Alec managed to make himself heard.

“Stop!”

It was like _he_ was the one with magic. His single word shout was that potent, seeming to cast a spell over the whole room. Everything froze, Jace most of all.

Magnus managed to get his feet under him, “Alec,” He was panting and though he reached his hand out towards him, he didn’t cross Jace to get closer. Whether that was because he didn’t want to provoke Jace or he didn’t want to touch if Alec wasn’t giving permission, he didn’t know. “Are you all right?”

He wasn’t sure but not answering wasn’t an option. “I… I don’t know, but everyone needs to stop.”

The warlock’s wide eyes dropped down to Jace, “I won’t try again until he tells me he’s okay. I would never hurt him, you _know_ that. Can we all breathe and talk a moment?”

There was a long pause before Jace hung his head.

That seemed enough for Izzy and Magnus. His sister came forward, unlooping the rope from around Jace’s chest and Magnus tipped his head back, silent as he stared at the ceiling for a moment. Composing himself, maybe? Or regretting ever finding troublesome Alec?

“Alec, what happened?” Izzy asked him gently, wary of spooking _anyone_ in the room. Apparently especially him because Jace might react like a vicious guard dog if Alec reacted badly.

“I don’t know.” He said again, because he didn’t. “It was fine and then I felt him in my head and, and, _I don’t know_.”

_They_ seemed to know.

Izzy and Magnus traded heavy looks.

“Well,” Magnus said after a moment. His voice sounded _off_ , like he was pretending. It wasn’t half as reassuring as he normally sounded, “That’s a point in favor of the idea that his memories are still there.”

“What?” Alec asked, confused.

Instead of answering, Magnus reached down for Jace, offering him a hand up. Alec watched warily but Jace only accepted it. Once he was standing, he stepped closer to Magnus and pressed their foreheads together. An apology, maybe. Alec wouldn’t have been sure how to take it, but Magnus seemed to understand just fine. He cupped his hand on the back of Jace’s head for just a moment before Jace stepped back.

Then Jace turned to him, “It didn’t hurt?”

“No.” Alec answered forcefully. It was true. Pain hadn’t prompted his reaction. “I just panicked. It… I don’t know why.”

“I do.” Jace said, “And they’ll tell you but I can’t stay. I can’t…” He sighed and dropped his head down again.

“It’s okay, Jace,” Izzy put her hand to his shoulder and stepped close enough that she could wrap her other arm around his back, “I’ll stay with Alec. He’s okay. You go to Clary, all right?”

Jace nodded wordlessly. He left the room, shutting the door behind him.

Izzy pulled out her phone and quickly typed something, “I just want to let Clary know he’s by himself coming to her.”

While she did that, Magnus pushed his original seat back into place from where his fight with Jace had pushed it back against the wall and sat in it heavily. “Well, that was fun.”

Izzy sat too, “I probably should have known he shouldn’t have stayed in the room.”

“I don’t think any of us expected the memory to make Alec react like that when he’s shown no sign of having any others.” Magnus said to her before turning back to Alec, “Darling, I think what happened was that when you felt my mental touch, some distant part of you remembered what happened to you when your memory was stolen and you reacted instinctively.”

That made sense? The idea of it even settled him because if he was reacting that way then maybe Magnus was right and it meant his memories were still there.

“Try again, please?” Alec uncurled himself and leaned towards Magnus, “I won’t yell, I promise.”

Magnus opened his mouth before shutting it. There was clear hesitation on his face. “Alec,”

“Please? I’m sorry.” Alec moved a little closer to him.

It was his apology that softened Magnus. Alec wasn’t sure why it always seemed to.

The warlock stood gingerly, even though he seemed to have made the decision to try again. “We can try this later, Alec.”

He shook his head, “No, please. I just want to do this.” And then he shut his eyes like before and pulled in as deep a breath as he was capable, following the same counts that Magnus had given before.

Magnus let him breathe through a few slow, steady cycles and when his hands reached out for Alec’s temples again, he waited so long that Alec almost asked him again.

This time, when the mental touch came, Alec only flinched.

There wasn’t really anything else. Just something soft and warm at the edges of his consciousness. No emotion, no visuals. His world remained almost disappointingly black as the minutes dragged on.

And even though nothing negative was happening, Alec’s heart still raced. His breathing fell out of sync but he kept himself as still and silent as possible. He wasn’t going to let himself ruin this again.

Then Magnus’ hands fell away.

Alec opened his eyes and met Magnus’ gaze evenly, waiting for him to speak.

“There’s a block in your mind.” Magnus said as a smile broke through, “I can’t get around it but that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t be able to break it.”

Alec shut his eyes again, “Do it, please?”

A warm hand cupped his cheek and Alec reluctantly opened his eyes to find Magnus bending forward to bring them closer to eye-level with each other.

“Not right now, darling. It’s a solid block and I don’t think that I can break it in one attempt. What I do know is that it will be painful and it will stress your entire body. You need to regain your strength and prepare yourself for it.” Magnus said with finality in his voice.

Alec wanted to protest. He wanted to figure out what the right thing to say was so that Magnus would try. Except he had already told Magnus that he could take pain. He had already said please. Magnus wasn’t moved then and he wouldn’t be now.

“When?” Alec asked instead.

Magnus smiled at him, “Not today. Today is for relaxing and eating until we feel fit to burst. Not tomorrow either. After that, we’ll talk and see where we are. I’m not saying it will be the day after tomorrow, just that we will see how you’re feeling and how you’re recovering and work from there, all right?”

There was nothing else to do but agree.

**\---**

When Alec woke from the nap he hadn’t meant to take, something was licking his fingers.

He jerked his hand back as his eyes snapped open.

A cat stared back at him, supremely unimpressed.

“Chairman!” Magnus hissed from beyond the door. “Chairman, don’t you dare wake him…” He entered the bedroom in a rush and froze for a second at the sight of Alec and the cat’s staring contest then he deflated a little, “I apologize, I’ve been trying to keep him out but the Chairman is a force unto himself.”

_The Chairman? The Chairman of what?_ Alec looked between the cat and the warlock, “What? The…? What is he the Chairman _of_?”

If the Downworld or Shadow World or whatever included cats holding office, he was going to have to lose it a little.

Magnus laughed as though Alec was being funny on purpose. “My life, I suppose, or at least he thinks so. His name is Chairman Meow, that’s all. He’s our cat and he’s known you were home since he saw me carry you in here. I’m a little impressed I’ve managed to keep him back this long. You’re very good friends, I promise.”

“He was licking my fingers.” Alec answered, more than a little unsure.

Magnus only sighed and waved his hand in a vague direction behind them, blue magic trailing his fingers. “Your demands have been met in the usual spot. Please leave Alec to rest.”

The cat stood and then languidly stretched. He rubbed against Alec’s side before trotting down the end of the bed and hopping down before exiting the room as though he was done with them.

“He licks your fingers when he’s asking for catnip.” Magnus explained as he came in and sat down beside him in the previously empty chair. “I’m sorry he woke you up.”

“It’s okay,” Alec answered as he pushed himself up to sit a little higher on the bed.

“While you’re awake, would you like a snack?” Magnus asked him.

Judging by the sun, he had fallen asleep after breakfast by accident. It couldn’t have been for very long though because his stomach was still almost uncomfortably full. Magnus conjured meals that were _massive_. He wanted every bite of them, even if he knew better. He’d gotten a little carried away at breakfast.

Some part of him wanted to ask for something with a wrapper so he could stuff it in his backpack and add to the little stockpile he had in there. There was no way he could discretely do that if Magnus was sitting there though. If he did it in front of him, then Alec was pretty sure he would offend him.

“No thank you.” He answered instead.

There was a little bit of disappointment in Magnus’ eyes but his smile didn’t dim at all. “How does your head feel?”

“It doesn’t hurt.” Alec promised for what felt like the fifteenth time. “Are you okay?”

Magnus’ eyebrow rose almost instantly, “Of course, darling, why wouldn’t I be?”

“Jace kind of jumped on you.” Alec shrugged.

Understanding flooded but Magnus seemed mostly unbothered by the whole thing. “Oh, I’m fine. He didn’t really mean it.”

Alec just looked at him. Jace had very much seemed like he meant it.

Magnus laughed even though the whole thing didn’t really feel like something to laugh about. “You’re right,” Magnus said as though Alec had said something. “He meant it but he didn’t mean it _towards me_. I could have been anyone. In that moment, all he knew was that someone had hurt you and everything else kind of went out the window for him. He’s not normally so… hair-triggered, shall we say? I wasn’t expecting it, although Isabelle was right, we should have been.”

He didn’t know what to say next. The idea that he had a brother that would literally leap on someone who only _might_ have caused him some pain was more than he knew what to do with. They had all explained Jace as best they could – _Jace_ had explained Jace as best he could – but it still didn’t feel real.

“You’ll have to excuse all of us for a while,” Magnus said as carefully as he could, “Knowing that you were out there alone with demons tracking your every move is hard. Our imaginations are running wild and that just makes everyone feel more protective now that we have you home.”

_Our imaginations are running wild… because you won’t tell us anything that happened._

Alec flushed guiltily. “I, um…”

“No,” Magnus rushed to say, “I didn’t mean it like that darling. I didn’t mean you had to tell us anything before you’re ready. I just meant, we know things were bad for you and it’s only made us more eager to protect you now that we can. If we add in where the broken bond has Jace’s emotional state, it was very unsurprising that he reacted the way he did this morning.”

“Okay,” Alec agreed quietly.

He tried to tell himself that it was all a good thing, that they wanted to protect him. He’d done a bad enough job of it himself considering all his still healing injuries.

Maybe it _was_ a good thing but if they put themselves between him and a threat like Jace had, that just meant that _they_ would get hurt instead of him. He didn’t want that. The girl in the alley who had been ripped open in his place still weighed heavily on his heart.

“Is that bad?” Magnus said in a voice that was almost timid it was so quiet. “That we want to protect you?”

Alec hesitated, “I don’t… I don’t want anyone to get hurt for me.”

Magnus relaxed a little although his whole demeanor said he was being careful still. He was trying so hard not to upset him. Sometime it made him feel cared for and other times it made him feel like Magnus thought he was a child.

“Remember, I still have my magic and your siblings still have their runes. With their memories intact, they remember all their years of training as well. Everyone has to be careful when going up against a demon but we have good advantages.” Magnus explained.

Alec knew all that was true but he also couldn’t shake the rows of jagged teeth that haunted his memories. “Have they been coming here?”

Magnus frowned, “Have who?”

“Demons.” Alec had to fight to keep his voice from betraying any of his worry. “They kept finding me.”

Realization instantly dawned on Magnus’ face. “Oh, don’t worry about that, love. The wards don’t just keep demons out, they keep them from knowing about anything that happens within.”

“Oh,” Alec said in a relieved breath, “So nothing is attacking anyone when they leave?”

“No one but Izzy has left,” Magnus explained, “And I made her a portal. There aren’t any demons skulking around the building though, I promise.”

“You’re sure?” Alec asked him probably more urgently than Magnus was expecting.

The warlock hesitated before shifting his chair a little closer. It seemed like he wanted to reach out and hug him and he wanted it as much as he didn’t want it.

“I’m sure, Alec, I promise I am. Is there…” Magnus stopped for a second before seeming to decide something, “I know you don’t want to talk about your time in San Francisco, but if I know more about what your concern is, I could answer you better.”

Alec looked away to stare down at his hands. He hadn’t noticed but at some point he had started worrying the skin between his thumb and his index finger. Just enough to hurt but not enough to bleed. He stopped, hoping Magnus hadn’t noticed.

The man was right. Alec _didn’t_ want to talk about any of that… but he couldn’t keep letting people get hurt because he was a coward.

“There… there was a girl.” Alec started haltingly before realizing he should explain better. “I had to leave the apartment for a little while. The demons found me there and I ran. For a few days I stayed in an abandoned building. I had to hop a dumpster and use the fire escape and a broken window to get in. I thought…” He laughed at himself. At how stupid he had been, “I thought they might not find me there.”

Magnus stayed still and quiet beside him, as though he was afraid to interrupt in any way at all.

“I went to a library one day. I wanted to research a lot of stuff. When I got back, there were police and people gathered around the alley I used to get in. They said a girl had gotten mauled to death by some animal, except I knew right away that it was a monst- _demon_. A demon that was looking for _me_.” His throat started to go tight and his fingers started messing with that little spot of skin again. The pain of it was so small, so much less than the agony that she had died in.

A warm hand laid itself over both of his, “Alec, look at me?”

His eyes darted to the side and connected with Magnus’ sad gaze.

“Her death wasn’t your fault, darling.” Magnus said the words so earnestly, like he really meant them. “You didn’t even know what was happening.”

Alec shook his head so hard the mostly numb scar on his neck protested. “I did. I knew they were tracking me, I knew… I knew. I could have… if I had…”

“If you hadn’t been deruned and dumped in the middle of California thousands of miles from your family without your memories, then yes, maybe she would still be alive.” Magnus’ voice went a little harsher although Alec didn’t get the idea that any of his anger was directed at _him_.

_Please, please don’t let it be directed at me._

Magnus’ expression softened again, “What I’m saying is, it’s not your fault. Whoever did this _knew_ that deruned Nephilim attract demons. They knew that and still dumped you with no help in a massively populated area. They were practically _asking_ for someone to die. Probably you, but they certainly didn’t try to keep anyone around you safe either. Her blood is on _their_ hands, not yours.”

Alec wasn’t sure he would ever really be able to accept that.

Magnus hand lifted off of his with a sigh, “If you’re worried about the people in my neighborhood, don’t be. Without getting into ancient history, let’s just say that few demons look to cross my path. Even if they were aware that I was harboring a deruned Nephilim, which they absolutely _aren’t_ because my wards won’t allow it and only six people know you’re both home and alive, they wouldn’t dare loiter around my home. That said, there are always demons lurking, which is why Shadowhunters have patrols each night to keep people safe.”

When he was silent, Magnus spoke again, “I promise you, Alexander, no one is at risk because you’re here. No one is going to get hurt and even if they did, it wouldn’t be your fault.”

He wanted to believe those words but he was still worried. He wasn’t sure how not to be.

“Would you like to leave?” Magnus asked him.

Alec jerked in his seat, “W-what?”

“Do you want to go somewhere else? Somewhere quieter and not in a city surrounded by people?” Magnus clarified with a worried look at him.

Alec gaped at him a second. He’d thought… well, he knew that they didn’t _really_ have a reason to keep him around, not if he wasn’t the Alec they’d lost, but Magnus had been so kind and he kept insisting that they wanted Alec, even if he had gross scars and didn’t remember them. “I… I don’t know where… I could try…”

“No!” Magnus stood quickly and went to sit beside him on the bed instead. His arms wrapped around Alec and he held him tightly.

The feeling of Magnus’ strong arms around him had him sagging. The warlock held him as though he was about to be ripped away from him or something.

Alec felt the shock of Magnus’ suggestion ease off as it got clear that he’d misunderstood.

“No, my love, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I meant _all of us_. If you don’t feel safe here, _we_ can leave. _We_ can go anywhere you want.” Magnus said the words urgently, as though Alec already had his bags packed and he had only moments to convince him before he was out the door.

Alec relaxed and when he did, he felt Magnus sag a little too. “I just don’t want anyone to get hurt.”

“No one will get hurt, Alexander, I promise you. We are very safe. _You_ are very safe.”

Though Alec wasn’t sure he completely believed Magnus’ promises, no matter how much he wished he did, what he _was_ sure about was that Magnus would keep repeating them as many times as he needed. If Alec asked, Magnus would hold him tight until the sun set and rose again, promising him again and again that everything was going to be okay.

He _wanted_ that.

But he also didn’t think he would be able to survive losing it, if it came to that.

So he leaned back.

Magnus let him go immediately. There wasn’t any second where his arms resisted releasing Alec. The instant Alec moved the slightest bit back from his chest, Magnus let him go.

If he wasn’t getting the chance to hold Alec, then Magnus seemed to decide to take the opportunity to scrutinize his face, “Do you feel better, Alexander? Is there something else I can do to make you feel safer?”

He shrugged uncomfortably. “I believe you.”

Magnus gave him a small, sad smile, “But you don’t trust me, not really.”

“I do,” Alec protested weakly. He felt a flush warm his cheeks.

The warlock stood up and brushed the backs of his fingers down Alec’s reddened skin, “I promise you, one day – no matter what comes in the future or however we get through this – you will trust me again.”

“I will do everything in my power to earn it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some broken bond parabatai angst for you all :) 
> 
> Next up: Izzy finally gets to talk to her not dead big brother


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the support for this story, I'm so incredibly grateful!!!

* * *

**Chapter Fourteen**

* * *

Alec didn’t know – _couldn’t_ know with the block still over his memories – but he was sure that he hadn’t ever slept so much in his entire life. It was as if his body knew that he could finally sleep deeply because he was safe and it wasn’t letting him do anything but.

Magnus kept telling him it was a good thing. Alec wasn’t so sure.

What he _did_ know was that Magnus wasn’t going to try to fix his memories until he was better… so he was going to be better.

Laying around in bed all day wasn’t convincing anyone that he was strong enough to start taking down the block in his head. He was going to get up; he was going to prove that he wasn’t weak.

Alec sat up against the heap of pillows and realized that Izzy had curled herself at the end of the bed on the corner diagonal from where he was. It didn’t look really comfortable but she was smaller than him so maybe it was.

As quietly as he was capable, Alec lifted the covers and slid his legs out from under them, trying his best not to shift anything that she was laying on.

His first thought was to go into the bathroom. That was maybe always going to be his first thought.

If he needed somewhere safe to think without people seeing him, his mind went there. He had seen Magnus’ bathroom was attached to the bedroom from when people went to refill his water glass for him. That wouldn’t be too far to walk, just to test out his ankle. Besides, he hadn’t… _gone to the bathroom_ in days and he…

Didn’t need to go?

Alec literally froze with that realization.

Was there a spell for that?

He didn’t want to know, he decided. Whatever bed-rest spell Magnus was using to do that was stopping now. He could walk to the toilet himself.

Alec stood warily, putting more weight on his good leg instead of his bad one. The pain was still there and, as he gave over a little more weight onto his bad foot, it still didn’t feel super stable but it was better. Much better.

He gingerly limped towards the bathroom door and shut it softly behind him.

He was alone.

Not really, he knew that. It was the same as back in his apartment – just because there was another door between him and everything else didn’t mean that anything determined and powerful wouldn’t stay on the other side of it. He was living with four determined and powerful things.

He wasn’t unaware that he was the weakest thing in this loft.

For now though, he just wanted a moment to breathe.

With a frankly huge mirror right in front of him, Alec could finally get a real look at his side. He pulled the side of his shirt up and saw a bandage over the wound, so he carefully picked at the tape holding it down before peeling up the bottom of the bandage to see underneath.

_Oh,_ Alec thought with a relieved sigh, _it looked so much better_.

The skin wasn’t nearly so inflamed and though it was still red and raw looking, it seemed to be healing really well. The wound had closed itself, which seemed impossible in such a short amount of time. Magic, he supposed.

Either way, if something went wrong with Magnus and he needed to leave, he wasn’t nearly as likely to drop dead from the lack of care to the wound. Alec could keep this going himself, especially with his backpack.

He carefully smoothed down the bandage and fixed the tape. That was a massive relief. Obviously he knew he _felt_ better but seeing it actually _was_ better and that Alec just wasn’t feeling less pain solely because of whatever potions Magnus had given him was great. 

From there he splashed some cool water on his face and took advantage of some of the many, _many_ , products in the room. Not a real shower, he didn’t think he could stand long enough and it would be too weird anyway, but enough grooming to make him feel more human again.

Although, were Shadowhunters actually considered humans? What was he now that he wasn’t really one anymore?

He still had some stuff to figure out.

He wasn’t sure how much time had gone by but as much as he would have liked to stay, there wasn’t anywhere but the toilet to sit and his ankle had started shaking under him.

Hobbling back to bed sounded not fun.

There wasn’t any choice about it though, so he cracked the door open and found Izzy still sleeping. _Good_.

The first step he took without a hand on the counter was eye-opening. He lurched to the side as his ankle gave under his weight and caught himself on the door frame. That had hurt. That hurt _a lot_.

He gripped the frame and tried to breathe through the sharp pangs going through his foot all the way up his calf. Shit, he had maybe overdone it for the first time standing. How pathetic was he that just fifteen or so minutes of messing around in the bathroom was sending hot waves of pain through him?

“Alec?”

Izzy’s sleepy, confused voice just added another layer of misery to his predicament.

“You’re up!” Izzy exclaimed. Then, after a second where she presumably woke up more and caught up with what was going on, “By the Angel, why are you up?”

“Bathroom.” He said tightly. It was only when he felt her small hands against his skin that he realized he had clenched his eyes shut. He opened them and found her standing right in front of him worriedly.

“You should have woken me.” She scolded. “Come on, let’s get you back to the bed.”

What he really wanted was to go out to the living room and see it for himself. He wanted Magnus to see him up and about.

Right this second though, he knew it wasn’t possible. He needed to sit badly so he peeled himself from the doorframe and let Izzy duck under his arm to lead him the three steps to the opposite side of the bed that he usually was on. He sat and immediately propped himself up on the headboard. From there, he brought his bad leg up on the bed and stretched it out. It still hurt but not having any weight on it eased some of the pain.

“Let me go get Magnus.” Izzy said once he was settled.

“No!” Alec caught her arm, “Please, just give me a minute.”

Her disapproval was clear but she didn’t move any closer to the door so Alec relaxed and let her go. He pointed at the edge of the bed, “Sit?”

“Are you trying to bribe me with bonding time with my big brother so I won’t go squeal to Magnus that you’re walking when you shouldn’t be?” Izzy sat down and curled her legs under her, “Because it’s working.”

It was a good idea except he didn’t really know what to say. Well, maybe, “Jace explained a lot about the _parabatai stuff_.”

“He told me that but it’s good to hear it from you too.” Izzy was smiling, “Did it help at all?”

Alec shrugged, “Kind of, I think.”

“I’d offer to fill in any blanks but I don’t know if there’s much I could add that he couldn’t.” Izzy admitted, “Especially about this. I’ve never heard of a situation like this where a _parabatai_ bond was destroyed while the bonded pair was still alive.”

There _was_ a question that he could ask her about _parabatai_ that he wouldn’t dare ask Jace, “Is there any way to fix it?”

“The bond being broken? Angel, Alec, I’ve been thinking about it. I mean, we don’t know who did this and that puts a lot of questions in the air. Let’s say this wasn’t Clave approved-”

“Oh wait,” He interrupted apologetically, “What is the Clave?”

Izzy gave him a loaded look, “The Clave is the organization who controls Shadowhunters and pretty much the entire Downworld. It’s run by a Consul. Most major cities have what we call an Institute. It’s the base of operations for that area’s Shadowhunters. We live there, work there, it’s pretty much home. Each Institute is run by a Head. _You_ are the Head of the New York Institute, or at least you were before this. Essentially, you’re the authority in the New York Shadow World, although we have to operate within Clave laws. I’m your Weapons Master and Jace is your Deputy.”

He literally didn’t know what to say.

_He_ was in charge of a whole city of Shadowhunters?

Izzy wasn’t done yet though, not by a long shot, “Currently, the Consul is Jia Penhallow and thankfully she’s a pretty fair woman. That makes me believe that this wasn’t on her order. She’s not one for shadowy games. She’s very into integrity and transparency, at least by Clave standards. The Lightwoods are an older family. Not as powerful as we once were, but not insignificant either. You’re the oldest son, that’s important. Besides, Jace’s family is incredibly important. The Herondales are practically royalty. To do this to you would potentially kill Jace. That’s really big.” She looked like she was gearing up to say more so Alec just sort of waved his hand at her.

“Stop me when you have questions. Sorry, I’m all over the place.” Izzy flushed.

“It’s okay,” Alec said, and it was. There was a lot that he needed to know that she had never had to explain to him before, so he could see how she kept using words and terms that he didn’t know. “Why is Jace’s family different from ours if we’re siblings?”

“Oh,” Izzy said, “That’s easy, he’s our adopted brother. His history is kind of complicated but he came to us when we thought he was orphaned as a child. We’ve been inseparable ever since.”

Well, that explained why Jace looked so different. He had kind of just figured that Izzy and him favored one side of the family and Jace another.

Izzy bit her lip a second before adding, “This is a little off track but I want to explain anyway. It’s you, Jace, me and then we have a little brother named Max. He’s twelve, still in training. He’s going to be pissed that we all knew you were alive and we didn’t immediately tell him but he’s safer in the dark right now so that’s what Jace and I decided to do. Our parents don’t know either. I genuinely don’t think they had anything to do with this but they’re higher ranking within the Clave. I just… the smaller the circle is until we know more about what’s happened, the safer you are.”

Jace and Izzy – a brother and a sister – were so impossible to believe could be his that he hadn’t really even stepped back and wondered about parents. That Izzy didn’t one hundred percent trust them said a lot. “Okay, whatever you think is best.”

Izzy looked relieved, “Good, I’m glad you’re okay with it. I promise to talk to you before I tell anyone else about you, okay?”

“Thank you.”

“Okay,” Izzy took a deep breath, “Back to your question: fixing your runes and the _parabatai_ bond. I don’t think that Jia Penhallow ordered you deruned and exiled. That’s good, that’s _really_ good potentially. She’s in charge, so she can order it reversed. There’s an Order of Nephilim – Shadowhunters – who we call the Silent Brothers. I’ll get into them if I have to another time. For now, the important part is that they _can_ restore runes that were ruined through injury or curse. I’ve never heard of someone being entirely deruned and then _re_ -runed but I think the principal is the same. I’ve done some research as quietly as I can. I think they could do it. I don’t know about the _parabatai_ rune – whether it can just be restored like the rest or you and Jace would need to do the ceremony again. I can’t say for totally certain but I think in either scenario the bond could be restored.”

Izzy hesitated a second before continuing, “There’s a whole different set of questions that go along with the damage that breaking it did to your souls but near as I can tell, having the bond back would stabilize you guys. I don’t know if it would feel any different or not but I know Jace would take anything he could get and of course you would have to weigh that for yourself.”

There was so much to think about that his head was practically spinning.

He had questions, a lot more questions, about it but it didn’t seem like Isabelle would have any hard answers. Mostly informed guesses. That was okay, he believed her when she said his case was unusual if not unprecedented.

But he needed to think about what she had said.

In the meanwhile, her explanation about Jia Penhallow brought something else to the top of his list.

“You don’t think it was the Consul.” Alec looked at Izzy carefully, wanting to make sure he saw any changes in the look on her face, “So then who do you think it was?”

Izzy sighed and shut her eyes, “Honestly Alec, Clary and I were investigating your ‘death’ even before we found out you’re alive.”

“What?” Alec stared at her, “You thought I was alive and…”

“No!” Izzy’s eyes snapped open and she reached out for him, curling her hand around his neck so she could make him meet her eyes, “No, I didn’t know you were alive. I thought you were dead for the same reason everyone thought you were dead. Jace and the broken bond.”

She let him go quickly, probably remembering her own declaration that he was wary of their touches and they needed to be respectful of that. “I don’t know if Magnus or Jace made it clear or not but _parabatai_ bonds are _sacred_ to us. They’re a serious, serious commitment and there are all sorts of accommodations given to bonded pairs. That someone purposefully broke the bond between you and Jace is literally its own crime. There will be people, especially in the older generations, who will be more angry about what happened to your bond than what happened to you yourself. Mostly those people are anti-Downworlder bigots who don’t like your progressive stance but still, the point stands.”

“So,” Izzy continued like she wasn’t blowing his mind, “It never occurred to me that you hadn’t been killed. The idea that someone would do that to your bond was unfathomable, especially coupled with the circumstances and your bow being found in the fire. Then on top of that, the idea that someone would risk doing that to a Herondale… the penalties would be so much harsher for them if they were caught.”

Alec wasn’t sure what she had been talking about before with the investigation if she didn’t think that he was maybe still alive. “Then why were you investigating?”

Izzy sighed and gave him a sad look, “Honestly, I thought you were assassinated. I thought it was some group that was against Downworlders and they wanted to take you out because you were getting too influential. I thought that Jace was collateral damage and that he was put outside the fire on purpose.”

Alec tried to work his way through the idea that he had been someone so… _powerful?_ … that his own sister thought that people might have wanted him dead. It didn’t seem right. How could he have been as _influential_ and _progressive_ like his sister said? It seemed like madness.

It made _him_ feel particularly useless.

“The day of the fire, the Institute was dealing with a ridiculous volume of demonic activity.” Izzy said quietly and carefully.

It was hard, being with these people who could read his face so easily.

“It was an intense few days, Alec. All sorts of things, demons that we hadn’t seen in years, Downworlders not even from our state, let alone the city.” Izzy explained, “Clary and I uncovered that a lot of those things were actually orchestrated. Jace and a few others in the Institute had been looking for a pattern but the attacks were random. Not confined to a particular area or anything else that could be used to figure anything out. I might not have looked any deeper if I hadn’t of talked to the Head of Salt Lake City’s Institute who called to give his condolences. He mentioned to me that he was sorry that one of his problems had contributed to the chaos we were dealing with. When I asked him what he meant, he said that he saw a report listing a werewolf from his area as having been killed after attacking in our city. A werewolf that he had _thought_ his people turned over to the Clave but he figured something had gone wrong with the transfer and someone in his Institute was hiding their fuck up.”

Alec shrugged, not sure what she was trying to make him understand, “So?”

“So, why did a werewolf given over to Clave custody in Utah end up attacking Mundanes in New York City in less than twenty four hours? Werewolves that have gone feral typically don’t have the human ability to book a plane ticket, get through security, take a multi-hour flight and land in New York still so drunk on bloodlust that they kill people.” Izzy answered. “It made no sense.”

Okay, he could follow that logic, “You think the Clave brought him here?”

“I don’t think the Clave as an organization did. I think someone who works within the Clave and has access to prisoners did it to create yet another report to flood the system. When Clary and I started digging, we saw more inconsistencies like that. Demons summoned that were the specialty of a warlock in Clave custody. Vampire dens driven to a blood frenzy when they had never been a problem before. More and more things that seemed like someone had injected the city with violence to completely overwhelm the Institute.” Izzy’s voice had started coming out in a rapid rush, like she was almost selling him on the truth she felt she had uncovered. Was it because she was just passionate about it or was it because she was used to talking out complicated problems with her brother like this?

Alec stayed silent a moment, wanting to let her finish what she was trying to get across to him.

“We were all going on so many missions we were exhausted. Injuries were taking people out at a rate that was crippling us. You, as Head of Institute, don’t normally take minor missions anymore unless you’re bored or you get intense about protecting Jace and I.” Izzy continued. “You’re one of our best fighters though, so it was inevitable that you would get called into the ranks to join eventually.” Then, she hesitated.

“Don’t stop now,” Alec said. He tried to sound encouraging but he wasn’t sure he had managed to pull it off.

“Four times a mission in an abandoned building involving a warlock came up.” Izzy said, “Four times, Alec! Other missions repeated, of course they did, but none came up four times with a linked Downworlder and location. Two times the teams came back and said that nothing had been at the location. That _was_ happening occasionally. False alarms, I mean, or the demon wasn’t there anymore. Once the team fought a warlock that got away. The Shadowhunters on those teams said that it was dark, they couldn’t see the warlock well and the battle was unusually short. Like the warlock just gave up and ran. Suspicious, but when there were dozens of missions happening a day no one was really looking that gift horse in the mouth, you know what I mean?”

“Why would a mission in an abandoned building involving a warlock be so important to keep repeating?” He asked in confusion.

Izzy gave him a look like she thought he was endearingly dim, “Who in that entire Institute might have cause to care about warlocks?”

Apparently he _was_ dim, considering he was crashing in a warlock’s home. Alec flushed a little, “I get it.”

“You took warlock missions more than any other kinds. I think you were always afraid of letting something bad happen on your watch, of putting Magnus in a tough position.” Izzy said a little more gently, “People would of course notice. Someone used that against you. Flooding New York with mission after mission until our ranks were depleted. Tailor making a mission that you would be interested in taking, if you had to go out and fight.”

The more Izzy explained the more he understood why she thought there was something suspicious about the entire situation. “So someone with access to Clave prisoners orchestrated flooding New York with as many problems as they could, while being clever enough not to make it obvious or traceable. That person created four of the same mission in the hopes that I would show up?”

“Exactly,” Izzy nodded vigorously, “All abandoned buildings that could easily burn to the ground with no witnesses.”

It made sense. The case she was building was pretty solid. He still couldn’t deal with the idea that he had been assassination worthy. At least it was apparently because he was trying to fight for people like Magnus who were good and kind and just had different blood.

“When we find out who did this to you, at least we’ll already have all of this research and evidence to back us up.” Izzy said, “That’ll help us get you your runes back.”

Alec was quiet for a moment. She was speaking about all of this so rationally, so methodically. Jace did the opposite. Should he tell her what Jace had said?

“What?” Izzy nudged his arm, “You’ve got your brooding face on.”

He looked at her and found that while the words were teasing, her expression was serious. “Jace said… he said that when he found out who did it, he’d make them pay with his bare hands.”

Izzy didn’t look surprised. She didn’t even look particularly concerned. “I’m sure he’ll try at least. He might even get to, there’s precedent for allowing a _parabatai_ to take personal responsibility for carrying out sentences done against their bonded. I don’t think… no one who saw him after he woke up would try and stop him. Which means depending on how this goes, you, me and Clary might have to.”

Jace only spoke about that – waking up and realizing he was ‘dead’ – in the barest terms. There was some part of him that wanted to know more about it and then there was another huge part of him that wanted to know absolutely nothing.

But if he wanted to trust these people, wouldn’t it help to know?

“He said you woke him up.” He said it quietly and he did his best to make sure he didn’t end the sentence with a questioning sound. If she didn’t want to say, she didn’t have to. She had talked so much and helped him understand so much he wouldn’t demand this of her too. Besides, _they_ weren’t demanding _he_ talk about San Francisco, so he had no right to make his own demands.

Izzy let out a deep breath and her eyes slipped from his face to stare at something beyond him. “I was so frantic because the fire was just _raging_ and Jace was too close to it and I couldn’t find you. I should have looked at his rune first and gotten him out of there before anyone got him awake. I shouldn’t have…”

“You didn’t know.” Alec said but comforting someone else wasn’t something he really knew how to do. He _wanted_ to though, so that had to count for something.

“I should have known. Where else would you be if not at Jace’s side?” Izzy didn’t let it go. “Maybe I didn’t want to think about it. The second Jace opened his eyes, I knew. He was screaming and fighting us to get in the building even though it was a complete inferno. He wasn’t… we couldn’t _talk_ to him. He didn’t hear us or anything. He wasn’t even screaming your name or at us to let him go. He was just _screaming._ One of the others knocked him out. I don’t know who. I should have done it but…”

When Alec had woken up in the loft that first day, he remembered Magnus telling him first about Izzy. That he wanted Alec to understand that even without the soul bond, she was devastated to have lost him. Alec believed him but it was different seeing it. This was maybe the first time he was even getting a glimpse of it.

Izzy had been so sweet and strong this entire time. Not that these last few days had been some massive amount of time, but he only saw her being strong for Jace or strong for Magnus or being incredibly kind to him.

Was talking about this helping? Magnus had wanted to talk about his nightmare, offering to listen if it would help. And Magnus had wanted to talk about why he was worried about demons looking for him might hurt them. He said if he understood he could help.

Alec didn’t know Izzy well enough to _really_ help her. If he did the wrong thing, something that her real brother wouldn’t have done or would have known was wrong, that would just make things harder for her, right?

Being quiet though, he could do that. He could let her talk.

“I think I was on autopilot or something. There were things I needed to do and it just didn’t feel real. Like I could see that Jace’s rune was gone and I could see the warehouse falling to pieces, collapsing in on itself while it burned, but it just didn’t seem real, you know?” Izzy’s voice sounded more confused than anything else.

She was playing with that weird snake bracelet that she always wore, her fingers tracing almost obsessively over each scale and twist of the metal.

“I called Dad and obviously I didn’t want to say it over the phone. I told him we needed him and Mom to portal over right away and he said they were busy.” The laugh she let out made Alec angry for her. For the Izzy who had asked and had been told that they weren’t important enough, “I got so mad. I insisted though, still not saying why and he was just like ‘ _Sorry honey, there’s an important Clave meeting in twenty and we can’t miss it.’_ And I just blurted it out. That you were dead and we’d sedated Jace. He got so quiet. I don’t… I should feel bad about that. About saying it to him like that. I don’t though. Maybe that means I’m an awful daughter but I’m not sorry.”

If he remembered his parents, would he be mad at her for telling them like that? Would Alec with his memory have scolded her for it?

He hoped not.

“He said he would tell our Mom and Max. I told him just to tell Mom, that I would go to Max. I hadn’t even thought about telling him yet. My call to them was kind of… All I could think about was going to Magnus. I had woken Clary up – she had been injured on one of the missions and was resting – and she was with Jace and she kept asking me what I needed. I said I needed her to take care of him and not to leave his side even a minute. I knew… I knew what he might do. Clary opened me a portal to Magnus and I was talking to them outside in his hall because I was so afraid someone else would get to Magnus first.” Then Izzy’s whole face fell and she dropped her head into her hands.

Alec didn’t know what to do. His sister was a foot away from him crying so hard it was moving her shoulders in deep sobs.

But Izzy wasn’t making a single noise. Just a few sharp, barely audible breaths as she pulled in as much air as she could.

Alec reached out slowly, not sure if touching her was the right thing or not. When he laid his hand on her shoulder, she looked at him so quickly he nearly flinched in surprise.

Izzy tried to speak but the words came out in a breathless jumble. _Sorry_ mashed into _I know you don’t_ before trailing off into _hug?_

Without thought, Alec tugged her forward until her head was pressed to his shoulder. Izzy practically collapsed onto him, wrapping her arms around his neck and clinging as she tried to stop herself crying.

“I’m sorry.” She said as if sobbing was something to apologize for.

“You don’t have to be sorry.” Alec said back.

Izzy tried to pull in a deeper breath but it came out in another too fast rush of words. “I went in the loft and I saw him and I hadn’t even said anything yet but it just got _so real_ , Alec.”

Alec just squeezed his arms around her tighter.

“He was smiling at first and the only thing I could think was that I was about to break him. I didn’t have to say anything. I just looked at him and he _knew_ and…” The words broke down again, mixing with tears so much he couldn’t understand her anymore.

“It’s okay,” Alec said, even though none of that was. Not what she had gone through and not what she had been forced to say to all these people who loved him, “I’m still here. You don’t have to say anything else if you don’t want.”

Maybe he shouldn’t have said that but Izzy just sagged against him, like she was done. It felt like the right thing to say. She had said enough for now. Hopefully he had helped in some small way.

After a few more seconds of pressing close to him, she pulled back reluctantly. “I’m sorry,” She said again.

Alec shook his head, “Why should you be sorry?”

“I know you don’t like us to touch you.” Izzy reached to the bedside table and grabbed a tissue to try and blot at her eyes.

“I don’t mind.” Alec said and was maybe more surprised than her to realize he meant it.

“I probably look like a drowned rat.” Izzy laughed as she stood up and turned away from him to go to Mangus’ vanity. It seemed like an attempt to get herself together without having him watch and he didn’t begrudge her the opportunity.

“You don’t,” Alec assured her a little awkwardly. He got a snort in response to the attempt.

While Izzy tried to fix her face or whatever she was doing, Alec carefully rotated his foot to see how it felt. Somewhere in the middle of their conversation, his focus had been taken entirely by Izzy. The pain had died back down but it was still there, warning him not to try walking again.

Except…

“Do you think you could help me walk?” Alec asked her. When she met his eyes in the mirror with an eyebrow raised he added, “Please?”

Izzy rolled her eyes at him before standing, “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Alec.”

“Just out to the living room, that’s not far, is it?”

That got him a hard stare while she planted her hands on her hips. “If I help you out there now, do you promise not to try by yourself anymore until Magnus is able to completely heal your ankle?”

“Okay,” He promised mostly because he didn’t think going far on his own was currently possible and also because they were just promising about the living room. She hadn’t said anything about the bathroom.

Izzy fixed him with such a look that he nearly ducked his head down to avoid it. It was like she knew what he was thinking and wanted to make him _feel_ her disapproval.

Still, she came around to his side and helped him swing his legs around and stand. Just taking his ankle from being elevated to upright felt like a mistake but he was standing, the room wasn’t spinning and there wasn’t any sign that his ankle was going to just outright collapse under him.

Izzy sighed again, like she thought he was a massive idiot.

They hobbled their way to the door. Alec put the least amount of weight possible on Izzy at first, mostly just using her for balance. Then, she said out of the blue about four steps in, “You know I fight demons, right?”

“Um, yes?”

“So why are you treating me like some fragile flower?” She didn’t _sound_ offended but he wasn’t really sure. “Lean on me.”

For the next couple of steps, he leaned some of his weight on her. When she didn’t fall over or something, he leaned a little more.

Once they got out into the main area of the loft, he could hear Magnus’ voice talking about something that he couldn’t quite make out.

“You’re up!” Clary called over excitedly once they came into view. She and Jace were sitting on a couch together across from Magnus.

Magnus seemed less excited. “Alec!” He came rushing over and ducked under Alec’s other arm, even though that leg was walking fine. “Isabelle, what are you doing?”

“He was getting antsy. I found him trying it himself so I figured if I didn’t help he’d just try later on his own.” Izzy answered with some serious false innocence in her voice.

They brought him over to one of the couches and let him drop down onto it slowly. In seconds, Magnus had a pillow on the coffee table and was coaxing Alec to lift his foot onto it. Once he had his foot properly elevated, Magnus crouched down beside it to assess with magic.

That only seemed to amp up Magnus’ fussing, “You’ve stressed the fractures and it’s all swelling up again.”

“Sorry,” Alec said sincerely. He didn’t want to make Magnus’ job of healing him any harder. He just also couldn’t lay in bed all day any more.

Magnus just sighed and the magic switched from assessing to healing. The cooling lick of it enveloping his ankle was welcome and he sagged a little in his seat with relief.

“Now that your side is doing better, we should be able to get some real work done on your ankle,” Magnus said, “I’ve hated leaving it but the infection was so much more important to get cleared up.”

“It’s okay.” Alec promised him, “I looked at the wound a little while ago, thank you for everything you’ve done to heal it.”

Magnus shifted a little uncomfortably but not overtly so. He didn’t want Alec to thank him for healing him?

“You’re very welcome, darling.” Was all that he said.

Alec wanted to know what to say to put him at ease. What to say to put them all at ease. He wanted the conversation to change from him and his health and what had been done to him but he didn’t know enough about their lives or their world to actually say anything that would accomplish anything.

What did people _talk_ about?

The silence dragged.

“Simon texted me,” Clary said suddenly. She was looking at Izzy when she said it but almost immediately she turned to Alec to explain, “Simon is my best friend. He’s a vampire.” Then she turned back to Izzy and gave her a playful kind of smirk, “He was asking about you.”

“I’m sorry, what?” Magnus looked between the two.

Izzy flushed, which seemed out of place on her. Why he felt that way, he couldn’t really say. “Simon has been really kind. We, um, we’ve been…”

“Kissing.” Clary said.

“No!” Izzy half shouted immediately. “No kissing. We’ve been _talking_.”

Jace looked sort of alarmed, which was notable mostly because he seemed to mostly switch between his dead stare, internal screaming or violent rage. “Simon. You’re _talking_ to Simon.” He said the word _talking_ like it was something wildly dirty.

“He said you didn’t text him back yesterday so he was just checking in to make sure you were okay.” Clary continued.

“You can stop talking anytime now, Clary.” Izzy pretty much grumbled.

Magnus just laughed, “No, let her continue. She’s doing you a favor breaking this news while Alec couldn’t care less.” The warlock turned to him and said, “Simon talks a lot. Almost incessantly sometimes. You find him very exhausting.”

“There is no news to be broken and Simon doesn’t talk too much!” Izzy cut in.

Jace’s eyes widened, “ _Simon doesn’t talk too much?_ ”

Izzy winced.

“Oh my god, Izzy!” Clary squealed. The sound of it made Alec want to curl his shoulders up defensively.

Magnus noticed and gently patted his knee.

“You really do like him!” Clary continued, “I was like, teasing, but you actually like him!”

Izzy sort of sputtered at that and even though Alec hadn’t know her for long the only thing he could think was _busted!_

Magnus turned his face from her to hide his smile. He caught Alec’s eye with a little wink, like they were having their own little conversation in the middle of the group. It felt weirdly good, connecting with Magnus.

Alec didn’t wink back, he wasn’t smooth enough for that, but he gave Magnus a little smile that seemed to delight the warlock. His hidden smile widened, like Alec had just given him a gift. There was a sweetness in his eyes that Alec felt like he could get lost in.

It made him feel _warm_.

Their conversation kept flowing around him and though he didn’t really have anything to add, the important part was that he felt like could if he wanted to. He felt like they _wanted_ to hear what he might like to say. No matter what the topic was, after they eventually moved away from whoever Simon was and whatever might be brewing between him and Izzy, if there was something involved that he might not know one of them stopped to explain it to him. He never felt lost for more than a second or two before someone rushed to include him.

Through all of it, it seemed like Izzy and Clary were blazing light. Izzy giggled sort of like she had only just remembered how and loved the feel of it. Clary was bubbly and sweet. She was sort of a lot to deal with because she laughed loudly and talked quickly but he found himself minding less the more he got used to her.

Even Jace seemed like he was managing to relax as much as he was capable of.

It was Magnus who kept his attention the most though. Mostly because _he_ was what _Magnus_ was paying most attention to. Even when Magnus was talking to the others, he didn’t stray far from Alec’s side. It was as though everything Magnus was doing tied back to him.

Any moment Alec felt the slightest bit uncomfortable, Magnus was there. If any injury or scar flared even the tiniest bit, Magnus was soothing it. If Alec’s voice sounded a little hoarse, Magnus gave him a glass of water.

Never, _never_ , did he think another person could be so in tune with him.

He didn’t think such a thing was possible.

He and Magnus weren’t even really _talking_ to each other. It wasn’t like they were having some important one on one emotional conversation or anything. There was no reason for Magnus to be so attentive and kind.

And there was no reason for the look in Magnus’ eye when he looked at Alec.

Except all of it was there, plain to see for anyone paying even a little bit of attention.

The last of Alec’s doubts about these people sort of faded away. All that was left was a desperate need to please them and an overwhelming gratitude.

He wasn’t sure who he had been before to inspire such love and devotion and though he couldn’t claim any credit for it, he was still proud to have it.

They loved him and that was _everything._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the chapter! I would love to know what you think :)


	15. Chapter Fifteen

* * *

**Chapter Fifteen**

* * *

When Alec said, “I want to try today.” Magnus barely reacted.

This was the day that Magnus had promised they would talk about it. Alec had dutifully not asked at all yesterday.

When Magnus said nothing, Alec added, “I feel better. Like way better.”

And that was true. His wound barely bothered him anymore and now that it was healed down to a red scar, Magnus was putting more magic towards his ankle. He could walk now without it doing much more than starting to ache if he stood for too long. Not that anyone actually _let_ him stand for too long but still.

When he ate, he did it less ravenously because his stomach wasn’t constantly burning and empty. He wasn’t falling asleep in the blink of an eye anymore either, which was nice. He was still tired a lot, especially after Magnus worked on his ankle, but he didn’t feel like he was bone deep exhausted anymore.

He might have said all of that to Magnus, except he had been carefully dropping those hints all yesterday.

He had managed to keep his mouth shut through breakfast with his siblings and Clary. Jace had slept beside him for part of the night before leaving to go do something that left him looking bruised this morning. Clary and Izzy weren’t happy but they also weren’t saying much about it. Now, the three of them had gone to hole up somewhere else in the loft and Alec was alone with Magnus feeling jittery and _ready_.

“Is this because of your brother?” Magnus asked finally, “Because it’s true that Jace is struggling, but I don’t want to rush into a painful mental procedure because of it. Jace will be okay. He went too hard training last night, that’s all. Izzy and Clary will help him.”

Alec was about to say that it wasn’t because of Jace but that wasn’t really true either. He hesitated before saying, “It’s everything. Jace too but not just him. I want to try, Magnus.”

Magnus had been flitting around the kitchen, cleaning up some things the regular way and some things by magic. Boxing up leftovers by hand, vanishing scraps off plates and washing a few dishes before snapping the rest clean. Alec watched from his barstool as Magnus shut the refrigerator with a sigh, “Let’s talk it through first.”

“You go in my head like before and break the block.” Alec said as Magnus came to stand on the other side of the island from him, “It’ll hurt. It might take you more than one try.”

That just got him a sigh, “On a very simplistic level, yes I suppose you’re correct. I would rather we really go in depth so you know what to expect.”

“Okay,” Alec agreed seriously. There was pretty much nothing that Magnus could say that would convince him he didn’t want to try today but more information wasn’t a bad thing and if it made Magnus feel more confident or comfortable to explain then Alec was happy to let him.

“How would you tear down a wall, Alec? An actual physical wall?” Magnus asked.

Alec shrugged, “A hammer or something?”

Magnus smiled, “A hammer swung very hard would get you a small hole. A whole wall would take you a very long time. You would need something more than that. Think a sledgehammer or a battering ram. Something forceful and violent.”

“But faster.” Alec countered because he saw where Magnus was going with the analogy. “More painful but faster.”

The warlock tilted his head to concede the point, “I’ll have to be that battering ram, Alec. And of course I’ll do everything in my power to take down that wall with minimal pain to you but my bigger concern is doing it without damage. If I have to, I’ll choose to cause you more pain than cause you a brain injury. And of course that’s the only choice I _can_ make but it…”

“I’m not the only one who will be in pain,” Alec finished for him, “I understand, Magnus.”

Magnus gave him a strange look, “I don’t think you do.” He said quietly.

Alec didn’t know what to say to that.

“In any event, there will be pain.” Magnus said briskly, breaking out of whatever he had been thinking before. “That pain isn’t just in your head. By that I mean what I’m doing will be actual, physical trauma and won’t just be something you _think_ is happening but actually isn’t. When I said you needed to recover, I didn’t just mean in terms of stamina or something. I meant your body would be actually, literally stressed by what I’m to do. I’m going to have Izzy there monitoring your vitals and if you hit certain thresholds, we’re stopping. I don’t care how close I am to finishing, we’re stopping. It’s non-negotiable, darling.”

A big part of him wanted to understand those thresholds that Magnus was talking about so that he could haggle on them. He wanted to expand whatever Magnus thought was too much to give him the best chance possible to have this block broken.

But if something went seriously wrong trying to fix his memories… That was a real possibility that Alec wasn’t going to discount.

Having his memory back wasn’t going to mean much if he had a stroke in the process.

“All right,” Alec agreed reluctantly, “I understand.”

Magnus seemed relieved he wasn’t going to fight. “I fully anticipate this will take a few sessions to complete. Do _not_ go into this thinking that you’ll have your memory completely restored by the end. You will not.”

“But we can try today?”

It seemed like Magnus really didn’t want to answer, which probably meant it was a yes. Alec smiled at him.

“Fine,” Magnus said in a way that suggested he already sort of regretted it, “But like I said, we’re stopping at the first sign of trouble.”

Alec stood eagerly, “When can we start?”

**\---**

Between Izzy and Magnus standing together talking about things like heart rate and blood pressure, Clary sitting on Jace’s lap in an attempt to keep him from freaking out if Alec looked like he was in pain and Jace himself staring at Alec with his internally screaming look firmly back in place, Alec was getting a little less sure about this whole thing.

And he could call it off, he knew that. Magnus had said so about twenty times so far. They’d given him both verbal and non-verbal ways to immediately tap out of it and literally made him practice just in case.

They were taking this so seriously.

“You feeling good, big brother?” Izzy asked as she broke away from Magnus to come stand at his side.

Alec had been asked a variation on that question what felt like a thousand times. He couldn’t really blame them though, not after what they’d been through. “I’m good. I’m ready.”

It was the same answer he kept giving but if they needed to keep hearing it then he would keep saying it.

Izzy turned then to Jace, who looked less good. “Blink, Jace.”

Jace shot her a look that was so snarky, Izzy barked out a startled laugh.

“I know Magnus says that Alec won’t get his memory back after this first time but I still want to talk about what happens after he _does_ remember.” Izzy was saying it to all three of them but her focus was mostly on Jace. Then she added straight to him, “Jace, if this works and Alec gets his memories back, we need to give him a chance to breathe before we start interrogating him and no matter what he remembers about how this happened, we need to think rationally and make a plan, not just rush off, okay?” There was something in Izzy’s eyes that made Alec’s chest tightened nervously. She knew something, or at least she had a strong guess.

What she was saying was smart but Jace didn’t look particularly convinced. They all knew exactly what he wanted to do when he found out who to direct all his rage and pain towards.

“Jace?” Clary put her hand to his cheek to try to direct his attention up to her, “Izzy is right.”

His brother sighed, “Fine. No rushing off.”

“You promise?” Izzy pressed.

“I promise.” Jace said to her, although he looked at Alec when he said it.

That seemed to be Magnus’ cue to come forward and before he could ask the question again, Alec said, “I’m ready.”

Magnus gave him a small, fond smile. Then he held his hand out in front of Alec, palm facing him, and slowly dragged it down in the air in front of him until he hit mid-chest. A blue sheet hung in the air before it coalesced into numbers and tallies that Alec wasn’t really sure of. Izzy seemed to be though, so he figured those were his vitals or something. His sister studied the readouts carefully.

Then Magnus prompted him to open his mouth. Confused, Alec obeyed. A wash of cool magic later and he was allowed to close it.

“Just something to protect your teeth in case you clench your jaw too hard.” Magnus said with a tight smile.

If that wasn’t a good hint about how much pain he was apparently going to be in then he didn’t know what was.

Instead of letting that spook him, he just nodded and turned to face forward. Izzy was focused and Jace was Jace but at least Clary gave him an encouraging smile.

Alec shut his eyes and started breathing the way that Magnus had coached him on before. There were a long few moments of just that before Magnus’ fingers pressed to his temples. Only because he had been expecting it did he not flinch this time. Bad enough he was making the man who had loved him once tear his head open when Magnus clearly wasn’t ready, he wasn’t going to add in making him think Alec was scared too.

The cycle of his slow, deep breathing calmed him. He realized his hands were clenched around the seat of the chair and he tried to let himself relax.

When he felt Magnus’ mental touch, he didn’t react.

If Magnus had started, Alec wasn’t feeling anything out of the ordinary. Maybe he was just looking again? Thinking about his plan of attack? Hopefully he was finding that the block wasn’t as –

The pain slammed into him so hard it took his breath away.

A strangled noise came out of him that didn’t even sound human.

“Breathe, Alec,” Izzy’s voice was so distant.

_Oh god, oh god, fuck it hurts…_

Izzy said as two hands went to his knees, “Alec, you have to breathe or we’re stopping.”

_No!_

The thought that it took to pull in half a breath through his nose…

Letting it out took even more effort.

The pain was violent. It was sharp. It was _ripping._

_The Forsaken were pounding the door so hard the metal was denting._

_“Oh good, they’re excited to see us!”_

_Alec shot a look at his sister. She was too gleeful about this._

_He couldn’t really pretend. There was a slow smile stretching across his face and they could see it._

_Their first Forsaken mission alone. Finally._

_“Should we time ourselves?”_

_“Don’t get cocky, Jace.”_

_Jace flashed him a grin._

_Izzy held her stele out, ready to get them in. “Ready boys?”_

_“Three go in,” Jace started._

_“Three come out.”_

“Magnus, his vitals are all over the place. You’ve only got like a minute left.”

_No!_

His blood was pounding in his ears.

_Magnus handed him the glass and Alec tried to look at it instead of him._

_He was too beautiful._

_This was dangerous._

_Magnus snapped his fingers over the drink and it lit blue._

_“To us.”_

The pain stopped so abruptly Alec’s lungs didn’t know how to react. He sucked in air that he let out too fast to do him any good. His eyes snapped open but there were black spots obscuring his vision.

“You’re all right, darling, just breathe.”

Someone’s hand was rubbing his back as he tried to blink away the blackness. “W-why…” A ragged breath, “Why did you… stop?”

“Because we had to.” Magnus said simply.

Izzy was kneeling in front of him, her hands on his knees as she gazed up at him worriedly.

“But it was working!” Alec protested.

The look on Izzy’s face froze and she immediately turned to Magnus with a question in her eyes. What it was, Alec couldn’t guess. Not when his heart was still pounding and he wasn’t sure he was every going to breathe properly again.

Magnus didn’t say anything to that. His hand just kept running over his back and Alec found himself trying to match his breathing to the pace Magnus’ hand kept. He wasn’t able to, not at first, but trying helped.

He didn’t dare look at Jace. Not yet.

A glass of cool water appeared in front of him and Alec took it gratefully. His hand was shaking but he managed well enough.

“How do you feel?” Magnus asked him evenly.

“I’m okay.” Alec answered. He meant it. The spots were gone, the rushing in his ears was gone, he was just panting now instead of sucking in air like a fish on land… he was okay.

There was a hint of a smile on Magnus’ face, “Could you elaborate, Alexander?”

“The pain stopped when you stopped.” Alec answered. Then he sort of shook his head a little at Magnus, “You really weren’t kidding about the battering ram thing. It felt like you were ripping my brain.”

Something flickered over Magnus’ face and Alec immediately rushed to add, “Sorry.”

“You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for.” Magnus rushed to reassure him and though he sounded like he meant it Alec still wasn’t convinced. He felt like his whole existence was one big _I’m sorry_.

“Now,” Magnus said briskly, “Tell me what you meant by ‘It was working’ please.”

Finally, Alec’s eyes went to Izzy then Jace. His brother had gone ashen pale and he was gripping Clary’s hand so tightly Alec wouldn’t be surprised if she bruised.

“Some memories slipped through.” Alec answered slowly. In saying it out loud, he realized how inadequate that answer was.

It wasn’t memories that had slipped through in the way that he had thought they would. He had been expecting, he was slow to realize, memories sort of like movies. Images and little clips of time.

What he had gotten was _emotion_. He had gotten how he had actually felt in that moment. He had gotten to feel the person who had lived those memories. To _be_ the person who had lived those moments.

They didn’t feel separate from him or foreign in anyway. Those emotions and thoughts and feelings just sort of slotted back inside of him and made him _more_. It was startling and unexpected and _wonderful_. The Alec before and the Alec now felt less separate. He felt more real as a person – both versions of him. Him now felt more real because he had this new richness and depth given to him by two little slices of memory. Him before felt less like an impossible ideal and more like a real person.

It was beyond what Alec had hoped for.

“Darling?” Magnus asked and Alec heard the worry in his voice.

Alec turned to look at him and saw him in a different way than he had before. One of his first thoughts when he woke up in this loft was that Magnus was beautiful. If he hadn’t been so delirious and terrified, it probably would have been one of his first thoughts when he had actually met Magnus but the Alec from that apartment hadn’t been capable seeing it.

The memory had been so much more than that though. It had been such an intense longing that Alec almost blushed looking at Magnus. It was attraction and affection and fear and awe and so many other things.

“I thought…” Alec started when Magnus seemed like he was truly becoming worried. “I kind of thought it would be like pictures or something or a movie or just like, not mine? I didn’t think the memories would be like that.”

Magnus’ brows went low in confusion and Alec had such a strong urge to smooth his thumb over the furrow that appeared he could barely keep his hands to himself.

“I don’t understand, Alec.” Magnus’ eyes searched his for answers but Alec was sure he was getting so much more.

“It was like I was living those moments again but not me. _Him_. And I felt what he felt but it’s mine and it feels like it always was.” He was explaining so badly, he knew he was.

But there was a slow dawning realization on Magnus’ face that only made him lovelier.

He had to look away.

When he looked at his siblings, he only had to say, “Three go in, three come out.”

Izzy gave him a blinding smile, “Always.”

“It was our first Forsaken mission, I was pretending like it was you two that were too excited but I was too.” Alec explained, “And it’s weird, but a lot of the stuff that goes with the memory but wasn’t actually in it was there too. Like I know what a Forsaken looks like even though in the memory they were behind a door. And I know it was the first mission like that where we were by ourselves even though no one said so. Like all the things that he – _I –_ was thinking about it was there too.”

“By the Angel.” Jace whispered.

Alec turned back to Magnus eagerly, “Let’s try again.”

Magnus reached for his hand and Alec let him take it into both of his. “Believe me when I say I would love to, Alec. Not even just to get your memory back, although I want that badly, but also because you seem so incredibly happy with this first victory it’s hard to deny you. But I have to do what’s right for your health, even if it goes against what both of us want. You were nearing heart attack territory. It’s not wise to stress your system out again so soon after the first time.”

Alec opened his mouth to protest and Magnus instantly placed a finger against his lips. The touch felt almost like a brand.

“I promise, we will try again soon.” Magnus swore to him, “But I will not risk your life, my love.”

How was he supposed to argue?

**\---**

The second memory that he had omitted weighed on him heavily.

They made him rest after. A nap until they woke him for a late lunch. Then he had taken a shower and that seemed to wipe away the last of the stressful morning. He felt more human and solid enough to go back out and sit with his siblings.

It wasn’t until after dinner that Alec felt like he couldn’t stay quiet any longer.

Magnus had begged off to go to his workroom and Alec hesitated in following him. What if Magnus needed time to himself? What if he was angry that Alec hadn’t had a memory of him? Was it better to let him have time to cool off or should he go to tell him that he _had_ remembered a little moment between them?

He ended up standing outside the door like a fool, too nervous to go in and too out of sorts to ignore how badly he wanted to.

“Go ahead,” Clary whispered to him from the kitchen. “It’s okay!”

Alec sort of flushed, he hadn’t meant to linger so long that he would be caught. Clary just gave him a little encouraging wave to the door and disappeared around the corner towards the refrigerator.

He didn’t want to still be here when she got back.

Maybe it would be better if he just peeked? If Magnus didn’t seem in the mood for visitors, then Alec would leave.

He cracked the door open and saw Magnus sitting in a chair just staring at something in his lap. He was quiet, with one hand pressed to the side of his head, propping it up as he looked at whatever he was reading.

Alec opened the door a little more, “Magnus?”

The warlock jumped up and the paper tumbled from his lap, “Alec! I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you.”

“It’s okay,” Alec said hurriedly, he rushed to pick up what Magnus dropped as the warlock dove to do the same.

They both ended up crouched on the floor with a picture of _them_ that they each held by a corner. Alec looked up at Magnus as was alarmed to see tear tracks running down his cheeks.

“I’m sorry,” Alec said softly, “I shouldn’t have interrupted.”

Magnus shook his head and stood, leaving the picture and Alec himself on the ground. He turned away from Alec and started hurriedly wiping his eyes. “Don’t be sorry.”

Alec stood up and set the picture on the heavy wooden table that dominated the room. He reached out and hesitated before deciding that touching Magnus felt right. His hand went to Magnus’ shoulder and it was as though he jolted the warlock with electricity or something.

“Sometimes,” Magnus said as he turned around to face Alec again with a dry face, “It gets… _harder_. I miss you. I hope that doesn’t upset you.”

How could it? Alec shook his head, “It doesn’t upset me. Say what you think.”

Magnus mask fell to pieces and there were instantly more tears. For one heart-stopping second Alec was afraid he had made it worse. That he had upset Magnus when all he was trying to do was make him feel better.

Except there was a smile in the tears too.

“You’ve said that to me before.” Magnus dragged his hands over his eyes as though he could stop the tears that way, “Hearing it again… Even without your memories, you are still my Alec.”

Magnus had said that before but it felt like more now that he had tasted what being Alec meant.

“Why did I say it last time?”

Magnus tilted his head back, “It’s not one of our happier memories. You were dealing with something yourself and I had just turned my former lover in to the Clave. It was difficult, to say the least. I wasn’t sure how much you would want to hear about Camille or any of my past lovers really. You never flinched though. It was a relief to be able to talk to you about those feelings.”

It didn’t sound like an unhappy memory but maybe that was because he didn’t really know what the situation had been.

“I wanted to come and tell you that it wasn’t just one memory I got back.” Alec started slowly. Magnus looked at him with wide eyes and that made him rush to continue, “The second one was much shorter. It was only maybe thirty seconds long. I don’t even say anything in it but it’s of you. I don’t think we were… um, together yet. I think it’s before. You handed me a drink and snapped your hands over it. It lit up blue and you made a toast to us.”

Magnus’ startled expression eased off into something more relaxed and fond. “You’re right, that was very early.”

“I…” He hesitated before realizing that admitting what he wanted to wasn’t nearly as difficult as it would have been that morning. Somehow it was so much easier now. “In the memory, all I could think about was how beautiful you were and how much I wanted to be with you. I was scared of it but I couldn’t help but feel for you.”

A radiant smile came over Magnus’ face, “Thank you for sharing that with me.”

“I would have been happy with any memory.” Alec said, “But I’m glad I got one of you.” He looked down at the picture of them that Magnus had been staring at when he came in. “You… You seem like you loved him so much. I wanted to remember it.”

Magnus moved so quickly to his side, hand reaching for his jaw to pull his eyes back up. “I _love_ him. I _love_ you. There is no past tense, Alec. There never will be.”

And then he leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to Alec’s lips that seemed more full of emotion than any other touch he had received so far in his life.

He pulled back before Alec could recover enough to return the kiss.

“Never doubt how desperately I love you.” Magnus whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Memories and kisses! :) 
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed the chapter, I would love to hear what you think!!!


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friends, we have art!
> 
> The wonderful [rinle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rinle) drew a scene from Chapter 10! I am so in awe of all the emotion on Magnus' face! 
> 
> [Art!](https://rin-le.tumblr.com/post/631057175749574656/alec-nodded-for-tonight-tomorrow-too-there)
> 
> Thank you very much!!!

* * *

**Chapter Sixteen**

* * *

He had already been warned that they weren’t trying again today. Magnus had declared it at breakfast before Alec even got the chance to try to convince him otherwise.

Tomorrow, Magnus had promised. They were leaving a day in between attempts and that was all there was to it.

After last night, Alec had a harder time arguing. Magnus wanted him back, wanted the Alec with his own memories back. He cried he wanted it so badly. If he said it was for the best that they wait, Alec believed him more now than he had before.

It was just hard to accept because he felt better than he ever had before. Literally every morning he woke up and felt healthier and stronger than he had ever been in his entire ‘life’. It was hard to let them treat him so carefully when he felt the way he did.

The day started dragging almost immediately. They wanted him to rest and take it easy when he wanted pretty much the complete opposite. Did he have hobbies? What was he supposed to be _doing_?

There were about a thousand books in Magnus’ loft, some that looked older than him by about five hundred years. It wasn’t just obscure warlock texts; there were plenty of actual novels in the mix too but Alec wasn’t interested in sitting and reading.

The sound of metal dragging across stone caught his attention. Jace had retreated onto the balcony awhile ago but Alec hadn’t really stopped to think about what he was doing out there.

When he opened one of the doors quietly, he found his brother running through forms with a wickedly curved blade inscribed with symbols like those on his and Izzy’s body. Runes, he supposed. Runes like he used to have.

Watching him was interesting. He seemed particularly skilled, although obviously Alec didn’t know enough to truly tell. Magnus had said Jace was the best, hadn’t he? Still, the motions seemed a little sloppy and haphazard. Like Jace wasn’t focusing like he should have.

He was still doing better than Alec himself could ever managed. Or at least, that he could manage right now. It stood to reason that he _had_ been able to do all of that before. How much easier would California have been if he had known how to fight?

“Could you teach me to do that?” Alec said aloud without thinking.

Jace reacted like Alec had shot him, spinning around with his blade out wide in a circle equally lethal and wobbly. “What?”

Alec came out onto the balcony and tried not to panic being so exposed. They were high up and Jace was there and Magnus had promised – there wasn’t any reason for his heart to pound being outside again. The sun felt nice though, so that was something.

“Can you teach me how to do that?” He asked again as he shut the door behind him.

The stare that Jace gave him was some mix of blank and horrified.

“You know how to fight, Alec.” Jace said finally.

Alec sort of wanted to roll his eyes, “If that were true, I would have bled a lot less in San Francisco.”

That just seemed to upset Jace worse. Alec tried not to feel too badly about it. Almost everything seemed to upset Jace at least a little.

“I don’t need to teach you. Soon you’ll remember how yourself.” Jace settled on saying. “Also, if you reinjure yourself somehow, Magnus will… well, he’ll do something with magic that will make me regret even thinking of sparring with you.”

Alec tried not to deflate.

Apparently he didn’t do well enough pretending because Jace just blanched and stepped closer before stepping back again, “Why do you want to train?”

“Bored.” Alec shrugged, “Besides, what if demons do show up? I want to know what to do.”

“You don’t have to worry about that.” Jace said with a hard note of malice in his voice. “I won’t let any demons get to you.”

The silence went a little awkward.

Jace sighed and set his blade down on the table, “Don’t touch that, I’ll be right back.” And then he was gone.

 _Don’t touch that?_ Did Jace think he was going to cut himself on it like a child or something?

Before Alec could decide if he wanted to obey or not. Jace reappeared with something bulky and circular under his arm and something else in his hand. He deposited the circle on the far end of the balcony, then left the other thing – a canister of arrows? – at the door before disappearing again.

A canister of arrows and a target?

When Jace came back again, he wasn’t just lugging another item in. He had something with him but he was treating it with far more reverence than the target had gotten.

It was an archery bow, Alec realized.

Jace held it in two hands, each placed on either side of a rubber looking grip that seemed like it would be where someone held it. Jace looked like he had picked carrying it the way he had on purpose. Alec wasn’t sure why.

The bow got set on the table beside Jace’s blade.

And then Jace just didn’t say anything.

“Archery?” Alec asked finally.

“Your bow.” Jace answered softly. “It was found in the warehouse after the fire. There’s a lot of enchantments on it to keep it from harm, even the grip. The string burnt away though. Izzy restrung it herself after but no one’s been able to touch it since.”

Since he died. Or at least, since they thought he died.

“I use a bow and arrows.” Alec tested the words out. “I’m an archer?”

“One of the best in the entire world.” Jace said, “And I’m not just saying that. You’re literally one of the best the Clave has. You’re also one of the only archers that can use a five arrow bow. It’s difficult as fuck, and I’m saying that as a guy who’s at least proficient but usually top ranking in pretty much every weapon the Clave keeps rankings on. You once got assigned a mission in Mongolia to take down this flying serpent that never landed, so the Institute there could never get to it. A few arrows landing weren’t cutting it. They needed to pack a serious punch so they called in anyone they had that could actually manage a five arrow bow with any sort of accuracy. It was you, eighteen years old, some guy from France and a man from the Hong Kong Institute who got pulled out of retirement for it.”

“Did we get it?” Alec asked, interested.

Jace nodded proudly, “They had other archers helping but they couldn’t have done it without the three of you.”

Alec looked at the bow Jace had set down, “That doesn’t look big enough for five arrows.”

“It’s not.” Jace explained, “You don’t usually shoot five arrows at once. That’s for seriously tough, huge demons. I’ve seen you practice with that bow more than you’re actually called on to use it in the field. This is your actual bow. The one you always use.”

The bow was kind of huge, but he was tall so he guessed it was sized for him. It was metal and it had the same runes on it as Jace’s blade. The grip looked worn in, like he used it often.

“I haven’t been able to even look at it. We gave it to Magnus to keep safe because I couldn’t deal with it at the Institute.” Jace said quietly, “Bringing it out here was the first time I’ve touched it since...” He trailed off. “Anyway, you could practice if you wanted?”

Alec wanted to. Though he wasn’t entirely sure what to do with it, there was no way he was asking for a lesson on what was apparently his signature weapon. It couldn’t be too hard, right?

He picked up the bow and fit his hand around the grip. It seemed molded to his hand perfectly, like he himself had worn it into the exact curves of his hand. Jace handed him an arrow and he fumbled for a second, awkwardly trying to figure out how to grip the string and the arrow at the same time.

Jace looked to the target instead of watching him struggle.

There was some vague worry that pulling the string back would be too difficult. The bow itself was made of _metal_ and that seemed like it would take a lot of strength to get the string back. When he pulled it though, it seemed easy. The muscles in his arm and back stretched in a way that wasn’t familiar, he hadn’t ever done this before, but it felt _good_. Like his body knew this intrinsically.

He aimed. He breathed out. He released the arrow.

“Not bad.” Jace said approvingly.

He hadn’t gotten a bullseye but he _had_ hit the circle around the bullseye. For some reason he couldn’t quite explain that _pissed him off_.

It was easier to get himself coordinated the second time and when he shot, he hit the line around the bullseye.

Somehow that was _worse_.

The third arrow hit. Then the fourth.

By the fifth, he wasn’t as angry about missing the first two anymore.

After that, he lost track of time and the arrow count. It got easier. It felt good.

This was exactly what he had wanted before. Something physical. Something to take himself out of his own head. Something familiar, even though it wasn’t.

“By the Angel, Jace, you’ve recreated the monster.”

Alec almost flinched it was so startling hearing a voice when he had been so deep in his own head. “What?”

Izzy was at the doors, “Lunch time, brothers mine.”

Alec turned back to the target, “Not hungry.”

His sister neatly stepped in front of him and his bow, “Non-negotiable.”

It felt like he had just come out here after eating breakfast. Except, now that Izzy was forcing him out of the narrow vision of the target and nothing else, the early morning sun had definitely given way to a the beating rays of afternoon. It was hotter out and, now that he was actually thinking about it, his arms were kind of aching.

“Yeah,” Izzy laughed a little, which was nice considering the half glare she was giving him and Jace, “Time has continued to exist. You can’t just shoot your bow for hours.”

“Hours?”

“Not even two,” Jace argued with their sister more than he gave the answer to Alec. “I was watching, Iz. He’s fine. His hands are fine.”

Why wouldn’t his hands be fine? Okay, his fingers ached kind of and the feathery bits on the arrows had cut him a few times but overall, he wasn’t really hurt or anything.

“Clary is looking for you.” Izzy said in answer. “I think she got a call from Imogen.”

Alec couldn’t entirely read the look that came over Jace’s face. It wasn’t pleased, whatever it was.

“You good?” Jace asked him.

Alec nodded and Jace took that as his cue to leave.

“Who’s Imogen?” Alec asked Izzy as he set his bow back down on the table. He was already toying with the idea of coming back out here after lunch.

Izzy perched herself on the edge of the table, “Jace’s grandmother. She’s a high ranking Clave official. The Inquisitor.”

Jace’s grandmother was Inquisitor Herondale, the person who had written that nasty paper he had found in the bedside table? Was it weird that his brother’s grandmother disliked him so much? Maybe not, since Izzy seemed to return the feelings.

“What’s an Inquisitor?” Alec asked. At this point, he trusted Izzy enough to ask the deeper questions but there was something tugging inside of him that didn’t want to.

“An Inquisitor is a lot of things,” Izzy seemed like she wasn’t sure entirely how to explain, “They’re very high ranking. The position is sort of like a judge who also has the powers of a sheriff or something.”

“And you don’t like her?”

Izzy hesitated, her eyes going to back to the loft as though she were worried that Jace was listening. “I don’t trust her.” She said finally, “She wants things for Jace that would make him miserable. Powerful and respected, but miserable.”

“Yesterday,” Alec started slowly. “Before Magnus started trying to break the block...”

“Hmm?” Izzy prompted.

“When you made Jace promise not to go after whoever did this right away.” He watched as his sister’s face closed off a little. Was he getting better at reading her or was she purposefully making the expression obvious so he wouldn’t keep going? “You seemed like you had something specific in mind.”

Izzy stood up straight and put a hand on his shoulder, “Don’t worry about it, Alec. We’ll know soon enough.”

“But you think you know who it was.” Alec pressed.

“I have a guess,” Izzy admitted with a tense sort of shrug. “And I really hope I’m wrong.”

**\---**

By his fourth yawn, Izzy insisted he went to bed.

It made him feel a little like a child but he couldn’t deny how tired he was. Besides, they were trying to tear down the block again tomorrow and he didn’t want them to decide he wasn’t up for it.

When he came into the room, he found Magnus already there, leaving the closet with a jacket in his hands that seemed to be liberally covered in silver chains. It took a few seconds for the realization to catch up with him.

“This is your room.” Alec said a little stupidly.

Magnus had been smiling at him but at that he faltered. “It’s our room, darling. I told you that?”

“I know,” Alec shook his head to get a handle on his thoughts, “I just didn’t really think about it. This is your bedroom and I, like, kicked you out of it. Where have you been sleeping?”

That just made Magnus laugh, “This loft can really be whatever size I want it to be, Alec. I’ve been sleeping in one of the spare bedrooms. I was just grabbing some clothes, I’ll be out of here in a second. Were you going to bed?”

“Yes,” Alec said with an awkward little shuffle, “But that’s not what I’m talking about. Why should _you_ leave? This is your home. I should go in another bedroom.” It wasn’t like he had things he would have to move around, after all. Some clothes, his backpack and not a lot else.

“ _No._ ” Magnus’ voice came out half strangled.

Alec froze, startled by the reaction.

That just made Magnus sigh. He set the jacket down on the bed and came closer to him, reaching out and holding one of his hands. “Sorry, Alexander. It makes me feel better to see you safe in our bed, all right? I’ll be perfectly fine in my home away from home. I’ve done it up with the loveliest dark blue draping across the ceiling and over the walls. Very relaxing. You needn’t worry about me.”

If Alec were braver, he might have suggested that Magnus just move back into this room with him. If Magnus weren’t so wonderful, he might have agreed.

But neither of them were really ready for that and they both knew it. One memory that lasted thirty seconds and a half of a kiss – half because Alec had just stood there shocked – didn’t put them back where they had been before.

“We’re trying again tomorrow, right?” He said instead.

Magnus squeezed his hand before letting it go, “If you still want to, then yes.”

“I want to.” Alec insisted.

“Then tomorrow we’ll try again.” Magnus promised simply.

And maybe tomorrow none of these worries – about everything from bedrooms to mysterious saboteurs who had stolen his life – wouldn’t matter.

More than anything, Alec hoped that tomorrow would be the day he finally remembered.

**\---**

Alec was both more nervous the second time and also not. On the one hand, he knew exactly how much this was about to hurt and it wasn’t something to make light of.

On the other hand, it was completely worth the pain.

Getting those two small memories the first time had been exhilarating. He would have dealt with that horrific pain over and over again to get more.

The others were tense too, he could tell although they were less outwardly frantic about it this time. They only made him practice his tap-outs twice and he had gotten less than half the ‘Are you sure?’ questions than before. That should have meant that they were less worried but now they just traded grim looks and stared at him like he was maybe about to burst into flame.

The mood was tense.

They were afraid and they loved him.

He was eager and he wanted to truly love them back.

“Ready, Alec?” Magnus asked.

“Definitely,” He answered as he closed his eyes and started trying to slow his breathing.

Maybe Magnus was eager too or maybe Alec was just getting better at getting to whatever place Magnus needed to be able to do his wall breaking, but it felt like Magnus got started much quicker than he had any of the other times.

His mental touch was soft at first, maybe looking over the damage he had already inflicted on the block and trying to think of the best way forward. If Magnus wanted to come up with a strategy to make this faster and hopefully less painful then he could take all the time he needed for it.

When Magnus’ fingers pressed into his temples a little harder, Alec figured he was getting a warning that pain was coming.

He was right.

It wasn’t as excruciating right off the bat but it was close to it. He grit his teeth and bore it without sound.

_Magnus had said he wouldn’t ask again…_

_But here he was._

_Seeing him walk into the ceremony was like an electric shock that forced Alec awake_

_What was he doing?_

_The answer was ‘what he had to’ but this…_

_This was wrong._

_It was as though the whole room was frozen, Alec most of all._

_Everyone except Magnus. He wasn’t moving but his eyes said so much._

“You’re doing great, Alec, just keep breathing like that, okay?”

Izzy’s voice was low and soothing and Alec clung to her words with everything in him. The longer he kept himself together, the more time Magnus had to work.

_“Come on, Max, come to me.”_

_Alec encouraged Max even though he was smiling so wide his face ached._

_The little boy’s toddling steps towards him filled him with such pride and love he could hardly manage._

_Jace and Izzy were behind Max, jumping up and down excitedly._

_Max wobbled and Alec had to fight the urge to scoop him up._

_“Good job, buddy. You’ve got this. Just a couple more steps!”_

_Max steadied himself and gave Alec a gummy smile, showing off his four teeth._

_“Walk to me, Max.”_

“His blood pressure is climbing.”

Something hot and wet started dripping down his lips. He heard someone swear and then something pressed against his nose.

“Magnus, his nose is bleeding!”

_“Magnus, on every mission I’ve ever been on I’ve never felt that kind of fear. Ever.”_

_His heart was pounding so hard he could barely pull in a full breath._

_“Not knowing if you were alive or dead, I… I was terrified.”_

_“So was I,” Magnus answered quietly._

_The words wanted to explode out of him. He couldn’t deny them a second longer._

_“Magnus, I … I love you.”_

_Alec knew before Magnus even opened his mouth._

_“I love you too.”_

More and more images started hitting him. So quickly he couldn’t even fully process each one.

“I almost have it!”

_“How on earth did I manage to earn you?”_

He couldn’t breathe.

_“Hey, same side, remember?”_

“Magnus, you have to stop!”

_The look in her eyes froze Alec to his core. She looked triumphant, like she had already won._

_“You’ve been found guilty by the Clave for your crimes against your fellow Shadowhunters, the Clave and the compact given to us by the Angels.”_

The rushing in his ears drowned out anything else. His limbs tingled, his lungs burned and then it just…

 _Exploded_.

With a strangled gasp, Alec felt himself start to tilt.

He was unconscious before he even finished falling.

**\---**

He was laying flat and there was something cold pressed to his forehead cooling down his overheated skin.

_“Alec, can you hear me?”_

Magnus sounded so worried. It took him so long to realize he was meant to answer.

When he went to say _yes_ all that came out was a low moan.

“ _That’s it, love, just breathe and gather yourself. You’re all right.”_

_“Why isn’t he talking?”_

_“He’s just woken up.”_

_“What if something’s wrong?”_

_“Calm yourself, Jace, give him a moment.”_

_“Can’t you just heal him?”_

_“Jace, this is-“_

“Stop.” Alec groaned. “Gimme a minute.”

They went hushed around him.

His head was throbbing in a way that it hadn’t the first time. Never in his life had he had a headache so vicious. The throbbing wasn’t just focused in his temples or behind his eyes, it was literally his entire brain radiating the injury of whatever Magnus had been forced to do to tear down the block. He could smell blood.

It hurt but it was so incredibly worth it.

It was all there.

The hungry, lost Alec that he had been. The man that he was now and before and would be after this. Everything. Magnus’ lover. Jace’s _parabatai._ Izzy and Max’s big brother. The Head of the New York Institute. The archer. The heir to the Lightwood family.

All of him. Every single piece.

It took effort to open his eyes but the first thing he saw was Magnus.

He met his warlock’s worried gaze evenly. His heart ached for this strong loving man who had thought he was dead. What would Alec have done if Izzy came to _him_ saying that Magnus was gone?

Magnus’ lips parted and tears instantly welled.

He _knew_. Alec could see it in his eyes. The hurt and the love and the relief. All of it in both of them because this was a nightmare that they had both endured. In some ways, at least in the ways that counted the most, Magnus had suffered far more than Alec had.

“Alexander,” Magnus’ voice was a reverent whisper.

Alec reached out for him and curled his hand around Magnus’ neck, tugging him gently down. Magnus went eagerly, their lips meeting in a shaky but adoring kiss that felt more like coming home than anything else.

When they broke apart, Alec opened his eyes to find Magnus already staring at him. “You remember.”

It wasn’t a question. It didn’t need to be when the truth was so obvious.

“I’m sorry I ever forgot.” Alec answered.

Magnus shook his head, “It wasn’t your fault.”

He sat back up and his arms went to Alec’s shoulders, helping him slide up a little further on the couch so he could see his siblings properly. The pounding in his skull ramped up but that didn’t matter. What mattered was the two of them – his brother and sister - crowding in close as they waited.

“Alec?” Jace asked with a tight voice.

Alec reached an arm out for his brother and Jace nearly fell on him in his rush to get close. Though having his memories back was _everything_ , now that he had them the gaping wound inside of him that was their broken bond was even more unbearable.

She had done this to them, to Jace. The agony that Jace was in, the guilt that was eating him alive, the silent scream emanating from his torn soul… this was her fault. It was everything Alec had warned her of and more and she had done it anyway.

He could feel Jace trembling in his arms, clutching at Alec like he was going to disappear if Jace didn’t keep a close enough eye on him this time. How long would the trauma of what she had done affect them?

“Tell me,” Jace demanded in a strangled voice. He pulled back just enough that he and Alec could properly see each other. “Tell me.” He repeated when Alec hesitated.

Alec glanced over at Izzy and when he met her eyes, he knew who her suspect was. She reached out for him and he reached back, letting her take the hand not wrapped around Jace into both of hers.

Behind Izzy, Clary saw it too and her face fell.

“Tell me.” Jace said again.

Alec met Jace’s desperate, angry eyes and felt just another layer of hatred for her build. Once again, it was her fault but he was the one left to break Jace’s heart.

“It was Imogen.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've arrived at the dawn of Imogen's doom ;) 
> 
> Thank you for all your kind words for the last chapter!! I would love you hear what everyone thinks!!


	17. Chapter Seventeen

* * *

**Chapter Seventeen**

* * *

Alec wasn’t sure if it would have been worse for Jace to have been angry. Jace in anger was a Jace who was reckless. Seeing him turn all of his pain towards the one person he had a blood connection to would have been difficult enough.

This though, this numb stare, was worse.

If Alec had given any other name, they would have been holding Jace back. He would have been spitting and clawing to get to the person who had done this to Alec.

But Alec hadn’t given another name. He had given Jace the one name that would rip his heart to pieces. His brother stayed kneeling in front of him, staring blankly.

Clary reached for him and he didn’t even move, “Jace?”

Jace didn’t answer her, he just kept staring at Alec as though he didn’t know what to do.

“It’s not your fault.” Alec promised him. He gripped the back of Jace’s head and forced his brother to stare into his eyes, the closest thing they had to the truth that their bond used to give them. “I’ll tell you what happened but _it’s not your fault_ , Jace.”

Jace’s eyes shut.

It took Alec and Clary both to move Jace enough that Alec could sit up. Instead of all that tightly bound up rage inside of Jace exploding out, it seemed like everything inside of him had just frozen.

“Sit with me, Jace.” Clary tugged on his arm. He moved but only because she asked it of him.

Once Jace on the couch, Izzy couldn’t keep herself back. Alec stood in the same moment that she practically lunged for him, the two of them coming together in a hug that they had both thought they would never have again. When Alec’s legs went a little like jelly underneath him, he felt Magnus’ strong hand at his back to steady him.

“I missed you.” Izzy whispered into the fabric of his sweater. The sweater that he hadn’t thought twice about this morning when he had found it laid out on the bed for him but one he now remembered was one of his favorites that Magnus kept insisting was too worn and should be replaced. How many times had Alec told him that it was the perfect level of comfy and that he loved it?

Literally every choice Magnus made for him each moment of the day was designed to make Alec feel safe and warm and comforted.

“I missed you too.” Alec answered her now the way he should have been able to answer her before. “I’m so proud of you, Izzy. You’ve been so strong.”

“Angel, Alec.” Izzy’s voice broke and even though he never wanted to make her cry, he knew it was in a good way. Maybe even in a way that she needed. He meant what he’d said, she had been so strong for everyone around her, trying to fill the hole he had left behind, that she hadn’t really gotten a chance to mourn or process. Just because the mourning was no longer necessary didn’t mean that she didn’t deserve a chance to have a good cry.

When Izzy pulled away, he let her go reluctantly. Her eyes darted behind her to Jace. Their brother stared at nothing as Clary whispered something in his ear. “I was afraid of this.” And though Izzy liked Imogen about as much as he did – less even, because she usually felt more offended on his behalf than he ever was when people were less than respectful of him – there was genuine sadness in her voice. Out of the three of them, it was probably Izzy who liked Imogen the least because she was always hurting at least one of her brothers. Still, she knew as well as he did that this was the absolute worst outcome for Jace.

He knew her heart was aching for their brother too, “What she did to me is one thing. A horrible thing. But what she’s done to him…”

“I don’t understand. I don’t think I’ll ever understand.” Izzy admitted with a shake of her head. “It’s not just revenge for you anymore.”

“I don’t think it ever was.” Alec protested gently. He wasn’t the only one who had suffered. He wasn’t the only person that Imogen had nearly ruined.

Izzy turned to face him again and she could see the truth in his eyes. Her smile was watery and not really sincere but it only meant that he knew she understood.

“Tell us from the start.” Izzy said as she took a few more steps back so she could sit beside Jace. Her arm curled around his shoulders and even though she and Clary were there physically grounding him, Jace was almost lost in his own world.

With everything in him, Alec knew that Jace was sitting there trying to figure out what he had done wrong for Imogen to have done this.

Alec sat down beside Magnus and though that felt so good, he also wanted to be on the other couch with his broken _parabatai_. He wanted to hold his exhausted sister. He wanted to rush to Max’s side and end the pain his baby brother was in. He wanted to be with all of them, every moment. He wanted him finally getting his memories back to be healing and happy. And it _was_ , but now came all the painful truths that they had been waiting for. Now they had to go back to a night that they would all rather have erased from their memories forever.

Magnus held his hand in both of his own and though his grip was strong, he was trembling. Alec wanted to retreat to their bedroom in a way that defied words. He wanted to talk to Jace. He wanted to put Izzy in bed and let her rest finally.

But first, they had to know what had happened.

“After Jace got knocked out by the warlock,” Alec ignored the way Jace flinched. Even without their bond, Alec knew what Jace felt. Self-loathing. Failure. Guilt. He looked at Jace even though his brother wasn’t meeting his eyes, “The warlocks were expecting us and probably had all sorts of warding to know we were coming, in addition to an entire team of Clave representatives who were also watching and prepared.” He tried to say all those things, those entirely valid reasons, to help Jace understand that there was nothing he could have done but he knew his brother wasn’t hearing him. Not like that anyway. “I was herded inside the warehouse by a Shadowhunter without a Circle mark. That’s who I thought it was at first. Some leftover group that had been loyal to Valentine. None of them had Circle runes though and when I got inside Imogen was waiting for me.”

“Did you recognize any of the people with her?” Izzy asked with intent eyes. He knew the moment the conversation was ended, she was going to dive into databases and begin building the case to get Alec his runes back.

Unfortunately, Alec didn’t have a lot to give her, at least on that. He shook his head, “No. I’m sure Imogen handpicked the team to be sure that I didn’t. There couldn’t be any sympathizers and definitely no one who had a personal connection to me.”

Here was where things were going to get especially difficult for them. Alec pulled in a deep breath and said, “Apparently, I had a trial that I wasn’t invited to. She said I had already been found guilty.”

Their reactions ranged from incredulous all the way to furious. Even Clary’s mouth dropped open and she didn’t have nearly the history with the Clave as they did.

“A trial? How can they have a trial without the accused? Without witnesses or…” Izzy shook her head as she obviously started thinking through all of the laws that had been broken.

“Guilty of _what?”_ Magnus was always so mistrustful of the Clave, always seeing through their lies and their games. That his voice was incredulous now was only because he was in some sort of shock. It just made Alec want to find a safe place for his lover to fall apart even more.

They had all been so strong for so long. It wasn’t fair that there was still so much to do to make this right again.

“She didn’t give any specific charges. Betrayal of the Clave and the duty given to us by the Angels, _treason_ I guess.” Alec hoped that would work in their favor, that his verdict had been so vague. Although, just because she had been vague with him in the warehouse didn’t mean that she had been vague in her paperwork. “She’s been doctoring mission reports for months. She listed off a whole bunch of them, manufacturing some and twisting others. I don’t know how she got the Clave to have a trial without me. There’s got to be something there we can use.”

Izzy nodded and Alec knew without a shadow of a doubt that his sister was itching to start investigating now that he was pointing her in the right direction. “There’s a huge chance that the Clave doesn’t realize that your trial was held without you. That would be even easier to poke a big hole in.”

“The reports that were altered all had me favoring the Downworld heavily. Like, I let people die and the Downworlder wasn’t punished.” At that, Magnus shut his eyes and more tears came. Alec squeezed his hand and though Magnus squeezed back instantly, he could tell that it didn’t ease any of the pain.

Just like Jace would always blame himself for being ambushed in the warehouse, Alec knew that Magnus would feel that the only reason people would believe that of Alec was because he loved Magnus.

It wasn’t their fault. He didn’t know what to say to convince them that the guilt wasn’t theirs to bear.

“She asked the group she had with her to give us a moment and some of them did hesitate. There was a woman who seemed particularly unsure.” Alec continued. He wanted to finish this conversation badly. “We can use that too. At least one of them will flip on her, I’m sure of it. Once they were out of earshot, she started talking about Jace and how she felt about the _parabatai_ bond.”

Jace’s eyes bored into Alec. He wanted to know, even if Alec didn’t want to repeat what his grandmother had said out loud.

By the Angel, she had done all of this to them and Alec _still_ wanted to protect Jace by keeping him from knowing Imogen’s true nature.

It wasn’t going to make it better for Jace to not know. Not after all of this. “She said if she had found him younger, she would have never let him bond himself to someone. She thinks the bond is a waste. She wanted me gone so Jace could reach his full potential.” He said those words sort of hollowly, repeating them because he had to even though they almost physically hurt.

They knocked some of the numbness from Jace’s face. Alec wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not.

“She said she had pushed for execution but had been denied, I don’t know if that was her bluffing or not. There were no Silent Brothers there to do the deruning, I have no idea how a warlock managed it.” Alec continued instead of talking more about what Imogen had done to the bond. That conversation was only for him and Jace really, and they would have it. Alone.

“That explains the scars.” Izzy said with disgust in her voice. Now that he had his memories back, he knew the disgust wasn’t for the scars themselves but because they had been inflicted on him. If she had said it like that a few hours ago, he would have taken it entirely wrong and it would have hurt immeasurably. “Even if the Clave did agree to derune you, they would _never_ have consented to how she did it.”

“I’m sure that’s one of the reasons why she staged the fire.” Alec agreed. “There’s a good chance that on the paper, it said my sentence was never carried out because I ‘died’ first. She got just enough Clave approval to get the resources for her plan that she needed and give her a layer of protection if things went wrong somehow.”

Izzy ran a frustrated hand through her hair, “Which is our problem now. How much does the Clave know? How much backing does she have in Alicante? How well did she doctor the reports? We’re going to have to get into so many secure databases to find the answers. She’s added all these layers of complication that we have to unravel now.”

“And, if we don’t have enough inconsistencies then she’ll use that against us too. Why would she tie up every loose end when I was dead? She’ll have a justifiable reason why things might not be in perfect order, because with what happened, she didn’t need to finish the case.” Alec added. They were going to have to strike Imogen with as much surprise on their side as possible and they were going to have to do it _perfectly._

“She won’t use it against us.” Jace said with a dead sort of voice.

Alec sighed. This wasn’t what he wanted at all. He wanted Imogen to pay. He wanted to never have to see her mocking smile, hear her sneering voice, or listen to her tear him and his Institute down again.

But to have that, Jace had to hurt. Jace had to hate her.

“Jace,” Clary started gently. 

“No,” Jace cut her off, “No, I swear it. She won’t use it against us. I won’t let her.” His fists clenched at his sides so tightly his fingers went bloodless white.

Alec leaned in closer to his brother, “Listen to me, Jace, we have to do this right. I need you to promise you won’t do anything yet. Even if she called you tomorrow, you need to pretend that you don’t know anything. Or let Clary take the call instead.”

There was a literal war happening in Jace’s eyes. Vicious pain wrapped around the cold calculation and all of it was smothered in rage. Jace understood what needed to happen just as easily as the rest of them did but he was drowning in pain and anger. “I could make…” Jace started.

Imogen wouldn’t turn herself in. No matter what Jace did. What he said or how he threatened her didn’t matter, she would not back down.

They couldn’t take her down with a sword or, like Jace had once promised, with his bare hands. They had to play her game and that took preparation, that took a solid plan. It was going to take _a show_.

If Jace went to collect his pound of flesh, it would all be ruined.

And Jace knew that… but he still wanted to grab his blade and make it right his own way.

Alec shook his head at his brother and denied him something he _thought_ he desperately wanted, “She’s left us enough rope to hang her with. If we do this right, I can be found innocent. I can get my runes back. We can get _our_ rune back.” He paused and let that possibility sink into Jace’s soul where it was needed most. “ _Parabatai_ , promise me you won’t go off in a rage and find her.”

Jace’s eyes had never looked so tortured.

“I’ll talk to her Jace,” Clary said when Jace didn’t speak, “If she calls or asks about you, I’ll handle it. I promise, you won’t even have to hear her voice.”

Clary having any sort of meaningful contact with the Clave used to be one of Alec’s worst nightmares. She was too righteous and too unwilling to play their games. Her determination to do what was right at all costs didn’t lend itself to political maneuvering. She didn’t have much of a poker face either, at least not when she wasn’t prepared with a plan. That was getting better and she was learning, he had thought.

Alec could see how much she had grown since he had been gone.

Not in strength, because Clary Fray had always been pretty strong. Instead, he could tell that she was getting _smarter_ , she was learning to play the game. When he got back to his Institute – and he _would_ – he was pretty sure that he would find she had grown into a leader.

He owed her a lot, he could already tell.

Most of all though, he knew he owed for his siblings. Clary seemed to have kept them going through sheer determination.

“Let Clary handle it.” Alec said to Jace. It was maybe the first time he had ever demanded such a thing.

If she was startled to hear him say it, she didn’t let on.

Jace held his eye for another moment. There was so much at war in his _parabatai_. Jace understood what Alec was saying quite clearly but he was also dealing with a betrayal from someone he cared about.

But with both of those things, there was also pure rage burning inside of him. It had always been there, this entire time that Alec had been back with them.

Each minute that went by, the numbness faded and wrathful anger replaced it.

Despite that anger, they both knew what Jace’s ultimate goal was. Not punishing Imogen. Not avenging the wrong done to his _parabatai_. They were important but they weren’t what Jace wanted more than anything else. 

It was getting their bond back. It was making them whole again.

It wasn’t a surprise when Jace said, “I promise.”

But it was a relief.

Alec sagged back into the couch and leaned against Magnus. His warlock pressed closer to his side but said nothing. He was maybe no longer capable of speaking.

The only reprieved granted to him was that the pain in his head was easing off. How it could when there was so much in front of them to untangle he wasn’t sure. He felt like his head was spinning with all the frantic thoughts from back in that warehouse, all based in trying to understand just what Imogen thought she was doing and how she was doing it. The only difference now was that they had to reverse engineer it all and sift through weeks of a cold trail to do it.

“I think you need to get some rest.” Izzy said slowly. Her eyes went back and forth between him and Magnus with crystal clear sympathy. Maybe even some pity. “We can get started on planning and figuring out where to start in the morning.”

Alec seriously doubted that Izzy was going to wait until morning to start working on this.

She was giving him an out. Yes, she wanted him to get some rest but she could see Magnus just as clearly as Alec could.

He and Magnus needed tonight alone. They needed it desperately. The only thing that really held him back was Jace.

“I agree,” Clary said and she caught Alec’s eye with a soft smile. _I’ll watch over Jace._

Alec was pretty sure if he made eye contact with Magnus they would both fall to pieces here in the living room, so he stood without looking at the warlock sitting silent beside him. Their still joined hands meant that he was tugging Magnus up to stand up too.

Silently, they walked together towards their bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Up: The truest Malec reunion ;) 
> 
> Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed the chapter!


	18. Chapter Eighteen

* * *

**Chapter Eighteen**

* * *

In those final moments before he had felt the warlock Imogen hired ripping him to pieces, Alec had only been able to think of the soft moments. When Izzy snuggled up to his side, when Max was still willing to let himself be cuddled, when he could feel Jace at peace… and Magnus. Magnus’ arms around him in this room, on this bed.

There hadn’t been any time left for regrets or the bad times. It was as though he was seeing his life flash before his eyes except his life was just them. Them, loving him and trusting him and being with him.

Now, Magnus was clinging to him, his whole body trembling even as he held Alec so close to him that they couldn’t even draw full breaths. Alec held Magnus just as tightly. There was nothing left to do, not in this moment.

There was so much to talk about. So much Alec wanted to say. So much Alec wanted to hear about. That more than anything else maybe. He wanted to know what Magnus had endured. He wanted to know what this meant for them. He wanted to know _everything_.

When Alec shifted, Magnus resisted letting him move even an inch. It was as though he thought Alec was only a dream and if he didn’t hold on hard enough, Alec would crumble in front of him.

There was some part of him that wanted the normalcy of before. He wanted to forget this entire thing had happened and get his runes and his bond and his job and his whole life back.

Even when his runes were returned to him – and Alec believed with all his heart that they would be because they _had_ to be and he had to trust it – Alec knew he would need time. His siblings needed time. Magnus most of all would need time.

There would need to be so much healing.

Alec wasn’t someone who paid his own pain much mind. He wasn’t someone who stopped and recovered and really let himself process the bad things. That wasn’t in his nature.

But this, losing his runes, losing his family, losing his entire _self_ , this could not and would not and should not be powered through. He couldn’t ask that of the people who loved him and had lost him. Recovery would not be complete when his runes were back in place or when he was bonded again to Jace, no matter how the Silent Brothers decided that had to happen.

This was too big. They were too important to him.

“Magnus,” Alec whispered and he was a little surprised to hear how thick with emotion his own voice was. Surprised and also not. Everything just felt so _clear_ though, it was just so much.

Magnus’ fingers tangled themselves in Alec’s hair and kept his head in place against Magnus’ shoulder.

“I’m here.” Alec promised with the full knowledge of what those words truly meant. “I’m here and I love you.”

Magnus didn’t speak so Alec just held him tighter.

Being here with him was easing so much of the pain he had been in before, when he hadn’t known himself or love or kindness. When he had been afraid and all he had wanted was someone to treat him gently.

Though all of those moments and memories were his, there was also a little sliver of separation. Sort of how he felt on the rare occasion he let Magnus get him drunk. That was him and he remembered being that giggling weightless person but it was also not quite him and the things he said or did made him blush a little in the morning.

The person who had woken up alone and in pain in San Francisco was him and he remembered all of those weeks with aching clarity but it was also just slightly not him.

Magnus pulled in a shuddering breath.

This time, Alec didn’t let Magnus hold his head in place. He pushed himself up just enough to see Magnus’ face and when he saw the streaming tears he felt awful. “Magnus?”

“I don’t know what this _is_.” Magnus whispered in a voice that was nearly gasping, “I’m so happy it hurts. I’m so angry I can only cry. I’m so hurt even though I have you. I don’t… I don’t…. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt this before.”

Alec pressed a kiss to his collarbone, “Talk to me?”

Magnus just sobbed.

“Isabelle told me about what happened after the fire. Finding Jace and getting him back to the Institute. Calling our parents. Going to tell you. I felt bad hearing it. I was sad for you and for her. But now that I remember… Magnus, I can’t even imagine.”

The next breath Magnus took was some sort of half strangled gasp, “I could see it on her face. The second she looked at me. I didn’t need her to say a thing but then I had to hear it. I had to… I had to have been _wrong_. And she told me everything and I went back to the Institute with her and I saw Jace’s rune gone and it still… none of it made _sense_. I went to that warehouse and it was still blazing. I… _nothing made sense_.”

Alec shut his eyes against the burn of tears. So much pain for _nothing_. For a life that Jace didn’t even want. For an old woman’s family pride.

“Izzy called Cat and when she came I was just… I was still frantic. Like I still could have saved you if only I could think of a plan but there were no coherent thoughts in me by then.” Magnus said and Alec wasn’t sure if him saying all of this out loud was helping or not but it still needed to be done. For both of them, it needed to be done.

“Alec, the things I was thinking of…” Magnus turned his head and pushed his face into Alec’s hair, “If you had any idea the things I was contemplating to find a way to make it right…”

He couldn’t _not_ face Magnus for another second. Pushing himself out of Magnus’ arms hurt them both but he didn’t go far. He got his knees under him so he could kneel at Magnus’ side with his hands pressed to Magnus’ cheeks, “There’s nothing you could say to make me love you less. If you want to tell me, I’ll listen. If you don’t, that’s okay.”

And until Magnus decided to tell him, if he ever did, he had to keep himself from wondering too much about what sorts of plans and spells Magnus meant.

There were more important things to talk about and even though Alec wanted to tread lightly, he still wanted to go there. “When Eva called Cat, Cat was talking about how she was afraid to leave you alone. She didn’t say it explicitly but I know what she meant.”

Magnus’ face was red and splotchy from crying. His eyes were bloodshot and there were still tears flowing. He looked exhausted in a way that looked more soul deep than physical.

He was still the most beautiful man Alec had ever seen.

No words came from Magnus. He knew what Cat had meant too and he wasn’t denying that she had been right to be worried.

“I would never want that, Magnus.” Alec stared into Magnus’ eyes intently. “Not over me.”

Magnus shut his eyes tightly and when they opened his glamour had dropped. It was the golden cat eyes that Alec so desperately loved staring back at him. Seeing them glow even under the sheen of tears was even more painful than seeing tears in the warm brown eyes that he was used to and adored.

“I know,” Magnus whispered. “I know that, Alec. There were a few moments where that was the only thing that stayed my hand.”

The idea that he might have come back only to find that one of his loved ones had been so broken by his death that they were gone was unthinkable.

The pain of it must have shown on his face because Magnus surged up to kiss him. It was a messy, uncoordinated sort of kiss. There was no seduction or thought. It was just desperate and loving and more necessary than oxygen.

When they had to pull back for air it hurt. Magnus was still so close he could feel the warlock’s panting breaths against his skin. “If you had really died in that fire, I can’t promise that wouldn’t have come eventually. I can never say that I would be able to stand unending decades without you. Pain eases with time, I _know_ that, but no pain I’ve felt has ever matched what those weeks without you were. All I can promise is that I would protect your siblings until the end to honor you and after that…” Magnus stopped talking and his eyes said the rest for him.

This wonderful, selfless man. Alec didn’t even know what to say to that.

“Lie back down, love,” Magnus begged softly as though he hadn’t just dropped a bomb on Alec, “Please, I need you beside me.”

Alec did as he asked, stretching back out and half draping himself on Magnus. He could feel the way Magnus’ heart was pounding and he knew it matched his own.

“I didn’t want to push you before.” Magnus said as he curled his arm around Alec’s back, holding him close again. “You’ve barely spoken about San Francisco.”

_Please tell me about it now_. That’s what he was asking.

It felt wrong to end the conversation about what Magnus had endured but Alec knew this was only the first one. For both of them, it was only the first of many conversations. This wasn’t just recounting their afternoon apart or something. This was days and days of pain.

Magnus wasn’t asking for every moment, he was just asking to understand better. Probably because of some mix of masochism and the overwhelming need to know where the sore spots were so he could heal them.

“You know I woke up in that apartment. I went in and out for most of a day I think.” The idea that while he had been lying on the floor in a random apartment across the country while his loved ones would have done anything to have him back was heartbreaking.

Magnus was clearly thinking the same. He held Alec against him as though he was trying to reach across time to gather up the Alec who had lain alone on the floor in pain with no memory of why.

“It took a while before I could really _think_.” Alec said and these words felt more intimate. Explaining how he had woken up was one thing. Explaining those first moments of confusion and expansive _nothing_ was another. “I couldn’t remember what had been before that room and that was when I realized that I knew nothing. I tried my voice out, I found a mirror, none of it made me remember anything.”

“That woman committed so many sins against you but leaving you there with nothing, that was just sadistic.” Magnus growled.

It was. Alec couldn’t deny it. _She_ wouldn’t be able to deny it either, when the time came. It was sadism for the sake of sadism. Many Shadowhunters had been deruned and exiled before him, but never like that.

“I knew I had to find food but outside was terrifying. Night was even worse. And people… Angel, Magnus, people were so cruel. They saw the scars and they would just stare or get angry. They were so disgusted by just the sight of me, they thought I was a criminal or drug addict or something. I tried to find work sometimes. One man was nearly going to hire me just to do an odd job for a few dollars and I was so excited by the idea of earning money. I was _so hungry._ But then he saw my hands shaking from it and he screamed at me about being a piece of shit liar and a tweaker and I just ran. I didn’t know how to explain anything. I didn’t know _what_ to explain. It was all so crazy, every part of it. I was so afraid that I didn’t know how to make it better. Jace could have charmed them or Izzy could have figured out how to say something to shame _them_ for being awful but I just took it. And when I took it, I just seemed to make them hate me worse.” Alec could still feel the shame he had felt when person after person looked down on him. Even now, lying against Magnus and safe, he was still a little bit there. Still lower than dirt.

“You don’t know what your siblings would have done in that situation.” Magnus said, “How people reacted to you wasn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything to deserve that cruelty.”

“I looked weird and I acted weird and I was picking food out of trashcans. Depending on if I had soap and running water, I smelled bad too.” Alec laid it out bare.

Magnus pulled in a deep breath that grew ragged as he let it out. “You have food in that backpack of yours. Money too. I’ve been afraid to ask…”

Magnus couldn’t say the words but Alec knew what he was afraid of.

“No,” He answered quickly, “ _No_ , Magnus. I found a wallet on the ground and took the money out of it.”

A breath of relief came out of Magnus that made Alec feel badly for not having thought to explain that before. For making Magnus feel too afraid to ask. How much had that question tortured him?

“When I went through the backpack and found the money, I… I checked you over again, just to see if you needed healing… in that way. I wasn’t sure…” Magnus stumbled over the words.

“There was one man who tried to, um, hire me I guess. He…” His voice died with that remembered fear and disgust.

Magnus froze.

Alec could only shake his head, all the feelings from that moment came rush back up and it was everything he could do to keep from throwing up or pushing away from Magnus, “I can’t talk about… sorry, nothing really happened. I don’t know…”

“Shh,” Magnus said soothingly for all that his body was still tensed, “Shh, it’s all right. You’ll tell me about it when you’re ready but please know that nothing changes the way I feel about you.”

It was comforting to know that when he was ready to talk about that, Magnus wouldn’t be disgusted by him, especially since Alec had felt so violated by an interaction that had taken less than five minutes.

“Not everyone was awful,” Alec changed the subject because he _had_ to and Magnus let him. “There were some people who were kind. I was keeping track of how to find them, so I could thank them someday.”

“We’ll do that, darling.” Magnus promised, “If they were kind then I’ll happily repay it tenfold.”

Alec thought about that old woman who had given him the sandwich, of Byron’s lost wallet and of Angelica, the first person who had truly smiled at him and had given him the food when he so desperately needed it. They were who he wanted to make sure he thanked but there were other people in San Francisco he would never be able to find again. The man who had explained the bus, for instance. Alec could remember all the faces that had even just smiled at him and he wished he knew their names to thank them.

A single second to them had been everything to him.

“I was so done by the time Eva found me.” Alec admitted in a small voice. “If any of you had looked at me with even the tiniest bit of disgust, I think I would have shattered. I kept waiting for it.”

Magnus swallowed heavily, “I don’t think I’ve ever felt such a shift in my entire life. The person who came through that portal was so immediately different three seconds after I saw you. There was such blinding joy. I hope you saw that, even if you didn’t know me. I hope you didn’t find a single second of disgust on my face or in my eyes because it was never there, Alec. Not a single second.”

“I was confused,” Alec said the words slowly because he knew they would hurt. “Because you seemed like you… like I was important to you. Incredibly important. And I didn’t understand how that could be.”

Magnus flinched and Alec knew exactly why.

“I’m sorry I said that.” He said quickly.

_Then where were you?_

“You had every right to ask it.” Magnus said in an even voice. Beneath that though, Alec could hear the pain. Not exactly pain that Alec’s question had caused but the pain and guilt that came from Magnus himself. Alec had only given voice to the thoughts that were already there. Still, he hated that Magnus now had Alec’s own voice to add to the chorus of guilt in his head.

“I didn’t know,” Alec said simply. “If I had known you, I never would have thought you left me behind on purpose.”

Magnus hesitated for a second before he asked, “What did you think happened? I found some notes in your backpack. You were trying to figure it out.”

He had almost forgotten all of those pages of phone numbers he had written down in the library. Everyone from missing person’s hotlines to heads of covens in the San Francisco area who were probably incredibly fake.

“I thought I was cursed. I thought it was a punishment. I didn’t really think there was anyone out there who was missing me.” Alec admitted. “It didn’t seem possible. Honestly, I thought endlessly about the why but not very much about the idea of a family.”

It had never occurred to him that the family he had been taken from had thought he was dead, which was a twist that absolved them of the idea that they had left him behind. He had pretty much assumed they either weren’t looking for him or they knew and didn’t care. He wasn’t going to explain any of that to Magnus though, not when the pain of the whole thing was still so fresh.

If Magnus noticed his hesitance, he didn’t let on, “There’s still so much I want to know but… Hearing all of this knowing that you were so alone…” And again, there were tears. How many tears had this amazing man cried for Alec?

“I know,” Alec said quickly, “I want to hear more about what you went through but hearing it and knowing it was for nothing hurts. We don’t have to keep talking about it tonight.”

“I want to know everything but what I need more than that is to be close to you.” Magnus murmured.

Alec twisted his head a little to press a kiss to the corner of Magnus’ mouth, “I’m here.”

Magnus turned his head so their lips could meet properly. Their kiss on the couch earlier hadn’t been enough. Their bodies pressed together like this was good but it wasn’t enough either. Alec wanted to feel every inch of Magnus. He wanted to belong to him in every way possible.

He had thought he understood what it was to be desperate for Magnus, for the connection between them, but this moment proved him so wrong. It felt as though there was nothing that would make him feel stable again except feeling every inch of Magnus that he could, having Magnus’ hands put him together and being one with him the purest way they knew how.

Between the tears and the frantic way they were kissing each other, breathing was difficult. Alec wasn’t sure if it was that or the heady relief of being here in this bed with Magnus again that was making him so dizzy.

Each article of clothing that was ripped away just brought more contact between them. Feeling Magnus’ skin against his felt so right. There should have been pain. There were so many points of connection that meant a half numb scar was pressed hard against Magnus but that pain just made the pleasure and comfort of it that much _more_. Neither one of them were the men they had been before. Too much had happened. Too much had been done to them.

They weren’t the same and their love wasn’t the same.

They were stronger.

Their love was stronger.

Acknowledging that in this moment felt so right. When Magnus’ fingers feathered over a scar that he would have once traced to make Alec shiver from the sensitivity of his runes, it was now just Magnus rejoicing in still having him no matter the form. When Alec felt the bite of pain from Magnus’ hip pressing against where a rune had been, it was only proof that they had made it through impossible odds.

Alec pulled their lips apart to trail down Magnus’ neck, nipping little marks onto his warlock’s skin, “I need you,” He begged as his lips went lower.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Magnus gasped as Alec’s lips found his nipple and his tongue circled around it.

“Any pain is worth it, I just need you.”

Magnus groaned and he shifted them around so Alec was kneeling on top of him. Then he dragged Alec back up to bring their lips together again.

Magnus’ hand wrapped around them both and Alec cried out. After so much pain, after so many harsh glares and weeks of no one touching him at all, he felt every sensation heightened like never before. Having Magnus’ glowing eyes staring up at him in awe made Alec feel exposed and seen in the most beautiful way possible. This man saw every inch of him, body and soul, and somehow there was still such reverence in his gaze.

When Magnus’ other hand, slick and hot, went behind him Alec shivered. The touch felt electric and it left Alec gasping. Everything, the feel of Magnus’ body against his, the press of his fingers inside, this bed and the way Magnus’ eyes watched his every move made him feel the least vulnerable he had ever been, all of it was achingly familiar but this somehow felt so new. So different and special. It wasn’t, he knew it wasn’t, but he couldn’t help the tears that slid in hot trails down his cheeks as Magnus’ hand went to his hip to help guide him down.

For so long, Alec had felt so empty and hopeless. It felt like Magnus was putting him back together with each touch.

They moved against each other slowly. Magnus hands grasped his hips hard enough to bruise and Alec wanted the marks desperately. He wanted to be covered in their own kind of runes, something special and all their own to cover the scars of what had been done to him. As though if he wore Magnus’ marks it could make up for the ones he was missing.

Alec leaned forward and gasped when it changed the angle, lighting up his body in a different and even better way. His lips met Magnus’ as his warlock came forward to meet him.

In that perfect moment, one of Magnus’ hands left his hips to wrap around him and Alec’s back arched with a moan.

He was so close and he knew Magnus well enough to know that he was too. Their rhythm went a little ragged as they got more overwhelmed.

Alec went over the edge first with Magnus’ name on his lips. When he felt Magnus reach completion underneath him, he rocked his hips through it to make it feel as good as possible for him. He collapsed onto Magnus’ chest, panting and sated.

“I love you.” Alec whispered into Magnus’ sweaty skin.

He felt a tingle of magic glide over him, cleaning them up. Magnus’ hand traced a barely there path down his back, trying to skirt around where his runes used to be. It was such a contrast from before, when they had been unheeding of the scars.

“I love you, darling. I never want to be parted from you again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the chapter!! I would love to know what you think!


	19. Chapter Nineteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for such awesome support. I read all your comments and see your kudos and I'm so happy and inspired. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it!!!

* * *

**Chapter Nineteen**

* * *

When Alec heard someone sobbing, his first thought that it was him and he was dreaming.

He had startled himself awake with a nightmare more nights than he hadn’t. Sometimes someone was there to comfort him and sometimes he dealt with it on his own. Both were hard. Both were better.

But when he opened his eyes, he realized it wasn’t him at all. _He_ felt fine. Sleepy. Blissfully sore. Not crying at all.

It was _Magnus_.

“Magnus!” Alec called him as he tried to sit up. They were turned on their sides, Alec the little spoon that Magnus held tightly in his sleep. “I’m here, I’m here, wake up...”

Getting out of Magnus’ hold was difficult. Not because of any magic, just because of how strong the warlock was physically and how tightly he was holding Alec to his chest. It was as though he was acting out his dream and letting go meant something awful.

Every attempt to break the grip Magnus had on him just made him cry harder so Alec shook his shoulder and called his name again, “Magnus, wake up. It’s okay. I’m here. Wake up!”

Golden eyes snapped open but the sobs didn’t stop. “ _Alec_ …”

He sounded so broken.

Was this what he had been dealing with on his own in the guest room?

Alec stopped trying to get free of Magnus’ hold, he just turned so they were facing each other, “I’m here. I promise, none of that was real. I’m right here.”

There were a few seconds where Magnus’ eyes traced over his face as though he didn’t understand. Then reality seemed to creep back in.

“I’m here, it wasn’t real.” Alec promised again. 

“It _was_ real.” Magnus said through a clenched jaw, “It was so real. I thought… I thought the dreams would get better now that I have you back. I…”

“Shh, it’s okay.” Alec stroked his hand down Magnus’ cheek, “Take your time.”

It was clear that Magnus needed a moment to breathe before he could start speaking but when he did, Alec’s heart broke for him, “Cat brought me to the apartment but when I got there, you… it was so different. Some things were the same but Cat kept telling me you were dead and you wouldn’t let me touch you and then you collapsed. We all rushed to you but nothing we did… none of it worked. And then Cat disappeared and Eva too and I was alone trying to save you but you were going cold and your wound just kept bleeding and…” He sucked in a horrified breath, “Your wound!”

Magnus let him go abruptly and without any gesture from him, all the lights came on. In seconds he was laying on his back and Magnus had moved his arm out of the way so he could see his wound. “I was holding you so tightly, pressing right on it. God, Alec, I’m sorry. Does it hurt? Did I-”

“I’m okay.” Alec cut him off gently. He didn’t move, not when Magnus was so frantically checking him over. He laid there and let him because he knew Magnus wouldn’t rest until he knew he hadn’t done him any damage.

He felt the lick of Magnus’ magic against his skin but the wound had been healed days ago. Now it was just pink skin, nothing more.

“You healed it, Magnus.” Alec reminded him even as he laid there and let Magnus reassure himself of it, “I’m fine. You healed me.”

Magnus’s eyes shut as he slumped forward until he was bent in half, his forehead pressed to Alec’s belly. “When you passed out and I vanished your shirt and bandage to see what was wrong I thought my heart was going to stop. It was so bad, Alec. It was nearly festering.”

Alec winced quietly. His hand cupped the back of Magnus’ head. “It wasn’t great for a while and then it got bad fast. I… Right before you came, I was lying in that bathroom and I was pretty sure I was dying. I was talking to myself, trying to stay alive long enough for the sun to come out so I could go try buying some other kind of medicine.”

Magnus let out a heavy breath, “At first, my nightmares were you dying. Over and over again. Sometimes I was there. Sometimes you were screaming for me while the fire ate you up. It was awful.” His warlock didn’t seem able to look at him. “Now, it’s that apartment every time. I always get to you just a few moments too late. And it’s even worse because that’s what nearly happened!”

“You did come in time. Eva _did_ find me. She called you and you _did_ come. You got to me in time. You healed me and pulled me back from the brink.” Alec reminded him.

Magnus lifted his head and sat up to stare blankly at the wall, “It was so close. I think I’ll always be haunted by how close it was.”

There wasn’t anything Alec could say to fix that for him. Nothing that Magnus didn’t already know. It wasn’t his head that Alec needed to convince. It was his battered heart. Alec was all too familiar with how hearts didn’t listen just because logic was being presented.

The only thing that would make it better was time. Time and Alec, in this case.

The very least he could do was give both to Magnus after everything that Alec had had inadvertently put him though.

“The sun is just coming up,” Alec told him quietly, “We don’t have to go back to sleep but just lay with me please?”

When he and Magnus were just starting out, Alec had been too nervous to ask for cuddles. He had thought it made him weak or needy. It was too vulnerable to ask for physical comfort.

He had quickly learned that Magnus didn’t see it that way at all.

Never once had Magnus denied him and he didn’t this time either.

They curled up around each other again and tried to only think of what they had now, not what had almost happened.

**\---**

While Magnus showered, Alec sought out his siblings. Izzy especially, because he had no doubts that she had a lot more to catch him up on about her search for answers.

It had also been hours since he had last seen Jace and that was nearly intolerable.

With his memories returned to him he could now definitively say that the pain of their broken bond was worse now that he remembered what he was missing. Instead of a ragged pain inside of him that made him feel empty and lost, there was now so much more.

Seeing Jace helped, a little. He was _so glad_ that when his memory had been gone he had allowed Jace to stay close to him and sleep beside him sometimes.

When he went out into the main part of the loft, he found them in the living room. Jace was sleeping tensely on the couch and Izzy and Clary were sitting on the floor around the coffee table, both with laptops out and papers stacked in what he assumed were organized piles all across the top of it and on the floor around them.

They had clearly been at it a while.

Chairman Meow, Alec realized with a little smirk, had chosen one of the piles to curl up on and nap.

The both of them gave him sunny smiles when he came in and without even thinking about it he dropped a kiss onto both of their heads. Clary seemed a little taken aback but she only smiled harder.

“Tell me what you’ve got,” Alec said as he stepped around their piles to make his way to Jace.

“We’ve started pulling all the mission reports from January to now. I don’t know how far back she’s taken this but we thought it was a good place to start.” Izzy explained. She gestured to her piles. “We printed any that we thought there were discrepancies on. That’s what each pile is, a mission report to look over and any documentation the two of us had. Some of the changes in these are so _little,_ Alec.”

While he listened, he carefully lifted up Jace’s head to slide himself underneath. Once he was sitting, he let Jace lay his head in Alec’s lap. Hopefully proximity would do him good again and his sleep would get a little more peaceful.

Peace, Alec had always felt, was what Jace needed more of. He had always thought it was so obvious whenever anyone looked at Jace. How Imogen looked at her grandson and thought he needed glory or power, he would never understand. It was so obvious that Jace truly needed peace and stability, or at least it was to him.

“Little how?” Alec asked, although he had an idea what his sister meant.

“There are some of these where the events themselves are all correct but there’s some little line of phrasing that makes you sound biased and I’m sure you wouldn’t have written it that way. You’ll have to read over them. On their own it’s not so bad but piled together like this…” Izzy looked frustrated as she surveyed the piles of ‘evidence’ against her own brother.

“We can’t discount anything. She put serious work into this. The Clave wouldn’t have agreed to move against me if there wasn’t a lot on her side. I didn’t think of her as much of a threat because one, I thought she actually gave a shit about Jace as a person, not just the Herondale heir and two, she’s made no secret that she doesn’t like me and why. By being so biased in the beginning, she made this whole thing harder to accomplish because people would be less likely to believe her. To change that, she had to have more than just the few missions she listed out for me.”

His words only seemed to renew Izzy’s determination, which was saying something because her determination hadn’t looked like it was lagging in the slightest.

“Before we start explaining each of these reports and what we need from you,” Clary gestured at the stacks before turning to Izzy, “We think we found that woman you mentioned before. The one who hesitated when Imogen asked to be alone with you.”

Izzy picked the explanation up, “There’s someone else accessing all of these reports. They’re being clever about it, no official signature saying ‘so and so accessed this report at this date and time’ – like how we’re doing it too – but no one can entirely erase their presence.”

“So how do you know it’s her?” Alec asked.

“Jace traced her ISP,” Izzy explained. “She’s being careful but not careful enough. Either she’s not as computer literate as she thinks or she’s doing it on purpose. Covering her tracks to a casual user but leaving enough of a trail to connect to her if someone else starts digging too. We’re split on why.”

Alec had no knowledge of this woman other than the look on her face for a single moment while she stared at him. Still, he was sort of convinced it was the second reason. “We have a name?”

“Nell Blackwick. She works in the Inquisitor’s office. She’s not incredibly high ranking but Imogen has really taken her under her wing in the last couple of years.” Izzy turned her laptop around to show Alec the picture of the woman on the screen.

“That’s her,” He said. In the picture she was smiling, which changed her face a little because she certainly hadn’t been smiling back in that warehouse, but her eyes were the same. Observant. Untrusting. Smart.

“You’re sure?” Clary pressed.

Alec just nodded. He was incredibly sure.

“Great,” Clary said and she seemed weirdly pleased by it, “Because I started researching that apartment you were in. It _was_ leased, Alec. It was leased a month before the fire and it appears to be paid up entirely through the winter.”

“And you know that _how_?” Alec asked. Clary was getting better with the advanced technology of the Clave but she wasn’t a hacker by any means.

The question made her flush a little, “The owner of the building actually owns a bunch of complexes, enough that they have a computer system that takes care of keeping track of leases and rent and stuff. Jace got me in.”

There weren’t many things that Jace couldn’t charm his way into if he was really determined. Computers included.

“So Nell Blackwick rented my – _the –_ apartment?”

“No, Eleanor Fairchild did.” Clary said and there was still something in her voice that said she was definitely surprised but was still deciding whether to be happy about it or not. “We did a little research. Nell is a nickname for Eleanor and her aunt is Eleanor Blackwick. Nell’s maternal grandmother was a member of the Fairchild family, so she’s some sort of cousin to me.”

“Another point to the whole, she’s covering herself just enough but not trying real hard on purpose theory.” Izzy said, “Her birth announcement in Idris literally says she’s named after her aunt and anyone can trace genealogy trees. She didn’t really go deep into the generations to pick the name. On top of that, she didn’t have to pick a name connected to her at all. No one would have blinked twice at Mary Smith renting an apartment.”

“There’s copies of emails in her profile with them. She originally rented the apartment for just a month. Corporate leasing, I guess. But literally the day after the fire, she contacted them about extending the lease for another six months.” Clary said.

Was that compassion or strategy?

And, who had ordered it?

Though Alec had no kind thoughts left in him for Imogen, he had to wonder if any of that last attempted speech to change her mind had done anything at all. Was this just the work of one rogue woman or was Imogen behind any of it? And, if his sister reached out to her, would she find a trap being sprung or an ally?

There wasn’t only the apartment to consider – Imogen had told him she was having his memories _destroyed_. Except they hadn’t been, they had only been locked away. Who was responsible for that? Were both Nell or was any of it some sort of mercy or regret on Imogen’s part?

“Keep her out of this for now,” Alec decided. “We’ll use her later but I don’t want her involved in the case we’re trying to build.”

“I think she’s mostly just covering her ass. Like, you must have said something that made her think maybe Imogen was wrong and so she’s put in just enough work and just enough _kindness_ towards you that she’d get a lesser sentence if this all got exposed. She’s researching you, yes, but she’s certainly not in any rush. Maybe she’s got half hearted delusions of power and she thinks that she can expose Imogen and get the glory, but she’s definitely not putting in much effort to do it.” Izzy said with audible disgust in her voice.

Clary shrugged, “I’m sort of hoping she’s doing this on Imogen’s command and that it means there some kind of remorse there. I still want her punished, of course, but it might be easier on Jace if she can genuinely apologize.”

Alec made a face. He was pretty sure that wasn’t it. “Maybe.” He said shortly, “But either way we shouldn’t trust this woman.”

Okay,” Izzy agreed. “We’ll leave her out of our plans.

That made him way more comfortable. This woman might have been researching Imogen’s claims and she might have been helping Alec by making sure he had a place to live… but she had still walked away that night in the warehouse. She had still left him there for weeks. It wasn’t as though she couldn’t have reached out to Izzy and Jace at any time.

She wasn’t innocent in this, just was just potentially a little less guilty.

“This is all good work, thank you.” Alec said seriously, “Is there anything else you need to catch me up on before we start combing through the reports?”

The two of them looked at each other before shaking their heads.

“Before we start then, I need to know. Who is running my Institute and how much damage are they doing?” He braced himself for the answer. He didn’t know who had been running his Institute this entire time and if they were ruining all his hard work in making alliances within the Downworld or not.

“Jace couldn’t, obviously. And I couldn’t run an Institute and make sure he was… _okay_.” Izzy said delicately and he knew exactly what she was trying not to say. His hand was resting over Jace’s chest but Alec moved it at her words, needing to feel his _parabatai’s_ heartbeat under his palm.

Izzy saw the motion but she made no comment, “So Lydia took a leave from her Institute and came back to New York. No damage done. She’s really been honoring what you were doing. She hasn’t even stopped the Downworld Cabinet.”

_Lydia?_

That wasn’t what he was expecting at all but he was thrilled it was her. There were few people he trusted with his Institute more. Honestly, in some ways he trusted her with it more than he trusted Jace and that was no slight to his brother. Jace would definitely agree.

“She’s been really amazing, Alec,” Izzy looked like she genuinely meant it, “She pretty much said she could stay as long as we needed her to. Her deputy at her own Institute has been handling things there and she hasn’t made a single comment about finding a replacement to run New York.”

“And Imogen?” Alec asked, voice tight in the effort to keep it even.

Clary answered and Alec knew it was because she was doing a lot of the talking for Jace since this had begun, “At first she was completely understanding, honestly. She even said it herself, that she knew Jace was your deputy so it should have gone to him but that he was obviously in no state to take over and no one could expect him to. At the time I was relieved. Once we hit the one month mark, she started suggesting to me that if Jace took over he might feel like he was _honoring_ you and that would help with his grief. Being productive, taking his mind off of it. That kind of stuff.”

How could a woman who had grown up surrounded by Shadowhunter culture have such a big misunderstanding of what the _parabatai_ bond was? It made no sense. Any rational person would have been glad that the shock of the bond breaking hadn’t just outright killed Jace and she was pushing him to take on a massive responsibility a month after?

Clary clearly agreed, “She was talking to me about speaking to Lydia about a slow transfer of responsibility. Like she made it sound so reasonable. He could ease back in to his old responsibilities, sit in on some meetings, see how it went. Then gradually take on more and more.”

“Lydia came to me about it.” Izzy said before quickly adding once Alec made a face, “Not to like, actually do it. She’s seen Jace nearly every day since she came. It’s obvious to anyone that he was in no way capable of it. She was just warning me that Imogen was making noise about it.”

He should have trusted Lydia more. She was no idiot and she knew the kinds of games that the Clave in general and Imogen specifically played.

“Is she still pushing?” Alec asked.

Clary shook her head meaningfully, “No. I was kind of giving her edited reports of how he was doing. I didn’t want to have to say how bad it was out loud and I definitely didn’t want to say it to his grandmother but once she started pushing I finally arranged for her to come visit. She had been asking for it for awhile and I kept saying no.”

“Did that actually help? It’s not like she’s ever really seen him before anyway.” Alec asked skeptically.

Izzy’s eyes went to Jace, still sleeping quietly in Alec’s lap, and there was visible pain there, “It’s hard to ignore the pain he’s in. Not even she could. I think she was a little shocked. I take that back, I _know_ she was shocked.”

“He wouldn’t talk to her for nearly an hour. He didn’t even really look at her. That was how he was every day, so we were sort of getting used to it but she wasn’t _at all_.” Clary explained and though there was sadness in her voice, she seemed sort of pleased that Imogen had been confronted with what she had done to her own grandson. “When he finally spoke to her, it was kind of awful. You know how his voice sounds right now?” She asked.

_Broken._ Yes, he knew.

She didn’t wait for his answer because she could see it on his face, “It was worse before we knew you were here. Having you has really helped him. Before if he actually spoke to us his voice was… _hard_ to hear. I don’t know how someone could sound so flat and dead while also sounding like they were in such pain but that’s what it was for him.”

“What did he say?” Alec asked the question because he had to but he knew the answer would hurt.

“ _I want to be with Alec.”_ Clary answered.

Alec shut his eyes against the sting of fresh tears.

His throat was too tight to ask about Imogen’s reaction but Clary understood well enough to keep talking.

“She reacted like he had punched her, honestly. I…” Her face went hard with anger, “I actually felt bad for her.”

“At least she stopped talking about him taking over the Institute.” Izzy said quietly with a dark sort of satisfaction in her voice. “It switched to him going to the Silent Brothers for treatment. That was actually something we considered but to do that we would have to let him go alone and…”

And they didn’t trust the Silent Brothers to keep Jace from killing himself.

Not only would they not have watched him as closely as Izzy and Clary, they also might have not even tried to stop him.

There were some people who probably quietly judged Clary and Izzy for stopping him from doing it. People who thought that the two of them were being cruel and selfish from keeping Jace’s soul here on earth when Alec’s wasn’t.

“What has she said lately?” Alec asked. He wasn’t planning on dragging this out long but he also wanted to make sure she didn’t suspect and start working against them.

Clary was the only one who had spoken to her, so she answered, “This was all right before we found out about you. She’s noticed that we’ve been away from the Institute a lot. I said Jace couldn’t be there anymore so Magnus had set us up an apartment in the building. She didn’t seem pleased that it was something Magnus was a part of and tried to convince me Jace would be better off in Alicante in the Herondale family home. I’ve been pretending to consider it.”

“But she doesn’t seem like she suspects anything?” Alec pressed.

The redhead looked a little uncomfortable having to be so sure, because she understood how badly it could go if she was wrong. “I don’t think so but I don’t know her or trust her enough to be sure.”

“We need to move quickly on this.” Alec decided. Or rather, reaffirmed the decision he had already made.

“I agree,” Izzy said. “I think if we can get these reports sorted today and start reaching out to the people we can use as witnesses in an actual, _legal_ trial then we’ll be in good shape.”

Alec already had a plan there, “I want to gather as many Clave officials as possible in the Institute. Jia Penhallow is a must. We have to call in every favor we’ve got. Every contact. Get Lydia involved too, because I know she’s got a lot of pull still. Even Mom and Dad, although I’d rather you make it sound more like you have proof of an assassination than telling them I’m alive. We need everyone there, not just Imogen. I want to reveal it all publicly and use that and shock to get a trial done quickly and immediately.”

Izzy and Clary stared at him for a second.

“And people say I’m the dramatic one.” Izzy said finally.

And now for the final bomb, “I want it done the day after tomorrow.”

He didn’t need to spell out for the two of them how important the element of surprise was on this. If they worked too slowly, Imogen might get tipped off and undo a lot of their hard work.

It wasn’t only that though and he didn’t need to spell _that_ out for them either.

He wanted to be made whole again. He _needed_ to be made whole.

And Jace needed it too.

Waiting just prolonged everyone’s pain.

His sister – his wonderful, strong, beautiful sister – only gave him a determined smile and said, “The day after tomorrow it is then.”

They could do this. 

**\---**

He found Jace out on the balcony.

His _parabatai –_ because that was what Jace would always be, rune or not – stared at the darkening skyline with almost rapt attention.

Alec knew he wasn’t seeing any of it.

There was no point in announcing his presence. His footsteps did it well enough and after a day of researching in a group, Jace had to know that Alec would come to him to talk.

Alec stood at Jace’s side silently.

And then he waited.

His eyes traced the reddish purple sky just as intently as Jace’s and he saw just as little. Instead, he saw the look on his brother’s face as he revealed the betrayal of his only remaining blood relative. He so desperately wished that part of Imogen’s punishment could be that memory played for her over and over again for the rest of her life.

The _shock_ in Jace’s eyes. The little expression of actual heartbroken confusion where he thought he must have not understood.

If someone else had watched Jace in that moment, they would have seen the shock. It was obvious; it didn’t take someone who had shared his soul to see it.

They would have absolutely been able to see the anger that had followed it. Anger that had been a slow burn through that numbness that had broken Alec’s heart. Though Jace was helping them research, sometimes he just stopped and stared at nothing with hands clenched in fists so hard that they trembled.

But Alec knew Jace better than the casual observer. In some ways, he knew Jace better than anyone, even Izzy and Clary.

Alec had been the one to sit beside him after nightmares that left him shaking. Alec had been the one to give him his first hug when he had joined their family. It had taken _weeks_ for Jace to trust him enough to allow him that close.

He had known then, although he had only been a child himself, that Jace had literally never let himself be vulnerable with anyone. All he’d had was that drill sergeant of a father that made Robert look cuddly in comparison and no one else.

No one else but Alec.

When Jace had finally opened up to him, when he had whispered his nightmares in the dark or admitted to some of the things his father had done to him, Alec had been there. He knew how to read Jace and see what other people didn’t.

In that moment between shock and rage, there had been only one question in Jace’s eyes…

_What did I do wrong?_

Jace’s first instinct would _always_ be that if he had worked harder, trained harder, done better, he could have stopped someone from hurting him.

From the corner of his eye, he saw Jace open his mouth to speak. He braced himself.

“How could she?”

Jace’s voice was hardly a whisper. Though they were so far from all the people on the street down below, Alec could still barely hear him above the bustle.

“Pride.” Alec answered nearly as quietly. “Blind love for a name and legacy. The belief that I was dead weight holding you down.”

Jace folded in on himself. “I don’t understand how she could see that and get it so _wrong_.”

Alec turned to face Jace and leaned against the balcony railing. His brother’s eyes widened as he reached for Alec with terrified hands and Alec instantly stood back up away from the edge. Instead, he lowered himself down to the ground and tugged Jace down with him.

His brother went down like he was a child again, obeying Alec with wonder and tentative trust. He sat down at Alec’s side and mirrored the way he leaned his back against the railing except he pressed himself as close to Alec’s side as possible.

How many times in those early days had they sat like this on some secluded part of the Institute roof and watched the sun come up?

“What do you mean?” Alec asked him.

“You _do_ hold me down. You hold me back. _I need you to_.” Jace reached out and pulled Alec’s hand into the space between his drawn up knees and chest. “ _Fuck,_ Alec, it was one of the reasons I wanted you as my _parabatai_ so badly.”

“I know,” Alec promised him quietly.

“I talked to her _so much_.” Jace shut his eyes and tipped his head back, “I told her things about Valentine that I’ve only ever told you and Izzy, things I’ve never even told Clary. I told her about coming to the Institute and meeting the two of you and how you guys made me an actual, real person. And she _listened_. She would sit there and listen and then she’d promise me that she wouldn’t ever let anyone hurt me like Valentine did. That no one would ever keep me from the things I deserved. Why…?” His voice broke, “Why does she only think I deserve some desk job that would kill me? Why doesn’t she think I deserve a family?”

Alec felt a hot tear slide down his cheek, “I think she spent so much time idealizing your father after he died, she forgot the real parts. All she could see was the good and the wasted potential. All the things he could have been. And then you came along and she just transferred that all to you. You couldn’t have done anything differently, Jace. It’s just how her head works.”

“No,” Jace shook his head, “No, fuck that, there had to be something. I… Alec, I…”

“Shh,” Alec squeezed the hand that held his so tightly, “There was nothing, Jace. There was nothing you could have said. Nothing you could have done. I tried too, in the warehouse. For a single second I thought I was getting through to her. I was trying to make her _really_ see you. She just doesn’t. I don’t even know if she’s capable of it.”

And because Alec knew the rest of it that had to be weighing on Jace, he kept right on, “Nothing was going to stop her. She was prepared for us in that warehouse. Even if you had fought through all those Clave officials she had with her, the warlocks would have joined in. They would have taken your memories of it too. This was always going to happen.”

Short of killing Imogen, at least. Alec didn’t dare say those words out loud. He knew his brother too well.

“There was nothing you could have done.” Alec repeated. “It’s not your fault. None of this is your fault.”

He knew Jace didn’t believe it. He knew Jace might never believe it.

“ _Parabatai,_ it’s not your fault.”

Jace… _broke._

There was no other word for the way Jace’s head fell down onto his knees as sobs came so hard he shook with it. There was no other word for the way his shoulders shook or the keening cries coming from his mouth.

There was no other word for the way he clung to Alec’s hand.

As carefully as he could, Alec shifted around until he knelt at Jace’s side. He didn’t pull his hand back even when his wrist twisted uncomfortably. His free arm went around Jace’s knees to curl around his side and he bowed his head over Jace’s, pressing his cheek to Jace’s hair to hold him tightly while he got this out. While he mourned the grandmother he thought he’d had.

This, maybe, was Imogen’s true crime.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Up: The games begin!


	20. Chapter Twenty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 5 chapters left!! 
> 
> Thank you all for your amazing support!

* * *

**Chapter Twenty**

* * *

His eyes snapped open and all he could think was _something is wrong_.

The light was just starting to stream through the window and the gentle morning sun did nothing to ease the tightly wound ball of panic pressing against his lungs and stealing his breath.

There hadn’t been a dream. There hadn’t even been a noise.

Alec was just _afraid_.

Staying in the bed, though it was warm and should have been blissful, felt wrong. He stood in one shaky motion that had him sort of swaying once he was upright. He was wearing only a pair of sleep pants and though it was more than he usually wore to bed with Magnus, he felt vulnerable, too undressed for what might come.

The balm had worn off in the night and his scars were waking up with a vengeance, angry for all of the movement he had done since he’d last felt them. That bite of pain had him feeling off-kilter. Too close to the Alec without his memories for comfort.

He was moving before he even really realized it.

Magnus was safe in their bed, finally sleeping peacefully. Alec slipped out the door and into the living room. It was too quiet. Their piles of research had already been organized into a binder that Izzy liked to open and check every few minutes. The binder was out on the coffee table and Alec wondered who had gotten her to set the thing down to sleep.

It felt _wrong_ to be silently tiptoeing around the loft. Like the loft had suddenly become his apartment and he wasn’t meant to be there and people might see him. He didn’t _want_ to be seen. He wanted to hide just as badly as he wanted to make sure that everyone was okay.

As quietly as he could, he cracked the door to the guest room that Izzy, Jace and Clary had taken over. The girls had gently explained to him yesterday that they didn’t want to even chance Jace being alone to do _something_ so they had mostly been sharing a room since the fire.

They had all carried that over to here, even though they knew he was alive and that soon – _hopefully tomorrow –_ things would get better.

The three of them were curled up in the bed sleeping. Even Jace looked peaceful. Much more than he ever did awake. He was in the center and Alec knew that was so he would have to disturb one of them to get out of the bed. Clary even had her legs tangled with his so he couldn’t sneak down the end of the bed away from them.

They were too good at this. Too prepared for anything.

Every time he slept with Jace beside him, he felt some level of comfort from the ragged wound that only ached worse with his memories returned. Now though, the idea of lying down beside them filled him with as much panicky _don’t look at me_ as staying beside Magnus had.

There was no reason for this. Everyone was safe. _He_ was safe.

He backed out of the room and shut the door as silently as he had opened it. And then he just stood there, heart beating too fast and skin feeling too prickly to be looked at.

_Everything’s fine,_ he tried to tell himself. He shut his eyes and tried to take a deep breath. He had his memories back, he had his family, soon he might have his runes. No, soon he _would_ have his runes. He was behind Magnus’ wards. His family wouldn’t let anything happen to him. He knew how to fight. He had his bow.

It wasn’t _enough._ It wasn’t right. He wasn’t right.

Alec wrapped his arms around himself even though the scars at his shoulders protested the stretch. The pain only reminded him of _before_.

_Run. Hide._

He didn’t _need_ to. He repeated all those things about family and safety and his own abilities.

_I know how to fight again. I have my bow. I know where Jace, Izzy and Clary’s blades are. They can fight. Magnus can fight. No one is going to sneer at me. I’m safe. They’re safe. Nothing’s wrong…_

He bit his lip to keep from crying.

He couldn’t run. Running was stupid.

But he could hide. He could make sure no one saw him.

Even when the thought came to him and he saw how childish it was, he _wanted_ it. He needed to go somewhere else. He needed to be alone to try to remember how to breathe.

Going back into their bedroom made him feel even worse. It was all _wrong_. And then the crash of guilt and feeling ungrateful almost knocked him down and his shoulders hunched. How dare he not feel safe in this room?

He almost scurried into the bathroom and shut the door as quiet as he could. He didn’t want to wake Magnus. He didn’t want Magnus to look at him and see _this_.

The door shutting didn’t make anything better. He _knew_ that. He had known it wouldn’t.

But the barrier between him and everything else _should_ have made it better.

He started to sink down onto the ground but that wasn’t right either. None of this was right. He took two steps backwards and nearly tripped over his own feet.

The bathtub wasn’t any better than the bathroom itself but the small, upset thing inside of him wanted another barrier. Another thing to hide behind. It was stupid and childish and he wasn’t that person…

Except he was.

He knelt down on the cool porcelain and braced his hands against the rim of the tub. _Breathe… just breathe._

Nothing was _wrong_! Nothing was wrong. He wasn’t disgusting. He wasn’t weak or pathetic. He wasn’t alone anymore.

But he felt all those things so strongly. Everything was wrong.

Someone knocked on the door and Alec’s stomach dropped. Though his mouth opened to say something to whoever was there, nothing came out. His throat was too tight.

The door cracked open and Magnus’ hesitant voice came from behind it, “Alexander?”

He pulled in a shaky breath, “I-I’m okay.”

There was a pause. Alec bowed his head over the edge.

“Can I come in?” Magnus asked in a voice still hesitant but tinged with understanding.

“No,” Alec answered. His voice broke, even saying the word hurt.

Silence.

Even though Alec had asked Magnus not to come in, even though he didn’t want Magnus to look at him, the thought of the warlock walking away and leaving him was so painful the tears that had been burning his eyes finally fell. In one rush, it was though something broke inside of him. He tried to stifle any sob but the bathroom echoed and the morning was still silent.

The door stayed mostly closed and Magnus didn’t make any move to come in but he didn’t leave either, “Alexander, please let me come in. I don’t want you to be alone.”

He pulled in a ragged breath that didn’t ease the panic in the slightest. “I’m sorry.”

Magnus sighed quietly but Alec still heard it. His warlock’s voice was nearly tremulous for all that it was infinitely kind, “My love, you have nothing to be sorry about. Please, can I come in?”

Alec let his forehead drop to his hands again so he wouldn’t be able to see Magnus. Or rather, so Magnus would barely be able to see him. “Okay.” The word came out sort of strangled but Magnus heard him all the same.

The door cracked open though Alec couldn’t see it and then shut just as softly. Bare feet padded over the tile and then there was the rustle of Magnus’ silk pants as he knelt in front of Alec. “What’s wrong, sayang?”

It was _that_ word that sort of broke him. The name Magnus called him the least. It was somehow more intimate than the rest of them. Something Magnus only really called him when they were alone. The one from his own language.

Alec looked up even though he still only wanted to hide.

Magnus’ glamour was down and instead of making him look powerful and beautiful, like Alec always thought they did, or demonic and disgusting, like Magnus always feared they did, his golden slitted eyes just made him look vulnerable. Maybe as vulnerable as Alec. All of his focus was on Alec and it felt like _so much_.

“I don’t know.” Alec admitted even as the tears kept coming. “I just woke up and… _I don’t know_.” His head dropped down again.

“Did you have a dream?” Magnus asked him quietly.

“If I did, I don’t remember.”

A tentative finger stroked against one of the hands he had gripping the porcelain like it was the only thing keeping him together. “Tell me what you feel.”

“Like _before_.” The words sort of exploded out of him, “And I’m not that anymore. I _shouldn’t_ be. I know who I am and how to be who I am and I have all of you and my memories and that’s all that really matters but I feel… I don’t want anyone to see me and everything feels wrong and I don’t know _why_.”

Everything started tumbling out and Alec felt powerless to stop any of it, “This isn’t anything like before and I know that. I don’t have to find food from the trash and try to pick off any bits of mold or dirt before I try to eat it. I don’t have to steal medicine and hope no one catches me. I don’t need to keep my head down because no one here is going to look at me like I’m lower then dirt. There aren’t any monsters coming after me and tracking me no matter what I do. It’s _over_ , Magnus. So why do I feel this way?”

Magnus was silent for a second before he reached out for Alec. His warm hand pressed to Alec’s cheek, “Because you’ve been through too much to shrug off and be done with. I’m so sorry, darling, I’m sorry for everything you went through… but none of those feelings go away just because it’s over. I wish they did.”

Alec turned his face towards Magnus’ hand, wanting the contact even though some part of his skin was crawling with shame. “We have so much to do. Tomorrow we’re confronting Imogen and there’s still so many people to contact and…”

“Shh,” Magnus cut him off gently, “We’re in a good place right now. Almost all the pieces are in place. Isabelle has it all in hand. You don’t need to power through and pretend that you’re okay when you’re not, Alec.”

“I _want_ to be.” Alec said the words like they were a stunning failure even though he knew they were obvious.

“I want you to be too.” Magnus said as his thumb started stroking Alec’s tearstained cheek, “But I think to get there you have to deal with what’s happened. Burying it might be second nature to Shadowhunters but I think this is too big for your usual and mostly non-existent coping methods.” He said all of that like a teasing little joke but Alec knew he meant it deeply.

Alec said nothing. He didn’t know _what_ to say.

Magnus’ other arm came to curl around his back. The wall of the tub was still between them and Alec’s legs were beginning to ache from the way he was collapsed on the cold hard porcelain but he still didn’t feel like he could move. Magnus had given him back the ability to draw a full breath but the shaky panic was still there in his chest.

“Tell me something, love. Tell me something you haven’t told me yet.” Magnus commanded lovingly.

He bit his lip for a second, thinking of all those moments in another bathroom wondering if he was dying or cursed or hating himself. He thought of Ricky and he flinched. He _couldn’t_ …

“There was a girl, in the beginning.” The words came out in a whisper and even though they hurt, there were others that would have hurt far worse than he could endure. “I was in a park and I said something to myself, I forget what. She heard me and she thought I was talking to her. I think she thought I was like, trying to open a conversation to flirt or something. She looked kind of like Izzy. Same coloring, same makeup. She was literally the first person I actually spoke to.”

Magnus smiled at him as though that were something he was to be proud of, “Some part of you recognized her similarity to Izzy and thought she might be safe.”

“Angelica was _nice_. No one had been nice. I had to make up a name and she came around my other side and saw the scar where my deflect rune was and I was so afraid. I thought that this nice person, the _first_ nice person, was going to change. That she was going to decide I was disgusting too and walk away.”

He felt Magnus go a little tense, “And did she?”

“No.” Alec breathed out the word like the revelation it still was. “She took me to a café and just talked to me, even though she had obviously figured out that I was homeless. Nothing I did was weird to her. When I stared at the menu because I didn’t know what any of it meant or what I liked or what any of it tasted like, she just suggested I go use the bathroom and she would order for me. I did. I sort of took a sponge bath and stole soap and when I got back out _she was still there_. She bought me food Magnus. Food and coffee.”

“I’m glad.” Magnus said with a voice so tight Alec was sort of amazed he was even speaking.

“And then I got back to the apartment and I dumped it all out to see what it was. Under the food, she loaded the bag up with napkins and utensils and seasoning packets and I almost cried. I was so grateful and they felt like so much. Like if I had salt packets I had hope or something. I even used one of those plastic knives to gouge a demon’s eye and get myself free.” He could still feel the terror of that moment and, for maybe the first time, he was a little proud of himself for how he had handled it. Keeping his head enough to think of the plastic knives and then to plunge his hand into the face of a demon was risky and brave. The best he had managed the entire time he had been hunted, probably.

“Then she saved you twice.” Magnus nuzzled his cheek and tried to smile at him. The smile was hollow but Alec understood why.

He nodded, “Three times, maybe. That food came right before the first demon. I was so afraid, I stayed locked inside for days, even through a storm. I would have starved without it. And her smiling at me, Magnus, I needed that more than anything.”

“Darling, you keep telling me things that you think are failures but all I see is strength.” Magnus said carefully, “Being afraid of demons isn’t a character flaw, it’s actually quite normal. You didn’t know what they were. You fought when you had to as best you could, you _kept winning_ , and you tried to find safe places away from demons. Those are logical and brave actions.”

None of it felt that way.

Magnus seemed to sense his feelings on the subject. “And no one _wants_ to be sneered at, Alec. No one’s heart is so hardened or their confidence so strong that being ridiculed wouldn’t shake them. Especially if they have no comfort to help soothe that hurt. You had no one. You had nothing. There was no real safe space for you to retreat to. One person frowning at you on the street might sting a bit now but then you come home to me, in a place you are safe, and you get in comfy pajamas and have a cup of your favorite tea and the Chairman sits on your lap and I come to you and tell you how much I love you… and that person on the street is forgotten. The pain they caused is eased. But if that person sneers and you’re hungry and hurt and afraid and there is no safety and no comfort, then _of course_ you’re affected by it. Of course it scars you.”

“I know.” Alec admitted as his eyes closed against the sting of yet more tears. How badly did he wish that he could have come home to Magnus after someone sneered at him or after that man in the liquor store who thought he was doing drugs?

How badly did he wish he could have come home to Magnus _after Ricky?_

“Your head knows but your heart still hurts. I understand, my love.” Magnus’ lips brushed the corner of Alec’s eyes and he opened them obediently.

The hurt in his own heart was reflected in sad golden eyes. Not just that _Alec_ had been hurt but Magnus’ own centuries old hurt was there too. Magnus understood better than anyone and sometimes Alec forgot that.

He leaned the spare inch between them for a kiss that Magnus was eager to give him.

They were both shaking and the kiss tasted like the salt from Alec’s tears.

Magnus pulled away first, stronger than Alec in this moment. “You’re cold, Alec, and the balm must have worn off by now. Come to bed and let me put more on?”

Though the pain inside wasn’t gone, it no longer threatened to knock him down. The urge to not be seen was still there but somehow Magnus’ eyes were no longer within that need.

“Okay,” Alec whispered.

It took Magnus’ arms to help him steady himself enough to stand. His legs had started going numb from the cold and the lack of blood flow.

Magnus curled an arm around his waist and led him back out into the light to be put back together with love and kindness.

**\---**

Hours later, Alec watched with anxious eyes as Izzy finished her last call. Clary had made some but Izzy was the one with the connections that would get them where they needed to go. Jace would have been better but there were few people in New York or Alicante who weren’t aware of what state he had been in since his _parabatai’s_ death so having him suddenly making courteous phone calls wasn’t really the low profile they were looking to take.

It would be Lydia who placed the last call.

Tomorrow, when the Institute was flooded with high ranking officials and witnesses that could give damning testimony, Lydia would call Imogen to come to the Institute to discuss Jace. She would make it sound like she wanted to discuss potentially transferring power over the Institute over to Jace, Imogen’s dream come true.

What Imogen would portal in to find would be far different.

“That’s Devin in place.” Izzy said with a relieved smile. “We’re set. That’s everyone.”

His sister walked up to him and reached up to rub her thumb over the furrow between his eyebrows.

“Relax, Alec. We’re going to win.”

The surety in her gaze eased the last little bit of worry that he had been carrying all day after his terrible morning. She was right, he knew she was. They had woven a web around Imogen that she wouldn’t find out about until it was too late.

This time tomorrow, one way or another, this would be over.

**\---**

Waking up this morning had been so entirely different than yesterday. There were no feelings of _have to hide_ and that in itself was a blessing. The last thing Alec could do today was hide. In fact, he needed to be the center of attention, to give the show of his life in front of dozens of people.

Alec watched Izzy talk to Lydia on the phone with his heart practically pounding out of his chest. They had worked so hard on this, all the pieces were in place and he was confident that today would go as planned…

But this was literally his entire life on the line. Not just his, but Jace’s too. In a way, it was even Magnus’ life on the line.

“Breathe, my love.” Magnus whispered into his ear as he squeezed his hand.

Alec pulled in as deep a breath as he could manage, obeying almost reflexively.

“You’ve woven a masterful web around her, Alec. There’s nothing we haven’t thought of.” Magnus tried again.

“It all falls to pieces if Jia knew.” Alec reminded him. They were only banking on her _not_ having known. There was no guarantee.

Magnus shook his head insistently, “Not at all. It will be harder certainly, but you’ll still be publicly trapping her as well. This was done in the shadows no matter who knew about it. Laws were broken. They can’t work around that.”

Having someone as brilliant as Magnus Bane believe so deeply in this plan was reassuring but Alec knew that until they were knee deep into it he was going to be nervous.

In contrast to him, Jace looked a hell of a lot better. That wasn’t because he _wasn’t_ nervous, it was because he was finally getting some sort of revenge. Alec had half a mind to frisk him for weapons now that he was finally going to be faced with the people who had done this.

He decided against because he was reasonably sure that Jace understood that outright killing someone was going to really mess up their chances of this going in their favor. If his brother spilt a little blood along the way, Alec was pretty okay with it.

Izzy ended her call and turned to them with a wide smile that was slightly at odds with how pale she looked, “Lydia said that Jia just arrived. That’s the last of them.”

Alec felt a little himself relax just a little. Everyone else was already in place. Imogen, Nell Blackwick, the witnesses they needed to call, everyone in Jia Penhallow’s cabinet… and their parents. Alec felt slightly badly about that. He didn’t think they had actually had anything to do with this, so he was about to reveal his _not death_ to them in the least private and gentle way possible.

The main thing that kept him from being too guilty about it was that if his mother _didn’t_ know what the Clave had done, then she would approve of this plan wholeheartedly. He knew she would.

And if she did know? Well, he wasn’t about to feel too guilty about anything to do with her ever again.

“Ready?” Magnus asked as he held his hand out in preparation for a portal.

“Izzy and I first.” Jace said in answer.

Alec nodded his approval of that and Magnus quickly opened the portal.

Jace went through with Izzy by his side.

Then Clary.

“No matter what happens, I love you.” Magnus said in the few seconds that they were alone, “We’ll be okay.”

He squeezed Magnus’ hand and watched as Magnus went through first. Alec going through alone was for two reasons. One last line of defense and a pointed message. Alec might not have his runes and he might have been gone from their world for nearly two months…

But he was still strong. Still powerful in his own right.

When he stepped through, the entire room was looking at Jace. No one seemed to pay any attention at all the people who came out of the portal after Jace, but that was better. He was himself again, still the Alec that had stood at the front of Ops and commanded an entire room of Shadowhunters who stared at him awaiting his orders…

But he was also still the Alec who didn’t really want anyone to look at him.

This was _a lot_ of people who were about to be looking at him.

His shoulders started curling in, hunching in on himself to make himself smaller. Realizing he was doing it was easy. Making himself stop was harder.

He took a split second to survey the crowd. Everyone was confused. They were all there for different reasons, pretty much any reason they could think to call people there. Some on Jace Herondale’s invitation conveyed through Isabelle and Clary, some on Lydia’s. Some were there because they owed someone a favor and standing in the room waiting wasn’t a hardship in terms of repayment. Some were there because they were family friends and still more were there just because everyone else was. Only his sister could have used gossip to get him the numbers and people he needed.

His parents were frozen as they watched Jace stalking towards his grandmother who, thanks to Lydia, was dead center in the middle of the room. He watched Jia and her guards take in the scene with stony faces. That worried him, until he saw the little crease between Jia’s eyebrows. This, if he was reading her right, was worrying her. She looked like she was in pain _for Jace._ She might not have known him well but to her, he was still the leftover half of a broken _parabatai_ bond and most Shadowhunters had strong feelings about that.

Maybe he should have checked Jace for weapons after all.

It was hard to see at this angle but Alec was pretty sure that he could see the glint of a blade pressed to Imogen’s throat.

Jace’s teeth were bared and he looked deranged. If Alec didn’t know his brother better, he would have been certain that Jace had lost his mind.

His parents were finally making their way to the center of the room. Either to talk Jace down or to get Izzy and Clary to do it, because the girls were just standing there watching him with not even an ounce of concern in their eyes.

Everyone else seemed too frozen to know what to do. There were a few people from Jace’s team at the Institute that looked particularly disturbed. On the one hand, they trusted Jace. If he was holding a blade to his grandmother’s throat, they trusted he had a good reason. On the other, he had clearly not been mentally well for a long time and who knew if this was a rational action?

Finally, Jia’s guards started to come towards the two of them and Magnus closed the portal so Alec could hear what was happening.

“I’ll kill you.” Jace said, his voice a low growl.

“Jace, it’s all right.” Imogen said in a low, soothing voice that still shook, betraying her nervousness. “We can help you, all right?” Then, she saw the guards coming towards Jace, “Stop! Don’t touch him! This is a family matter.”

Jace pressed the blade down harder, the edge cutting into her skin and drawing blood.

“I can fix this, Jace, I can fix this for you. You need to stop before… Don’t touch him!” Imogen shouted again. She threw her hand out towards the guards to keep them away from Jace. Her other hand was against Jace’s arm, trying to keep him from cutting her worse, as if she could stop him.

_I can fix this?_

“I’ll kill you.” Jace promised again. In that moment, Alec knew he meant it.

He couldn’t be allowed to do it. Not for their plan to work and not for his own soul.

_“Jace.”_

Alec’s voice echoed in the room.

A hush fell over the crowd as everyone’ eyes pulled to him. The few people who had filled in the gap in the crowd that Jace, Izzy and Clary made when they came in backed away and left him a clear path to the confrontation happening in front of them. He saw his mother falter and he knew instantly she hadn’t known. Not with the way she was looking at him now.

Imogen seemed to finally understand. She tore her eyes from Jace to look at the ghost she hadn’t managed to hide well enough. 

Alec had purposefully worn a shirt with short sleeves to put as many scars on display as possible. Everyone could see and many were as politically savvy as him if not more. The pieces would be easy to put together for some.

Eyes shifted from him back to Imogen.

“I renounce the Herondale name” Jace nearly spit the words out at his grandmother, slow and precise. It wasn’t something he was saying in the heat of the moment. Every line of Jace’s tense body said just how much he meant it. His blade bit a little deeper into her skin.

“Jace.” Alec said again.

Jace slashed down, cutting a thin stripe into her skin. Not deep enough to kill, just deep enough to scar if she didn’t get a rune to heal it fast enough. 

Then, he stepped back, _“I am Jace Lightwood.”_

Alec stepped closer to the center of the room and Jace backed away from his grandmother immediately to stand at his side.

Facing Imogen felt _good_.

She stared at him so blankly, as though she didn’t know what to think. Her hand clutched at her bloody throat and her lips were parted in shock.

_Look_ , he wanted to say _, look at what you did. Look at how you’ve lost._

“I begged you not to do this to him.” Alec said quietly at the start of this. The words were only meant for her but he didn’t care who heard them. “You don’t know a thing about Jace. You don’t even see him. I will protect my _parabatai,_ I promise. He’ll recover from your loss and be stronger for it.”

She hadn’t forgotten her own words back in that warehouse. He saw the hit land with less satisfaction than he thought it would.

“Consul Penhallow.” Alec said as he turned to Jia.

Jia came closer and now that everyone’s focus was on her instead of Jace, her mask was firmly back in place. He couldn’t read her and that worried him. “Alec Lightwood. I wrote your parents a sympathy card.”

“Thank you.” Alec said with a short bow, “I’m sure that comforted them.”

“I have to assume that we’re all here at your behest.” Jia said as she opened her hands to gesture to the room and all the eyes watching them. “Would you care to explain your death and resurrection?”

“It would be my pleasure.” He said as if this wasn’t his entire plan.

Alec turned to face the rest of the room, “I think it’s no secret to anyone here how Imogen Herondale feels about me.” He made sure to project his voice well enough to reach every corner of the room. He wanted everyone to hear him. Any lingering bit of anxiety bled away. Not only did he need to do this – for Magnus, for Jace, for Izzy and for himself – he _wanted_ to do this. “She tried to give her grandson an Institute solely based on his skill in battle, their last name and her pride. He had no desire for it and knew he wasn’t suited to being Head of Institute, so he gave it to me. Inquisitor Herondale has held a grudge ever since. I counted on her love for him to keep her from retaliating in any meaningful way. I was wrong.”

“As everyone here knows, on the night of my supposed death, the New York Institute was dealing with an unprecedented flood of Downworlders gone rogue and demons in the city. Downworlders arrested across the country and turned into the Clave were turning up in New York rabid. There were demons being spotted in the city that hadn’t been seen in decades, although the warlocks who had once summoned them were in Clave custody. This lasted for days. Curiously, there were four missions that kept repeating. Not something simple. It was something specific. It was a rogue warlock in an abandoned building. Four times when no other mission parameters repeated more than twice.”

Alec turned to the crowd and picked out the faces of the Downworld leaders who he had worked with that night and people from his own Institute who had fought those missions.

Light was dawning.

“I don’t think it’s favoritism or bias to admit that I have cause to care for warlock welfare more than other Shadowhunters. I love a warlock. I also love Shadowhunters. Apparently that is cause for concern. My _parabatai_ and I decided to take the fourth mission ourselves. The Institute was spread thin and we were well qualified. We didn’t know that this mission had repeated itself over and over again. We had no idea we were walking into a trap.” Alec continued.

Jia’s calculating eyes cut to Imogen for just a split second and Alec felt another sliver of hope build that she hadn’t approved this.

“When we reached the warehouse, my _parabatai_ was attacked by the hired warlock who knew we were coming. A group of Shadowhunters ushered me into the warehouse by name. When I was brought inside, Inquisitor Herondale was waiting and she was _eager_.” He wanted to emphasize that Imogen’s behavior wasn’t professional or impartial. She had been vindictive, pure and simple. “It took me a while to realize I was on trial and longer still for her to tell me that I had already been convicted.”

That seemed to pull a real reaction from Jia, “How could you not have been at your own trial?”

“I wasn’t even aware that a trial had been scheduled, requested, anything. I wasn’t given my charges, I wasn’t given a chance to defend myself. No witnesses were called. I can’t even confirm if anyone but Inquisitor Herondale was there.” Alec said evenly.

Jia turned to Imogen and their locked eyes were intense. “When Imogen came to me with accusations that you were putting lives at risk in an effort to protect Downworlders, I told her to come back with substantial proof. She did. She had a very strong case. There were multiple incidents where she had proven that you were blatantly not holding Downworlders accountable for their crimes, that you were covering up Mundane deaths… the list was troubling. When I agreed that you needed to be charged and tried, she asked for a quiet, closed door trial. To spare the Lightwoods and her grandson, although I was aware that the Lightwoods were an afterthought to her.”

“Well, the trial was quiet.” Alec said wryly, “No prosecution or defense, the accused wasn’t present, no witnesses were called and no jury or council gave advice. It was Imogen alone.”

His sister stepped forward, “And no evidence either.”

“There were quite a few mission reports,” Jia started to say.

Izzy held her frankly ridiculously thick binder in her hands. She hefted it up into her arms on purpose, trying to emphasize how big it was. “ _Altered_ mission reports. Some were small things like rewording Alec’s phrasing to make sure even when he didn’t actively put Downworlders first it was clear to the reader that he had wanted to. Others were complete fabrications.”

“And I suppose you have solid proof of this?” Jia asked wryly.

She was catching on.

Izzy balanced the folder on one arm and opened to the top. “September 13th, a rogue vampire’s attack on a teenage girl was stopped by two Shadowhunters on patrol. The vampire was staked by Veronica Fairglen and the mundane was saved. According to this report with Alec’s signature on it, Fairglen was reprimanded for staking the vampire and was taken off active duty for a week in punishment.”

“That’s not true!” A voice called out.

Alec watched as Fairglen pushed herself to the center of the room with her signature lack of grace.

“That’s a lie.” Fairglen glared at Imogen, “I wasn’t reprimanded at all. In fact, I was angry with myself for not controlling the situation better but with the mundane injured and my partner knocked unconscious I didn’t see any way of calming the vampire. I had to stake him to save my life but I had doubt in my own actions. When I said that to Lightwood, he told me I had done the right thing.”

Imogen said nothing. She stared stonily back at Fairglen as blood seeped through her fingers.

Izzy broke the silence. “July 7th, a mediation was attempted for a den of fire sprites in Central Park. The sprites had killed three mundanes so far and were violent towards the mediation group that Alec supposedly sent. The mediation group only included three Shadowhunters who had all expressed to Alec that they needed more support and a bigger team and that they were sure mediation would not work. Alec sent them anyway. The mission was a failure, resulting in injuries to a new recruit who shortly thereafter requested to be transferred out from New York. That new recruit was Devin Springhaven.”

It was Izzy who had called Springhaven back to New York and he had agreed. He had told her that he owed her brother, so if she needed help he would be there.

“I’m Devin Springhaven,” A young man with strawberry blonde hair came forward, “And that’s not what happened at all. There were seven people on that team and though we were told to attempt mediation we were authorized and encouraged to do what was necessary to force the group to relocate. And it worked. There was a little bit of a scuffle at the beginning and my arm was burned. We talked them down and they agreed to move to a less popular area. There was no loss of life. And…” Devin glanced at Alec.

“Go ahead, speak your mind.” Alec encouraged him, even though he no longer had any authority.

Devin turned back to Jia, “Consul, I _did_ transfer out of New York but that was only because my brother at the Boston Institute had been badly hurt on a mission. He was facing months of physical therapy after a brain injury and I wanted to be there. This was _after_ I asked to be transferred to New York specifically to work for Alec Lightwood because I believe in what he’s building here. Not only that, I had just put myself up for a job in Medical and had gotten the appointment. I was sad to have to let that go and put my career on hold but my brother will always be more important. I apologized to Alec for wasting his time, but when I explained why he was more than forgiving. He said he understood completely and he respected me more for giving up furthering my career for my brother. When I got to Boston, I found out that he had personally arranged a job for me in Medical. Their Head of Institute said that they didn’t normally allow people who had been in their Institute for less than six months to be assigned secondary jobs but that having my Head of Institute personally vouch for me opened the door. I wrote him a letter _thanking_ him. Never once did I submit anything to the Clave in my report of that fire sprite mission or any other saying anything bad about him.” 

Izzy waited a second to let everyone digest his words before she started again. Alec took the opportunity to nod a thank you to Devin.

“On May 27th, a young werewolf attacked a Shadowhunter and caused injuries. The attack was unprovoked. The werewolf in question was let off completely, even though she had no control over her transformation or remorse for her actions. The Shadowhunter recovered and was put on two months punishment in the Institute, was not allowed to leave for any reason and was assigned menial tasks and remedial training.” Izzy said next. Her voice was even and her face was carefully wiped clean of any sort of triumphant expression but Alec knew his sister well enough to see her nerves had started melting away and she was actively enjoying herself.

This time, it was Luke who stepped forward.

Jia knew who he was, although she hadn’t spoken to him since he was Lucian Greymark. He needed no introduction to _her_ but Luke knew what game they were playing.

“I’m Luke Garroway, Alpha of the New York pack, and that’s a lie.” He said with a hard voice.

A man on the outskirts that Alec recognized from the warehouse called out, “Greymark was Valentine’s _parabatai_ and he’s close to Clary Fairchild. He’s lying for them. Why are we listening to this?”

Jia held up her hand, “I want to hear what he has to say.”

Luke stared steadily at Jia, “Bianca is young and she _didn’t_ have a lot of control over her transformations. She had a hard life before the bite…” He was cut off.

“So she gets to attack people?” The man barked.

Jia flicked her fingers at one of her guards who immediately turned to the man. The crowd parted and the threat was obvious.

He shut up.

“The Shadowhunter,” Luke looked to Izzy, “I don’t remember his name.”

“Frosthart.” She answered.

Luke nodded, “Frosthart cornered her and two of her friends. He touched her breasts and made a lewd comment to her. Bianca was scared and lost control. She was only fifteen. After Alec and I spoke about it, we believed her word over his. Her friends were the only witnesses and of coursed backed her but the comments Frosthart made after the attack and the fact that he had three complaints in his file for sexual harassment really sealed it for us. Bianca wasn’t let off completely although I will admit she didn’t feel badly about having hurt him, only for having lost control. I found her a retreat in upstate New York that helps young werewolves who have been dealt a hard hand and need to recover with people who understand and can deal with emotion based transformations. She’s been doing great.”

“Unfortunately Joshua Frosthart couldn’t be here today.” Izzy said and this time she let some of her dark enjoyment of the situation bleed through her voice, “He was arrested a month ago for raping a sixteen year old mundane and attempting to pin the crime on a vampire. He’s in the City of Bones.”

When Izzy turned the page in her folder to another report, Jia held up her hand, “I can clearly see that you’ve proven your point and I’m sure you have many more examples for me but I have a different question.”

They waited.

Jia gestured to his neck. “Explain _that_. Imogen told me you had been found guilty but you had died before sentencing. Besides, deruning wouldn’t be a just punishment for what I thought you had done. Imogen argued that you were malicious in your intent to favor Downworlders but I felt that wasn’t the case. Being stripped of the Institute, absolutely. Time in the City of Bones was likely.”

Alec knew this was going to be a turning point in the crowd’s opinion. “After Inquisitor Herondale told me I had been found guilty, she said that I was going to be deruned, exiled and that she was having my memory wiped. I woke up in an abandoned, empty apartment in California with no memory of who I was, why I was covered in painful scars or why I was being hunted by demons. Nor did I understand the pain of my _parabatai_ bond having been broken.”

Silence.

Absolute, ringing silence.

Alec tensed, waiting to hear what Jia said to that. Even Magnus’ breath caught beside him. The whole room felt heavy.

There was a hardness in Jia’s face that Alec could finally read. It was _anger_. “The law states that if my Inquisitor is accused of a crime, I must oversee the trial.” She said loudly. “The law is hard, but it is the law. No one in this room leaves the Institute without having spoken to me first and being cleared. If I find later that you’ve tried to slip away, you will be found in contempt.”

Izzy stepped closer to her and handed her a list, “These are the people who we called here because they have direct bearing on the situation. The rest of the people here were just so we would have as many important people in the room as we could get.”

Jia took the list and glanced over it. She handed it to the guard who had stuck closest to her, “Send for more guards, we’ll need them. If people aren’t on this list and don’t have testimony for me, they can leave. Coordinate with Miss Lightwood on this. I want each person remaining separated as best we can. There will be no discussion between them until I call for them.”

“The Head of Institute’s office is available for your use, Consul.” Lydia spoke up.

Jia held her hand out to Izzy for the file of their evidence and Izzy eagerly handed it over.

“Then that’s where I’ll be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Up: The fate of Imogen Herondale & Alec Lightwood
> 
> Please tell me what you think!!!


	21. Chapter Twenty One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I give to you this chapter as an offering of comfort and distraction during the painful wait we are enduring. 
> 
> Please enjoy ;)

* * *

**Chapter Twenty One**

* * *

The Consul’s guards were well trained and brutally organized.

Alec was quietly impressed.

They had quickly worked through Izzy’s list, shuffling people out the door and checking their names with her personally before they were allowed out. The whole process emptied about half of the room. Then chairs had been brought in for the remaining group. Each of them was spaced out from each other so any discussion would be obvious.

They were told to sit.

They were told to shut up.

They were told to wait.

It took over an hour for anyone to actually be called to go to Jia. The first to go was Veronica Fairglen.

No one came back once they left.

They had seated Imogen on the other side of the room from Jace and Alec. He was fairly certain that was by design. Without much concern, he wondered if her neck was still bleeding.

Alec would have expected to be overcome with nerves and worry. The wait wasn’t easy or fun but he wasn’t as afraid as he had thought he would be. Even if this didn’t work he knew they had done their best. There was something calming in that knowledge.

If he felt calm, there were so many others in the room who did not. Alec scanned the crowd for the ones that squirmed and found he recognized most of their faces. They weren’t Imogen but he was still proud to take them down too.

And in all those faces, he realized there was another familiar one he hadn’t seen in the crowd before.

After a few seconds of his staring, Eva turned her head and caught his eye. She smiled gently, as though they were still back in that apartment and he was falling to pieces in front of her.

He smiled back at her and mouthed _thank you_.

Even though she had just watched him give that performance back there, it was still not until he looked at her and said something coherent that she truly smiled back at him, her whole face going radiant. She didn’t mouth back _you’re welcome_ because the guards were getting closer on their rounds to keep them all from communicating, but her smile said it for her.

“Face forward.” One of them said to her.

She winked at him and then turned, her white hair catching the light as she moved.

One day, when this was settled and done however that would turn out to be, Alec was going to _really_ thank her. She had saved him when he had nothing left to give and then had done the single best thing anyone could have done for him in that moment by bringing Magnus back to him. He hadn’t known it then, he had been so afraid of the man who was the love of his life, but it was one of the greatest gifts anyone could have given him.

He owed her a lot.

When Eva was called forward, she went willingly to testify.

After about three hours the room was down to about twenty people. Luke was gone. Devin was gone too. Clary had been called and Alec supposed that she was in the Institute waiting for them.

When it was Magnus’ turn, his warlock turned to look at him with such love Alec felt like he might start crying for the hundredth time in the last few days.

“Don’t talk.” The guard said.

Magnus obeyed although he wasn’t willing to let the guard grip his arm to lead him out.

It was nearly twenty minutes later before the man who had shouted at Luke was called. Alec watched him walk with two guards beside him pale faced and visibly sweating.

Jace went after him and Alec tried to catch his brother’s eye as he passed but the guards led him away too quickly.

Then Nell Blackwick went. Then another man Alec recognized from the warehouse that he hadn’t seen in the crowd earlier.

Then Izzy.

“Stare straight ahead,” A guard said and Alec knew he was alone with Imogen.

There was a part of him that wished he could say something else to her but his last words had been enough. Even if he wasn’t given his runes back, even if she wasn’t punished, it didn’t really matter. Jace would never speak to her again. Jace hated her.

She had lost. In the way that counted most to both of them, she had lost.

Then Imogen was called.

Alec shifted in his seat uncomfortably. He had been here for hours, although he wasn’t wearing a watch so he didn’t know exactly how many. At least he was used to ignoring the burning hunger in his stomach by now.

When a guard came to him not five minutes after Imogen left, he got suddenly afraid. The guard’s face was strangely sympathetic though and Alec realized he was holding a water bottle that he passed to Alec silently.

“Thanks.” He said softly when he took it.

The guard didn’t say anything but his kindness spoke volumes.

The gap of time between Imogen and him was the longest of anyone yet. Alec wasn’t sure what to make of that. Was it a good thing? Did it mean that Jia was really grilling Imogen? Was it bad thing? Was Imogen talking Jia around to her side of things?

By the time the guard came for him, Alec felt like he was about to jump out of his own skin.

There was no one in the hall when they led him away but that was probably on purpose. Somewhere, Magnus and Jace were losing their minds and Alec felt badly having to stay separate from them for so long.

_Just a little longer_ , he reminded himself. Even if he wasn’t reinstated, he would still have his siblings and Magnus. He would be with them again soon.

Walking into his own office again was surreal.

“Mr. Lightwood.” Jia said from behind his desk. She gestured to the visitor’s chair, inviting him to take a seat.

Sitting again felt like a punishment but he went easily enough. This was his moment. It was finally his turn to tell the truth.

Jia leaned back in his chair and stared at him, “I barely know what to say to you.” She admitted.

“I have a lot of things I’d like to say to you.” Alec answered truthfully.

“From the beginning, wherever you feel that is.” Jia directed with a calm air around her. If her head was pounding from having to abruptly take on an entire investigation with months of deception and dozens of witnesses to question then she wasn’t showing it. Her always even and calm demeanor was probably half of what had earned her the Consulship. The other half was her record of being impervious to corruption, if Alec had to guess. After Consul Malachi she was exactly who they needed.

Right now, she was exactly who _Alec_ needed.

The words flowed out of him with surprising ease. He stumbled in some spots but he made it through thanks to a combination of determination and desperation.

Imogen’s behavior towards him prior to all of this. Her insistence that his way of doing things was wrong merely because it wasn’t hers. Her determination to ignore all evidence to the contrary. Her continued belief that Jace was meant to be the Head of Institute no matter what.

That night in the warehouse. Every part of it. Even the part where he had begged.

Waking up alone in San Francisco. The confusion, the pain, hunting through that apartment for anything. A part of him felt ashamed having to detail things like eating spoiled food from trashcans and how desperately afraid he had been of the _monsters_. How he hadn’t understood. How he thought he was being punished for something in his past life. The girl mauled to death by a demon looking for him, because she deserved justice too. The injuries, the infection, that final brutal attack.

He left some things out here. He didn’t think she needed to know about the man who had tried to hire him as a prostitute even after he had said no. Nor did she need the thoughts of giving up that he had struggled with in those last few days.

Then being found by Eva and how she had contacted Magnus. Learning to trust his own family again while he healed. Magnus’ work on his memory and how it all came back. Their research into the depth of Imogen’s crimes against him.

Alec didn’t know how long he had been speaking but his throat had gone scratchy and dry. He felt wrung out, like he was ready to sleep for a week.

Through it all, Jia was silent. She didn’t even ask questions. That might have made him nervous but she was listening so intently that he knew she was incredibly invested in what he had to say.

When he finally trailed off, he nearly slumped in his chair. The fire crackled behind him and Jia just stared.

“You should be proud of yourself.” Jia said quietly, “A lesser man would not have survived.”

In all the emotion since he had gotten his memories back, _proud_ _of himself_ hadn’t ever factored in. Alec didn’t know what to say to that so he said nothing at all.

“You’ll get my full report in a few days,” Jia continued when it was obvious he wouldn’t. “It will take me time to get everything together but in the meanwhile I want to fill in the blanks for you and answer any questions you might have.”

_Will you give me my runes back? Can I make my soul and my brother’s whole again?_

Those were his only questions, really, but if she had a plan in mind he wasn’t going to interrupt her. Not yet. Not when they were so close to being done.

“As I told you before, Imogen came to me with concerns. I told her she needed more proof. I was not unaware of her feelings about you and the situation with her grandson and being Head of Institute. She came back with more. You’ve seen it all. I agreed with her course, both that you be punished and that the trial could be quiet.” Jia explained. “She came to me later and said that you had been found guilty and gave me a summary of your trial. Everything seemed in complete order to me. There were Clave officials there, witnesses, _you_ were there. We discussed sentencing although that wasn’t formally suppose to happen for a week. Your ‘death’ kept that from happening. I want to reiterate again that deruning and exile wasn’t on the table. I thought you were idealistic and foolish, certainly not capable of running an Institute impartially. There would be harsh punishment, of course, for the lives lost by your incompetence, but deruning – especially deruning a _parabatai_ – was crossing the line.”

“When you died, of course no one publicized the trial. That would have been in incredibly poor taste. At no point did I think that your death was really a cover up for the punishment Imogen wanted to give you or even that it was a cover up for the fact that there had been no trial at all.” She pulled out a folder and handed it to Alec.

When he opened it, he saw it was a summary of his ‘trial’. He would read it later but at the moment, he was more interested in the signatures of Clave officials present. Nell Blackwick was listed and other names he didn’t know.

Jia saw where he was looking, “It was very kind of them to sign their names to a crime, it saved me quite a bit of work. Your sister missed two of them but I had them brought in for questioning.”

Alec looked up at the word _crime_.

The look on his face must have startled Jia because some of her matter of fact demeanor slid away, “Alec, you must realize that you’re innocent in this.”

“ _I_ know that. I wasn’t sure if _you_ believed it or not.” Alec answered faintly.

Jia looked apologetic, “I’m sorry, I thought it was obvious. Let’s discuss that, then. You’re cleared of all wrong doing and you will have the full apology of the Clave with the final report. I’m incredibly sorry for my part in this, that I trusted Imogen when I knew of her animosity towards you. You will be fully reinstated as a Shadowhunter. I’ve already reached out to the Silent Brothers and they are on-site already to see what can be done about your runes and bond, after we’ve finished this.

Now Alec did slump, he couldn’t help it. His head dropped down into his hands and he pulled in a deep breath in a half-hearted attempt to keep himself from bursting into grateful, exhausted tears.

_They had done it._

He wanted to see Magnus, Izzy and Jace so badly it hurt. Did they know that Jia was finding him innocent and that he was going to be made whole again or where they still waiting somewhere terrified?

He looked up at Jia and saw her shuffling papers on her desk, giving him a moment of privacy to gather himself. “Who knows?”

“I’m sure Imogen has figured it out.” Jia didn’t seem particularly bothered by this either, “Although I didn’t explicitly state her guilt yet. I will tell you that she did mention the original plan was to completely remove your memories. Apparently you said enough to her regarding the idea that her grandson would not be able to cope with your death that she decided to have your memories locked away but left intact instead.”

That explained her comment from this morning – that she could _fix this_ for Jace. She had put in a failsafe just in case things went bad. He was grateful, of course he was, but it didn’t soften his anger at all.

Jia continued, “No one else knows my verdict yet.”

“Did she arrange for the apartment to stay leased?” Alec asked. Hearing of the one little sliver of mercy Imogen had given him and Jace made him curious about the other thing that had allowed him to survive.

“That was Nell Blackwick’s doing. Apparently you said enough in the warehouse that put doubt in your guilt into her head. She was researching all of this herself, although she wasn’t moving with any great urgency.” Jia looked mostly unimpressed, “Until she was sure either way, she made certain you had someplace safe to live.”

Alec was feeling no outpouring of gratefulness.

Jia seemed to recognize that. At the very least, she let the topic go. “I’ll need a thirty minute recess to prepare sentencing and you’re free to rejoin your family. I’ll let you tell them the good news.”

“Thank you.” Alec said with meaning.

Jia seemed mildly uncomfortable with his gratitude and Alec hoped that was a sign towards just how sorry the Clave as a whole was.

“No thanks are needed.” Jia waved it away briskly, “I suppose we’ll leave the details to the report but I should tell you that most of the sentencing for conspirators has already been completed. Three will be in the City of Bones for a period of one year and when they are released they may never hold a position of authority again, within the Clave or an Institute. Two confessed for amnesty and showed remorse so their punishments are less. Most of them tried to claim ignorance that Imogen was operating outside the Clave’s authority, as if legal and Clave sanctioned derunings take place in warehouses with warlocks. Even if it were true that they didn’t know such _idiocy_ would be worthy of punishment. Nell Blackwick is also being given amnesty. She’ll lose her position within the Clave but for the arrangements she made for you along with the information she brought to me during her testimony, she won’t be sent to the City of Bones.”

“And Imogen?” Alec asked tentatively.

He wasn’t sure what he was hoping Jia would say.

When the woman hesitated, Alec leaned in, “May I make a request?”

**\---**

When Alec left the office, the halls were still empty save for a few guards.

One stepped closer, “Your sister has asked I tell you to meet everyone in your brother’s room.”

Alec started running.

He passed people in the hall that stopped and stared at him. Whether that was because they had thought he was dead as of that morning or because of all the drama surrounding his return, he couldn’t say. He didn’t care, honestly. Not yet at least.

The only things he cared about right now were beyond the doorway at the end of the hall.

When Alec practically threw the door open, not even a second passed before he was enveloped in a group hug like he had never been before.

Jace clung to his side, Izzy came around his back to lean on him and Jace, his mother threw her arms around his neck and his father came to his other side to wrap an arm around his back and lean his forehead against Alec’s shoulder as though he was too overcome by emotion to both see and touch Alec at the same time.

Only Max could have made this strange Lightwood cuddle more complete but when no little boy threw himself at Alec, he knew that they hadn’t called for him yet. He understood why, when so many things were still up in the air, but Alec wanted to see him as soon as possible.

When he opened his eyes, he saw Magnus and Clary standing together holding hands with teary smiles. They knew as well as Alec did how rare this sort of moment was in their family.

“Get over here.” Alec said to them because they were Lightwoods too now.

His mother immediately let him go to turn to Magnus and Clary, reeling the two of them in with insistent arms that seemed to utterly baffle Magnus. Alec’s eyes stung as he watched Magnus slide an arm around Jace’s back and step into their little circle.

“What did she say?” Jace’s voice was gravelly with emotion and maybe all the screaming he had done earlier.

Alec couldn’t help the grin that stretched so wide his cheeks ached. “I’m innocent, she’s going to clear me of everything and she’s already got the Silent Brothers here to see what they can do about my runes and the bond.”

There was a flurry of gasps and relieved sighs and tremulous laughter.

Jace seemed to sag but Izzy and Magnus kept him from going down until he felt strong enough to get his legs back under him properly.

No one asked about Imogen.

She wasn’t really what mattered.

**\---**

Entering the Hall again was a thousand times easier than the first time.

He had Magnus holding tightly to his arm, unwilling to let him out of his sight after having been separated for so long. He couldn’t imagine how difficult that had to have been for Jace and Magnus. To make up for it he fully intended to stay by their sides as much as possible for the next few days at least. There hadn’t been any quiet time to find his sister and Lydia to ask about some extra time off but he would make time after this.

Alec watched with cold eyes as Imogen was led in by two guards. Overkill for an old woman who seemed even smaller than she had before. That she knew she had lost was so clear in her eyes. Alec expected to feel some sort of triumph but mostly he just felt tired and sad and ready to be done with this.

None of this had _needed_ to happen. Imogen had put everyone through such pain and she had ruined both her own life and her relationship with Jace. For nothing. For _absolutely nothing_. Jace wasn’t going to be Head of Institute or Inquisitor or Consul whether Alec was in his way or not.

Jace was going to be Jace. He was going to be Clary’s love, a Lightwood, a brilliant fighter and strategist. He was going to lead teams into battle with confidence and ferocity. He was going to be kind and merciful when he could be. He was _enough_ , just the way he was. There was nothing wrong with the life he wanted to build for himself.

When everyone was in place, Jia cleared her throat.

“I, Consul Jia Penhallow, have completed the investigation into the alleged crimes of both Alexander Lightwood and Imogen Herondale. In the case of Alexander Lightwood, I find him innocent of all the charges against him. In his role as Head of the New York Institute, he has comported himself fairly and with a dedication to loss of life that is admirable. Valuing Downworlder lives isn’t a crime and there is no evidence that he has placed any Shadowhunter or Mundane in harm’s way merely to protect a Downworlder. What has been done to him is despicable and I personally commend him for surviving in such a situation. He will be reinstated as a Shadowhunter and his runes will be restored by the Silent Brothers as soon as they are able to do so. He will also be reinstated as the Head of the New York Institute.”

There were cheers throughout the room and into the hall outside. _His_ Shadowhunters, the people he had led before all of this, were cheering for him.

Magnus pressed a kiss to his cheek, “I’m so proud of you, darling.”

Alec turned his head and caught Magnus’ lips with his own kiss. He didn’t care who saw it. He didn’t care if they were disgusted or worried about his loyalties. Magnus deserved more kisses than Alec’s lifetime allowed but he would do his best.

Jia cleared her throat after a moment and Alec turned back to her. It was Imogen’s turn.

“Imogen Herondale, you have been found guilty for fraud, treason, using your position as Inquisitor for personal gain, the premeditated and purposeful breaking of a _parabatai_ bond, and for the attempted murder of Alexander Lightwood.” Jia said.

Alec was startled to hear the words _attempted murder_. He wasn’t sure what exactly Imogen would be charged with, the crime against him was fairly unique (although he doubted he was the first troublesome Shadowhunter who had been silenced via deruning by a corrupt Clave official).

Imogen took those words stoically.

Beside him, Jace did too.

“Your actions are reprehensible and indefensible. They cast a shadow over the Clave that I will not tolerate. Your crimes are worth being stripped of your position, deruned and exiled yourself.” Jia said with a heavy, serious note in her voice.

Though Jace wasn’t physically reacting, Alec knew that there had to be some small part of him that was upset about this. Finding out he had a grandmother, the only tie he had to parents he had never known, had been a silver lining for him after the hell that Valentine had put him through.

It ached that he could only guess what Jace was feeling. That he didn’t _know_ made that wound in his soul feel that much worse.

He reached for Jace’s hand and Jace almost immediately gripped him so tightly it nearly hurt.

“That was what your punishment _would_ have been.” Jia said before pausing. She stared Imogen straight in the eyes as she said, “But Alec Lightwood has asked for mercy on your behalf.”

Though Imogen had been doing everything she could to _not_ look at Alec, her eyes went straight to him at this.

He met her gaze steadily. There was regret in her eyes but he knew it was only for having gambled and lost. She wasn’t _sorry_ , not really. There was also resignation and pain and shock.

Alec shifted and made sure to swing his arm a little, just so she would see the hand that Alec was holding.

This wasn’t for _her._ It was for Jace.

It wasn’t even for the Jace beside him at this moment. Right now, Jace was too angry and betrayed. He wanted her blood more than he wanted Alec to ask for mercy.

Eventually though the blinding rage would fade a little. Pain would settle in. Alec didn’t think Jace would ever want to speak to her again and he was fairly certain that Jace would only wish pain upon her.

But there was a chance that Jace might want to say his piece someday. There was an even greater chance that as he learned more about his parents, about his father in particular, that he might feel regret for how things had gone with Imogen.

Alec wasn’t Imogen. He wasn’t willing to put his brother through pain just to have his way.

Her eyes dropped down their hands and she stared at them.

She looked away but Alec knew she had received his message.

“You will be stripped of your title and deruned. You will not retain your position of Inquisitor and you are prohibited from engaging in any Clave business without express Consul permission. This permission is to be used solely in regards to previous events that you might need to bear testimony to. You may not give advice, opinions or assist any Clave official with any task that not what has been outlined. You may never return to the Herondale family home and you are required to live the rest of your days under house arrest in any property you have acquired yourself or one that is part of your Whitelaw heritage. If no such property exists, you may purchase one in Idris and you have one month to make arrangements. You may take no items from the Herondale family home that are not your personal belongings.” Jia outlined clearly. “If you are found to have violated any of these terms, you will be sent to the City of Bones.”

Alec had spent a lot of time sitting in this room thinking about what he would like to have happen to Imogen.

Being removed as Inquisitor went without saying. Being deruned wasn’t something he wished upon even his worst enemy but Jia had been firm. He didn’t wish for her exile, because then Jace might come to regret it or he might need something from her. It was important to him that she be accessible if need be.

So that left keeping her deruned in Idris. Her pride over being a member of the Herondale family meant a lot to her, it was the main catalyst of this whole mess.

They couldn’t take her married name but they could take the influence it brought her. They could take the family home and all the memories and pride connected to it. Those things belonged to Jace and Alec wasn’t letting her hoard them. He wasn’t going to allow Imogen to haunt Jace’s family home if it was a place he ever decided he wanted to go.

None of these things made up for what she had done to them.

But it was a start.

**\---**

The sky had gone dark and the air was almost icy cold as Magnus stole him away for a few moments outside while Izzy went to find whichever Silent Brother had been summoned to the Institute. Before they had even gotten out the doors, Magnus had conjured him a jacket to go over his short sleeves, which said to Alec that Magnus was feeling more than a little worried and protective. He expected a hug or maybe a little check in to make sure they were both okay after all the emotional upheaval of the day.

What he got was a banana.

Alec blinked, a little bemused as Magnus began peeling it for him. “You brought me out here for a banana?”

“You’ve lost enough weight,” Magnus said in a voice that was evenly split between petulant and worried, “I had no idea we would be sitting there so long. I should have made you put snacks in your pockets.”

Under no circumstances was Alec going to say anything about how he had stopped being hungry hours ago or how used to the feeling he had gotten. That would only upset him worse. Besides, he knew his warlock well enough to know that a lot of this fussing was Magnus trying to deal with his own anxiety.

He broke off a big chunk of banana and popped into his mouth obediently. It was everything he could do to keep himself focused on Magnus and not the dark corners of the street. There was nothing to be worried about outside anymore… or rather, there _was_ but he knew how to fight, he was next to an Institute full of Shadowhunters and he had Magnus next to him. There was no reason to be afraid.

And yet his hands had started shaking.

“I wasn’t sure how this whole re-runing thing is going to go.” Magnus continued worrying. “A huge meal might not be the best idea but I didn’t want you to wait to eat any longer. Do you know if it will be painful?”

Alec swallowed and stepped closer to Magnus, getting into his space enough to drop a kiss to his cheek, “Breathe, okay? I’m all right. We’re almost done with this.”

Magnus sighed shakily, “I want to take you home now. I want us to get in bed and stay there for a week.” Then he rushed to add, “But I understand how important this next part is. I would never hold you back from getting your runes returned to you.”

“I know, Magnus, it’s all right. I want to go home too.” Alec reassured him. He took another bite of his banana.

Magnus’s arms came around him, “You’re shaking,” He said unhappily. “What else can I conjure you? Are you cold? Something for the pain? We can put on more balm or I can get you-”

“I’m okay, Magnus.” Alec cut in gently. His scars did hurt and he did feel his strength flagging and it was bitterly cold out but those things weren’t really the problem. Magnus didn’t have anything in his arsenal of potions to take away irrational fears.

“You’re _not_ , although I am so proud of you. That show back there was _masterful_.” Magnus praised and Alec shut his eyes for a split second in response before letting them snap back open. He would _not_ be caught unaware.

Magnus stepped back and peered at him, “Please tell me what I can do. We have time, I can… _Oh._ ”

Alec felt a flush come over his skin. He felt so _stupid_.

“Do you want to go back inside? I’m sorry, love, I wasn’t thinking.” Magnus offered quietly. His arms came up again to bracket Alec’s shoulders.

He shook his head, “No. I’m okay. It’s better I… it’s better I get over it.”

“You’ve done enough today. You’ve done enough these last couple of days since we got your memory back. There’s barely been a moment for you to breathe and process everything. There’s no shame in needing time to recover.” Magnus said the words to him gently because he knew how Alec felt about literally all of it.

“Recover the ability to be outside at night and not have a panic attack?” Alec tried to smile like it was a joke but he could only grimace. This was bad enough even without considering yesterday morning.

Magnus’ hands squeezed so tightly it hurt. The little bite of pain felt grounding although he knew that Magnus hadn’t done it for that reason, that he would be upset about it even. “Do you remember that mission that interrupted our date night? When we stepped away from the table to go assist Underhill’s team? How many Ravener demons did you kill in those seven minutes? I should have kept count but I was mesmerized. You had a sword in one hand and an arrow in the other, it was as though you were dancing you moved so gracefully. And then, in the middle of that dance, you pulled your bow off your back and froze solid. Such precision, such concentration in the middle of that storm. Arrow after arrow hitting its mark. And when it was done, I spelled our clothes clean and we portalled back to the bathroom. When we came out the staff thought we had just had a quickie in their restaurant.”

Alec’s laugh started a little ragged and fell apart quickly. He wanted to hang his head but that same fear that made him want to do it kept him from it. He couldn’t look away from the street in front of them. “That just makes this worse. I know I can fight. I’ve been doing this over half my life. A month shouldn’t ruin that.”

“It wasn’t the length of time that matters.” Magnus countered. He reached out and stroked Alec’s cheek with the backs of his fingers, “Technically, in that situation, the fear of what you _knew_ lurked in the night was all you had ever known. It will take time. And though you can defend yourself admirably, I hope you know that I wouldn’t let anything touch you. Not ever again.”

He knew that. He knew that down to his core.

And he knew that eventually, they were going to have to deal with that too.

“It’ll get better.” Alec said instead with a conviction he didn’t feel. He couldn’t shake off the fear or the shame, but he could _pretend._ He was good at that. “We’re almost done here.”

Magnus saw his words for what they were and he had the grace to let him change the subject. They still weren’t done. Now wasn’t the time to fall apart.

His warlock nodded, “It seemed so obvious to me that of course everyone would see you were innocent but I’ve found the Shadowhunters in general and the Clave in particular to be so stubbornly determined to be right all the time I was worried they would be deliberately obtuse out of arrogance or something.”

“In the beginning, when Jace was confronting Imogen, I saw Jia watching him. There was pity there. Seeing it relaxed me a little.” Alec admitted as he curled an arm around Magnus’ back. Being close to him was soothing.

“Do you think he literally intends to change his name to Jace Lightwood?” Magnus asked curiously.

Alec still didn’t know what to make of Jace’s declaration. They hadn’t discussed it at all. Was it something that Jace had decided on before this morning or had he seen his grandmother and decided in that moment? “We offered years ago but he wanted to keep Wayland to honor his father.”

“He might have taken you up on it during the Morgenstern period.” Magnus said sardonically.

“I was planning on offering then too, if we had gotten a minute to actually sit down and discuss anything.” Alec said it like a joke but he was entirely serious. By the time they did, Jace had found out he was a Herondale and _that,_ Alec had thought, wasn’t really a last name someone just gave up.

At least his voice had stabilized enough that he _could_ make a joke.

Magnus sighed, “I’m stalling. I don’t know if you noticed.”

Alec swallowed down the last of his nearly forgotten banana and used his now free hand to hold Magnus better, “I noticed. I’m letting you, not sure if you caught that.”

“I know why _I’m_ nervous,” Magnus said softly and Alec shivered when he felt his warm breath against the scar where his deflect rune had been. “But why are you? Is there something else you’re worried about?”

He couldn’t speak for a moment. Not even to Magnus. The worry inside of him felt almost shameful and he had some childish belief that if he didn’t say it, nothing would come of it.

Magnus just held him tightly, waiting him out and giving him the metaphorical space to figure out what to say. There was no literal space given. They were both incapable of that.

Finally, Alec managed to whisper, “What if they can’t fix me?”

Magnus pulled in a quick little breath and Alec already knew what he was going to say. _There’s nothing wrong you._

When he didn’t say those words, Alec relaxed a little.

No matter what happened, Alec knew he would never truly be himself again until he got his runes back. He would never feel truly safe in his own abilities and strength. He would never feel right in his own skin.

“I hope it goes without saying that whether you’re runed or not, you have my whole heart and you have the love and devotion of your siblings.” Magnus said softly, “I understand how you feel about this, sayang. The Silent Brothers have centuries of knowledge at their disposal. As do I. If their first examination doesn’t show a path forward, then we will find one together. No matter how long it takes.”

Once, Magnus had promised him that he would do his best to make this right for Alec. That Alec hadn’t known what the depth of Magnus’ promise was, but he did now.

Soft footsteps came towards them and Alec couldn’t care enough to pull himself away from Magnus. He didn’t care who saw him clinging to his warlock.

“Isabelle.” Magnus acknowledged.

Alec knew why his sister had come.

This next part, for now at least, Alec needed to do alone. He soaked up the last few seconds in Magnus’ arms before leaning back.

Izzy looked apologetic but not so much that she said she would give them another moment. Putting this off wasn’t what anyone wanted, least of all him. Being eager didn’t make the anxiety any less.

“They’re ready for you, Alec. It’s time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YOU LOSE IMOGEN! 
> 
> Please let me know what you think! I love hearing from everyone!


	22. Chapter Twenty Two

* * *

**Chapter Twenty Two**

* * *

Izzy led them back into the Institute with a solemnity that only ramped up the ball of anxiety in Alec’s gut.

He wanted this.

He wanted this _so badly_ , but now was the moment he was going to find out if he could actually be healed or not and that was terrifying. He was on the cusp of his life finally and truly being put back together and the idea that after everything – after surviving San Francisco and being found half-dead, after struggling to heal in a place that he didn’t entirely trust, after getting his memories back and revealing Imogen to be the one who had betrayed them – he might be told the damage was too great and he could never truly be made a Shadowhunter or _parabatai_ again…

“Breathe, my love.” Magnus said to him quietly.

Alec wasn’t even sure what breathing _was_. He felt as though he wouldn’t be able to take a full breath until he knew what was to come.

Izzy was leading them, he realized slowly, towards the Infirmary. When they reached the doors, she stopped and turned to one of the chairs, grabbing something from it.

“Put these on.” Izzy said, gesturing towards the bathroom outside the Infirmary.

Alec looked down at the stack of clothes in his hands, “What?”

“Loose drawstring pants and underwear that will let Brother Ezekiel get to the runes on your thighs. I wasn’t sure what you were wearing and I didn’t think you’d want to go full commando in front of a Silent Brother” Izzy explained, “Clary portalled me to the loft, so don’t get weirded out by wearing someone else’s underwear. It’s yours.”

“Hmm,” Magnus said quietly, “I hadn’t really thought through the implications.”

Izzy nodded, “A lot of Shadowhunters don’t bother with runes on their legs for just this sort of reason.”

“Deruning and rerunning?” Magnus joked a little. It was probably designed to make at least one of them laugh but that person absolutely wasn’t going to be Alec.

His sister smiled, “Well, maybe not this _exact_ reason.” Then she nudged him, “Go, Alec.”

“Do you need help?” Magnus asked him. That he didn’t mean changing clothes was obvious. Alec could do that, even with having to navigate around scars. It was more that he was offering to stay close in case Alec was about to fall apart.

And he sort of was, but he also needed to get this done. He was pretty sure if he and Magnus went behind closed doors he would start falling to pieces and he couldn’t do that right now. This was only step one. “No,” He said even when his heart said _yes_. “I’m okay.”

Without another word, he closed himself into the bathroom that served the little waiting area outside of the Infirmary. He was pretty sure the little room was used more for discrete crying than actual bathroom breaks. Stripping off in it only made the weird anxiety build, especially when the clothes he put back on weren’t enough. He was cold and exposed, scars visible in vivid color.

Coming back out of the bathroom was even harder.

Thankfully, it was still only Magnus and Izzy. That was probably by design and he was grateful for whoever had thought of it.

“Shall we?” Magnus said with a smile at him. He gestured towards the door.

Izzy took Magnus’ outstretch hand, “We shall not. Only Alec.”

A mutinous expression came over Magnus’ face, “His runes were removed by magical means, it stands to reason I might be able to help.”

“The situation has been explained to Brother Ezekiel,” Izzy promised him, “And this is what he’s requested.”

“I can do it.” Alec said a little abruptly, “I can do it alone.”

Magnus looked at him with worried eyes but after a few seconds of silence, that faded away. Instead he only smiled supportively, “Of course you can, darling. I’ll stay close in case I’m needed.”

He might have liked to say _yes please_ but he didn’t want Magnus sitting outside these doors for what could potentially be hours. Alec had done that before and it was torture every time. Though he wouldn’t ask that of Magnus, he also didn’t have it in him to encourage Magnus to go home and rest. All the words jumbled in his throat and got stuck.

Magnus reached out and took his hand into his own, “I’ll go check on Jace, shall I? You’ll be all right. Remember what I said, even if Brother Ezekiel’s initial examination doesn’t show a clear way forward, that doesn’t mean everything is lost. We will regroup and research and find a way to restore your runes together, yes?”

Alec nodded, throat still too tight for words. He squeezed Magnus’ hand and only when he felt Magnus squeeze back did he let go.

And then he pushed the doors to the Infirmary open without looking back. If he hesitated at the door any longer, he would never get in there.

The Infirmary was empty at first glance. He appreciated that more than he could say. If he had a crowd of medics coming to watch he would probably have managed to embarrass himself in some sort of panicked show.

He realized Brother Ezekiel was standing by the head of a bed against the wall. When Alec entered the room, he came a few steps forward and gestured to the bed.

_Lie down, Alec Lightwood._

There was, he realized as he walked towards the bed Brother Ezekiel wanted him in, a tremor in his hands. He needed to _know_. Instead of lying down, he stopped in front of him and couldn’t keep from asking the question, “Do you think my runes can be fixed?”

Brother Ezekiel was still for a moment. Though he had no eyes, Alec felt as though he were being examined all the way down to his torn soul.

_You need purification first. Then healing. Only then can the runes be restored._

“But you think you can?” Alec repeated a little desperately.

_Lie down. You will sleep._

“You’re knocking me out for this?” Alec asked him.

Brother Ezekiel said nothing. The Silent Brothers rarely projected any emotion. It wasn’t in their capabilities, generally speaking. In this moment though, there was some sort of calm patience radiating from Brother Ezekiel. It calmed the storm inside of Alec.

He laid down without another question.

There was no way to know how Brother Ezekiel was going to do this – _if_ he was even going to be able to do it. Alec half expected to be examined awake, to have to lie there while a Silent Brother surveyed his scars and decided what could be done.

When Brother Ezekiel raised his hand, Alec braced himself.

The scarred but warm hand laid over his forehead and he heard one last thing.

_Sleep._

**\---**

His nostalgia for everything from the life he had almost lost did not extend out to Infirmary beds.

When Alec woke up he didn’t even have the strength to open his eyes.

“Alexander love, can you wake up for me?”

Magnus’ voice came to him like a dream. Alec clung to it even as his mind took too long to connect it to the hand stroking through his hair.

“Please, darling, just for a moment. Just so I know you’re okay.” Magnus coaxed and there was enough worry in his voice that Alec knew he had to rise up from whatever depths Brother Ezekiel had sent him down into.

Opening his eyes took too much effort. He was a little startled by it. “M’gnus,” He mumbled.

“That’s it, Alec. Open your eyes for me, please.” Magnus brushed his lips over the corner of one of his eye and the tender touch nearly soothed him back down into sleep. Not that it would have taken much even if Magnus wasn’t being so gentle with him.

The first attempt lasted only a few seconds, his eyes fluttering shut before he could even really see Magnus’ face. The second showed a dark smudge above him that might have been Magnus’ hair.

The third got his eyes open but they struggled to focus on Magnus. He tried so hard his eyes ached before he shut them again.

“Are you in pain or are you just that tired?” Magnus sounded genuinely concerned. After everything they had been through, the thought of making Magnus worry _more_ was indefensible. He needed to wake up if for no other reason than Magnus had already been through too much.

Alec put almost everything he had into opening his eyes and letting the world come into focus slowly in a series of blinks that sort of worked.

Magnus was hovering above him, not even a foot away. How long Alec had been with Brother Ezekiel he wasn’t sure. Magnus was wearing the same clothes but that didn’t necessarily mean it wasn’t _tomorrow._ After having almost lost Alec, he knew there was no way that Magnus would leave this Institute without him, even for five minutes to change.

There was something pinched in Magnus’ expression that spoke volumes that not even the soft smile he beamed down at Alec could counter. His makeup had gone creased and his eyeliner had smudged at some point in the day.

“You’re so beautiful,” Alec marveled. It wasn’t a line to make Magnus’ smile go a little easier. It wasn’t Alec paying him a compliment on purpose. It was irrefutable fact. Saying it only felt right.

Magnus _did_ smile but his eyes also went a little glassy with tears. “I look atrocious. Today has gone on far longer than I expected but that’s all right. We’ve accomplished too much to be angry my eyeshadow isn’t as long-wearing as promised. How do you feel?”

Alec blinked so slowly he might as well have called it resting his eyes, “Tired.”

“I noticed,” Magnus’ laugh was a little too teary for Alec to be comfortable with. “They’re back, you know.”

A finger traced down Alec’s deflect rune that sent a shiver through Alec’s whole body. Magnus had barely touched him but the skin felt so sensitive to the touch he gasped. No rune had _ever_ felt like that before. Not even when he had first gotten them.

“Did that hurt?” Magnus asked a little alarmed. He was a shameless fan of stroking Alec’s runes because they normally _were_ a little more sensitive than the rest of his skin and Alec _did_ enjoy it. This though, this was a whole new realm.

The touch lingered even when Magnus had stopped. It was as though Magnus had dragged ice down his rune and it would take a few seconds for the skin to warm back up and forget the shock of cold. That wasn’t to say that the sensation he was feeling was _cold_ , because it wasn’t. If he had to put a word to it, he might have gone with _bright_ , although he knew that made no sense.

“No,” Alec tried to reassure him even while he worked through how the touch had felt. “Just a lot.”

That didn’t seem to ease any of Magnus’ concerns, “A lot in a bad way or…?”

“Didn’t hurt,” Alec promised, “Maybe it’ll be bad if it stays that sensitive forever, but it felt good now.”

He couldn’t imagine dealing with months and months of runes so sensitive he was liable to arch his back from the sheer level of sensation.

Alec had known the runes were back on his body without Magnus saying anything or him seeing it. Not even because he could feel the different points on his body and knew without needing to put thought into cataloguing them that they were all back where they had been before…

Except the one he wanted most.

None were activated but for all his exhaustion, he felt stronger. There was a power to the runes that he hadn’t truly understood before he had lost them.

“Were you awake?” Magnus asked, “While they were healed and put back?”

Alec barely shook his head, “No. He put me to sleep.”

Once Magnus heard that he quickly conjured up a hand mirror that he held up for Alec.

Seeing the deflect rune – the rune he had seen in the mirror every day for years, so long that he hadn’t realized that it had become part of his identity – back in place felt like more of a victory than being cleared by the Clave.

It wasn’t the Clave who made him who he was, not like his runes.

He traced his eyes over the familiar lines and angles of it, testing this new image against so many memories. Where it hit on his shoulder, how close it came to his jaw. The size of it, the look of his own face with a mark of the Angels in view.

His eyes burned.

Magnus tilted the mirror a little and Alec saw his arms. Then the warlock hooked a careful finger under the blanket and lifted it up so he could see the runes on his hips and stomach.

It was then that the gaping hole of the _parabatai_ rune got too hard to ignore.

“The bond…?” He asked. He was afraid of the answer and not ashamed to admit it.

“Jace, Izzy and your parents are with Brother Ezekiel. I’m sure they’ll all be here in a moment. I couldn’t wait to listen, I had to come see you.” Magnus explained.

Alec let his eyes shut as he tried to breathe through the panic about why the bond hadn’t been put back with the rest of them. He knew there was a huge chance that it was only because they needed to formally do the ceremony again but the idea that maybe it couldn’t be done at all was there and Alec couldn’t ignore it no matter how much he wanted to.

Magnus’ hand smoothed back his shirt, “Just breathe, Alec, it’s going to be all right.”

The doors to the Infirmary opened and Alec heard multiple pairs of footsteps rushing towards them. He wished he could just _know_ Jace was coming. He wished he could feel the answer of their bond _through_ their bond. Was Jace upset? Happy? Relieved? Alec didn’t know. He wasn’t even certain his _parabatai_ existed and that was hard enough to deal with.

“Alec!”

Hearing Jace’s voice call his name was a relief. It gave him the prompting he needed to open his eyes again and _look_ for the truth.

And it was there, the second that Alec caught sight of his brother coming to sit on the free side of his bed. There was still that silent scream caught in Jace’s eyes, it hadn’t ever gone away, but there was also happiness. There was no new fresh agony.

“He didn’t put the bond back,” Alec whispered as Jace took his hand into his own and held it tightly.

The lack of a flinch or some sort of reaction that suggested anything bad eased even more of Alec’s concern. As much as there could be until someone told him what would happen. Even then, he would be too afraid to relax much at all, not until it was done and they were whole again.

“Brother Ezekiel says we need to do the ceremony again, like we thought he might.” Jace answered and though Alec could read Jace’s own fears in everything from the clench of his brother’s jaw to the underlying anxiety in his face, there was trust there too. Alec wasn’t sure what Brother Ezekiel had said but apparently he hadn’t made it sound grim and risky.

Izzy came over Jace’s shoulder, “You feel okay, Alec? You look like you just went through ten rounds with a pack of Forsaken.” She was peering at him like he looked particularly pathetic.

“He’s exhausted.” Magnus said for him and Alec didn’t bother protesting and saying he felt fine.

“Healing all those scars and then putting nearly all his runes back in a few hours is a big job,” Izzy said and at least Alec was getting some sort of timeline information. They had started this late morning and so much had happened that Alec felt like it had been days since they had left the loft.

A cold presence slipped into the room and Alec knew it was Brother Ezekiel.

Not just him though, Maryse and Robert came to stand at the end of his bed. They both looked worn and exhausted themselves. He wished he had gotten a better look at them earlier in the day, before they found out he was still alive. How much of this was just this day and how much of it was from before? They kept looking at him like they never had before. It was something he didn’t know how to interpret.

There was love in their eyes though. Love that he had so rarely seen as clearly as he did now.

“Brother Ezekiel was speaking to us about the next step.” Maryse said to Alec with a smile on her face that was so obviously forced that Alec tensed. “He thinks it’s important for you to rest now. He wants to do the _parabatai_ ceremony tomorrow.”

Alec’s first thought was _no!_ he would not wait another minute to have the bond back.

But his next thought was of how heavy his body felt. Of the struggle it was to keep his eyes open.

“It’s okay, _parabatai_ ,” Jace whispered. Alec turned to look at him and he saw no resentment or anger in Jace’s eyes. He wanted this as badly as Alec did but he was willing to wait? “We can do it tomorrow. You need to sleep now.”

“I want to do this.” Alec protested even as his eyes stubbornly drooped.

“You look drunk.” Jace laughed. The sound was a little thick like Jace’ throat had gone tight but it wasn’t angry or disappointed either. “Let Magnus take you home. Go to sleep. I can’t have my _parabatai_ passing out from exhaustion halfway through the ceremony.”

“I’m sorry,” Alec whispered.

Jace leaned down and kissed his forehead, something he had done maybe twice the entire time Alec had known him. It was only for after battles that had nearly gone too wrong to fix. “Don’t be.” Jace whispered back.

He heard Izzy whisper something to Magnus and his mother chime in with something else but Alec’s eyes finally lost the battle. They shut and he didn’t have it in him to open them again. He tried to focus on what they were saying but all he heard were times.

Then two strong arms slid under his back and his knees and Alec didn’t need to focus to know it was Magnus. He knew what Magnus’ arms felt like wrapped around him and he knew what it felt like to lean against his chest.

The sound of a portal opening was barely noticeable. The sway of his body in Magnus’ arm was like being rocked.

Alec was asleep before Magnus ever made it to their bed.

**\---**

When Alec opened his eyes again he was still sleepy, but not in a debilitating way like before. This was more the sleepy he felt when he had been incredibly comfortable and warm and was allowed a slow wake up. It felt especially decadent but incredibly necessary.

The late morning sun was shining through the window, giving Alec a decent idea of just how long he had been asleep. The loft was hushed in a way that it hadn’t been in a while. Alec was nearly restored to what he had been before, he wasn’t hurting anymore and no one thought he was dead.

He turned his head a little and found Magnus leaning on a pile of pillows beside him, as though he had been sitting on the bed next to Alec and had just leaned over and fallen asleep. Actually, if he knew his warlock at all, that was probably exactly what had happened.

Alec took a few seconds to just _look_ at Magnus.

At some point since he had fallen asleep, Magnus had wiped away the tired remnants of his makeup, leaving his face bare. His hair was a mess that Alec didn’t normally get to see. Magnus usually magically fixed any bed head as one of the first things he did in the morning so getting to see him like this was something Alec didn’t normally get. He loved any and every version of Magnus. All of them were radiantly handsome and kind and wise and _perfect_ to him, but he had soft spot for the Magnus that had no barriers up in front of him. The one that let himself be _imperfect_ , even if only for Alec and only for a little while.

He would probably never entirely understand why Magnus wanted _him_ , boring Alec Lightwood, but never again would he doubt it.

Those memories of Magnus finding him would haunt Alec forever.

The look on Magnus’ face when he had come through Cat’s portal not knowing he was coming to Alec’s side was heartbreaking. Seeing Magnus so absolutely shattered and knowing that it was his death that had done that to him…

He had a lot to think about. A lot of research to do. A lot of decisions to make.

Or maybe just one decision, really.

Now wasn’t the time for it, though. He knew that. He couldn’t do something like that right now when they were both recovering. Preventing Magnus’ devastation from Alec’s eventual demise wasn’t the sole reason to make a choice like that. Besides, immortals just didn’t die of old age. It didn’t mean they couldn’t die from other things.

What he needed before immortality was a way to reassure Magnus that he was okay. A way to connect them together so they would always _know_. Know the other was okay. Know if the other _wasn’t_.

He already had an idea for that, but he needed time to look into if it was even possible. Even that wasn’t for today though. Today he had only two objectives in mind.

First, return to the Institute and get his _parabatai_ bond back.

Second, talk to Izzy and Lydia to see if they could work something out between the two of them to give him time to take a sabbatical before he took his Institute back. There might be a side mission in there to gently nudge Jace into maybe taking some time himself.

Alec was so lost in the plans he was building in his head that he didn’t notice when Magnus’ eyes opened. It wasn’t until he heard a soft “Good morning, darling.” That he realized Magnus had woken up.

He turned onto his side to face Magnus better. “Good morning. Please tell me you did more than doze beside me for a couple of hours.”

Magnus magically eliminated a few of the pillows he was propped against so he and Alec were lying face to face in mirror images of each other. “I can’t lie to you about the dozing, but it was definitely for more than a couple of hours.”

When Alec went to speak, Magnus held a finger over his lips, “Don’t be sorry, Alec. Lying beside you like this was… _restful.”_

It wasn’t the sleep that Magnus deserved but Alec supposed it was better than the alternative – Magnus alone having nightmares in the guest bedroom. He wanted to say that he was sure Magnus had slept nightmare free because he would have woken up but he was pretty sure in those first few hours after his runes had been returned to him that he could have slept through anything.

“We’ll take a nap after.” Alec promised, although he wasn’t sure when _after_ was technically.

“Depending on how you feel, we’re due at the Institute at three this afternoon.” Magnus answered.

“Then we’ll go to sleep early,” Alec switched gears.

Magnus just smiled, like he thought it was sweet that Alec was trying to sneak him in more sleep. “That sounds nice,” He said in a tone that was absolutely non-committal. “How do you feel?”

He supposed they were lucky to have made it this far into the conversation before Magnus asked. “Way better. My eyes are staying open and everything.” Alec grinned at him.

“That’s a relief. I thought I had seen you exhausted before but last night was a whole new level.” Magnus said as his hand reached forward to trace his thumb under Alec’s eye, “Your dark circles are still impressive but not having you drop off mid-sentence is nice.”

“I didn’t do that.” Alec protested. At no point did he remember just trailing off mid-sentence.

Magnus raised an eyebrow, “Any sentence you said that was longer than four words, which wasn’t many of them let me add, you took such long pauses between words that at one point I thought you had actually fallen back asleep.”

Alec genuinely couldn’t tell if Magnus was teasing by exaggerating or if he was dead serious. He sounded serious but there was a glint in his eyes that made it hard to tell. “I don’t remember that.” Alec settled on saying.

“I’m a bit surprised you remember talking to us at all.” Magnus admitted and the way he said it just added a point in favor of him telling the truth about Alec falling asleep while he spoke.

“It’s a little fuzzy,” Alec admitted, “Especially at the end. By the time you picked me up, I was pretty much gone.” He tried not to blush when he mentioned the part about Magnus having carried him in front of his entire family. Having Jace and Izzy see it was one thing, having his parents and a Silent Brother witness his boyfriend carrying him around was kind of another.

Judging by the look on Magnus’ face, he had failed keeping the blush away. “It’s edging closer to lunch but do you think you’re up for some breakfast?”

“Definitely.” Alec answered. He sat up intending to head towards the kitchen but Magnus snapped his fingers and a feast appeared before them on the bed. There were four trays full of different foods, which seemed like overkill but his stomach felt empty enough that he might have been able to manage it. He reached for a piece of bacon and took a bite that was punctuated with a groan.

Magnus sat up beside him, pressing one hand to the small of Alec’s back and grabbing a grape for himself, “The bed is too warm to leave now.”

That was true but Alec figured there was an ulterior motive going on. Magnus had said before that it settled him seeing Alec safe in their bed, so he had a good idea of what that motive was. It was fine with him though. He didn’t have a problem eating breakfast in bed with Magnus, especially after the whirlwind that had been yesterday.

“Is anyone else here?” Alec asked curiously. The loft seemed incredibly quiet but that could have just been a spell of Magnus’.

Magnus hesitated for a second before answering, “Your sister and Clary are at the Institute. Isabelle managed to convince Jace to return to the Silent City with Brother Ezekiel for the night. He won’t commit to leaving for full treatment but he was willing to go for the night, especially after I promised yet again to guard you with my life.”

Alec took a few seconds to think over what Magnus had just said.

“That’s good,” He decided. “I don’t know how much they can do for him in less than twelve hours, but it’s good for him to see what it’s like, I think.”

Magnus relaxed a little, “It’s been something that’s come up a lot, him going to the Silent Brothers for treatment. He’s refused every other time.”

“Even when the bond is back, things are still going to hurt.” Alec said the words even though he didn’t like the idea of it. “It’s not like once we do this everything will be okay again. It’ll just be better.”

They were edging dangerously close to the conversation about Alec going back to work. Or rather, Alec not going back to work for a while. He wasn’t worried that Magnus wouldn’t like the idea. Magnus was forever trying to get Alec to take more time for himself. He talked about vacations endlessly. So why he was worried to admit that he both wanted and needed to do it he wasn’t sure.

“Are you alright, love?” Magnus asked. He seemed like he was going to start stroking Alec’s back, his hand moved up like it was going to at least, before remembering how sensitive his recently returned runes were to touch and seemingly deciding better of it. Instead, his hand went back to where it was before and he just patted Alec’s exposed, non-runed skin. “You seemed to go far away for a moment there.”

Alec swallowed his bite of eggs and nodded, “When we go to the Institute later, I need to take some time to talk to Lydia and Izzy.”

Magnus froze, juice cup halfway to his lips, and stayed that way for a good ten seconds. Eating side by side meant that Alec couldn’t see the look on his face well enough but he imagined Magnus was almost ruthlessly schooling his features into something blank and unreadable. “You haven’t missed any major Shadow World events, if that reassures you at all.”

“It does.” Alec answered truthfully. Taking time off would be way more difficult if they were in the middle of something big. “I do want to check in with them and make sure everything has been running smoothly but that’s not the main thing I want to talk to them about. I think… actually, no, I know I _need_ a little more time before I go back to work. I want to see if they’re okay with running things for me for a little while longer.”

Magnus looked absolutely gobsmacked, which Alec felt was kind of an overkill sort of reaction. Like, this wasn’t Alec saying he wanted to go back to work the day after a mission that resulted in an injury. He’d _died_ , sort of.

“You’re that surprised?”

If anything, the question only seemed to add to Magnus’ incredulity. “Darling, you’ve just told me you recognize that you need to take time off from work and you think that wouldn’t surprise me?”

“Surprise you _a little_ , maybe,” Alec admitted as he fidgeted in place, “But you look like I just told you something wild.”

“You wanting time off from work _is_ kind of wild.” Magnus insisted. “How long were you thinking of asking for?”

Alec shrugged, “It depends on what they’re comfortable with but I was thinking a month or so.”

If anything, Magnus reacted even more dramatically to that. It was interesting though that he wasn’t really _saying_ anything. He was obviously trying not to make a big deal about any of it and Alec wasn’t sure why.

“A month,” Magnus repeated as though that sounded fine but he didn’t have big feelings one way or another, “I’m sure Lydia and Isabelle would be able to cover the Institute between them for a month.”

Alec nodded although the whole conversation felt a little off to him, “I’m sure Izzy can handle it, especially if Lydia stays on another week or so to get her caught up. If Izzy didn’t have worry about Jace, she could have taken over before now.”

“Other than the whole grieving the death of her big brother thing.” Magnus added pointedly.

“And that.” Alec agreed. “I’m going to encourage Jace to do the same, at least for a little while. Although a big part of this is for the rest of you, not me, so I don’t know if he’ll agree. I’ll talk to him about it.”

Another pause and this one felt even more uncomfortable.

“The rest of us?” Magnus asked.

Alec shifted on the bed, tired of not being able to properly see Magnus. Not that facing him made him easier to read. Magnus seemed to be doing his absolute best to not give anything away either in facial expression or by the look in his eyes. His words were about it, but he had already given a reason for being thrown off – the utter shock that Alec would want to take time off.

He wanted to _really_ know what Magnus thought about this. He wanted Magnus to say it to him, to ask Alec for what _he_ needed. Not what Alec wanted. Not even what Alec needed. He wanted to know what Magnus needed to help him heal from this. More than that, he wanted Magnus to just tell him.

“In a lot of ways – the ways that really count maybe – you had it worse than I did.” Alec said before Magnus looked almost offended by the words and so he held up his hand to forestall any argument, “I’m not saying California wasn’t hard and awful because it was. I’m just saying, if I had to do that again or think you were dead, I would live those weeks in San Francisco gladly. I never want to be in a world where you’re gone, Magnus.”

Magnus just shut his eyes, “It’s not a competition, Alexander.”

“I know,” Alec leaned in closer, “I know it isn’t. I’m just saying, what you went through is terrible and I don’t want you to pretend otherwise. I want you to tell me how I help you recover from this.”

Magnus opened his eyes and gave him a smile that was watery for all that it was beaming at him, “That’s sweet of you but I have you and that’s all that matters. If you feel you need time to ease back into things, I support that wholeheartedly.”

It was the answer that Alec had expected but not the one he wanted.

He pretended to think that over before saying, “So if I wanted to go back next week instead, that would be okay with you? I feel like if I get back into missions and patrols right away, it’ll all feel more real.”

A lame excuse but he tried to sell it as well as he could. Lying to Magnus always left a foul taste in his mouth but it wasn’t a lie he would let stand for more than about ten minutes probably so he tried to stomach it.

Magnus’ mask faltered for a second.

“Jia didn’t say anything about needing to be cleared, so I should be okay to dive right back in. Besides, my runes are in place so fighting shouldn’t be an issue.” Alec felt sort of like he was digging his fingers into a wound and twisting around, trying to find the maximum level of pain possible.

“You… you’ve lost weight and some of that has to be muscle and you haven’t fought in weeks and…” Magnus words came out in a faint jumble. He looked like his thoughts were racing and he couldn’t get the words to come out at pace with his fevered mind.

Alec shrugged even though he felt like scum, “I’ll get back into shape quick enough, I bet. Besides, Jace can watch my back until then.”

It went without saying his siblings would be all over him on any mission or patrol for a long, _long_ , time to come. Alec purposefully mentioned Jace as his back up instead of Izzy or Clary because he knew it would be a while before Magnus was reassured by that. Not because of Jace not being able to protect him back at that warehouse, but because of how wrecked by this Jace himself was. Jace would guard Alec viciously for their first dozen missions back in the field but he would also be something of a loose cannon during that period too. Too afraid and jumpy.

And Magnus would know that. He had seen it this entire time. He knew Jace better now than he ever had before.

He stared steadily at Magnus, trying to see as unconcerned as possible. _I know you’re scared. I know you need time. Just tell me. Tell me how to help you._

Maybe there was some of that in his eyes too because Magnus’ attempt at a stoic expression just _crumbled_. It was almost painful to watch it happen and Alec couldn’t help but reach out for Magnus, laying a hand on his shoulder in a poor form of comfort.

_“Don’t_ ,” Magnus took his hand between both of his own and cradled it. He leaned down and kissed Alec’s palm and Alec felt a tear fall onto his pulse point, “Please, don’t.”

Alec leaned in closer and brushed his lips under Magnus’ eyes carefully before kissing him for real. Magnus kissed him back almost desperately but he was crying too hard to manage for more than a few seconds before a sob broke them apart.

“Okay,” Alec whispered the promise, “I’ll take some time. Let us deal with this together. I can’t stay away from the Institute forever but I can give it a while until you feel more comfortable. How can I help?”

“I don’t want you to have to hold off taking your life back because of me, but Alec…” Magnus pulled in a shuddering breath that did nothing to calm the tears.

Alec wrapped his arms around Magnus and fell onto his back, pulling Magnus with him until they were sprawled on the bed with Magnus laying on top of him. “You are my life. My family is my life. My work is important to me, but it’ll never be more important than you. If you need time, I can give that to you. Don’t ever be afraid to ask me for something you need. Don’t be afraid to tell me how you’re feeling with this or anything else. I love you, Magnus. I want to help you like you want to help me. Let me, please.”

There were more tears but Alec knew in his heart that these weren’t the heartbroken tears from before. These tears were cathartic. These tears were healing. They said Magnus understood.

In a month or six weeks or something, they were going to have to confront what Alec going back to work meant but that wasn’t for now. Not when they were both so shattered by what had happened. The only way they were going to recover was with each other. He could and would give them time to do that.

They were going to come out of this stronger, Alec was sure of it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Up: A visit to the Interim Head of the New York Institute, a Simon cameo and a ceremony
> 
> Please let me know what you think of the chapter! I hope you enjoyed! :)


	23. Chapter Twenty Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANNOUNCEMENT: You may have noticed that the chapter count increased from 25 to 26. This story will still be complete at 25 chapters but there will be a bonus chapter posted after the final chapter. 
> 
> You have all be so generous with your kudos, bookmarks and especially your comments. I’ve been blown away by how supportive you’ve been. To say thank you for that, I decided to write a bonus chapter that is made up of scenes from Magnus’ POV. I was so nervous that people were going to be angry that the entire story was from Alec’s POV but you were all so awesome about it. Writing the thank you chapter from Magnus’ POV felt right. 
> 
> The chapter is going to be comprised of various random scenes starting from when Alec was found again. I did consider writing after the fire when Magnus thought Alec was dead but this year has been enough of a depressing dumpster fire so I decided against it. Some sections are ones we’ve already seen from Alec’s eyes and some are new. One is post-story. It’s over 20k long, so even though I’m sure I won’t have picked all of your wishlist scenes, I hope I got at least one that people were eager for!
> 
> Thank you again for all of your support for this story. From the bottom of my heart, it means the world to me.

* * *

**Chapter Twenty Three**

* * *

They portalled straight into his old room at the Institute about ten seconds before Alec realized that it might have been reassigned after his death. The thought occurred when they were already in the portal so Alec was bracing himself as they stepped out the other side. If there was some innocent person just coming out of the shower naked or something then he was going to die of embarrassment.

Thankfully, his room had stayed his room. He had never been so happy to see his old dresser before in his life.

Though Alec mostly lived with Magnus, he had decided to keep his room at the Institute. They weren’t at capacity and having a spot to sleep if things got crazy without imposing on his siblings was nice. It also meant that Max had a spot too when he visited, so it just sort of worked out to keep it assigned to him. Most of his stuff had migrated to Magnus’ but he still had some random things that he just didn’t need on a day to day basis or clothes that were too worn out to bother bringing over.

“Jace should be here with Brother Ezekiel soon,” Alec said to Magnus, “I told him to come hang out with you while I talk to Izzy and Lydia. Try and keep him from bursting in, if that’s even possible.”

It was weird making a request of Magnus that he wasn’t even sure he wanted the warlock to fulfill.

It would be easier having the time off conversation with the girls first but that didn’t mean that Alec would be mad if Jace burst in.

Magnus seemed to understand. He leaned in to give Alec a lingering kiss, “I’ll do my best, love. In the meanwhile, permission to snoop through your things?”

Alec laughed, “Permission granted but I don’t think there are many interesting things left here.” Mentally, he was trying to think through any potentially embarrassing things that had been left here on purpose.

“No toys in the bedside table?” Magnus teased with glittering delight in his eyes, “Illicit photographs, perhaps?”

Alec just raised an eyebrow. There was literally _no way_ he would have hidden anything like Magnus was suggesting here.

That just made Magnus giggle a little, like he was particularly amused. It was a change from earlier today so Alec welcomed it.

Instead of staying to get teased about a potential porn stash or something, Alec left the room and shut the door behind him firmly. He had no doubt that Magnus would find something in there to amuse himself but he was pretty sure the inevitable questions would lean more towards _why are you keeping this sweater that looks fifty years old and has four holes in it?_

The halls were quiet, which was a relief. Alec wasn’t really ready to be congratulated about his continued existence by everyone he passed.

It was comforting being here again though. Not just because it had been home for so long, but because this was a place where he had a job and he knew how to do it. Sometimes he marveled at how he was in charge of this place with all its power and history. It made him feel big, important in a way that meant more about worth and connection than arrogance.

Not to mention the glorious feeling of knowing what he was doing. Back in California he had been stumbling through the dark. He hadn’t known _anything_ , not even the basics that he had once learned as a child. Knowledge was power and he’d had none. This place reminded him that he _did_ know. He knew how to fight _monsters_ , he knew how to lead a team into battle. He would never again be faced with a situation where he was so thoroughly outclassed and ignorant again.

Feeling secure in his own skin was something he hadn’t realized he had gained somewhere along the way.

When he reached his office door, he heard voices inside. Izzy and Lydia hopefully but Alec still knocked on the door before just busting it open. He waited a second just in case someone yelled for privacy or something and opened it to find his sister, his ex-fiancé and his Head of Security inside.

“Underhill,” Alec nodded at him with a small smile. The smile grew a little when he saw the absolutely blank look that Underhill was giving him. Obviously he knew what had happened, Alec was sure that even people in Institutes on the other side of the globe were aware, but apparently seeing him in the flesh was still a little startling.

Alec had a feeling he was going to be getting looks like that one for a while.

“Am I interrupting something?” Alec asked even as Izzy and Lydia stood, “I can give you guys time to finish up.”

Izzy pulled him in for a hug, squeezing him tight and shifting around so she was still holding on to him but was standing at his side. “No, we’re finished. Besides, you wouldn’t have to leave even if we were.”

“Sir…” Underhill started.

Alec cut him off gently, “I’ve told you that it’s okay if you call me Alec.”

Underhill gaped at him for a second longer before… “ _I am so sorry._ I should have insisted on a bigger team or noticed the pattern with the missions before I brought it to you and I…”

“Andrew,” Alec held up a hand, “It wasn’t your fault. Jace and I _would_ have been fine handling that on our own if it hadn’t been a planned ambush. And assigning missions isn’t your job. You shouldn’t have and wouldn’t have combed through the mission reports. Jace _was_ but he was looking for a different sort of pattern so he didn’t realize what was happening. I hope you haven’t been feeling guilty this entire time.”

The look on Underhill’s face said that yes, he had been feeling incredibly guilty.

“I’m… I’m glad you’re back.” Underhill settled on saying and though it was heartfelt Alec was sure they were going to revisit this conversation later. That was okay, Alec would say the same thing as many times as Underhill needed to believe that what had happened wasn’t his fault. “I’ll let you start your meeting.”

The man ducked out of the room so fast Alec barely got a chance to blink at the empty space in front of him. The door shut softly behind him though and Alec knew a composure retreat when he saw one.

Izzy let him go then and sighed, “He’s felt really awful, as though he could have done anything to prevent Imogen’s plan.”

“I’ll talk to him again,” Alec said before turning to Lydia as she came around his desk.

He was expecting maybe a handshake or something. What he got was arms around his neck and a hug so fond he could only return it with equal affection.

Lydia wouldn’t have been a bad wife at all.

“I wanted to get a moment with you the other day, but things got… _busy._ ” Lydia said as she gave him a final squeeze before letting him go. Her hand rested on his shoulder still. “When Izzy asked for my help setting up that gathering yesterday, I thought there was some sort of proof for an inside job. I thought you were about to get justice, not that you were going to show up alive and well. I’m so glad you’re okay, Alec.”

Alec smiled at her, “Thank you for coming back here and stepping in for me. When they told me, I was instantly relieved. I knew I could trust the job you’ve been doing here.”

“No thanks needed,” Lydia stepped back from him, “It was my honor.”

Then she went back to the desk and grabbed a thick folder. Not as thick as Izzy’s folder of evidence for his quasi-trial but still impressive, “Because I know you, I went ahead and compiled everything worth knowing about what’s gone on in your Institute.”

Alec took the folder and smiled at is as he traced a finger over it, “Thank you. I do want to know everything, but…”

“But?” Izzy echoed a little confused.

Alec took a deep breath and looked at the both of them, “I wanted to talk to you both to see if we could work something out between the two of you to give me some time before I come back to work.”

The two of them stared for a moment.

“You,” Izzy repeated slowly, “Alec Lightwood, want to take time before you come back to work?”

There was skepticism _dripping_ from her voice.

“I think it’s kind of necessary.” Alec admitted, “For me, yeah, but also…” He trailed off again, not willing to discuss Magnus’ private feelings with them but it wasn’t just for Magnus either. It was for her too. Her and the rest of their family.

Izzy gave him a soft smile and stepped closer to hug him again, “You’re right. The idea of you on a mission right now, putting yourself in danger when we just got you back, that’s literally going to keep me up tonight. And even if you came back and stuck to deskwork for a while, it’s still too soon. Besides, I know you, if you were here you would want to dive back in for real. The paperwork only, no missions or patrol rule would fall to pieces inside of a week.”

He hugged her back, relieved that she wasn’t angry that he was essentially asking her to take on a massive responsibility while he lounged around the loft all day.

“I’ll cover for you for as long as you want when I’m back,” Alec promised as he pressed a kiss to her hair, “I’m serious, any vacation you want, okay?” He looked back up a Lydia to find her smiling at the two of them kind of wistfully, “You too, Lydia. If you could stay just a little bit longer and help Izzy out to get her started, I’ll cover for you at your Institute. Sometime this year once Jace is settled and can help Izzy, I’ll come over to yours to give you whatever break you want.”

“That’s sweet of you,” Lydia said, “And maybe someday I’ll take you up on it but it’ll only be because I trust you with my Institute, not because you’re paying me back for this. There is no debt, all right? I told you, I wanted to come here, no one asked me to do this. And I would be happy to stay a bit longer and get Izzy settled into the Head of Institute job.”

“ _Thank you,”_ Alec said again even though he knew the both of them didn’t want to be thanked.

A little buzzing noise from the pocket of Izzy’s jacket caught their attention. She pulled her phone out and said, “Jace says he and Brother Ezekiel will be here in fifteen minutes.”

“Great,” Alec said, “So we have fifteen minutes for you to tell me if there’s anyone who needs a lecture from a dead guy as a kick in the ass before I go on leave.”

**\---**

The meeting between the interim Head of Institute, the current and formerly late Head of Institute and the future interim Head of Institute went until Alec got a text from Magnus saying that Jace had arrived. Lydia wished Alec a happy bonding and let the two of them go so she could dive back into the paperwork.

He was going to owe her for years, honestly.

“Are you nervous?” Izzy asked as they walked with linked arms to Alec’s bedroom.

“About the having the bond back? No, never. That the ceremony might not work, yeah.” Alec answered and tried not to let his voice waver as he said the last part.

Izzy patted his arm, “It’ll all be fine, Alec.”

“I hope so.” Alec watched out of the corner of his eye as one of the Shadowhunters from Medical stopped and stared at the two of them. He resisted the urge to sigh, “I’m going to talk to Jace about taking some time off too after we finish this.”

“I think it’s vitally necessary.” Izzy said without even needing to stop and think it over. “He’s a livewire right now. Even if he won’t go to the Silent Brothers, he needs time.”

“We haven’t even gotten to talk about Imogen’s sentencing.” Alec said as they turned the corner to the hall his room was in.

“I can’t imagine what he’s feeling about that.” Izzy sighed, “Although I guess you’ll know soon.”

Alec was already bracing himself for it. He wanted their bond back, there was no hesitation in his mind on that point, but neither of them were calm and steady people right now. Jace was a storm of anger and fierce hurt on a good day. Feeling the aftermath of Imogen’s sadism through their bond was going to be painful.

It was a pain that Alec would welcome though, especially if it eased the silent scream behind Jace’s eyes.

When he reached his bedroom door, he didn’t bother knocking. Magnus and Jace knew they were coming.

Or rather, he saw as the door swung open, Magnus, Jace, Clary and Simon.

“Look at Mr. Not Dead!” Simon crowed as Alec and Izzy came into the cramped space. “From one sort of dead guy to another, I have to tell you that I’m happy you’re still around even if you are incredibly grumpy.”

Izzy laughed and Alec abruptly remembered that conversation back when he didn’t have his memory. _Angel please no._

“Hi Simon,” Alec said grudgingly as Magnus came to give him a hello kiss. He had only been apart from Magnus for less than an hour but he still felt a relieved smile come over his face.

“That should qualify as a superpower,” The vampire said, pointing at the two of them.

Magnus raised an eyebrow at Simon after he and Alec broke apart. “My kisses? I mean, I am a fabulous kisser but I wouldn’t call it supernatural.”

Simon rolled his eyes, “I _meant_ that I was getting such a glare and then you step into his sightline and suddenly it’s a goofy lovesick smile.”

He wasn’t sure how he felt about having his smile classified as _goofy lovesick_.

This was apparently as much banter as Jace was able to sit through because he hopped up from where he was sitting on Alec’s bed and said, “Brother Ezekiel is waiting for us.”

The mood changed almost immediately. Not less happy but definitely less animated.

Izzy opened the door wide with a flourish, sweeping her arms out to let everyone go through. Jace charged to the front of the path, hooking his hand around Alec’s arm and tugging.

In another situation, Alec might have made fun of him for it. Called him eager or childish, teasingly of course, and made a joke about it. Now, he let himself be pulled for about ten seconds before he leveled up with Jace and they were both half running.

When the two of them entered the room, Brother Ezekiel had already painted the _parabatai_ rune on the ground. It felt almost eerily familiar but comforting in a soul deep way.

Adding to that familiarity was the anxiety that had his heart pounding. A different kind of anxiety than last time but anxiety all the same.

_“Alexander Lightwood. Jace Herondale.”_

Beside him, Jace flinched.

Apparently he really was serious about the whole Jace Lightwood thing.

“Brother Ezekiel,” Alec said with a respectful nod of his head, “I want to thank you for what you did for me yesterday. And what you’re doing for us today.”

_“Healing you after the desecration of the sacred runes was what was right.”_ Brother Ezekiel said into their minds.

“Is it all right that we’re here?” Clary asked from behind them.

“The _parabatai_ ceremony is usually witnessed anyway,” Izzy answered for them. “I was at their first one too.” She had her arm linked with Magnus’ and she gently pulled him to stand in front of the rune on the ground. Simon and Clary followed along quietly.

_“I can restore the bond, or I can attempt to heal the soul damage already present and you can live your lives unbonded.”_ Brother Ezekiel offered dispassionately.

Jace made an aborted move forward as though he wanted to attack Brother Ezekiel just for suggesting they might not want the bond back. He caught himself but that punching a Silent Brother was his first instinct was answer enough.

“We want the bond back.” Alec said firmly for the both of them.

“ _Very well. Please take your places.”_

Alec and Jace obeyed, facing off with trembling hands and racing hearts. This time was so incredibly different.

Everything felt sort of surreal.

Brother Ezekiel circled around them with his stele in the air, sealing them in their own sacred space.

He gave them that stele to draw the runes. Jace took it first and Alec wordlessly drew up his shirt to uncover the painfully bare stretch of skin where his _parabatai_ rune was meant to be. Jace squatted down in front of him to draw it and the burn of a stele against his skin – the first burn of a stele against his skin since he had been reformed as a Shadowhunter – felt purifying.

Jace drew himself back up to standing in one easy motion. There wasn’t a smile on his face when he handed Alec Brother Ezekiel’s stele but there was a spark in his eyes that was joyful.

Alec did the same for Jace. He drew the rune carefully and slowly, as though he needed to infuse each line of it with his dedication and intent for rune to take.

Then they handed the stele back to Brother Ezekiel, let him take a step back and joined arms.

Flames circled around them and Alec felt sort of like they were there to burn away everything that had come before and cleanse them. It was the same sort of feeling as when Jace had drawn the rune.

A fire hadn’t torn them apart, not really, but it still felt sort of right that burning runes and blue flames would rejoin them.

Their voices shook as they made the vow. They said the words in the same order that they had the first time, both of them saying their original part of the vow.

Though there was no bond in those seconds, Jace still steadied Alec. Having him close. Seeing him so sure.

Then, they reached the final line.

There was no plan. They hadn’t discussed it. They just _knew._

Both spoke, their voice joined together now with more understanding than they ever could have had the first time.

It just felt right, now more than ever.

_“If aught but death part thee and me.”_

In the length of a single blink of an eye, Alec went from alone and torn to euphorically whole again.

There wasn’t any second in between the last word and the bond snapping back into place. Alec didn’t get a chance to panic through a delay. The rune on his hip burned hot, glowing through his shirt and announcing to everyone who could see him that he was _parabatai_ again.

His soul twined with Jace’s and that painful wound inside of him healed in a rush of gentle warmth. Jace’s soul healing his. His soul healing Jace’s.

He could feel Jace again, finally. Feel his soul, feel his strength and vitality, feel the deepest and clearest emotions two people were capable of sharing.

Alec basked in it.

It wasn’t until he opened his eyes that he realized he had closed them. Then it wasn’t until he tried to focus on Jace that he realized he was crying.

_“The bond is complete. We will leave you to settle.”_ Brother Ezekiel’s cold mental touch withdrew and footsteps went towards the door, away from them.

They felt so distant, these other people he couldn’t feel. He knew that would fade. Right in this moment, all he wanted to do was be close to Jace in their own little bubble.

He knew Jace felt it too. With the bond so fresh his emotions felt intense. There was no name for Jace’s feeling of _I just want to stand here with you alone for a little while even though we love the people who just walked away_. That wasn’t a human emotion in the way that the bond normally worked. It was as though Alec could feel the elements of it – relief, prickly, love, complete, overwhelmed, suffocated, free, happy, brave, restored – and was able to translate those things together so seamlessly he could practically hear Jace in his head saying something that wasn’t truly being said.

Alec felt his knees buckle and he didn’t fight it. He just sat straight down onto the cool stone underneath them and Jace went down in the same motion.

He wasn’t sure which of them had felt weak in the knees. It didn’t matter. It was both of them. They were one being and that being needed to sit.

The blue flames were still circled around them. Not blazing like when the bond was being wrought, just gently burning around them sort of like their own warding.

_I missed you_.

They both gasped out an ecstatic laugh in the same second. The gratitude and love rebounded between them. 

Though this bond and this moment was so incredibly sacred to Alec, some merciful part of him wished he could share just a sliver of a second of it with Imogen. He wanted her to feel what she had taken from them. He wanted her to truly understand the bond in a way that no one outside of them could. In some ways, he wanted to gift her with the understanding more than he wanted to give it to Magnus or Clary. They deserved it more but she _needed_ it more.

“Don’t think of her, _parabatai._ ” Jace whispered. “This is only us.”

Alec expected to feel more anger in Jace. Even when Jace was happy, he was also angry. Even when Alec was happy, he was always tensed. It was just part of their souls. Since Magnus and Clary had come to them, Jace had mentioned how free Magnus made him. He didn’t say happy, although it was true, or confident, although that was true too. He said free. Alec knew why because Clary made Jace feel peace in a way he never really had before.

It humbled him that in this moment, Jace wasn’t angry.

“You’re real.” Alec said quietly, “We’re real.”

Jace’s utter joy rushed down the bond to meet his own and they stopped bothering with words.

**\---**

It took hours for the blue flames to completely fade away. Alec wasn’t sure how long but that didn’t really matter. By the time they did, he felt more like himself before that mission gone wrong. The blinding rush of emotion eased off and the bond settled between them.

Alec was curled on his side facing Jace and Jace laid stretched out on his back. They hadn’t left the spots they had taken at the start of the ceremony. They were maybe getting to the point where moving felt okay. Soon, at least.

Happiness, relief and gratitude were still the dominant emotions from the both of them but they were easing back into their normal baselines. Or at least Jace was. It was a little harder for Alec to tell about himself.

It was probably time to speak again, “It’s getting less intense.”

There was a content little rush of agreement through the bond in answer.

Alec laughed, “I kind of want to text Magnus and see if he’ll pop dinner in here for us.”

That made Jace laugh too. There was more agreement and lightness and amusement but there was also a little undercurrent of _stay out there_ so Alec knew they weren’t ready. He especially knew it because he felt the same way. He missed Magnus fiercely but he wasn’t ready for someone to invade them yet. Thinking the word _invade_ in relation to Magnus was a little upsetting and even more proof they still weren’t nearly settled enough.

The first time it had taken so much longer. They needed to learn so much of how to actually live with a bond too. They had been a mess for months. This time was going light-years quicker because they didn’t need to learn anything but there was an added element of being almost aggressively defensive and protective of the bond. Other people had torn them in two so other people were the enemy. That wasn’t true, not really, but it was hard to tell his healing soul differently.

He pulled out his phone and shot off a quick text to Magnus.

_Alec:_ _It’s settling. We’re going to be in here a while longer but we’re okay. Are you still here?_

Giving appropriate weight to how persuasive Izzy could be, Alec figured there was a two percent chance Magnus had been convinced to go back to the loft and wait for him in the comfort of his own home.

It took about twenty seconds for Magnus to respond.

_Magnus: Of course, love. Feeling okay?_

_Alec: It’s intense but it’s so good. Is there any chance you could please portal something to eat in to us?_

His answer wasn’t via text, it was by the sudden appearance of a sort of ridiculous spread of food at the edge of where the flames had been a few feet above their heads.

Jace snorted, “Does he think we’re going to stay in here for a week?”

“You know Magnus.” Alec answered with a fond laugh. Sitting up and sliding across the floor a few feet out of his original spot to get to the food was easier than he thought it would be and he felt the same sort of ease and revelation from Jace. He shot off a quick thank you text to Magnus.

Magnus had given them the same sorts of things he had endlessly offered to Alec as snacks when he didn’t have his memory. Healthy in the extreme, to make up for all the days of no food he had lived. Alec figured there were a lot more of these kinds of snack breaks in his future.

Speaking of…

“I talked to Izzy and Lydia. I’m taking time off after this, for a lot of reasons.” Alec said quietly.

He waited to feel some sort of strong emotion about it from Jace. Relief or surprise or something. There was a little wave of both but that wasn’t the main feeling he got. It was hard to figure out what it meant. Agreement? _Unlocking?_

“I… I think I should too.” Jace said slowly. It was as though he was only having the revelation as he was speaking it to Alec. “Last night, in the Silent City… I didn’t really know how they could help but it _did._ They have this way of helping you look at memories and processing them without the emotion of it. It makes things, I don’t know, not hurt less but like, it makes things easier to deal with.”

“Did they say that they thought they could help you if you stayed with them longer?” Alec asked carefully.

Jace was silent for a moment. “They did. Not just stuff about you… being gone. Stuff about Valentine and now about Imo… _her.”_

There was genuine pain and betrayal emanating from Jace, not just anger. If Alec had wished for Imogen to feel the purity of the bond she had tried to destroy, he wanted her to feel this even more. He had _told her_. He had begged her. She’d had no idea what she was doing to Jace.

And now he couldn’t even say her name.

“I think it’s a good idea,” Alec agreed gently, “If you think they can help, then you should do it. Lydia and Izzy have running the Institute covered between them and I know Clary will help. I’ll be off for at least a month.”

“Not right away.” Jace said quickly, like Brother Ezekiel was coming to snatch him up right that second. “Maybe in a week or something. I don’t want to be…” Jace flushed, “I know you’re safe now and I can feel you but I don’t want to be so far away yet.”

Alec nudged him, “If you wanted to leave right away, I’d say okay because I think the Silent Brothers really can help, but I want you to stay close for a little while too.”

His _parabatai_ tipped his head back, “Angel, how is any of this real? If I couldn’t feel you again I’d think I had really snapped. I _did_ sort of think I’d really snapped. I kept asking Clary if this was all real. All the time, I don’t know how she didn’t get frustrated with me.”

“Because she loves you.” Alec answered simply.

Jace nodded with his face still aiming towards the ceiling. Or the Angels, maybe.

“Think our Head of Institute would let me steal her away for a bit?” Jace asked quietly.

Alec knew he meant after his time in the Silent City. By then, he would likely be back to work himself on at least a part time basis. He figured it would be easier on Magnus’ nerves if Alec eased back in. “Yeah,” He smiled at Jace, “I think she’d go for that.”

“Everyone needs a fucking vacation,” Jace snorted, “Izzy too.”

“We’ll give her one.” Alec promised, “Everyone needs a chance to recover from this.”

There was a pause and Alec waited it out as Jace’s emotions edged into that hurt place that Imogen had created.

“She didn’t just hurt you.” Jace said quietly. His voice was nearly like ice but there was still a wounded undercurrent to it. It made Jace sound younger. “I could never forgive her for hurting you. I don’t normally give a shit what someone does to me but fuck, I don’t even think I could forgive her for hurting _me_. Didn’t she think about anyone else though? I know she doesn’t care about Magnus, but not Izzy? She once told me she respected her. That Izzy was the sort of strong, confident woman she liked to see succeed. She even likes Clary. And _Mom_ … Imogen’s gone through that. She lost my father, she knows that pain. How could she let her hatred over you blocking _my career_ blind her enough that she would force that pain on another mother?”

“I don’t know.” And he didn’t. Maybe he should have tried to play that angle back in the warehouse but it hadn’t ever occurred to him.

“You didn’t need to ask for leniency for me.” Jace redirected the conversation abruptly. “She deserves what she would have gotten.”

“She would.” Alec agreed whole-heartedly. “But you don’t. I don’t ever want you to feel regret about her. As much as I can make it better, I will.”

Jace opened his mouth but nothing came out. Alec knew what he wanted to say. That if she was killed as a result of her punishment, he wouldn’t regret it. He wouldn’t ever feel sadness over it.

Except he couldn’t say it.

“I don’t want to care.” Jace’s voice was so small.

“I know,” Alec whispered, “But you do and that’s okay.”

The pain that Jace was in was sharp and cutting. The betrayal was too fresh. It was good that Jace was going to go to the Silent Brothers for help but that he had reached that point was just another layer of guilt for Imogen. His brother was so strong. He hated admitting any weakness, something drilled into his head by Valentine. In tearing Alec to pieces, she tore Jace too.

She would have a long time to think about it, alone with no power, no friends and no family.

Jace called it leniency. Other people called it mercy. In some ways his request to Jia was that. His most important reason was unchanged. Jace was the priority.

But knowing that Imogen would live years like that? With nothing?

She deserved every minute of it. He wished her nothing but a long, lonely life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWO CHAPTERS LEFT! I can't believe we're almost done!
> 
> Thank you for reading and please, before you go, let me know what you think!


	24. Chapter Twenty Four

* * *

**Chapter Twenty Four**

* * *

The day the Clave report came was the day that Alec realized Magnus had his own revenge to plan.

He had, apparently foolishly, thought that they were done with that. Imogen had received the punishment that they could live with, although not the one she deserved. All her co-conspirators had been sentenced as well. The ones given clemency for information or for having helped him, like Nell Blackwick, had been stripped of their positions in the Clave so even though they weren’t given harsh punishments they didn’t get off clear either. It was _done_.

That was Alec thinking too much like a Shadowhunter.

There was another person in that warehouse who had hurt him that he hadn’t even considered.

Izzy’s face was grim but strangely pleased as she came into the loft after another long day of being caught up by Lydia. “I have a present for you.” She said as she held out a thick report in a yellow envelope.

“From the Clave?” Alec asked before what it was caught up with him, “Oh, Jia’s official report.”

Jace perked up from his sprawl on the couch opposite where Alec and Magnus were curled up together.

His sister nodded, “All the details. I took a peek, it’s got the name you wanted.”

That puzzled him a little but he reached for the envelope anyway…

Only for Izzy to bypass his hand entirely and give the packet over to Magnus.

“Page forty-seven,” She told Magnus with a smirk.

That didn’t clear anything up for Alec but Magnus seemed to understand completely. He pulled the thick stack of papers bound together out in a way that was both haphazard and reverent. As though this was everything he had been waiting for but he was also too eager to pay it the respect that he wanted to.

Magnus flipped through the pages like a man possessed.

“Magnus?”

Once Magnus reached the right page, his finger scanned down it until he hit something three quarters of the way down. What he had been looking for, apparently. What Izzy had already known he would want.

Alec was looking for some sort of emotion on Magnus’ face to tell him what this was. Happiness or anger or satisfaction or _something_.

Magnus just looked blank.

He had gone the kind of still that forced Alec to remember that his lover wasn’t entirely human. More than just the magic, there was always something ancient and predatory in Magnus that Alec wasn’t sure he would ever be able to touch. It wasn’t something that Magnus usually let him see.

He was seeing it now.

“Magnus?” Alec asked again, his voice a little smaller than he meant it to be. This facet of Magnus didn’t frighten him, no part of Magnus truly could, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t healthily respectful of it.

When his warlock looked at him, his glamour was down. His eyes were golden and slit, the pupils so small Alec nearly couldn’t see any black.

He had seen Magnus lose control of his glamour when he was making love with Alec but never once had he seen it because Magnus was angry. Every other time had been a conscious choice.

When Magnus spoke, his voice was deceptively calm. He stared at Alec, though the words were apparently for his siblings, “I have business to take care of. Will the two of you stay with him?”

He phrased the last part like a question but there was no lilt at the end to indicate it actually was one.

“Of course.” Izzy promised seriously. “I’ve already spoken to Lydia. I can stay until you come back.”

There had been a matching confusion in Jace at the start but as each moment went by, it faded more and more. Now there was only understanding from his _parabatai’s_ end of the bond. Understanding and pleasure. He was satisfied about whatever this was and there was a tinge to the feeling that said he was especially happy _for Magnus_.

“Yes.” Jace echoed Izzy’s promise. “No one will hurt him while you’re gone.”

Magnus stood stiffly, in a way that rang incredibly false. Magnus Bane was all grace and fluid movement. Even when he was angry. Hell, _especially_ when he was angry.

A single finger reached for Alec. Magnus was staring at him like he had back at that apartment when Alec hadn’t known who he was. _Worshipful_.

The fingertip that connected to his skin was almost electrically charged. It made the path it took down the side of Alec’s cheek feel almost cold, the bite of magic was so sharp. There was no pain but the more Alec looked at Magnus, the more he realized that the stiff movements and barely there touch was Magnus’ way of trying to contain his power.

Alec couldn’t speak.

A portal opened behind them with barely a flick of Magnus’ wrist. There was no elegant sweeping arc of Magnus’ hand, no showmanship or indication that conjuring a portal was difficult for him. It was as though Magnus was hemorrhaging extra power, bleeding it off to keep himself from exploding with it.

Never had Alec seen Magnus like this.

How had he gotten so angry so quickly? Had this been simmering and Alec hadn’t noticed?

Without another word Magnus entered the portal and disappeared. When he left, the room felt like it got bigger almost immediately.

Alec reached for the report that had started all of this. His siblings didn’t say anything as Alec scanned the page in front of him.

It was testimony from Nell Blackwick, something about getting everything set up for that night in the warehouse. Choosing the location, or rather, possible locations. Assembling the team.

_Hiring the warlock._

Understanding dawned.

There was a name there. It wasn’t one that Alec knew but he had no doubts Magnus knew this person who had stolen away Alec’s memories.

“Magnus is going to kill him.” Alec said quietly.

“Slowly.” Jace agreed with the same savage pleasure that had him drawing his own grandmother’s blood.

“I was so wrapped up in everything with the Shadowhunters, I never even stopped to think about the warlock.” And he hadn’t. It hadn’t even really registered to him that there was a warlock out there who had potentially betrayed Magnus. Actually, it couldn’t have been potential. Magnus had said the mindwork done on him had to have been from someone knowledgeable. Not some young up and coming warlock who didn’t know the situation in New York. Magnus wouldn’t have been so incandescently angry if it wasn’t someone he knew.

“Warlock _s_.” Izzy corrected, amused, “Although I imagine Magnus is less angry about the one that was just there to keep Jace stable through the breaking of the bond.”

Alec stared up at her. His face must have been a little bewildered about the whole thing because she softened. Magnus had turned into someone Alec barely knew and the more savage sides of his siblings in relation to defense of him was always slightly upsetting to him. The gentle smile on Izzy’s face brought her back to herself. An anchor he desperately needed at the moment.

Izzy sat down beside him and wrapped her hand in his, “Magnus needs this.”

Alec knew he did.

He would never deny Magnus this moment to take revenge.

“It’ll send a good message too.” Jace’s eyes were glittering with whatever fantasy was dancing in his head. “I hope he’s gone for days.”

Instead of being alarmed by that, Izzy just laughed, “He won’t be able to be away from Alec that long. What he’ll lack in time, I’m sure he’ll make up for in creativity.”

For his part, Alec hoped Magnus wouldn’t be gone long at all.

He knew better.

**\---**

The next morning, Alec woke up to a bed as empty as the one he had gone to sleep in.

Waking up to Magnus might have been too much to hope for, he’d gone to bed knowing that. Izzy had come over in the late evening and Magnus needed time to track his prey.

Prey that had probably realized by now that he was fucked.

It was incredibly unlikely that the warlock had just been hanging out at home, totally unaware that Magnus Bane was coming his way. Warlocks, as an entire race, were incredibly gossipy people. Alec’s death and resurrection was probably particularly juicy to them. Add in the whole tragic love aspect and Shadowhunters actually being punished for their bad deeds and Alec figured he was currently the talk of the globe. Honestly, he might have been the talk of Edom too.

Somewhere, the warlock who had stolen his memories had to have heard, shit his pants, and started making some sort of plan to save his own skin.

So that meant that Magnus had to hunt this guy down. Alec didn’t think it would take him long, he was too powerful and too well motivated, but still, that was time that was going to take away from whatever his plan was in terms of punishment.

In the meanwhile, Alec had to miss him.

He got ready for the day as though he were going to work – a full shower, shave and outfit – when in reality he was just sitting around the loft with his siblings. The only thing even close to work was making up for Magnus’ absence to Chairman Meow, who he was pretty sure was playing it up to get extra bits of salmon off of Alec’s plate.

When he finally left the bedroom, Jace was already up and running through forms on the balcony. He had a small audience of what looked like four cats who were pretty intent on what he was doing.

Alec went to Izzy instead. His sister was lounging on one of the couches reading one of Magnus’ many fashion magazines. “He talks shit but he actually doesn’t mind the cats.” Alec said fondly. “Like I think he actually kind of likes them.”

Izzy laughed, “Every once and while I hear him talking to them like they’re four year old Max.”

So, overly gentle, slightly nervous and with easy affection.

Jace liked the cats more than he pretended.

Their laughter caught Jace’s attention and once he spied them through the balcony doors he came inside. “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing.” Izzy said with a purposefully bad poker face. Instead of thinking of a plausible lie, sometimes she liked to make it obvious she had been making fun of one of them. The curiosity burned and the frustration rose. It was pretty cunning actually.

Jace merely rolled his eyes, unwilling to play their sister’s game. He dropped down onto the ground in front of the balcony doors and sat cross legged, completing their circle of three.

“You’re still nervous about Magnus,” Jace said to Alec out of nowhere, “Don’t be.”

Alec shrugged. He couldn’t really help his concern. Besides, he had more than just Magnus being on the hunt alone to worry about.

Jace must have caught some shift in his emotions because his eyes narrowed, “What?”

He could make a joke of the whole thing by saying _nothing_ like Izzy. It would probably deflect enough to change the conversation but Alec knew at some point he needed to clue them in to the things he had been thinking about.

His lack of immediate answer had Izzy dropping the magazine and focusing on him. “What’s wrong, Alec?”

“I wouldn’t say anything is _wrong_ ,” Alec prefaced, “I’ve just got some thinking to do about stuff with Magnus.”

Izzy and Jace traded smirks, “Stuff like engagement rings?” Izzy asked.

Alec’s lips parted in silent surprise. That only made the two of them burst out laughing.

“Seriously Alec, you can’t possibly think that we’re surprised you want to marry Magnus?” Izzy said through the giggles.

Well, if she was going to put it that way… “I guess not.” He conceded, “Planning a proposal is something I’m thinking through, yeah, but not the rings. I want to give him the Lightwood family ring.”

Having at least one part of this sorted was a relief.

“Ooh,” Izzy nodded approvingly, “I hadn’t thought of that but I think it’s a really good choice. Magnus respects history, so he’ll like that it’s come down through generations. It’s masculine and it would match his other rings. Wonderfully symbolic, very traditional while also bucking convention because you’re using it to propose to a warlock… good call.”

Her well thought-out analysis was kind of funny. Funny and reassuring.

“He’ll love it, Alec.” Jace added sincerely.

Alec couldn’t help but smile just thinking about his family’s ring on Magnus’ finger. “I hope so.”

“He will.” Jace insisted, “He’d love anything you used to ask him to marry you but I think he’ll like the Lightwood family ring especially. Like Izzy said, symbolism and all that shit.”

“What an adult thing to say, Jace.” Izzy teased him. He shot her a look but she was already refocusing on Alec, “So if it’s not the ring, then is it the proposal? I can help you plan something. Cat too. She’d know what he would like.”

Alec shook his head, “Eventually I’ll figure that out but there’s a couple of other things to sort before that. I want… I want to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him but after this…” He took a deep breath and tried to settle himself, “I had this idea for a tattoo.”

“A _tattoo_?” Jace echoed. Alec could feel how surprised he was by the word.

“A tattoo of the wedded rune.” Alec explained. He hadn’t said any of this out loud to anyone before and the intent way his siblings were listening encouraged him to talk it out with them. “Except I want it to be a magical tattoo. I know there’s no magical equivalent of the bond that you and I have, Jace, and I wouldn’t want to duplicate it or split my soul again, but I want to try to figure out if there’s a way that we can tie some sort of connection into it. I know it would have to be way more general but I’ve heard of different objects that have been enchanted to show the physical condition of a person, or if they’re in danger. Monitoring spells for patients who are really bad off, that kind of thing. And there _are_ tattoos that have spells infused into them. I want to find someone who can cast a spell on our matching tattoos of the wedded rune so that we’ll always know if the other is okay.”

He looked at Jace and Izzy sort of anxiously, “Did that make any sense?”

“It makes a lot of sense, big brother. I know that would be a huge relief to Magnus.” Izzy reassured him.

“Magnus would take it as a _gift_.” Jace said with all the authority possessed by someone who already had that gift.

Alec felt his cheeks flush a little. Still, he was relieved they thought it was a good idea. “I had already had some thoughts about a wedded rune tattoo before all of this, so I had been researching warlock tattoo artists. I liked the idea of having something of Shadowhunter culture done by a warlock for us, you know? I hadn’t thought about adding the spells to it but now it just feels right.”

“I’ve always wondered if tattoos hurt more than drawing runes.” Izzy mused, “I mean, I’ve always had Mundanes mentioning my _tattoos_ and how much they must have hurt.”

Alec shrugged, “I guess I’ll find out and tell you.”

Jace wrinkled his nose, “A needle is going to stab you over and over and over again. Sounds gross.”

“Real encouraging Jace,” Izzy swatted her hand at him halfheartedly.

Their brother easily ducked out of her way. He was smiling but the smile fell a little after a few seconds. “You’re not less nervous.”

Alec opened his mouth but no sound came out. That wasn’t a surprise because he didn’t know what he was going to say.

Jace watched him carefully, “You’re _more_ nervous?”

It was Izzy who said the word Alec couldn’t. “Immortality.”

Alec felt a rush of understanding through the bond from Jace. That his siblings so immediately knew was interesting to him. “Yeah, immortality.”

“Do you think you can find a way?” Izzy asked curiously. There was nothing in her voice that suggested she was angry about what he was contemplating. Not that he’d thought she would be but… _still_.

“I don’t know.” Alec admitted. “There’s always rumors about it, of course, but actually find a way is a different story. I want to surprise Magnus with the tattoo, like an engagement present, but for this I think I’d have to loop him in. He’ll know more than me about it.”

Jace leaned back onto his palms and his voice was carefully neutral, “Have you guys ever talked about it?”

“Not really.” Alec said, “Not like this, at least. Mostly we’ve talked about dealing with my mortality instead of me joining him in immortality. I’d have to make sure that’s something he actually wants but I’m pretty sure…” It seemed wild to him that someone like Magnus Bane would want him potentially until the end of time but everything in these last few months had proven to Alec that it was true. Even if he had never asked. Even if Magnus had never said it.

Izzy shot him a gently exasperated look, “As if there’s even a question.”

There was a blush warming his cheeks, he could feel it. He ducked his head down a little to try to hide it, “Anyway… what do you guys think about that?”

“I think you would be the one who had to be okay with it, not us.” Izzy said the words slowly and carefully and Alec knew why. It still made his heart skip a beat, the thought of forever without them. They were his reason not to do it…

Jace especially.

He knew what a broken bond felt like now. He had lived it. Could he have been happy with Magnus with a broken bond tearing into his soul? Yes, he was sure he could. But he would never be truly whole and he would never stop hurting. That was a sacrifice he had to be sure he could make.

The thought of it always made Alec’s heart pound, even before their bond had been broken.

“I’ve been thinking about it.” Jace said quietly. “More now than ever. Between you and Izzy…” He hesitated.

“Me?” Izzy asked with as much confusion as Alec.

Jace glanced at her and gave her a smirk that came out a little more hollow than usual, “You’re falling for Simon.”

Izzy started to protest but Jace just shook his head, “It’s okay. Don’t lie about it though.”

That shut her up. It shut Alec up too. Were things more serious between Izzy and Simon than he had realized?

“I noticed it before.” Jace said quietly, “Before Alec. I was… _happy.”_

The weird change to his voice didn’t come from the idea that he might be happy about having Simon Lewis as a brother in law, Alec knew that with a sinking feeling in his heart. It was because Jace hadn’t entirely been capable of much happiness at that point and they all knew it.

“I wanted you to have someone. Someone _good_ who makes you laugh. Simon’s annoying but he’s loyal. I think we all know that he and Maia partially broke up because of how much he cares about you.” Jace continued like he wasn’t blowing his siblings mind.

Izzy shook her head rapidly, “No, we’ve never even kissed. We’ve never crossed that line. I wouldn’t do that to Maia. _Simon_ wouldn’t do that to Maia. They broke up for a lot of reasons.”

Jace’s smile was almost tender, “No one thinks you got intentionally in the way of him and Maia, Iz, but you must see how he looks at you. I did, even in that fog.”

Izzy pulled in a deep, shaky breath. Her eyes darted between the two of them like they might disapprove. When she saw the looks on their faces – loving acceptance – she slumped a little. “I really like him,” She admitted quietly.

“And he really likes you.” Jace promised her. “Sometimes he’d sit with me and Clary and he’d chatter and on and on like usual. Almost all of it was about you.”

“He was… when everything was falling apart, he was so good to me. We were barely friends but he reached out anyway. He let me talk for _hours_.” Izzy said with a watery smile. “I don’t think I’ve ever been in any kind of relationship that’s involved so much _talking_.”

Alec laughed, “Lots of talking and no sex. It’s like you’re a whole new woman.”

Izzy didn’t blush, because she was Izzy, but she still tilted her head and widened her eyes. It made them laugh and she joined in almost immediately.

“So,” Jace cut in. “Alec’s in love with an immortal. Izzy’s gonna be with an immortal as soon as they get their act together. Assuming I don’t go out blaze of glory style, I don’t think I can get old and leave you guys behind. Like, who would protect you?” Jace shook his head, “It’s a lot to think about, man.”

This wasn’t where Alec had been expecting this conversation to go _at all_. Neither had Izzy, if the look in her eyes was any indication.

And it was. He knew that look intimately. It was one he had seen in his own eyes for so long.

_Can I love an immortal? If I can, can I love them knowing I’ll get old and sick and die? And if I can love them and if I don’t want to do that to them, can I sacrifice my mortality to stay with them forever?_

“Well shit.” Izzy said softly.

“I didn’t think this was a turn this conversation was going to take.” Alec admitted. “I guess we all have a lot to talk about. Nothing is getting decided right now, okay? No one’s talked to Clary, and Simon and Izzy haven’t even officially started anything yet. I haven’t even talked to Magnus. Let’s not freak ourselves out.”

That was mostly for Izzy, Jace didn’t feel freaked out in the slightest.

All Alec knew was that his heart felt lighter than it had in a long time about the immortality issue. Even if it was only Alec who made that choice, he still had the answers he needed from his siblings.

**\---**

When a portal opened up in the living room, Alec felt an immediate sense of relief. Magnus was home. The deed was done, however Magnus had wanted to do it, and he wouldn’t need to leave again.

Cat laughed at him when he visibly wilted at the sight of her walking into the loft.

“Nice to see you too, dead boy.” Cat patted his cheek.

Jace glowered at her a little. Calling him _dead boy_ was well within Cat’s wicked sense of humor but he could see how his _parabatai_ didn’t appreciate it.

“I thought you were Magnus.” Alec responded a little needlessly. There were three people who could portal directly into Magnus’ wards: Magnus himself, Cat and Clary, who was already there and sitting on Jace’s lap.

Cat took the only leftover seat on the daybed, “I’m aware. I was only teasing you.”

“Did Magnus send you?” Izzy asked from beside him.

“No,” Cat answered, “The whole warlock community has heard about what Vincente did and that Magnus is searching for him so I thought I should be a good best friend and pop in to make sure everything was good here.”

Alec winced, “I didn’t recognize the name when I read it. Are he and Magnus close?”

That was, he was aware, a difficult question to answer for immortals.

Predictably, Cat tilted her head to the side to say _sort of_. “Friends, definitely. You have actually met him.”

That was news to him, “When?”

“Do you remember that party in Norway in the castle made of ice?” Cat asked him.

That got a reaction out of both of his siblings. “The party in the castle made of ice in Norway?” Izzy echoed faintly. “ _Alec_ went to a party in a castle made of ice?”

“Warlock parties are ridiculous.” Alec said yet again even though he had said it to all present many times before. “And yeah, I remember it but um…”

“You were drunk,” Cat finished for him with a laugh, “I’m always impressed when Magnus manages to get you to have more than one drink at a party.”

He couldn’t help but roll his eyes, “It’s going to be a while before he manages it again. Apparently I met the guy who stole my runes and hid my memories and I don’t even remember it.”

“He’s _very_ Italian.” Cat started describing. “Long black hair, I think it was tied back that night. Dark eyes, full beard. His nose is kind of too big but he’s otherwise handsome. He speaks with a strong accent, even still. I’m half convinced he’s putting it on.”

That sounded… maybe familiar? Alec was seriously wracking his brain here. “Did he have a drink that was red and had smoke coming out of it?”

Cat nodded, “Special red wine he makes himself. Tastes like absolute shit but it’s his signature.”

Now that Cat was describing him, Alec was remembering. Magnus had introduced them early enough in the night, so Alec had only been tipsy. Tipsy enough to giggle when Vincente did that double kiss European thing to Magnus and him both. After that Vincente had pretty much ignored Alec to catch up with Magnus. They’d talked about spells, some sort of breakthrough Vincente was having. “He was _nice_.” Alec complained. “I didn’t do _anything_ to him. Why the hell would he do this?”

“He’s got expensive tastes,” Cat shrugged, “The leading guess is a mixture of money and the pride in one upping Magnus.”

“ _One upping Magnus_?” Clary repeated incredulously, “How is killing the person he literally calls the love of his life one upping him?”

That made Cat sort of hesitate. He knew exactly what she was going to say.

“Because most warlocks think I’m more an interesting new plaything to him than anything special.” Alec answered for Cat.

The rush of anger through the bond was unsurprising. The Shadowhunter community, for all that they were mostly displeased by his relationship, were fully aware that Alec was damned serious about it. Shadowhunters loved once and deeply, of course, and pretty much no one potentially threw their whole life away by making out with a warlock in front of the Clave for shits and giggles.

In contrast, the warlock community mostly saw his relationship with Magnus as a passing fancy or some sort of _Magnus Bane is the first warlock to openly date a Shadowhunter, how taboo, how thrilling._

“To the warlocks who don’t see Magnus often and the ones who haven’t met you, yes.” Cat admitted it a little more easily after Alec opened the door to it himself. “Opinion on that changes more and more, especially when he brings you around and they get to see it themselves. Still, I start most conversations with old friends I haven’t spoken to in a while assuring them that yes, Magnus really does have a Shadowhunter boyfriend, no you’re not like the rest of them and yes it really is serious.”

“Then Magnus had better make this count.” Jace said darkly.

Cat nodded in agreement, “Oh, he will. I have no doubts. We’re all watching with baited breath, honestly. After he uncovered that boy in Vincente’s Milan villa-”

“Wait, what?” Clary cut in.

“Oh, I didn’t tell you.” Cat said in an undertone before explaining, “There were apparently two warlocks. Vincente and one who was there for Jace?” At their nods she continued, “He’s _much_ younger. I mean, his name is _Kevin_. He’s sort of up and coming in the healing community. Or at least, he was.”

“He’s dead?” Alec asked grimly.

Cat shook her head and Alec felt a weird sense of relief. “No, apparently the kid was going to turn himself in weeks ago once he heard about what had actually happened. He’s never met Magnus or you. I’ve never met him either. He’s got a low opinion of Shadowhunters and when one approached him about hiring him, he thought it was weird that Shadowhunters were turning on each other but that just proved that you’re all assholes so he might as well take the job, help you guys hurt each other and get paid. They didn’t give any background on Alec or what the crimes were and you said you never saw him?” Cat stopped to confirm with Alec.

He nodded, “No, I didn’t.”

“He says he didn’t hear any of the conversation between you and Imogen. His only job was to keep Jace alive.” Cat relaxed a little when Alec confirmed what Kevin had told them all. “Once he heard about Magnus Bane’s lover’s death, he put two and two together. Not about you being alive, he just thought he had accidentally helped assassinate you.”

Jace’s fists were already clenched, “Then where the fuck was he? If he had come to us with any of this, we could have figured it out. We could have gotten Alec back weeks ago.”

“Vincente,” Cat said again with more feeling, reminding Jace she had answered that question at the start of the story. “He saw things were going south and he grabbed the kid. We think maybe he was going to try to pin everything on him.”

“That would be stupid.” Alec furrowed his brow in confusion, “Magnus said there were only a few people who were capable of doing what Vincente did to my memory. He would know that wasn’t true.”

Cat shrugged, “Maybe that was the best he could come up with in a panic? No one is sure. Obviously it didn’t work and he abandoned Kevin to run. Magnus found him and quickly figured all of that out. He sent Kevin to the Spiral Labyrinth to be sorted out later.”

“When was this?” Alec asked. If he had some sort of timeline of Magnus sightings then maybe he would know better when he was coming back.

“Yesterday afternoon.” Catarina answered.

Izzy nodded approvingly, “Magnus is working quick.”

That just made Cat snort, “Did we have any doubts? He’s betrayed and enraged and he has to leave Alec’s side to take care of this. That’s a lot.”

Alec shifted uncomfortably, which caught Cat’s eye.

“It’s important that he does this.” Cat told Alec seriously.

He nodded, because he did understand that, “I know. He needs this.”

Cat rolled her eyes at him, “Yeah, sure, but if he doesn’t take this action it will only put you at risk. He’s obviously not going to stand for that.”

“What do you mean?” Jace asked with a clear note of concern in his voice. Any hint of a threat towards Alec was immediately on his radar.

“Let’s just say that Magnus has a lesson to teach the warlock community. Vincente is the unwilling teacher’s aid.” Cat said with a bit of wicked glee in her voice. She, at least, was having fun with this. She and Izzy seemed to be on the same page.

Alec understood that too but he wasn’t sure how he felt about it. Either way, positive or negative, after all of this he couldn’t begrudge Magnus any of this. Revenge or putting on a global show to protect him.

He wanted to ask Cat how long she thought Magnus would be gone because she probably had more insight there than anyone else but he wasn’t sure he wanted to hear the answer. No part of him thought she was going to say something like _oh, an hour or two_ so it wasn’t even worth it to him. He would just worry more.

But if he had her here he had another question he could ask. Another few, honestly.

“Cat, can I talk to you about immortality?”

**\---**

When Alec woke up the next morning the sun had barely risen and there was a warlock on top of him nuzzling his cheek.

“ _Magnus_.” Alec whispered.

Magnus’ eyes opened when Alec said his name, revealing two golden eyes watching him with an unbearable love radiating out. He didn’t speak, he only nipped at the skin of Alec’s jaw.

It would have been easy to lie back and let Magnus do whatever he wanted to reassure himself that Alec was here and with him and alive. Incredibly easy.

But he felt like they needed to talk about this. At the very least, Alec wanted some glimpse of the Magnus that he knew better.

“Is it done?” Alec asked as gently as he could.

Magnus hummed and Alec took that as a yes. One of his hands traced down Alec’s side, thumb purposefully catching on his nipple on its way down to his hip.

Alec swallowed heavily, “Is he dead?”

“He is… _obliterated.”_

Magnus said that in a sigh, as though it were nothing. For someone with his power, it likely had been next to nothing to accomplish it.

Never would Alec say a word to him that indicated any type of disapproval. He _didn’t_ disapprove. He just… felt badly? Not really for Vincente, he had made his own fate. More that Magnus had needed to do that to someone he had considered a friend. From Alec’s vague memory of meeting Vincente they had been decently warm to each other. Not in a way that suggested any great feeling but still, not enemies.

“Don’t be sorry or sad.” Magnus whispered to him. “He doesn’t deserve it. _Didn’t_.”

“I’m not sorry or sad _for him_. I’m sorry you had to do it. He was your friend.” Alec answered sincerely.

Golden eyes stared at him and Alec wasn’t sure how to read them. Magnus still seemed drunk on his own power. Or maybe not drunk on it, that implied he was being arrogant or something, he just seemed elevated by the outpouring of his usually tightly controlled well of magic.

“No friend of mine would have done that. Not to anyone but especially not to the one I’ve claimed.” Magnus answered him.

Alec hesitated before asking, “What did you do to him?”

Magnus leaned back, giving Alec a little bit more room. Not that he _wanted_ room, they both knew he liked getting pinned down quite a bit, but mixing those kinds of things into this conversation didn’t feel right.

It also made it easier to see Magnus. The pink morning light coming through the windows illuminated only half his face and that paired with his glowing eyes made him look more like an ethereal Angel than anything else.

He wouldn’t say that to Magnus, he wasn’t sure his warlock would like it, but the thought was there and he dared anyone on this earth to look at Magnus in this moment and tell him he was wrong.

“I’m not ashamed.” Magnus said in a hushed voice, “I’ll tell you if you want to know but I don’t think it will bring you any peace to hear the answer.”

That meant Magnus had done something _inventive_ , something particularly brutal.

It was what everyone had told him would happen and though Alec had believed them, hearing it was something else. He wasn’t squeamish. He wasn’t bothered by Magnus’ savagery, even if it wasn’t something he usually saw.

If he said he didn’t need to know, would Magnus take it like Alec was bothered by what he had done and was hiding from it? If he said he wanted to know, would Magnus be uncomfortable telling him? Eventually, when this bloodlust settled and his warlock returned to his usual self, he might get some notion in his head of having disgusted or frightened Alec. And though he would do his best to reassure Magnus otherwise, the feelings would be there and they would probably linger.

“Do you want to tell me?” Alec finally asked when the silence dragged.

Magnus shook his head, the movement so minute Alec barely saw it. “I want to never speak of him again. I want him lost to time except for those moments when his own people think of him fleetingly before deciding better of speaking of his name. And if they do dare say it aloud, I want it only to be in warning against touching you.”

How had he earned such devotion? Alec would never understand.

Instead of giving Magnus his decision, he just grabbed on to the collar of Magnus’ shirt and pulled him back down for a kiss.

His warlock understood.

Magnus kissed him like he had only just found him again. Alec leaned back on the bed, sure of where this was going.

Except Magnus didn’t go with him. He pulled away, staring down at him with something unreadable in his eyes. The only thing that Alec could see for sure was that there wasn’t true peace there yet.

“I’m not done.” Magnus said evenly. “Unless you tell me to be.”

“What?” He asked, completely confused. “Do you mean Kevin? I don’t think-”

Magnus cut him off quietly, “That child doesn’t bother _me_. He knows he made a mistake and he’ll learn far more than that in the Spiral Labyrinth in the next few decades. There’s only one person left who has to pay for what he did.”

Alec stared at him without comprehension. “There were only two warlocks in the warehouse. That’s what Imogen said that night and that’s what the report said.”

Golden eyes watched him steadily.

“Magnus, no one else was there. From when Jace last saw me to when Eva found me, it was Imogen, those warlocks and the demons. There’s nothing… _oh_.”

Ricky.

Magnus meant Ricky.

His warlock’s hands went to Alec’s temples like they had when he was trying to break down the block and this Alec didn’t need to figure out. Magnus wanted to see the memory of it. He wanted to see what Ricky looked like so he could track him down.

And in that memory, Magnus would be able to see him at his absolute lowest. Wounded and sick, afraid and drained, preyed on and threatened. He would see everything that Alec had been too ashamed of telling him before.

“You are _everything_.” Magnus promised softly.

Alec shut his eyes.

The memory didn’t leap forward and replay itself in a way that suggested Magnus was responsible but Alec wasn’t strong enough to keep his own mind from dredging it up himself. The leer on Ricky’s face, the indifference of the people around them, the nasty things he said and the feeling of his teeth. All of it was still there in perfect detail. He wasn’t sure it would ever fade.

The memory was short but Magnus didn’t pull away for much longer. When his fingers finally dropped and Alec looked up at him, he was maybe more _his_ Magnus than before.

“I’m sorry, darling.” Magnus’ voice was thick with tears.

“I’m okay.” Alec answered. And he _was_ , he was just also going to be a little bit shaken by it long after Ricky’s heart stopped beating.

“Please.” Magnus said simply.

Alec knew what he was asking. He also knew what his answer was. The second his heart knew it, he almost flinched. It felt _wrong_. Wrong that he should want Ricky dead. Wrong that he didn’t go do the deed himself.

If that happened to him now, he could have defend himself and inflicted pain on that man the likes of which he hadn’t ever felt. Alec didn’t kill mundanes. He killed demons _in defense_ of mundanes… but that didn’t mean that he _couldn’t_. That didn’t mean that he couldn’t imagine snapping Ricky’s neck in perfect detail.

He knew all of those truths but he also knew the small piece of his heart that was still Alec in San Francisco, and would be for a long time, was _afraid_. He didn’t _want_ to confront Ricky. He didn’t want to feel his body pressed against his side. He didn’t want to hear his voice. He didn’t even want it for the sake of his own satisfaction.

He was tired, he wanted to move forward. If he had to force himself to do it on his own, he felt like that little piece of his heart might shatter. He was tired of his heart breaking.

And if he waited until he felt stable and ready and unafraid?

_I like ‘em feisty anyway._

He wouldn’t let someone else – some who might be as scared and hurt as he had been – pay the price for his own fears.

“Go.” Alec said.

Magnus leaned in and kissed him again. This was more gentle. This was more _Magnus_.

Alec lost himself in it. This was comfort and laughter and love all wrapped up in one. It was grounding. The way Magnus’ lips moved against his felt like a blessing meant to absolve him.

“I’ll be back before sunset.” Magnus promised him. “And then I won’t leave your side again.”

Magnus rocked back and opened a portal in the same motion. He stood with more grace than he had left with the last time. This was still a hunt, still revenge, but a different kind of it.

When the portal closed, Alec murmured to the empty room, “And soon I won’t leave your side either.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always shy away from writing immortal Alec because I get sad about Izzy and Jace. As much as I love immortal Malec together forever, it's always kind of bittersweet to me. So, decided to leave the door open. Screw it, lol. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the penultimate chapter!!! Please let me know what you think!


	25. Chapter Twenty Five

* * *

**Chapter Twenty Five**

* * *

Alec knew it was amusing to Magnus.

All his secret, hushed calls with Cat. Him taking over the guest bedroom that had been Magnus’ when he had first come back to the loft, except this time he had made Magnus promise not to go inside. Magnus had agreed and, to Alec’s knowledge, hadn’t peeked once in the weeks since.

He was pretty sure that at first Magnus thought he was doing some sort of surprise project in there. That wasn’t entirely wrong, Alec _was_ working on a surprise project, but the room was just a room, still set up with the blue draping that Magnus had conjured when he moved into it. There wasn’t going to be some grand reveal in there. It was just where Alec was doing his research. The sheer number of books that Clary and Cat had found for him needed a spot to hide from Magnus and his bedside table wasn’t going to cut it.

By now, Alec was pretty sure that Magnus had cottoned on to the fact that Alec had bigger plans than he had originally guessed.

He could see it in Magnus’ eyes every day when Alec went in and then came out hours later – _burning_ curiosity.

It had taken him a while. One to see if it was even possible and longer still to find someone to help him achieve it.

Finally, he was ready to talk to Magnus about it.

That took more set-up.

Once Magnus had returned from his hunt, he and Alec hadn’t wanted to be separate from each other. The only reason Magnus had been able to leave in the first place was that Alec was behind his wards with overprotective siblings (and his own runes back to defend _himself_ but he wasn’t sure that had factored into Magnus’ decision… he pretended it had).

They stayed in the loft. Being together but not constantly. Magnus in his workroom, Alec with his research. Even though they weren’t actually doing their usual duties, it still felt like they were returning to regular life. That _can’t do anything_ limbo was the worst. It was necessary for a while but returning to life little by little made the wounds start healing.

Time together helped with that.

Time with his family helped just as much.

A few days after the dust had settled and Alec’s runes were back in place, Maryse had come to their door with Max.

All Alec had gotten was a text before they came. Or rather, Magnus had gotten a text because Alec’s phone had burnt to a crisp and with things like runes and soul bonds to get back, he hadn’t really stopped to worry about replacing it.

It had been from his mother and all it said was: _I just told Max everything. He needs to see you. We’re on our way._

Alec had purposefully left the door to the loft open and he had been waiting there for Max. No barriers, no more delays. Things had been so chaotic and he had supported his sibling’s decision not to bring Max into the fray until they were all sure how it was going to go. When his parents decided they wanted to tell Max themselves instead of just springing Alec on him, they agreed to it.

The wait for them had been barely ten minutes but once Alec had confirmation that Max knew, it had been all he could do not to crawl up the walls waiting.

It had sort of felt like his heart had stopped when he heard Max racing down the hall to the loft.

His baby brother stood in the doorway and froze at the sight of him. Eyes red, cheeks flushed and tears still streaming.

_“Alec!”_

And Max had run and jumped straight into his arms. Alec caught him even as he felt his legs start to go weak underneath him. He didn’t drop Max though, he would never.

The final piece of his heart was put back into place.

Every day, things got a little better. A little easier.

A few days ago, Alec had decided that they needed to go do things alone. It was time.

Alec went on a run with Izzy after work. Magnus had breakfast in a café in Paris he loved visiting. Short things, _regular_ things.

That helped too. When nothing bad happened when they were separated outside the loft, it got easier to remember that not every mission had ended in disaster. He knew Magnus worried though. He remembered all those things his warlock had said to him _._

_“Ever since they told me, I’ve hated myself for not going to your side to keep you safe. I was just in our loft, playing around with our cat and you were… you were… they told me you were burned alive. That you hadn’t made it out of the fire. I was useless and selfish and you died because of it. The best thing life has ever given me and I let you be ripped away from me.”_

What he was working on was to help ease that worry for Magnus, he told himself constantly.

He needed Magnus to leave the loft and that was why he had enlisted Cat. They were going to have dinner together, the longest thing that he and Magnus had been parted for yet. Alec had dutifully promised to stay in the wards as he kissed Magnus goodbye.

The promise had been kept, of course… he was hiding the ring and the decorations in the spare bedroom too.

Not a lot of decorations. Izzy had elaborate dreams of rose covered archways and flower petals on the ground. Alec wanted something simpler but still special.

Simpler had turned out to mean lighting what felt like seven hundred candles on the balcony.

With all the other lights in the loft off the balcony glowed.

His phone buzzed and Alec almost fumbled it he was rushing to check it so fast. Cat had promised to text him a warning before Magnus portalled home but that could happen so fast and she had to be discrete so his warning might be all of thirty seconds.

Instead of Cat or Magnus, it was Jace.

_Jace: He’s going to say yes – calm down._

Alec let out a breathless rush of a laugh.

It helped more than he could say that literally everyone around them who knew about what Alec was about to ask Magnus, _everything_ that Alec was about to ask Magnus, said Magnus would happily say yes. It wasn’t that Alec thought Magnus _wouldn’t_ say yes, it was just that it was so crazy that he was even asking at all and what if Magnus felt like it was too soon or what if _he_ had wanted to ask _Alec_ or what if he didn’t like the ring or…

Another text came in.

_Jace: Seriously stop it_

Alec drew in a breath and tried to hold it before letting it out slowly. Calming himself in a way that Magnus had suggested after bad nightmares. Even when Magnus wasn’t there keeping Alec together himself, his warlock was still at the center of everything in him.

He felt sort of like he needed to just laugh and even maybe giggle? Like he was feeling so light and excited and anxious that he was about to just burst.

His phone buzzed again and this time it _was_ Cat.

_Catarina: Bill is being paid_

Add in goodbyes – goodbyes that Cat wouldn’t delay because she knew what was coming and she had the built in excuse of getting back to Madzie to cover any suspicious rushing on her part – and Magnus was likely to be home in a few moments or less.

Alec opened the balcony doors and stood in them. He had literally turned off every light in the loft so Magnus would walk into a completely darkened space. Magnus pretty much always portalled into the living room though so he wouldn’t get a chance to get concerned about that. He would immediately see the darkened loft and the candlelit balcony and Alec standing between the two.

He waited with a pounding heart.

When the portal lit up the room, he literally jerked in place even though he had been waiting for it. He squared his shoulders before realizing that made him look unnecessarily grim and soldier-like. That wasn’t the vibe he was going for at all but relaxing was easier said than done.

Magnus stepped out of the portal facing opposite Alec. He took two confident steps forward before faltering in the darkness as the portal and its light disappeared behind him.

“Magnus.” Alec called softly.

His warlock turned sharply and gave him a puzzled smile as he saw Alec standing there safe and sound, albeit in the dark. Then his eyes slid past Alec to the lit balcony and his smile changed.

It was as though he _knew_ and couldn’t believe it.

Alec held his hand out.

There was a second’s hesitation in Magnus before he stepped closer and put his hand in Alec’s. Alec just smiled at him reassuringly and stepped backwards.

It had already occurred to him that with all these candles the balcony looked almost like an altar.

It only seemed appropriate that Alec should kneel.

Magnus pulled in an almost inaudible breath. He stared down at Alec with wide eyes. “Alexander…”

When Alec opened his mouth to speak, he was surprised that his heart had stopped pounding. His fingers weren’t trembling with nervous energy. It was as though all of that had flooded out of his system the second he had seen Magnus. The wait was intolerable. Getting everything ready and perfect made him nervous.

This though?

Standing in front of the man he loved and asking him to be his husband?

This was the easiest thing in the world. A sense of complete certainty and readiness smoothed out any of his anxiety.

“Magnus, I have three questions to ask you. Not all of them have to be a yes, none of them have to be a yes if you don’t want to, but if there’s something you do want even if you don’t want the rest then that’s okay.” He felt compelled to promise Magnus that being his husband wasn’t contingent on agreeing to spend eternity with Alec or sharing a tattoo with him. He was about to ask for a lot, he knew that.

There was a slow nod in response to that and Alec saw a sheen of tears over Magnus’ eyes.

Alec squeezed his fingers, “Show me?”

“Show you what?” Magnus asked with a tremor in his voice.

Alec blinked slowly at him and Magnus instantly knew what he meant. It wasn’t the first time he had asked but it seemed the most important.

With a gasp, Magnus let the glamour fall. His demon mark, something that he had hated for so long, was instantly revealed. The glowing golden eyes that Alec so loved.

“I love you.” Alec said simply. “I’m honored to stand beside you. I can’t live without you. There aren’t words to explain how I feel about you and I don’t think I even know how to try. I hope you know. I hope I make you feel all of what I feel so you understand how vital you are to me.” He reached into his pocket and held out the Lightwood family ring to Magnus, “Magnus Bane, will you marry me?”

Magnus reached down for him and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “Alexander Lightwood, I will marry you.”

Alec laughed even though his eyes were burning and his throat went too tight to speak. Instead, he took Magnus’ left hand and slid the ring onto his finger.

Instead of pulling him to his feet, Magnus dropped to his knees in front of Alec like all his strings had been cut. He looked at the ring in wonder and Alec felt the last bit of the worry about what ring he chose to give Magnus fade away. Yes, Magnus hadn’t had the best relationship with his family across the decades but he knew Magnus would understand why Alec had picked that ring.

“We need one for you, darling.” Magnus said softly. His gold eyes looked up at Alec as though shellshocked.

“Whatever you want.” Alec answered. He meant it too, he’d never had any doubt that Magnus was going to want to give Alec some sort of ring in return and he would be proud to wear it whenever Magnus presented him with one. “But first, I have another question.”

Magnus swallowed heavily, “Ask,”

He pulled a piece of paper from his pocket and handed it to Magnus. “This is the wedded rune.”

Magnus’ eyes darted between Alec and the paper uncertainly, “I recognize it.”

“You can’t be runed,” Alec said somewhat needlessly. “But I want to bear your mark and I want you to bear mine. I want to make us as legitimate in the eyes of my people as we can be.”

“Alec…” Magnus’ face fell.

He shook his head quickly, “You can’t be runed, but _we_ can be tattooed. I… I found a tattoo artist who can infused spells into her work. Her name is Lestari, she’s actually Indonesian.”

His warlock – _his fiancé_ – looked as though he was likely to fall over.

“I know her.” Magnus said faintly.

“I’ve spoken to her. She’s found a way to do what I had in mind. There’s no way to replicate the _parabatai_ bond’s soul connection and I don’t think I can split my soul in another piece even if there was. What a spell _can_ do is monitor another person’s physical wellbeing. Lestari can weave a monitoring spell into our tattoos so we can always feel how the other is doing. If we’re hurt, if we’re sick. If someone starts removing all my runes so they can fake my death.” He explained all of it in one big rush but he tried to tack the joke on to the end to make Magnus smile.

Magnus did not smile.

“We don’t have to do it.” Alec promised him quickly. He was in such a rush to reassure Magnus that it was entirely optional that he barely felt the sting of disappointment over the idea of not being connected with Magnus in this way that he had been dreaming of for so long. 

His warlock’s eyes shut and the tears that had been welling spilled over. “I don’t even know what to say, sayang. This is… this is so perfect.”

Alec let out a relieved gust of air before he leaned in and kissed Magnus harder than he meant to. Magnus responded in an instant, tongue slipping out to lick against Alec’s lips. Everything in him wanted to yield…

But he had another question.

He pulled back from Magnus, “Is that a yes?”

“Yes, I want to put this rune on the both of us. I want the spell that will connect us. I want to marry you. All of it is a yes, Alec.” Magnus smiled through his tears.

Alec shook his head softly, “The tattoo was the second question. I still have another.”

“This is a lot to process all at once.” Magnus sort of burst out into teary sounding laughter and Alec could completely agree with that.

“This is the biggest.” Alec warned him. “But I don’t know if it’s possible. I don’t have it all lined up like the rest. I would need your help.”

He wanted to caution Magnus on those points before he said what he needed to say.

Magnus nodded to show he understood and only then did Alec continue.

“I don’t know if it’s possible, but if it is…” He took a deep breath and gave Magnus a smile that felt strangely shy for what he was about to say, “If it is, I want to become immortal. I want to never leave you again.” Alec revealed the final offer to Magnus.

His fiancé froze.

“You said yes to a lifetime with a mortal husband.” Alec’s voice went thick with emotion, “But would you say yes to eternity with an _immortal_ husband?”

Magnus’ eyes shut and his mouth opened but no sound came out. The tears didn’t let up.

Alec waited silently.

“You… you have offered me the thing I want more than anything in this entire world.” Magnus whispered. “And yet you’re asking me if I would say yes?”

“Say it.” Alec leaned in close enough to feel Magnus’ breath against his skin.

_“Yes.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we have reached the end of Exile! I hope you enjoyed the story and again, a massive - MASSIVE - thank for all the support along the way. 
> 
> I would absolutely love hearing your thoughts about the final chapter! 
> 
> The bonus chapter of Magnus' POV will be posted next week. It is 26k, includes 8 scenes across Alec being brought home to New York all the way to after this final chapter and features: our little lost lamb Alec, Cat doing what needs to be done, nightmares, Magnus' view of Ricky and some characters who we haven't seen in a while. I'm putting the finishing touches on it as we speak and hope to have it up early next week!


	26. Magnus' Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the bonus chapter of scenes from Magnus' POV! 
> 
> This is my thank you to all of you for being so lovely and kind and generous with all of your kudos, bookmarks and especially your comments. You've blown me away and it seemed only fitting to offer up this chapter in gratitude. I meant it to be like, a scene or two but I had too much fun with it and suddenly it was 26k lol. 
> 
> Please enjoy!

**\--- Chapter Nine & Ten ---**

His heart felt like it was going to explode.

Magnus wasn’t a man who shied away from his emotions. He might hide them from others and he might curse the depth that he felt them, but he always eventually let himself feel the full force of them. Sometimes it even seemed he was powerless against them.

These last few hours…

Magnus didn’t have words.

He cried. He cried in pain, he cried with joy, he cried in gratitude and fear and euphoria.

He laughed. Sometimes his laughter was made of disbelieving shock and sometimes it edged into a hysteria that he could barely keep himself from falling into.

He smiled and his breath caught and his chest hurt and sometimes he felt dizzy with all of it. Rushes of anger were extinguished by tears of grief that were then dried by a calmness born of second chances.

Cat asked him how he was over and over again. She looked over to him and grinned and asked him if he was okay. Her hand rubbed his back and she asked him if he was doing all right. She reminded him to breathe and asked him to tell her what he was thinking, how he felt.

The best he could answer was simply, _my heart is going to explode._

Alexander was alive.

Wounded and half starved and sick and scared… but _alive._

There had been no peace in him since Isabelle had come. Since the look in her eyes said more to him than her words did. She had come into the loft looking tired, that was all. Harried and flustered even, which weren’t words he associated with brilliant and strong Isabelle Lightwood.

And then she had looked at him and he had known.

She had started to stammer out an explanation that Magnus wasn’t sure he even remembered anymore. He wasn’t sure he had even registered more than _fire_ and _bond_ and _gone_.

It was only her face that he remembered. It was as though Alec’s death hadn’t hit her until the moment she was delivering the news to him. In just a few sentences, she went from tired but put together to sobbing and Magnus had been forced to watch Alec’s beloved little sister fall to pieces while everything in his heart shattered in that same moment.

Magnus pulled in a shaky breath and pushed those memories away. Alec would likely wake soon and he didn’t want to be a wreck when his scared boy opened his eyes to this new strange place. He couldn’t afford to fall apart right now.

He dragged a tired hand down his face and shut his burning eyes and then snapped them back open just as quickly.

Though none of this _felt_ like a dream, he still had the irrational fear that this was just some sort of delirious wish come to life and Alec wasn’t really there. Even though Eva and Cat had seen him too. Even though Magnus had touched him. He wasn’t sure how long it would take for that to wear off or even if it would at all.

The chair he had conjured hours ago groaned quietly underneath him as he leaned forward and stroked a hand down Alec’s too pale cheek. When Alec woke he would need to keep his hands to himself better.

It was clear that touch frightened him but if any part of his Alexander was still in there, he knew it would comfort him. Alec had been so shy about touch in the beginning. Afraid to hold Magnus’ hand in public, unsure of how to ask for cuddles… it had been heartbreaking and adorable to watch Alec navigate asking for what he wanted. It had been even more heartbreaking and adorable to watch closed off and tense Alexander Lightwood learn that he was someone who craved physical affection. Magnus had watched the hunger and shame and surprise in Alec’s eyes each time Magnus held him give way to an easier pleasure as their time together continued.

And now all of that progress was lost.

_Alec_ was lost, even as he had been found.

He tried to tell himself that all of that would come with time. Answers and solutions both. What mattered now, the _only_ thing that mattered now, was Alec’s health. Physical and emotional.

He sighed and traced his thumb under the dark circles under Alec’s eyes before letting his fingers brush against the hollows of his cheeks. Alec looked _gaunt_ , there was no way around it.

His love had been a touch on the too skinny side at the start. Deliciously muscled and outrageously attractive, of course, but it quickly became apparent to Magnus that Alec had a tense relationship with food and that he ran himself ragged, probably partially on purpose. Watching him relax and fill out a little had been just one of the small victories in falling in love with Alec.

And that too was all gone now.

The amount of calories had to have been burning each day to have reached this point told Magnus more than he could bear to know even though he craved every scrap of information he could get.

He could, he remembered with tears burning his eyes, count Alec’s ribs.

With a sniff, he leaned back and quickly wiped at his own eyes.

His phone buzzed in his pocket and Magnus pulled it out quickly. He had no desire at all to let Alec be startled awake.

_Catarina: Is he up yet?_

Magnus glanced up at Alec even though he had only just torn his eyes away. Alec’s eyes were still closed tightly and his breathing was slow and even. If Magnus listened hard enough, he could even hear some of Alec’s _finally getting some good sleep_ little snuffling snores.

And there came the tears again.

He had to blink them away to see his phone enough to type back to Cat.

_Magnus: He’s still asleep. Fever hasn’t risen._

The fever that Alec had at the start had been almost catastrophically high. It was, Cat said, the blood poisoning from the infection in his side.

They were managing it with potions but it was still rising every time a dose wore off. It probably would until he got the infection healed and though he knew all of that rationally, it was still hard to talk himself down from all the panicked fears in his head.

_Catarina: That’s good. Resting is good, he needs it. Not that I have to remind you but try to get him to eat something as soon as you can. Don’t let him overeat though, even if he wants to._

Never in all his time with Alec had Magnus been forced to tell him to _stop_ eating. He wasn’t sure what he would do if he had to say that to this version of his lover.

Magnus started to type a reply out but froze mid-word when he heard Alec sigh.

His eyes darted back up to Alec and found his brow a little furrowed. It was the same look he would get on his face when he was especially tired after a mission and had the morning off to wake up naturally. Like he would have liked to sleep another five hours but his internal clock wouldn’t allow it and he was cross about it.

It was _Alec_.

Magnus didn’t dare speak. He wasn’t sure how much of last night Alec would remember. If he was still mostly asleep and a stranger – Angel, referring to himself as a stranger to Alec _hurt_ – started speaking to him, it might frighten him. That was the absolute last thing he wanted.

_Wake up love,_ Magnus slid his phone back into his pocket and watched Alec eagerly.

In less than a moment, Alec’s eyes started to flutter open. He squinted at the light for a few seconds, the same as he usually did in his delightfully grumpy way, before the expression on his face settled.

Alec only stared up at the ceiling quietly, as though he was thinking very hard about something.

Though Alec wasn’t looking at him, Magnus got the sense that he was aware of where he was. At the very least, the loft was quite a bit different from that rundown apartment Magnus had carried him out of. That place hadn’t been _disgusting_ he supposed, but it hadn’t been particularly clean or comfortable. It also hadn’t had a bed at all, let alone one covered in blankets like what Alec was currently lying in.

After a few seconds, something changed in Alec. Magnus watched riveted as some tension that had been there even while he slept bled out of him. A soft smile curved the lips that Magnus loved so very much.

Alec was _happy_.

The tears started trailing down his cheeks again but he didn’t dare wipe them away. He didn’t want to move and break this spell that had come over Alec.

When Alec turned his head and looked at Magnus, the clearness of his gaze was beyond reassuring. Alec had been nearly delirious with fever and fear back at that apartment. Seeing the comprehension and clarity in his eyes was so incredibly heartening.

Alec focused on him with a concern in his eyes that humbled Magnus, “What’s wrong?”

Magnus shook his head and smiled brilliantly at him. Only his Alexander would be lying there on that bed, sick from all his injuries like he was, and ask if someone he barely knew was all right.

“Nothing is wrong.” Magnus promised him quietly. It wasn’t entirely true, there was still so much wrong with this whole situation, but he wanted everything to be peaceful and happy for Alec for as long as possible, “Nothing at all. How do you feel?”

“ _Better_ ,” Alec said, breathing out the word like it was a revelation.

Magnus couldn’t help but let out a rush of air that was something between a laugh and a sob. “I’m so very glad, Alexander.”

Alec frowned at him and Magnus almost froze in concern. What was wrong?

“I thought you said my name is Alec?”

_Oh._ He should have thought of that.

He needed to keep more of these types of things in mind. Alec knew _nothing_ and too many discrepancies might lead him to believe they were lying to him. “I should explain better, I suppose.” He said finally. “Your full name is Alexander Gideon Lightwood, Alec is a nickname. You actually told me once that you kind of hated Alexander, which made me feel instantly awful because I call you Alexander very regularly. Before I could apologize, you said that you like it when _I_ call you that. So I still do. I’m the only one and you apparently quite like it that way.”

That memory was one he treasured. It had been so early on between them. The shy way that Alec had admitted such a simple thing to Magnus, as though him liking Magnus using his full name was a weakness or something. Magnus had leaned in close to him and whispered, “ _I’m very happy to hear that, Alexander.”_ And they’d kissed. It was not long after their first kiss – that absolute perfect moment of passion and bravery – and it had been so sweet and _easy_.

While Magnus bolstered himself with that memory, Alec seemed to be trying on his own name. “Alec, Alexander. Alec Lightwood.”

Now came for the harder truths. He braced himself even as he smiled to try to make the revelation as non-threatening as possible, “My name is Magnus Bane. And I… And I am a warlock, Alec.”

There wasn’t even a pause. Alec barely blinked, “Okay,” He said simply.

Magnus’ eyebrow rose, “Okay? _”_

_Magnus had revealed the truth about the Shadow World to a great many people through the centuries. Newly turned Downworlders who didn’t understand what they had become, mothers who didn’t know why their babies were born so differently, Kings and rulers he wanted to frighten, even a few lovers he wanted to impress._

_None of them had ever answered him with_ _okay_ _._

_Only his pragmatic Alexander would be so blasé about the whole thing._

“If monsters are real, why can’t magic be? It makes sense. Does everyone know about it?”

_Monsters_. God, how could someone have dumped a Nephilim out into the world with no runes and no knowledge like this? His poor boy thought he was being attacked by _monsters._ “No. No, most people do not.” Magnus said. He was going to have to start with the basics clearly, “There are three main factions in the world. Mundanes have entirely human blood and are completely out of the supernatural realm. Downworlders, like myself, have connections to demonic blood in some capacity. Within this group there are many different types of beings. Vampires, werewolves, seelie, mermaids...”

Alec nodded before he opened his mouth and completely blew Magnus’ mind, “Am… am I like you?”

Magnus had fallen in love with a Shadowhunter and he would never wish Alec to be something else, but there was some part of him that longed for the simplicity they could have had if Alec _had_ been born a warlock. “No, darling.” He said gently as he could. At no point did he want Alec to feel silly for having asked a question, no matter how shocking that question might have been.

“But Eva is?” Alec asked before he seemed to remember the white haired warlock who had saved him. He stopped for a second before asking, “Where is she?”

That was easier to field, “Eva is back in San Francisco.” Magnus explained before he realized he needed to tell Alec where their home actually was, “We are at home in New York. There are things that must be… _cleaned up_ , to keep you safe. There are others there who noticed all the demons and were tracking the situation. I don’t wish them to find out about you. She’s going to help me keep you safe. And that brings us to the third faction, which you are a part of. Nephilim, more commonly called Shadowhunters. You have Angel blood. It is the Shadowhunters’ responsibility to protect the world from demons, or monsters as you say.”

For all that Alec took to the revelation of magic with barely a care, the knowledge of his own ancestry seemed to throw him. Magnus wasn’t sure why.

And then the questions started tumbling out, “Angel blood? So that’s… do mons- _demons_ sense Angel blood? Is that why they kept finding me? I’m not… I’m not cursed? I didn’t do something wrong?”

Alec stared at him with the eyes of a child desperately begging to be told he wasn’t bad.

For hours Magnus had sat at Alec’s side telling himself that he needed to respect Alec’s boundaries. He needed to not touch until invited or asked to do so… but the sight of Alec looking at him like Magnus might absolve him of sins he didn’t even understand _hurt._ His hands went to his cheeks, holding his face in place as he pressed his forehead to Alec’s, “You did _nothing_ wrong. Alec, please believe me. You are not cursed.” He infused his voice with as much conviction and promise as he was able.

And then he had to let go.

Alec faltered for a second and Magnus knew without a shadow of a doubt that his touch starved boy was still in there. It was everything he could do to keep from reaching out for him again.

_Don’t overwhelm him. Don’t take more than you’re offered. Build trust._

“Then _why?_ ”Alec asked him the question that Magnus had been turning around in his head since that fire.

“I don’t know. I don’t know how this happened, but I will find out. I will make this right.” Magnus promised him.

“You said there was a fire?”

Magnus nodded and tried to explain both the significance of that fire and the utter lack of significance as well, “Yes, but the fire was a cover. I know that now. A way to destroy any evidence. And a way to keep from having to produce a body that would have been altered in ways that I would have been able to recognize. Whoever did this knew I would have moved mountains to find you, if I had any hint of a clue that you hadn’t died.”

Alec’s eyes widened.

It was time to tell him the rest.

“I am old, Alec.” Magnus started their story gently, “Older than I look. I have been in love many times before you. I’m old enough that a century ago I decided that I was done with love. I locked my heart away and no one, not one single person, tempted me to try again.”

He could see Alec’s slow comprehension but this boy sitting before him couldn’t _truly_ understand. He was too young, even younger than he had been at their start. “I have no great love for Shadowhunters, I’ll be honest with you. Being tasked with killing demons has made the Nephilim prejudiced against those with demon blood, no matter how much.”

Alec frowned at him.

_Alec frowned at him._

Whatever Magnus was about to say next absolutely disappeared in the face of that oh so familiar expression. He’d seen it a dozens of times before. When one of his Shadowhunters saying something anti-Downworld, when he got an order from the Clave he didn’t like, when even one of the Downworld said something that implied that Alec himself thought they were less…

All of it was greeted with that frown.

_He is still in there, even if you have to start all over again, even if only some of his memories are recovered, he is still Alec._

Magnus smiled helplessly. It was all he could do to keep talking but he had to because if he stopped much longer then Alec was going to ask why and Magnus wasn’t sure how he would react. As much as he wanted _his_ Alec back, he never wanted to make _this_ Alec feel that he wasn’t enough or wasn’t loved.

“I was drawn into your world to help stop a genocidal madman.” Magnus said instead of all the things that were almost bursting out of his heart. “I wanted nothing to do with it, honestly. And then you were in my nightclub, killing a demon as though it were easy as breathing for you and you were _gorgeous_ , and though you seemed so strong and powerful there was something vulnerable about you, as though you might need me as much as I needed you. And then later you spoke to me and you seemed so genuinely interested in me for all that you were afraid and having your tentative interest and trust was intoxicating.” And oh, it was. He could remember those early days so clearly. His heart had practically fluttered with how utterly obsessed he had been.

“Every new thing I learned about you, every word out of your mouth, even when you were pushing me away, drew me in further. I think I loved you the moment I saw you, which sounds cheap. You can’t love a person if you don’t know them. Except I truly did, though that first rush of love I felt feels so small now. I fall more in love with you each day.” And that was still so true. That look on Alec’s face when he had woken in this bed wounded after having been through hell only to turn and ask _Magnus_ if he was okay… his heart had swelled again, loving his Alexander all the more.

Alec listened so carefully, like he always did when Magnus spoke to him. Giving all of his attention, all of his focus, and making Magnus feel so seen and valued.

“I had to convince you to try with me. We are so different, we come from such different worlds. You were so hesitant and each step you took towards me was like the sweetest victory. We stumbled a bit over those differences but every time we renewed our dedication, we seemed to fit together better and better.” Magnus decided to end things there. There was so much more he could tell Alec but so many of those things demanded explanations that Magnus didn’t think he was ready to give. How could he explain their first kiss without also explaining Lydia and Maryse and the Clave and homophobia in general? How could he tell Alec about the first time they said _I love you_ without talking about Valentine?

Those things were too much too soon. Maybe for both of them.

Alec only looked at him with sad eyes, “I’m not… I don’t remember any of that. I’m not _him_.”

No, he wasn’t. But he also was.

Magnus laughed but he made sure that his laugh was in no way mocking. Alec had a right to be afraid of anything, his feelings and worries were valid, and especially his concerns about people claiming to love him what felt like out of nowhere to him. “You woke up after all the pain and hardship you experienced and the first thing you did was express concern _about_ _me_.” Magnus smiled almost helplessly and he hoped Alec saw it for the happy, overwhelmed and grateful thing that it was.

“Your conclusion about your time being hunted by demons was that _you_ were cursed, that _you_ had done something wrong. You’ve had to be so brave and so strong. You’ve had to keep going, to keep pushing yourself, even though I’m sure there were moments you wanted to give up. You _didn’t_. You’re here now because you didn’t. Your immediate reaction to being told that Downworlders are considered lesser because of their blood was to frown at me. You are so curious to know, to understand. You’ve let no complaint come out of your mouth, just questions. Those are just _some_ of the things that I fell in love with. We’ve been together again for such a short period of time and though you don’t remember me, you are still so completely my Alexander I can hardly believe how incredibly lucky I am.” Magnus confessed.

Alec seemed to digest that quietly. It was a lot, Magnus knew it was. All of this was so much.

When Alec spoke again, his voice was nervous again. “Can you get my memories back?”

_I so desperately hope so._

“I will not lie to you. I can’t promise you your memories. What I can promise is that I will try as hard as I can and go as far as I can without hurting you.” Magnus said instead of that. He said it to both of them perhaps.

Determination flooded into Alec and yet again, Magnus was confronted with another sliver of his Alec.

“I can take pain.”

And there was _another_ sliver.

“I know that.” He said as he bowed his head. Tears burned his eyes.

Why did it always seem that the price was Alec’s pain?

Just like all the other times, Magnus could hardly bear to look away from Alec for long. He looked back up at Alec and didn’t bother hiding the tears in his eyes, “I know that, Alec.”

“Then please,” Alec begged quietly.

“The kind of mindwork you’re talking about is intense. It needs to be attempted when you’re stronger…” Magnus held up a hand when Alec opened his mouth to likely protest, “If you want this to work, Alec, you must trust me. You need to recover, to build up your strength.”

There was an immediate bite of frustration in Alec’s expression and he turned his head away too quickly to see Magnus’ face fall at the sight of it. He couldn’t imagine not knowing anything about his own life and then the person who possibly held the key to all of that tells him to wait. That would be infuriating and Magnus wholeheartedly understood that.

But he couldn’t risk Alec’s health – his _life_ possibly – to give him what he wanted immediately.

It _hurt_ , watching Alec turn away from him, but Magnus had to be strong for his sake.

His own pain didn’t keep him from noticing Alec’s little flinch or the way tears started to well in his eyes. The tears could have been frustration but the flinch? His heart started to pound just a little. Was something wrong? Something he hadn’t sensed before?

“What was that?” He asked worriedly. Alec ignored him but Magnus couldn’t let a potential injury go untreated. Tentatively, he reached out a single finger to turn Alec’s chin back to face him, “You were in pain just now. Why? Does your head hurt?” When Alec still said nothing, he prompted again, “Alexander?”

Alec gave him a mulish sort of look. It would have been reassuring on someone else – if someone was taking the time to be obstinate then they probably weren’t really hurt – but he knew his darling too well.

“No,” Alec said shortly, “My head doesn’t hurt.”

“Then what was that?” Magnus pressed him. This was a conversation they’d had in the past so many times. Magnus asking what was wrong and Alec brushing it off because his injuries or his feelings weren’t the conversations he wanted to have. It was depressingly familiar.

He was lost in that bittersweet nostalgia when Alec made a motion towards his neck. If Magnus was understanding right, he was gesturing to where his Deflect rune had been.

That was, Magnus realized with a pang, the rune he probably missed the most. It felt strange that _he_ should miss any of Alec’s runes. He didn’t feel he had a right to it. Alec was the one who had his identity torn away and he didn’t even know it. If they were able to restore his memories, Magnus couldn’t imagine the pain Alec would feel about his deruning.

He wouldn’t ever share his selfish sadness for the missing rune aloud, but in the privacy of his own head, he mourned them. The Deflect rune most of all. How many kisses had he pressed to that black mark? How many times had Alec shivered in response?

_Focus_ , he admonished himself, _Alec is hurt._

He didn’t really understand exactly what Alec was telling him. Did his neck hurt or did the spot where the rune had been hurt? Magnus had met deruned Nephilim before. None had indicated that the missing runes physically hurt but then none had been scarred. “Your neck?” He finally asked.

Alec’s frustrated expression faded finally and he sighed, “All of them. Every scar. They never stop hurting but when I move them too much, it gets worse. Doesn’t help that they’re everywhere.”

_Another crime_.

Whoever had done this hadn’t _needed_ to make those missing runes hurt. The Silent Brothers deruned Shadowhunters as far as he knew and Magnus couldn’t imagine them purposefully leaving someone covered in painful scars. So did that mean that the Silent Brothers hadn’t done this? And if not them, who?

Those were questions for another time. What mattered right this second was that Alec was hurting in yet another way. His mind started spinning with ideas to help him. A balm, perhaps? Some sort of serum he could use to numb the scars out?

“I admit,” Magnus said, “I don’t know much about deruning, but we can figure out how to ease that pain until… well, until a more permanent solution can be found. I…”

Alec cut him off with something apologetic and worried in his eyes. He was so hesitant it hurt. “Deruning?”

_He doesn’t understand, you’re jumping too far ahead_. Hadn’t he just reminded himself to keep things basic?

It was perhaps time to finish explaining Nephilim.

It was also time to show Alec the fullness of who he had been, as much as Magnus was currently capable.

“Oh,” Magnus said sort of absently as he reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. He thumbed through the pictures – most of them of Alec, although there was perhaps an unhealthy number of Chairman Meow – to find one he had stared at often. After the fire, Magnus had poured over these pictures for _hours_ and this was the first time that he was able to look at them and not ache. “I didn’t explain runes, did I? Shadowhunters derive extra power and abilities through the use of angelic runes. They’re drawn onto your skin, some permanently. Then, with the use of a device called a stele that I’m not going to attempt to explain, you can activate them when needed.” He settled on one of the tamer pictures he had of Alec shirtless. One where Alec had radiated peace and happiness. One of his favorites.

Alec took his phone eagerly. Magnus couldn’t even begin to try to give him his memories back but he could at least give Alec this little piece of himself.

“Those are runes,” Magnus explained as he reached out to point at each rune, “Accuracy. Precision. Angelic Power. Deflect. Healing.” He swiped to the next picture to continue. He knew the order without thought. “Soundless. Stamina. Agility.”

He hoped Alec wouldn’t ask him how he knew the placement of each rune so perfectly. It would be awkward to have to come up with a lie so he didn’t have to say _because I’ve traced them with my tongue a hundred times_.

Alec swiped to the next picture himself.

The next picture was one that Magnus had been in too much pain to linger on for more than a few seconds.

If Alec hadn’t of swiped to it, Magnus wouldn’t have shown him. It seemed too much to push that level of intimacy on this Alec as there was in that picture.

But the way his love stared at it…

Magnus had to shut his own eyes against the tears.

Alec looked so… _covetous_. So hungry.

How was he going to get through all of this without showing Alec his tears? It was an impossibility.

It _had_ to be possible, though, because it was too quick to throw all of his love at Alec. Painful as it was, their romance wasn’t the most important thing to rebuilt. Alec’s health, Alec’s mental state, Alec’s memories and his life… _they_ were the priorities and in that order as well. Magnus’ overflowing heart needed to come last.

So he discretely magicked away the tears just in time for Alec to look up at him.

“Do you have any questions about the runes?” Magnus asked him before Alec could comment about the picture of them.

It seemed like Alec was exploding with questions but there was a mix of being afraid to ask too many and being too unsure what was a worthwhile question or not. Those were feelings they would need to deal with quickly, but the first conversation wasn’t the time.

That thought actually brought him to one of the biggest priorities for this period of Alec’s consciousness.

_Food._

Alec had such a strange relationship with food but this boy was literally starving. He would be eager to eat, wouldn’t he?

When Alec didn’t ask any questions about the runes, Magnus moved on, “Are you hungry?”

Immediately, Alec’s eyes lit up.

Magnus only smiled and waved his hand in Alec’s direction. A tray appeared, full of one of Alec’s favorite breakfasts from a restaurant they liked in Maine.

It was possibly a little much for Alec’s first meal. A bit too rich right out the gate. Magnus knew what eating again after a period of scarcity felt like.

But Alec loved those croissants and he loved the eggs and bacon and he loved coffee…

And Magnus just wanted to make him happy.

Alec froze at the sight of the breakfast in front of him. His eyes were wide and stunned. Maybe that was because Magnus had made it appear out of nowhere but it was more than that and he knew it.

Alec looked as though he was about to burst into overwhelmed and grateful tears.

His stomach growled and it seemed to break the spell of shock that had come over him. It was a good bit of timing because if Alec started crying with happiness because he was so hungry then Magnus would have been an absolute wreck. Forget trying not to cry in front of him, it would all he would be able to do not to sob and pull Alec into his arms to rock him and hand feed him.

Alec went for the eggs first but took only a bite before he moved to the next food. He took a single bite of each item on the tray and the pure pleasure on his face as he relearned the tastes was _humbling_.

Magnus had been this person before. In awe of things that others would consider basics. He knew what that kind of life of poverty was.

One of the proudest points in his life wasn’t when he had enough money that the threat of having to return to that life was eradicated. It was when he had enough money to ensure that no one he loved would ever have to live like that either.

And yet here the love of his life sat, nearly in tears he was so grateful for a simple breakfast.

While he watched Alec eat ravenously, he tried to tell himself that he was giving Alec that security back and so he hadn’t truly failed that vow he had made to himself centuries ago. He still felt the failure keenly. Just another to heap onto the pile.

Alec had only been eating for not even five minutes yet he was half done. Though it hurt to slow him in any way, he had to. “Slowly, darling, I don’t want you to get sick.” He said the words gently because he didn’t want to put Alec off his food.

Except that was exactly what happened. Alec put the fork down and even slid his hands under the covers.

“I didn’t mean you had to stop, Alec.” He said with an upset frown.

“I know. I want to save it though, that’s all.” Alec told him seriously.

Save it? Hadn’t Alec just seen him magic it into being? Perhaps he didn’t understand the concept. In fact, he _knew_ Alec didn’t understand the concept.

“… save it?” Magnus echoed, just to prompt Alec to explain what he meant. He needed to know what part of the magic Alec didn’t understand so he could clarify.

Alec nodded, “For tonight. Tomorrow too,”

Magnus felt those words like a punch to the gut. It wasn’t that Alec didn’t understand the magic, it was that he had forgotten it entirely in his eager rush to finally eat a good meal. He thought he needed to _ration_ his food.

Ration food _in their home_.

Before Magnus could even begin to figure out what to say, Alec picked up the mug of steaming coffee and sipped it. At the very least, he took his hands back out from the covers. Then, he gave Magnus a smile that nearly knocked him to the ground. Sweet and shy and more than Magnus’ battered heart could bear.

“I don’t know if the coffee is going to last long though. It’s too good.”

_This beautiful boy will be my death._

His stunned silence upset Alec almost immediately. He put the cup down and said, “What’s wrong?” He frantically looked over the tray as though he had done something bad.

_Tread carefully_.

“Alec, when you’re hungry, I want you to tell me and I’ll give you something to eat.” Magnus instructed cautiously. “Anytime you want, all right? And when you’re up for walking, I’ll show you the kitchen. You can take anything you want in there, okay? You don’t need to worry about rationing food, not here and not ever again.”

An embarrassed flush come over Alec’s cheeks and Magnus felt his heart break yet again.

“Alec, it’s all right.” Magnus said gently. He hesitantly ran the backs of his fingers along a section of his arm that had no scars. He had no wish to spook Alec but at the same time he wanted to give comfort. For Alec, that often meant touch and praise. “Do you want to finish your plate?” He asked and hoped very much that Alec would say yes.

Alec seemed to consider it for a few seconds before regretfully saying “I’m done.”

He wouldn’t push again. He knew what happened when someone ate too much too fast after not having enough for a long period of time. If Alec’s stomach was starting to cramp then stopping was the right choice. He could only hope that Alec was stopping because he knew it was time to stop as opposed to he was still out of sorts about the idea of rationing food “All right, then.” He said reluctantly as he prepared to move the tray to the dresser to launch into the next conversation they needed to have. “Remember, tell me if you get hungry again.”

Alec’s eyes went a little frantic as the tray moved away and Magnus almost summoned it back to let him have that security.

He rejected that idea quickly though. It would be better to establish that Magnus would gladly give him any food he asked for instead of letting Alec nervously hoard what he had already been given. There was food in his backpack so Magnus knew Alec was working on his own little stockpile.

For now, he would just keep offering food frequently and, if Alec asked for some, he would immediately summon him more. Hopefully it wouldn’t take long to establish trust in the knowledge that Magnus wouldn’t let him go hungry.

He could see Alec was still tired, especially now that he had filled his stomach, and there was something else they needed to talk about. Earning Alec’s trust was important to him, so he was hesitant to make major moves without his consent.

But this was too important to let wait long, so he needed to do whatever necessary to get Alec to agree while he was still awake this first time.

“Now that you’ve eaten, I have something else we need to talk about.” He tried not to make it sound as big as it was. The last thing he wanted was to add to the mix of anxious emotions in Alec’s eyes. He reached for his phone and quickly found the picture he wanted, then he handed it to Alec.

His Nephilim studied the picture, “Who are they?”

“Isabelle and Jace.” Magnus answered with a small smile. “Your siblings.”

Alec was visibly startled, as though the idea of siblings had never occurred to him. Magnus _had_ mentioned Jace back in San Francisco but Alec had also been in an incredibly bad way so it wasn’t surprising he had forgotten.

Magnus watched as the surprise gave way to some sort of soft wonder. The idea of Alec forgetting the other two thirds of the team he had built his entire life around was unfathomable but there was something in Alec’s face as he traced over the image of Jace and Izzy that screamed of the loving older brother he had always been. It was sort of like the look that Alec gave them when they were being particularly (and rarely, in Jace’s case) sweet and young. Like he could bear how wonderful they were.

“Isabelle and Jace.” Alec repeated their names just like he had done with his own.

Angel help them if Alec asked about his parents. Magnus wouldn’t know what to say at all.

Hopefully, Alec would be so dazed with the revelation of Jace and Izzy’s existence that he wouldn’t think to ask about parents.

The most important thing was that Alec understood his siblings. They _needed_ each other. Magnus had no doubts in his mind that the right thing to do was to reunite them as quickly as possible.

He just had to convince Alec to let another three people into his world.

Magnus carefully took the phone back from Alec and searched for the pictures of Alec’s runes. Never did Magnus think he would have to explain _parabatai_ to Alec. It was such a reversal of their usual – Magnus asking questions and Alec making an unsure face and giving him something that in no way answered his question – that Magnus was almost pained by it.

He handed the phone back and Alec took it eagerly only to immediately wilt when he realized the picture was one he had already seen.

“Your sister is devastated. She idolizes you, you’re her big brother that means the world to her. What I’m going to explain next in no way diminishes how desperately happy your sister is going to be when she finds out you’re still here and I want to make sure you understand that.” Alec listened intently and Magnus pointed out the _parabatai_ rune his own torso, “This means _parabatai_. Not all Shadowhunters have it. It’s considered sacred to your people and involves a lot of time, preparation, testing and a ceremony to achieve. It’s a bond, Alec. A bond between two Shadowhunters’ souls.”

Alec’s eyes widened and he quickly looked up at Magnus.

Thank the Angel, he could quickly dispel that idea from Alec’s mind.

“Not like that,” Magnus laughed a little, “It’s a platonic thing but no less intense. You’re bonded with your brother Jace. The primary purpose of the bond is for synchronicity in battle. I’ll be honest with you, the two of you have always been useless at explaining much of anything to do with it, so I’m not the best person to give you a full depth of understanding. What I want you to know now is that the bond coordinates you when fighting, it allows you to feel the other’s emotions and if you’re injured.” He pulled in a deep breath. “You hav… you _had_ a piece of Jace’s soul and he had a piece of yours. Losing a _parabatai_ is considered the most pain a Shadowhunter can feel. Many don’t survive it and more still go mad after the loss. When Jace woke up alone outside of that warehouse with his matching rune gone and he realized he couldn’t feel you he was…”

It was weak and it was selfish, especially towards Isabelle who had already endured too much, but Magnus was grateful he didn’t have the memory of Jace waking up outside of that warehouse. It had to have been cutting.

Although, if he had been there that night – if Alec had just _called him_ to come help – then none of this would have happened.

“Sad?” Alec guessed tentatively when Magnus didn’t finish the sentence.

_Sad_. This poor boy had no concept of the depth of their feelings for him. How could he?

“Shattered.” Magnus answered as best he could. Truly, he didn’t think there even was a word for how Jace was living right now, “His soul has literally broken into a thousand pieces and I honestly thought no one would be able to put him back together again because some of the pieces – _you_ – were gone. The guilt alone has been consuming him.”

There was an instant look of confusion on Alec’s face. He tilted his head and frowned at Magnus. “Guilt for what? You said he woke up outside, so he must have gotten hurt?”

How was it that _this_ Alec had a better sense of physical limits than he did with his memories?

“Shadowhunters, the entire lot of you, have very unhealthy relationship with battle. There is no ‘my body couldn’t take any more and I collapsed’ to be used as an _excuse_. You’re all expected to get back up or else, no matter what’s wrong. Jace is considered one of the fiercest warriors, he’s the most gifted fighter your generation has. There’s an enormous amount of pressure that goes with that. Pressure put on Jace from the outside and pressure Jace puts on himself.” Magnus tried to keep his frustration in check but he could tell from the look on Alec’s face that he was mostly failing.

Now wasn’t the time for a sermon on Shadowhunters and unrealistic expectations.

He sighed, “He failed the mission, getting knocked out like that… or at least, that’s how he feels. Then adding into that is the fact that you needed him and he wasn’t there. You were dying, he thought, and he didn’t save you. What good is he if he can’t even protect the other part of his soul? He failed and his brother and _parabatai_ is gone forever.” His voice almost broke on that last word.

He had been staring at _forever_ without Alec and it had been… unfathomable. Unendurable.

Alec looked thoughtful as he passed back his phone, “Go back to the other one, please?”

Magnus found the picture of the three Lightwoods and returned his phone to Alec, “He can’t sleep, he won’t eat. He can’t function through the pain of losing you. When he speaks to us, it’s almost always about how he wants to be with _you_.”

Saying these things…

They physically hurt.

He had thought he had any concept of what losing his mortal lover would be but he had been a fool. Never in all his centuries had he felt pain like this last month. He knew what Jace meant when he talked about being with Alec.

He knew it because he had felt the same way.

“But…” Alec started to ask. And then he stopped. He looked at Magnus and the warlock felt painfully seen.

“I have to call them, Alec.” Magnus pleaded quietly. “I have to let them see you, see you’re alive.”

“I’m not… they’ll…” Alec almost instantly faltered and a fresh wave of fear came over his face.

It was, Magnus realized, the first time since he had woken up that he had looked at Magnus with fear.

The urge to touch, to soothe away Alec’s worries was impossible to deny. He reached out for his love gently, pressing his palm to his cheek to say as clearly and purposefully as possible, “They’ll thank the Angels to have you back. They’ll weep tears of joy. They won’t look at you harshly for your scars. They won’t sneer at you for not remembering them. They’ll just love you. Please, darling, let me call them.”

Alec said nothing but his worried eyes were telling Magnus quite a bit.

“Please, Alexander. You need them and they need you. Trust me one more time.”

“Okay,” Alec whispered.

Magnus couldn’t give him time to second guess himself. He felt a little like scum because he hated when Alec pushed himself to answer things he wasn’t comfortable with just to please him but this was the permission he needed to make the right call for all of them.

He stood up and took the phone from Alec’s hands, quickly thumbing through his contacts until he found Izzy’s name. This sort of felt like the kind of call that required pacing but Magnus wasn’t yet ready to step away from Alec so he stayed right by the bed. His traitorous hands stroked Alec’s hair back from his slightly too warm forehead as he waited for Izzy to answer.

_Please, Isabelle, answer me and I’ll make the entire world brighter._

Alec shut his eyes and though he didn’t lean into Magnus’ touch, he still seemed to be basking in it.

_“Magnus? Are you okay?”_

That seemed to be all Izzy was asking anyone lately. If Magnus had been less of a ruined man, he would have helped her more. _Should_ have helped her more. Instead, all he had been able to offer her was a safe place to break down and sob sometimes. Either in his loft with her face buried in one of Alec’s oldest sweaters or in his arms if she needed to have someone who shared her pain.

“Izzy, I need you, Clary and Jace to come to the loft urgently.” There was no way that he could tell her over the phone.

Under his hand, he could feel Alec flinch at Clary’s name. He had admittedly decided not to mention her on purpose but Clary would know better than to smother Alec when she arrived so he hoped there was no real harm in it. He would explain her when he hung up with Isabelle.

_“Jace um, had a bad night. He’s in bed right now and Clary texted me that she thinks he’s falling asleep finally.”_

The timing wasn’t good, Jace barely slept and he needed rest desperately, but this was more important. “I know, trust me I know. But believe me, this is worth it. Do whatever you need to get Jace here quickly, all right?”

_“I trust you, Magnus.”_ Izzy said simply. _“We’ll portal in as soon as we can_.” And then she ended the call.

He slid his phone into his pocket and looked down at his worried love, “They’ll be here soon, darling. And I felt you flinch when I said Clary’s name. She’s Jace’s girlfriend and she loves your brother with her whole heart. She’s on our team, I promise.”

When Alec opened his eyes, there was a mixture of growing sleepiness and concern in them.

He knew there was no chance he could convince Alec to go back to sleep with Izzy and Jace on their way. Honestly, he wouldn’t even try. But there had to be something he could do to make Alec feel a little more secure about this whole thing.

What if…?

If Alec could see everything that was happening, from the bed because he wasn’t getting out of it anytime soon, then maybe he would relax a little.

Magnus looked around the room for inspiration before he zeroed in on the hand mirror sitting on his vanity table. “Hmm, we can make this better…”

The spell was fairly easy. Magnus had done it many times before, although usually for sexier reasons. Once he saw the reflection of his living room in the mirror, he brought it back to Alec and handed it over to him with a pleased smile, “Here, darling.”

His sweet boy took the mirror with an utterly perplexed expression on his face. “Thank you?”

When Magnus laughed, Alec blushed.

_Interesting._

_Interesting and lovely._

“Look, Alec.” He encouraged instead of commenting.

Alec did and his eyes immediately widened.

“That’s my living room,” Magnus pointed past the door, “Just out there. You need to stay in bed and rest, I don’t want you on that foot at all. But I know you need to see their reactions too, so this way you can stay cozy in bed and watch at the same time.”

Alec was studying the space with the same sort of interest he had given the pictures. He was so hungry to know, it was incredible to watch him.

“That’s a lot of bottles,” Alec said finally.

Magnus had forgotten about that. He almost winced, “Ah, well…” He waved his hands towards the mess and sent a pulse of his magic out there to set things to rights. “My apologies, I haven’t left your side since we got home and I forgot all about the mess. Cleaning seemed so pointless when…” He trailed off awkwardly.

Cat had tried a few times to take the booze from him but the buzz from the alcohol was the only thing that numbed even a fraction of the pain.

Alec gave him a hesitant smile, as though he saw some shadow of Magnus’ pain and wanted to comfort him. He smiled back almost helplessly.

They likely only had a few moments before the others arrived and Magnus didn’t want to spend that time mooning over Alec when he was still so hesitant around him. What he wanted was to hit every point he could to ease Alec’s fears. Any and all of them.

His fear of the monsters outside was easily conquered. Or at least, he hoped it would be. “While we’re waiting for your siblings, I wanted to tell you something else. More like promise you, perhaps. I know there were lots of demons coming after you back in California. You’re completely safe in this loft. I have magical protections around this building that will keep any demon from getting through, it’s never happened and I swear to you it never will. You don’t need to be afraid.”

Magnus knew instantly that it was the right thing to say. Alec looked so immediately relieved and even though he thought Alec had been relaxed before, he sank down into the bed a little bit more, as though he felt like he could really let go now.

“Thank you,” Alec said as he looked up at Magnus with clear gratitude.

He didn’t _love_ being thanked for keeping Alec safe. He understood why Alec was thanking him but the thought of _why_ rubbed him the wrong way. Had Alec truly been shown so little kindness while he was in exile?

How could he even begin to ask those questions?

Especially about the money in his backpack. _That_ was still weighing on his soul heavily.

Before he could say anything else, something in the mirror caught Alec’s attention. Magnus leaned in a little closer to see what it was.

A golden portal.

“Someone is coming.” Alec said with equal measures of fear, dread and excitement in his voice.

“Clary can make portals. She’s got some… unique skills.” Under no circumstances did Magnus want to start getting into Angelic lore and blood and _Valentine_. “I’m going to go meet them. I want you to shout for me if you need me or if you start feeling unwell, okay?”

Alec mumbled something that sounded sort of like _sure_ but he was utterly engrossed in the mirror.

Magnus resisted the urge to stroke his forehead again. He would only be procrastinating when he needed to go out to the living room to greet Alec’s siblings.

This, at least, was going to be wonderful. He was about to repair their hearts in ways that he had never thought possible.

And _Jace_ … Magnus couldn’t even begin to guess how Alec’s _parabatai_ would react.

He turned away from Alec even though it hurt and went towards the portal in the living room. This was about to be one of the hardest and easiest conversations of his life.

**\--- Between Chapter Eleven & Twelve --- **

Cat’s hug was halfway to suffocating but it was restorative all the same. He was exhausted and though he was in no way close to being comfortable enough to sleep, he was willing to take a few moments to catch her up while Jace and Izzy sat with Alec.

“How are you?” Cat asked him in a voice that said she had a fairly good idea.

“Not much has changed since we last spoke.” Magnus said truthfully. “My heart is even more likely to explode, if anything.”

Cat pulled away and looked him over critically, “Have you slept at all?”

“Are you mad?” Magnus asked her seriously. How could she think he would sleep _now?_

His oldest friend rolled her eyes at him for roughly the ten millionth time, “He’s not on death’s door, Magnus. And you said you called his siblings here. Isabelle and Clary are more than capable of making sure he continues to breathe while you catch a few hours rest.”

It was not an oversight that Cat hadn’t mentioned Jace. None of them trusted him to keep _himself_ alive right now, let alone take responsibility for anything else. Although Magnus had no doubts he would be viciously guarding Alec for months to come, he still wasn’t mentally well and there wasn’t any way around that.

“This feels like a dream, Cat. I might have honestly gone mad.” Magnus admitted to her, although he knew she understood.

“Then sleep is all the more important.” She practically scolded him. “I’ll check over Alec and if he’s doing as well as I think he will be, will you rest for a while?”

Magnus just stared at her.

Cat sighed, “You said he woke up?” She asked as she went over to the couch and sat down.

He followed suit, although his eyes kept drifting towards his bedroom door. “He was quite lucid. We discussed a lot of things but I mostly worked on explaining as much as I could.”

“God, how do you even catch someone up on their life _and_ the entirety of the Shadow World?” Cat shook her head as she thought through the enormity of the task that Magnus had just attempted. She waved her hand and a full tea service appeared on the coffee table between them. It was a homey blue clay set and somehow the lack of formality in what she conjured had Magnus sagging into the cushions of his armchair even further.

“I focused mostly on the Shadow World to start.” Magnus admitted as Cat began to pour their cups. “He thought he was being attacked because he was _cursed_ , Cat. He thought he was being punished for something.”

Cat’s face fell a little. She was Alec’s friend too and though she was generally not an overemotional person, this was beyond any of their abilities to keep a stiff upper lip. “He really knew nothing?”

“Absolutely nothing. He was calling demons _monsters_. When I called him Alexander he looked at me funny because back in that apartment we told him his name was Alec.” Magnus recounted. “He told us he woke up in that apartment with the clothes he was in when he left the Institute that night. He found a box of crackers in the apartment. That was it. That’s all whoever this bastard was gave him.”

The urge to get up and throw his hands around as he paced was strong.

Cat must have seen that because she quickly handed him a cup of tea with just a little sprinkle of sugar in it. He might have liked to pour a shot of brandy in it but he knew if he tried Catarina would vanish the cup.

“Chamomile,” Cat said, “You need a little relaxation.”

“Didn’t you hear me, Cat?” Magnus’s eyes widened in incredulity, “Someone left him on the other side of the country with no food, no money, one set of clothing and absolutely no knowledge of what the hell he was seeing. What if he went to Mundanes for help and told them he was seeing monsters? They could have taken him to some mental ward and drugged him up and I wouldn’t have ever found him!”

“Hey,” Cat said firmly, “Stop dreaming up nightmare scenarios and drink your tea.”

Magnus took a sip of tea that ended up being more of a burning gulp.

She softened a little, “It’s inhumane, what was done to him. I’m not saying it wasn’t, I’m just saying you can’t torture yourself with what ifs. He didn’t go to any Mundanes, he didn’t get put into mental health treatment. He’s here. He’s going to be okay.”

“I looked through his backpack, Cat. There’s _money_ in there.” Magnus said quietly.

Cat didn’t need him to spell out his fears, “Have you asked him about it?”

“ _No_ ,” Magnus said with feeling. “How could I? _Hey, darling, can you tell me if you turned to prostitution to keep from starving to death? It’s just that I found some cash in your private bag that I rooted through and while I’m not up on the going rate of a blowjob, I’m concerned.”_

If that was what had happened, then a blowjob was the _best_ Magnus could hope for and that knowledge made him sick.

“Keep drinking your tea.” Cat encouraged him with the authority of someone who had lived in England during the Victorian era. She even took her own sip as though to model what he was supposed to do. “Don’t let your mind go there. He’ll tell you himself eventually. There’s no point in torturing yourself, Magnus. It won’t help him.”

Magnus threw the rest of the cup back as though chamomile was some sort of potion that was going to calm him down. Cat snorted and floated the cup back over to her so she could refill it.

“Did he give you anything else you can use?” Cat asked as she returned his cup to him.

He dragged a tired hand down his face, “Not much. The apartment seems to have been paid for by someone. The utilities were never shut off and no one ever came into it for showings.”

“That’s good.” Cat agreed, “At least he was given shelter and running water.”

“Yay,” Magnus said sarcastically. He took a sip of his new cup of tea and wrinkled his nose. Too sweet.

Cat only sighed, “It’s the barest of minimums but I’m still grateful he had it.”

Magnus was too, even if it was infuriating in its own way. He stifled a yawn because he didn’t want to give Cat any ammunition, “He also informed me that the spots where his runes were, he calls them scars, hurt. Hurt badly, if I was reading him right.”

“Of course they do.” Cat shook her head as she marveled at yet another layer of pain someone had inflicted on his Alexander.

“I’m going to…” This time the yawn wouldn’t be denied, “I’m going to make some sort of serum I can put on them to at least numb the pain for him a little.”

“After you get some sleep.” Cat said with a firm nod.

Magnus shook his head. He took another sip of the tea, grimaced at the sweetness and put it back on the table. “No, there’s no time for that. I need to check on Alexander-”

“You said his siblings were with him, they’ll keep an eye on his condition.” Cat countered smoothly.

“And then I need to get started on something for his missing runes.” Magnus continued as though she hadn’t spoken. Let her tell him that the Shadowhunter children were going to brew potions for Alec.

She didn’t, but she did stand up and send a pulse of magic to his chair. It extended out underneath him and gently reclined him back, turning into a small but decadently soft bed.

He sat up and was alarmed to find that his entire body was starting to feel heavy.

This felt like…

_The tea._

He glared up at Cat, “Did you drug me?”

Cat smiled unrepentantly, “Yes.”

“I can’t…” He yawned again and cursed himself for not realizing the tea was sweet because she had drugged it. “I didn’t see you put anything in the cup.”

“The tea itself was drugged,” Cat explained as she started to spread a blanket over him. She pushed on his shoulder when he made to get up again.

“You drank some too!” Magnus protested.

That only earned him a snort, “You really are tired, aren’t you? I pretended to take a single sip. I didn’t actually have any. You really should have been able to taste the sleeping potion, Magnus. That you didn’t only proves to me that you really need to rest. I’m going to go check on Alec. I’ll make sure Izzy is okay to stay with him until you wake up. I promise, I only gave you enough to knock you out for three, maybe four hours. I’ll be reachable the entire time.”

She sat down beside him and he glared sleepily at her.

“You need to do this. _Alec_ needs you to do this.” Cat said firmly, “He needs you to be on your game, to be able to read all his cues and know what to do. If you’re overtired you could make a misstep that could really set the both of you back. And your Alec, regular Alec, would want you to take care of yourself. It’s important, Magnus.”

He slumped against the bed. There wasn’t much point in denying her. She had already drugged him after all and he was so desperately tired. He had been tired even before she gave him the tea. He was pretty sure he hadn’t slept in over twenty four hours and it wasn’t as though his sleep before that had been easy. Nightmares had been plaguing him.

“Alec is okay right now,” Cat pressed a warm hand to his cheek and he shut his eyes at the comfort. “He really is. He’s resting too and he’s safe. I’ll check him over and work on clearing more of the infection in his blood. That will help.”

“I…” Magnus said softly before trailing off. He didn’t know what he intended to say.

_I love him so much._

_I’m so afraid._

_I need him to be okay._

_I’m tired._

“I know.” Cat promised and he knew she heard all of that and more. She leaned down and kissed his forehead, “Go to sleep, Magnus.”

He was powerless to disobey.

**\--- Chapter Twelve ---**

Contrary to Cat’s belief, Magnus didn’t spend every waking moment staring at Alec.

He _wanted to_ , that went without saying, but it wasn’t feasible and Alec needed more than Magnus just sitting there staring at him.

Sometimes it felt like there was too much to do.

Magnus was researching a way to numb out Alec’s scars. He thought he was getting pretty close, but he wanted to find a way to increase the efficacy of the cooling sensation without also raising efficacy of the numbing. Having half his body go numb probably wasn’t what Alec wanted and also, Magnus didn’t want to throw his awareness of his own condition off too much. If Alec started feeling especially poorly, Magnus wanted him to be able to say something.

When he wasn’t working on the balm, he was working on the potions needed to clear up the blood infection. They weren’t something he just kept on hand – although now he would because the anxiety was likely to be vicious for years to come – so he was having to step away and make more in advance of Alec’s medicine schedule.

Add in ward fortification (whoever did this might try to come back and hurt Alec if they learned he had been found), malnutrition research (he kept telling himself that it wasn’t that long and Alec hadn’t lost _that much_ weight but…), helping Clary and Izzy with Jace (at the very least, that boy needed a constant supply of sleeping potions) and, grudgingly, sleeping himself, and Magnus felt like he was constantly an hour behind on his to do list.

He had even forgotten to feed the Chairman dinner earlier tonight. Clary had covered for him, replenishing his bowl on time, but he had gotten a haughty look earlier that said he was only barely forgiven.

It was only now, sometime past midnight, when the loft was quiet and dark that Magnus got to finally relax and just sit with Alec. This wasn’t him checking Alec’s wounds. This wasn’t him carefully planning the right thing to say to soothe his terrified Nephilim.

This was just Magnus, staring at the angel in his bed and marveling some more at his ridiculously good luck.

To have found Alec the first time, to have Alec love him – more than he deserved.

But to have found Alec again _after death_? Or after a hellish month where Magnus had _thought_ he was dead?

How? How was he so incredibly lucky? What had he done in his life to deserve the blessing that was Alec’s continued existence in his world?

The dim lighting didn’t keep Magnus from being able to drink in the sight of Alec asleep in their bed. It grounded him. It eased the tightness in his chest and kept the darkness at bay.

How could their lives ever go back to normal after this? How could he manage to ease back into a life that included Alec on missions, Alec aging and leaving him, when this entire thing felt like some divine teaching exercise from the Angels?

_Look at this love we’ve given you. Look how easily he can be taken away. You can have him back this time but next time it will be forever._

Forever…

Magnus dropped his head into his hands. He had regained the ability to look away from Alec, although that didn’t really feel like much of a win.

Telling himself that worrying about those things was silly was easier said than done. They weren’t _silly_ but they were premature. Alec going back to work was contingent on him getting his memories and runes back. Magnus didn’t yet know if either could be restored. There was still so much up in the air.

Aging and mortality though – those weren’t going to change no matter what.

Unless…

_Not now. Don’t do this now._

He was a mess. He was one huge mess.

A soft noise from Alec drew his attention. It wasn’t a sigh, more like a sharp inhale.

Alec’s brow was furrowed, like he was having a confusing dream. Magnus reached out for him and let his hand lay over the crown of Alec’s head so that his thumb could trace between his brows. “Alec, shh…”

They were all having nightmares, every single one of them. Jace and Izzy lived the fire over and over again. Magnus’ nightmares of the fire had sickeningly merged into Alec dying in that apartment. Clary had quietly admitted over a week ago that she kept dreaming Jace’s suicide.

It seemed both unfair and fitting that Alec should join them. This wasn’t the first time one of them had soothed his nightmares away. Perhaps one of the few silver linings to Alec’s condition was that he was too exhausted for nightmares.

The furrow between Alec’s brows eased for a second but once Magnus pulled his hand away, Alec flinched back as though something was jumping for him. He let out a noise that gutted Magnus. It was built of pure fear.

“Alec, love, you’re all right.” Magnus encouraged softly. He kept his voice as gentle as he could. He wasn’t unaware that Alec was one harsh word away from tears most of the time.

Alec’s breathing kicked up, rapid but also strangely silent. It was as though he was trying to be quiet. Magnus’ heart clenched, “Alec! Alec, wake up.”

In seconds, Alec’s face contorted, his expression falling into something that broke Magnus’ already battered heart. He was _terrified._

And then, Alec screamed.

Magnus jerked back in shock. Only for a second and only because Alec had so quickly screamed. He reached for Alec again, opening his mouth to call his name…

But Alec’s eyes opened first. Terrified hazel eyes snapped open and Alec screamed again.

Magnus reached for him, he couldn’t _not_. He wanted to pull Alec into his arms and hold him until reality bled back in. He couldn’t hold Alec before, when he had been so alone and so scared, but he could do it now.

Whatever Alec’s dream had been, whether it was shadowy people ripping his memories away or monsters making him bleed, Magnus moving towards him only made the dream more real. Alec jerked back, scrambling up and away from him with a strangled cry.

Instantly, Magnus backed off and cursed himself. He was being selfish again, thinking of his own needs instead of Alec’s. His boy wasn’t used to touch yet. It frightened him when he was awake and aware, so how could it not now when he was half conscious and scared out of his mind? “Alec, darling, you’re safe. I promise you’re safe.” He made the words as careful and soft as he could. Anything to contrast him with the storm in Alec’s mind.

Alec didn’t seem able to take in what he had said. His eyes darted around the room seemingly unable to focus on anything but searching all the same. Did he think he was still in San Francisco? Did he think that Magnus was going to hurt him?

He moved back towards the foot of the bed to give Alec more space. It _hurt_ but this wasn’t about his needs. This was about what Alec needed and _only_ about what Alec needed.

“My… my…” Alec panted out the words.

Magnus watched him carefully. He was sure that either his side, his ankle or both had been upset by the way Alec had thrown himself back and he was wary of inspiring another move like that one. His magic was barely holding that wound shut and if Alec tore it open again, he risked undoing so much of the healing they had managed thus far. “Shh, Alec, you’re safe. Nothing is going to hurt you.”

“Where…” Alec’s eyes still searched.

What could he want? He didn’t _have_ anything as far as Magnus knew.

But that wasn’t true.

Magnus cursed himself. “This?” He snapped his fingers to summon the backpack he had foolishly left in the living room. He should have brought it to Alec from the start. His boy had one thing, one little bag of supplies, in the entire world. Who knew what he had done to get it and its contents… and Magnus had kept it from him. Unintentionally, but he had done it all the same.

The backpack was clearly what Alec had been so desperately looking for. He snatched it up and wrapped one of the straps around his wrist. The motion looked practiced – was it born of a desire to keep it from being ripped away from him or was there something else going on?

Now wasn’t the time to wonder about that. What he needed to do was calm his love, “You’re all right, darling. Breathe. There are no monsters. Nothing will hurt you here.”

Having the backpack seemed to return some rationality into Alec’s eyes. He still wasn’t connecting with Magnus but he was trying to breathe a little deeper.

“Take a deep breath, love, you’re all right.” Magnus kept a steady stream of encouragement up for Alec, “You’re safe.”

Finally, Alec looked at him. He shut his mouth and tried to pull a deeper breath in through his nose.

“That’s it, just breathe.” Magnus said patiently. He would kneel here all night if he had to. Whatever Alec needed.

Little by little, Alec started coming back to him.

“Magnus?” Alec’s voice was so small.

Magnus smiled at him, “I’m here. You’re safe. It was just a nightmare, Alec.” Calling any of what was being dreamt in this loft _just a nightmare_ felt dismissive and cruel but he needed to make Alec understand that it hadn’t actually just happened. Nothing bad was going to happen in their home, “I promise you, there aren’t any demons here.”

Alec was still so clearly in it. He was taking in the words but their meaning was sliding right over him. He was disoriented in the worst way.

Again, Alec’s eyes frantically scanned over the room. Magnus watched him patiently. He needed to let Alec do this.

_See, my love? You’re home. This isn’t that awful place. Nothing will hurt you in our home._

He didn’t say those words. It was too soon.

When Alec slumped against the headboard, Magnus knew he finally understood where he was. “Can I come closer?”

The way Alec looked at him absolutely heartbreaking. There were no walls up around him now. There weren’t any defenses around Alec.

This was perhaps the moment he needed to be most careful in. Alec was aware but he wasn’t fully awake by any means. If Magnus said even the slightest thing that implied something bad, Alec would be wounded instantly.

There was someone hurt and almost feral in front of Magnus. Someone backed into a corner that didn’t yet realize the hand reaching out to them wouldn’t lash out. There was no time to lament that this was what someone had reduced his strong Alexander down to. There wasn’t any time to mourn. He _could not_ let those emotions enter his eyes.

When he stared back at Alec, he let his eyes reflect only love and patience.

Alec didn’t know him. Alec barely knew what love and patience _were_. Still, he recognized them in Magnus. He nodded his permission but that didn’t mean Magnus was going to rush up to him and start touching.

_Go gently…_

Alec had tangled himself up in the blankets and Magnus had no doubts his ankle was protesting vehemently about all the rough treatment. With Alec’s body nearly mundane without his runes, there was only so much magical healing that could happen at any given time. They _had_ to focus on the blood infection and the wound in his side. His little scrapes and bruises had to wait. Even his ankle had to wait.

His first order of business was to check there. It was hard to get a visual reading on it when he uncovered Alec’s leg so he reached out with his magic and had to keep the worried frown from crossing his face. Alec was going to pay for this tomorrow morning but for now, Magnus could ease his pain.

Alec _sighed._

When Magnus looked back up at him, it was obvious that Alec was falling back asleep. Though he was glad to have reassured him and eased his pain enough for that to happen, Alec hadn’t eaten in hours and that wasn’t okay. Even a few bites of food now would help. “Don’t sleep yet, darling.” Magnus said, taking care to keep the words from sounding like a harsh reprimand. “Please, I have dinner for you.”

Alec opened his eyes again. He said nothing though and his silence was worrying.

Without letting on that he was growing even more concerned, he just smiled and waved his hand. A tray of food appeared in Alec’s lap and instantly took his attention. That, at least, was one lucky thing in the middle of this mess.

Alec reached out for a piece of bread as though he thought it might only be a lifelike projection. Magnus summoned some compression wrappings for Alec’s ankle but he kept an eye on Alec and the way he was slowly working his way through an honestly fairly small hunk of bread. He had summoned finger foods on purpose and it was apparently the right choice.

“Tell me if this is too tight, Alec.” Magnus requested quietly as Alec ate. He got no reaction that but there wasn’t any pain pinching Alec’s expression and he didn’t flinch or anything, so Magnus was going to take that as _it’s not too tight_.

Though he expected to be turned down, he still asked, “Do you want to talk about your dream?”

That got him a resounding _no._ Not verbally. Alec was apparently too out of sorts to speak to him, but pretty much everything in his body language said the word for him.

“That’s all right.” Magnus said quickly while he kept working on providing some stability to Alec’s ankle. He had only taken the compression bandages off a few hours ago to see how the joint did without them after a healing session. He cursed the choice now. “We don’t have to talk about it. If you ever change your mind, you can talk to me about anything, okay? Anything at all.”

And still, Alec said nothing.

Magnus badly wanted to know what that nightmare had been.

In the five minutes it took Magnus to get Alec’s ankle wrapped, Alec went from slowly eating and looking at him to staring at nothing while he chewed the same bite for too long. When he finally swallowed, he didn’t pick anything else up.

“Alec?” Magnus asked worriedly. “Are you full?”

Alec’s eyes connected with his again but there was nothing but a surreal sort of lost look in his eyes. It was as though he was still partially asleep. That could be the exhaustion he was still recovering from or it could be some sort of after nightmare headspace.

With an aching sense of caution, Magnus reached out and laid his hand on to Alec’s forehead. He was a little too warm, but nothing that suggested this was some sort of fever-induced delirium.

Alec watched him so intently. There were tears building in his eyes.

Again, Magnus was struck by just how fragile Alec’s emotions were right now. “That was quite the dream, wasn’t it? Lay back down, darling boy. Everything is okay.” He turned on some soft music to fill the space with a different mood.

Alec obeyed but that was the last blow to the feeble dam holding back his tears. He didn’t _sob_ but he was crying as though everything was wrong in his world. Alec wasn’t usually one for tears. Before this, Magnus had found him almost afraid of letting any hint of his tears be seen, no doubt a behavior ingrained in him from childhood. This Alec either didn’t share those hang-ups or he was beyond any ability to hold them back.

Once Alec was lying down again, Magnus carefully wiped his tears away. He moved slowly, clearly giving Alec a chance to see his hand coming towards his face, but Alec didn’t flinch back. He pulled the covers up over him again and sat beside Alec carding his fingers through his hair at a steady pace designed to ease him back down into sleep.

The touch seemed to help, as Magnus had hoped it would. His Alexander was always reassured by touch, once he actually allowed himself to have it. It was hard keeping his hands to himself now because, although he knew Alec was afraid of them touching him, he also knew it would help calm him _so much_.

Now, with all of Alec’s defenses down, he was finally allowed.

“You’re safe, Alec.” Magnus murmured to him. “You’re safe.”

Alec’s eyes were shut but tears still leaked out from the corners to trail down into his hair.

“Nothing bad will touch you here, Alec.” Magnus promised him again. He would say it over and over again, all night if Alec needed him to. “You’re safe. I have you.”

The kindest thing he could do at this point was to give Alec a little push back into sleep. This mindset wasn’t going to be eased by him enough to bring Alec peace. Not when he was still so unsure of them. Magnus could be kind but Alec just didn’t trust him yet.

So instead of prolonging Alec’s pain, Magnus used the hand already stroking Alec’s head to press a fingertip to Alec’s temple and send a soft little suggestion into his brain, the faintest little spell to send Alec back under.

_Sleep_

Magnus waited another moment, then, “Alec?”

Only slow, even breaths.

He pushed a little more of the suggestion to sleep at Alec. Not to make him fall asleep anymore, he had already done that, but to _keep_ him asleep.

That done, he raised the lights up so he could see better and then pulled the covers back down.

Sure enough, as he had feared, there was a dark spot of blood on Alec’s shirt. Magnus lifted that even more carefully and found the bandage soaking through with fresh blood. He vanished it away and found Alec’s slowly healing wound open and angry about it.

Magnus sighed sadly. “Oh darling…”

He got to work.

**\--- After Chapter Fifteen ---**

It was somewhere near one in the morning when the balcony door opened and someone came out to join him.

“Want some company?” Clary called to him softly.

He turned to give her as bright of a smile as he was currently capable and waved her over. He was sitting on a conjured swing bench and there was certainly room for two.

Clary came over with a blanket already in hand. She sat down beside him and leaned against his side as she started arranging the blanket to cover the both of them. “I don’t know about you, but this seems like the perfect time for hot chocolate with marshmallows.”

Magnus laughed softly at the blatant nudging and snapped his fingers. Two steaming mugs appeared in the air and Clary giggled as she plucked hers up.

“You realize it’s mid-December, right?” Clary asked him as she blew on the chocolately treat she had just playfully demanded.

Magnus took his own cup and nodded, “I know. There’s a charm on the balcony to keep out the worst of the cold but for once I was kind of in the mood for a little chilly weather.”

“It’s nice,” Clary agreed, “I love fall and winter but like, in small doses. I sort of wished each month rotated between hot and cold so you could never really get sick of either.”

“I shudder to think of the ecological repercussions, but I agree. By the time Christmas is over I’m really ready for spring again, no matter how excited I was for the first cool breeze of September.” Magnus admitted. Being out in the cold was a little less wonderful without being able to curl up around Alec but he dare not bring his boy out here at night right now. Not for safety reasons, they were entirely safe within his wards, but because he knew it would make Alec uneasy and also his immune system probably wasn’t up for sitting out in a chilly balcony in the middle of the night.

His Biscuit was a delightful substitution, though.

She sat quietly for a moment and Magnus took a sip of his own hot chocolate. She was right, it was the perfect night for it.

“So… I saw Alec loitering outside of your workroom and I encouraged him to go in. Then he leaves like half an hour later blushing and he retreated to his sacred bathroom for a really long time.” Clary said with a teasing voice out of the blue.

Magnus laughed a little, “I think he finds comfort in bathrooms, which is sort of sad but mostly kind of adorable.”

“It is.” Clary confirmed, “Izzy and I talked about it. I think he just goes in there to sit and breathe sometimes.”

She paused for a second and Magnus waited.

Then, when he said nothing, she sighed, “Are you going to tell me?”

“Tell you what?” Magnus asked her although he had a fairly good idea.

Clary laughed, “Fine, I’ll just ask if you’re going to be like that. Why did Alec leave blushing?” She said before quickly adding, “You don’t actually have to tell me if you don’t want.”

“I… I might have kissed him.” Magnus admitted in a voice equally lovesick as it was surprised. He _was_ still surprised at his own daring, honestly.

Clary didn’t squeal but that was only because she had been prepared, he was pretty sure. “How was it?”

“Quick.” Magnus’ laugh was a little truer now; he wanted to make clear he didn’t mean there had been any romantic make out sessions happening in his workroom. “But wonderful. I couldn’t help myself, honestly. He… he had made a comment and said something about how I had _loved_ him. As if that was over now. I couldn’t let it stand.”

“He’ll learn,” Clary promised quietly, “He’s already learnt so much.”

They both knew what she meant by _he’ll learn_. Alec would learn what love was and he would learn how to be a part of a family again and he would learn how deep their devotion to him went.

It all just took time.

He needed to be patient.

Magnus sighed, “He also came to tell me he had remembered a tiny little sliver of one of our first times alone together. Before his wedding, even.”

“It’s always weird to think of his wedding. Like, that it actually happened. He literally almost married Lydia. And then you walked in and he made out with you in front of his entire family and half the Clave instead.” Clary reached up and squeezed the hand he had draped around her shoulders.

“I suppose.” Magnus agreed, “It’s certainly the most memorable wedding I’ve ever been to, and I’ve watched Kings marry their third wife right on the spot where they executed the second wife.”

Clary let out a startled laugh, “God, well, Alec’s almost wedding was nicer than that.”

It had been. Magnus sometimes let himself get lost in that sweet memory. Alec, beautiful and confident and assertive, facing his fears and choosing his own happiness. Alec, telling Maryse to be quiet. Alec, kissing him like it had been building up within him the entire time they had known each other.

“How are you doing?” Clary asked quietly.

He sighed, “I’m okay. This is all… I don’t even know what to say. When I begged the Angels for a miracle to return him to me, this wasn’t what I had in mind but I’m so grateful it hurts.”

“I was too, we all were.” Clary said needlessly. “I wanted him back for myself, because we were finally becoming friends, but I wanted him back for the three of you so badly. For Max too, the letters he was writing Jace were breaking my heart.”

Magnus’ eyes shut against the immediate burn Clary’s revelation had brought, “Letters?”

“Emails, I should say. I would read them to Jace. Max didn’t hold back. For someone who’s so much younger than his siblings, he knows them really well. He wrote to Jace all about how much he missed Alec and how much it hurt knowing he would never see him again and how Jace couldn’t dare put Max and Izzy through that again so soon. How Alec would want them to be okay because that’s all Alec ever wanted for the people he loved.” Clary’s voice broke for a second, “I didn’t know twelve year old boys could write such raw letters. Seriously. It was shameless emotional manipulation wrapped up in no holds bar grief. Max wasn’t playing.”

He wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry. All of that sounded like Max, but there was always something about the youngest Lightwood that even when he did something that made them all shake their heads and say _that is so Max_ also surprised everyone around him. “We’ll tell him soon. As soon as it’s safe.”

“Izzy doesn’t want to tell him because she’s pretty sure he won’t be able to act natural. Like he’ll keep the secret on pain of death and he would probably be right behind Jace to bathe in the blood of whoever did this but he also wouldn’t be able to act like he didn’t know well enough to fool someone if he’s being watched.” Clary explained. “And I get that, but I still feel really bad for him.”

“I trust Isabelle’s decision, but I feel badly too.” Magnus said.

Clary just sighed and leaned her head on his shoulder, “Soon. You’re bringing down that block in his mind little by little and soon we’ll know what happened and how to fix it. Then we can tell Max.”

“Soon.” Magnus agreed. Soon, he would have his Alec back. Soon, they would know who did this. Soon, they could make it right.

Soon, he could kiss Alec and have his love kiss him back.

**\--- Chapter Nineteen ---**

_Magnus knelt on the worn linoleum of a rundown apartment in San Francisco and thanked whichever force in the universe that had brought him to this moment. This second chance that he had been praying so desperately for._

_Alec. His Alexander…_

_Was alive._

_His eyes greedily took in the sight of the angel in front of him and though joy nearly had his heart exploding, the reality in front of him terrified him._

_His Alec, so tall and strong, looked small. The hollows of his cheekbones were painfully pronounced and there were dark circles under his eyes that only highlighted how ashen his already pale skin had become._

_“Magnus, he doesn’t know who he is.” Eva had said._

_How could Alec not know who he was? When he had been working so hard for so many months to discover himself?_

_The flames outside the window cast shadows over Alec that made Magnus’ heart pound._

_No! There was no fire. There hadn’t ever really been a fire. Alec was fine. Alec was here._

_Alec wasn’t fine._

_His boy trembled and pressed himself to a corner to keep from letting Magnus touch him._

_“Magnus, he doesn’t know who he is.” Eva had said._

_There was a scar on his neck, the skin livid red and shiny. It stretched down the length of his neck and though it wasn’t in the exact shape of a deflect rune, Magnus knew that was what it was._

_Where were Alec’s runes?_

_“Magnus, he doesn’t know who he is.”_

_Oh… Oh, Alec…_

_Magnus reached for him, “Alec, darling, I’ve missed you so much. I know you don’t know me. I know you’re probably so scared and so confused. My name is Magnus Bane and your name is Alec Lightwood and I promise you I’ll explain everything that I can. Please, please, let me help you.”_

_“Alec is dead, Magnus. You can’t do this to yourself. He’s dead.” Cat said to him._

_Magnus shook his head and didn’t dare blink. He didn’t want to scare Alec. Didn’t want to lose him again. He had turned his back before, let Alec out of his sight and then had lost him for good._

_No, not for good._

_Alec was here, sitting right there staring at him._

_“Did something out there hurt you? I can help, I promise. I’ll keep you safe.” He promised. He had failed once and the promise felt wrong. He had failed and Alec had died._

_Alec was not dead._

_“Magnus, he doesn’t know who he is.” Eva had said._

_“Please, Alec, let’s go away from here. Let’s go home.” He would promise Alec the world if only he would trust Magnus._

_He had promised Alec his love and his devotion and his protection once before._

_“Alec, please love, trust me. I want to help you more than anything. I promise you, I love you.”_

_Alec stared at him with dead eyes, “Then where were you?”_

_“I would have been there, I promise, I would have come. Why didn’t you call me? If you were going up against a warlock, you could have called me.” The questions burst out from his mouth._

_This was wrong. It wasn’t Alec’s fault. It was Magnus’ fault. He couldn’t take this out on Alec._

_“Don’t let them get me.” Alec begged him. “Don’t let me burn.”_

_“I won’t, Alec. I promise I won’t,” Magnus tried to get closer but Alec just recoiled._

_“You already did.” Alec started to cry._

_Cat shook her head sadly, “Magnus, Alec is dead.”_

_“Come home with me.” Magnus begged as he ignored Cat, “Let me take care of you. Trust me, I promise you I will never let you be taken from me again.” He held his hand out again, closer than ever before._

_Alec’s eyes started to shut and Magnus felt his heart stop._

_“Alec!”_

_Alec slumped down into a heap onto the ground._

_“Cat, Cat help me!” He cried as he lunged for his fallen love. Frantically, he gathered Alec up in his arms and felt heat that he could barely stand to touch._

_Cat and Eva rushed to kneel beside them._

_“He’s burning.” Cat said._

_“Magnus, he doesn’t know who he is.” Eva added._

_“Help him!” Magnus could barely think. He knew how to heal. He knew what to do with his magic, so why couldn’t he just think? What spell to use? How could he save Alec if he couldn’t even figure out what he should do?_

_Cat’s magic wasn’t frozen in terrified indecision like Magnus’, it reached for Alec and vanished away his shirt._

_His eyes zeroed in on the wound. Pus leaked down Alec’s skin in fetid rivers. Blood welled, the skin was puffy and swollen. Magnus gagged. “Alec… oh, Alec…”_

_Alec’s fiery fever started to go down and touching him didn’t make Magnus’ fingers burn._

“Magnus!”

_When he turned back to Alec’s wound, it was pouring blood. “No, no…” His heart was screaming._

_Finally, he reached out for his magic and he remembered what he needed to do. Or did he? Alec’s skin was too cool, he was losing too much blood. “Alec, please.”_

_“Magnus, Alec is gone, you can’t do this.” Cat said even as she tried to heal him._

“I’m here, I’m here, wake up...”

_Cat was gone._

_“Eva, what happened?” Magnus asked her desperately. When she didn’t answer, he turned and saw she was gone too._

_A wordless cry came out of Magnus that was built on pain and terror._

“Magnus, wake up. It’s okay. I’m here. Wake up!”

_Alec was going cold._

Something jolted him and his eyes snapped open.

“Alec,” Magnus sobbed.

The cold body in his arms came alive again, twisting and pushing and Magnus was terrified of what happened when he let go.

How could he ever let Alec go again?

“I’m here. I promise, none of that was real. I’m right here.” Alec promised him. His voice wasn’t accusing or afraid anymore and the difference felt like a slap to the face.

He stared at Alec almost uncomprehendingly at first. His eyes swept over Alec’s features and slowly reality set in. This wasn’t the terrified version of Alec from San Francisco. This wasn’t the tentative young man giving Magnus shy smiles as he ate food ravenously.

This was Alec, _his_ Alec.

“I’m here, it wasn’t real.” Alec promised again. 

That wasn’t true. The dream – because he realized now that was what it had been – was mostly made up of truth. “It _was_ real.” Magnus said with a tight voice, “It was so real. I thought… I thought the dreams would get better now that I have you back. I…”

“Shh, it’s okay.” Alec stroked his hand down Magnus’ cheek, “Take your time.”

Magnus was no stranger to nightmares. His mother, his failures, people he had been unable to save, his father, the bad moments with Camille… with a past so full of choices, how could his unconscious mind resist?

In the aftermath of the fire, Magnus either fell into drunken unconsciousness that blessed him with dream free oblivion or he fell into a true sleep and then the horrors of reality would play twisted visions for him to recoil from while he slept.

He had thought that would get better. It _had_ started to get better.

Some part of him felt kind of betrayed by his own mind. How dare his subconscious do such a thing to him on his very first night having his Alec back in his arms?

And now Alec, who still had so many of his own hurts that needed to be healed, was the one comforting _him,_ “Cat brought me to the apartment but when I got there, you… it was so different.” Magnus said slowly. The words felt like poison he needed to get out, “Some things were the same but Cat kept telling me you were dead and you wouldn’t let me touch you and then you collapsed. We all rushed to you but nothing we did… none of it worked. And then Cat disappeared and Eva too and I was alone trying to save you but you were going cold and your wound just kept bleeding and…”

The image of blood pouring from an inflamed, infected wound flashed in his mind. He was holding Alec so tightly… “Your wound!”

Magnus let Alec go quickly. He threw his magic towards the lamps, lighting the room quickly so he could get to work healing Alec without wasting time.

The only thing he did even a little carefully was to tip Alec onto his back and move his arm to get at the wound. He couldn’t make this worse. Couldn’t hurt Alec any worse than he already had. “I was holding you so tightly, pressing right on it.” His hands ran over the skin around the wound and the lack of blood there was almost startling, “God, Alec, I’m sorry.” It wasn’t hot, it wasn’t swollen. Magnus’ heart still pounded, “Does it hurt? Did I-”

“I’m okay.” Alec said gently.

Magnus felt like a massive idiot when he didn’t immediately go for his magic to check Alec over. It was like being trapped in the dream again and _that_ feeling wasn’t helping anything at all. His magic searched through Alec. Through his blood for that terrible infection, through his skin for the swollen, infected tissues...

None of it was there anymore.

That should have been reassuring but he had just seen all of those things and the idea that none of it had been real took a while to sink in.

“You healed it, Magnus.” Alec told him quietly, “I’m fine. You healed me.”

Having his magic and his eyes and Alec himself say the same thing to him was so much of a relief he fell forward like his strings were cut. He clenched his eyes shut and rested his forehead on Alec’s stomach. Taking a deep breath took too much effort but it helped calm his racing heart. “When you passed out and I vanished your shirt and bandage to see what was wrong I thought my heart was going to stop. It was so bad, Alec. It was nearly festering.”

Add that memory to the heaping pile of memories that would never, ever leave him.

Alec’s hand cupped the back of Magnus’ head. “It wasn’t great for a while and then it got bad fast. I…” His voice went a little quieter and Magnus braced himself for whatever painful thing Alec was about to admit to him, “Right before you came, I was lying in that bathroom and I was pretty sure I was dying. I was talking to myself, trying to stay alive long enough for the sun to come out so I could go try buying some other kind of medicine.”

Magnus believed him. Alec had been so close to the edge of death, it had been a terror that Magnus had never felt before when the three of them started trying to pull him back. To lose Alec had been shattering. Then to find him alive only to have him collapse in front of him?

If he had lost Alec then, he would have lost his mind.

He let out another gust of air meant to center himself, “At first, my nightmares were you dying.” Was it any wonder he had used alcohol to keep those terrible dreams at bay? “Over and over again. Sometimes I was there. Sometimes you were screaming for me while the fire ate you up. It was awful. Now, it’s that apartment every time. I always get to you just a few moments too late. And it’s even worse because that’s what nearly happened!”

Alec’s hand stroked his hair. It felt sort of like comfort he didn’t deserve but he dared not say that aloud.

“You did come in time.” Alec reminded him solemnly, “Eva _did_ find me. She called you and you _did_ come. You got to me in time. You healed me and pulled me back from the brink.”

That felt like it barely absolved him. He had done so many things wrong – starting the night of the fire, through every useless day he hadn’t done more to investigate Alec’s ‘death’ and going straight to this moment when he was forcing Alec to comfort him when he was the one who had gone through all of those terrible things.

Magnus lifted his head up because he needed to shake this off and be stronger for Alec, “It was so close. I think I’ll always be haunted by how close it was.”

In some ways, this had changed him on a deeper level than anything else had since his mother’s death.

“The sun is just coming up,” Alec told him quietly, “We don’t have to go back to sleep but just lay with me please?”

No part of him was ready to face the day. To put a strong face back on and help them prepare the case against Imogen felt more than he could endure. It was important and he knew that; the sooner they followed through with the plan he knew Alec had brewing, the sooner he would get his runes and job and bond back.

The sooner they followed through with Alec’s plan, the sooner Alec would again be exposed to the vicious Clave and Shadow World that kept trying to take his love away from him.

Magnus just _couldn’t_ deal with it. Not right now.

He laid down beside Alec again and pulled his heart into his arms. Alec held him just as tightly. They slept as though something was going to come in the night and rip them apart.

Nothing would, not in this loft, not where they were safe.

How was he ever supposed to be able to let Alec go on a mission again? How was he supposed to live his life knowing how easy his purpose for breathing was to take away from him?

When Alec confronted Jia Penhallow and his own people, when he exposed Imogen and cleared his name…

When real life resumed and Alec went back to work…

How could Magnus bear to go back to how things had been before?

**\--- After Chapter Twenty Three ---**

It took _hours_ before Jace and Alec emerged.

The texts from Alec that he had received weren’t enough to reassure him. That he couldn’t be in there with them, even just silently monitoring them, was frustrating in the extreme. He understood why, he _respected_ why, but it had been such a long two days.

What gave him comfort was knowing that once Jace and Alec were settled into their bond again, this was _over._

Or really, as over as it needed to be for Alec. For his part, Magnus still had something left to do and he was very eager to get the information he needed to carry out his own justice.

That wasn’t for tonight. Soon, hopefully, but not tonight.

The girls kept him company while he waited. Simon had long since left – as he had said his goodbyes he had given Clary _and Izzy_ a kiss on the cheek – which left the three of them to wait. That was easier. Magnus liked Simon as much as it was possible to like someone who was sort of like an overexcited puppy. Right now though, his nerves were a little too shot for Simon Lewis’ eager yapping.

He contented himself with investigating Alec’s Institute bedroom while they chatted. It was a nervous exercise but he needed something to do with his hands while they talked.

“How long did this take last time?” Clary asked Izzy as the hours dragged on.

Izzy snorted, which wasn’t promising. “Months.”

“Months?” Magnus repeated from the depths of Alec’s pathetic closet.

“I don’t think it’ll take that long this time. A lot of that was just them learning how to live bonded, now they already know how. They said things felt the most intense right after they were bonded, so I think that’s all this is.” Izzy explained. “Before morning, I bet you.”

Magnus came out of Alec’s closet with a jacket that was so old that holes had been mended and then mended again. There was a shoulder that seemed to have popped out at least three times, judging by both the colors of the threads used to mend it up also the increasing skill that had been used. “This is ridiculous.”

Izzy glanced at the jacket he was holding and smirked, “That jacket or the wait for Jace and Alec?”

“I understand why they need time, I would just rather be in the room making sure they’re okay.” Magnus said to the second option. He didn’t begrudge them this time to soothe their newly reformed bond and though he itched to go check on them, he wouldn’t ever call it ridiculous. He turned Alec’s old jacket inside out to show off the sewing work, “Why would he keep this?”

“When I finally got him to accept a new jacket, he kept that one as a backup. So Jace bought him a backup jacket for Christmas that year and Alec kept that one as a backup for the backup and also told us to stop buying him jackets.” Izzy said fondly, “He was seventeen.”

Magnus sighed, “When Alec moved in with me, I was a little shocked at the state of his wardrobe but I had no idea he had brought the best of the best with him.”

Izzy just laughed, “He’s gotten a lot better. You’d think no one ever gave him any money with the way he acts about clothes. He’s like incapable of seeing the line between comfortably worn in and apocalyptic refugee.”

Alec’s time in San Francisco and the scarcity he had endured would probably only exacerbate his tendency to hoard everything useful and familiar. Magnus understood, he was no minimalist himself, but hopefully he could turn Alec’s thinking around to his own ideas – that having items of high quality meant resources lasted longer if the going got tough.

Not that the going would ever get tough for Alec again. He wouldn’t allow it. Magnus had enough money to keep them for lifetimes even if neither of them brought in another cent. It was hard to shake those fears though – Magnus knew intimately just how hard it could be.

It was hard turning around and putting the jacket back on its hanger in the closet. He would have liked to vanish it but it was Alec’s property, not his, and he knew enough about what Alec had endured that suddenly having resources – no matter how worn out they were – vanish would probably upset him.

The closet was no longer as tempting as it had been before. Alec’s desk seemed too private and pretty much nothing of worth was left in the bathroom, which meant that Magnus had run out of things to investigate without possibly overstepping

He came to stand in front of the girls and sort of just wrung his hands.

Was it too much to portal over his worktable to brew some potions while they waited?

“If you want, Izzy and I can go and you can get some sleep in Alec’s bed?” Clary offered.

Magnus raised an eyebrow at her.

She gave him a smile and a look, “Okay, fine, bad idea.”

Magnus sighed, “A good idea, just not remotely possible.”

“What do you think of Alec’s plan to take all that time off?” Izzy asked, changing the subject neatly.

“Wait, what?” Clary said as she looked between the two of them.

“Alec came into talk to Lydia and I to ask us if we would cover the Institute between us for a while.” Izzy explained.

That she knew too was reassuring. Magnus never doubt Alec’s word but his boy tended to let work bulldoze over him. When Alec said a month, Magnus prayed for a week. Hearing that Alec had actually taken steps to make it all happen nearly had him in a relieved heap on the ground.

“Wow,” Clary said. “That’s actually a really great idea. I’ll help you any way that I can, Izzy.”

“Thanks,” Izzy flashed her a grateful smile, “Lydia will stay on another week or so to get me started and then I’m on my own. Of course they both said I can text them if I need them but I’d really like to not bother Lydia after everything she’s done. I’ll keep it to a minimum.”

It was deeply appreciated that she didn’t even mention Alec in that. “Did he give you any idea of how long he wants?”

“Four to six weeks, he said.” Izzy answered and she pretty much floored Magnus.

The number was _growing?_

He had been told a month. He figured Izzy would tell him two weeks. Two to four if he was _lucky_. Now she was saying that Alec was asking for even more than what he had originally proposed?

“And then being back on a part-time basis. He was vague on the timeline there. I figure a week before he craps out but it’s still nice.” Izzy said. She sounded maybe as bewildered by it all as he was.

“Incredibly nice,” Magnus agreed needlessly. He could tell by the looks on the girls’ faces that he wasn’t hiding any of his feelings about it very well, but he hardly cared if they saw the truth. “I was so worried and then he brought it up when he woke up this morning and my heart nearly stopped.”

Izzy nodded and then glanced at Clary, “Alec was going to talk to Jace about taking some time too.”

That looked to be as big a relief to Clary as it had been to Magnus about Alec. She pulled in a deep breath as though to center herself and said, “He seems really positive about last night with the Silent Brothers. He said they helped a lot. I… now that we don’t have to worry about… I really think he should go with them for a while.”

“Tell him that,” Izzy advised. She turned back to Magnus to include him in her statement, “You should both tell them if you think there’s something they need. If _you_ need something from them.”

Her words echoed Alec’s from that morning and Magnus could only nod in agreement. He had asked Alec for time and Alec had promised it to him. Something might force Alec’s hand but until then, Magnus would be grateful for anything. The idea of letting Alec go on a mission again… it was too soon.

It might always be too soon.

Now that they were talking about it though, Magnus had another request he needed to make. “Isabelle, there is one other thing.”

To her eternal credit, Izzy didn’t hesitate. She sat at attention, so obviously ready for whatever he asked of her.

“When the report comes in, when Imogen or that Blackwick girl gives their full testimony… I need the name.” Magnus said seriously.

It had been grating on him not to have that answer. There was someone out there, two someones really, who owed them a pound of flesh. Who owed _him_ a pound of flesh.

He was going to take that and more.

“The name?” Clary asked, clearly confused.

“It’s the only thing I’ll leave Alec for. The faster we get it the better. I’d like you and Jace to stay with him while I’m gone but I don’t want to delay Lydia when she’s already done so much.” Magnus continued. “I must do this.”

Though Clary was still obviously confused, Isabelle was _not_.

“I’ve been keeping my ear out for an ETA on the completed report.” Izzy promised him steadily, “I’ll bring it straight to you. I can try to contact Jia to make sure she remembers to get the information, although she’s thorough.”

“Especially for two warlocks fully capable of removing a Shadowhunter’s runes.” Magnus said through a clenched jaw.

Understanding dawned on Clary’s face, “Oh, Magnus, I didn’t even think of them.”

“I don’t think Alec has either.” Magnus said, “I’m not going to trouble him with it until it’s time. His focus has been on taking back each stolen piece of his life, as it should be.”

Clary opened her mouth to say something but the door to Alec’s old bedroom started to open and the three of them turned as one to see their _parabatai_ entering the room.

Magnus rushed for Alec. Their hours apart were too much. Now that this was done, Magnus wasn’t letting him out of his sight for anything. Not anytime soon at least.

It was only when Magnus wrapped his arms around Alec that he really noticed any difference. There had been a tension in his shoulders for so long, as though he was always holding himself with a little bit of pain. Magnus had thought it was the scars but now that it was gone he realized that it had been there even when Alec had gotten his scars healed and his runes restored.

Apparently, an injury to your very soul could have physical manifestations.

_Not_ feeling that little bit of agonized tension in Alec was almost startling. It shouldn’t have been. He hated that he had gotten used to it.

Alec hugged him back just as tightly, “I’m okay.” He whispered in Magnus’ ear. “Are you?”

“Ready to go home.” Magnus admitted without shame.

“Can Jace stay with us a little while longer?” Alec asked him in a voice that was almost… _nervous?_ “I… the bond, we can’t…”

“Shh,” Magnus cut him off gently. He pulled back and caught Alec’s face between his hands, making sure that his love was looking at his eyes, “Of course, Alec. Jace can stay as long as you need. As long as he needs. Forever if you want. It’s all okay.”

Though Jace was hugging Clary, Magnus cut a little glance over to him and saw him sag against her at this pronouncement. Their fears almost stung, had they honestly been worried he would say no? “Darling…”

“I know.” Alec said quickly. He gave Magnus a kiss quickly, as though he needed comforting or something, “I know. We just… it’s a lot still.”

It still hurt a little but that pain had shifted more towards the knowledge that Alec and Jace were feeling hyper-aware of any threats towards their newly restored bond. That they needed to be so afraid was just another little piece of Imogen’s cruelty.

Cruelty that Alec had ensured she would remember and pay for through each year she had left in her life. The buzz around the Institute was that Alec had been merciful and Magnus was genuinely pleased that public opinion had swung that way.

Magnus did not agree with public opinion, although he did (mostly) agree with Alec’s choice. Personally, Magnus would have liked to watch the sorts of public executions that used to be en vogue. Barring that, lonely years stripped of everything she had ever worked for be it familial or professional was pretty decent.

When he registered the way Alec was looking at him anxiously, he shook himself from his thoughts.

That was when he noticed that Jace _was also_ looking at him anxiously.

Magnus looked between them. It felt less like they were both nervous and more like they were one person and that person was nervous. It was a little disconcerting, honestly.

Izzy came up behind Magnus and patted him on the shoulder, “You’ll get used to it.” Then, she hugged both of her brothers and said, “If you’re all okay, I think I’m going to go to bed.”

She phrased it carefully but Magnus knew this was probably going to be the first time she had gotten to sleep in her own bed, alone and unafraid, since this entire thing started. With Jace once again bonded to and anchored by Alec and Alec himself safe and whole, she could finally relax.

“Get some sleep.” Alec said as he dropped a kiss on her forehead. “We’re okay.”

“Magnus, Clary, try and make sure you actually witness them _both_ drink and eat something. Don’t take their word for it.” Izzy said over her shoulder as she walked out of the room.

“ _Go to sleep_ , Izzy.” Jace said, although his tone strongly implied that by _sleep_ he meant something else entirely.

Alec looked at Magnus with adorably serious eyes, “We aren’t going to mess that up. Not again.”

Well, wasn’t that interesting? Someday, he was really going to figure out a way to force Alec to explain his soul bond better.

“Ready to go?” Magnus asked the three of them. That he was absolutely ready went without saying.

When he got a chorus of agreement, he opened a portal to the loft almost gleefully. His feelings towards the Institute weren’t _negative_ but he was also not in love with being here and he very much wanted to go home. He wanted to _take_ _Alec_ _home_ even more.

The idea that they might not have to go back to the Institute for a month was almost too much to dream of. Alec seemed dedicated to actually sticking to the plan but Magnus wasn’t going to pin all his heart on it. Their lives were too crazy, even if Alec really was serious about this.

Taking Alec’s hand and stepping back into their home was a weight off his shoulders. “What would make you both comfortable? Do you want to hang out for a while? Get some sleep together?”

“I want to take a shower and then fall into bed for a week.” Jace said before smirking at Alec, “I can do that myself, thanks.” Then he seemed to think better of it and pulled Clary in close, “Well, I might need a _little_ help.”

Clary just laughed, “I think that can be arranged.”

“If you’re doing… _that_ then I’m going to sleep. I don’t need your horniness bleeding over, thanks.” Alec said sort of grumpily to his _parabatai_. His eyes told a different story, though, and judging by the smile on Jace’s face, he was fully aware.

Alec just grabbed Magnus and started tugging, as though he needed a lot of force to get Magnus to go anywhere with him. He followed behind his Shadowhunter with a laugh and a goodnight wave to Clary and Jace.

Once they were inside, Alec shut the door and leaned against it with a sigh.

He shut his eyes, “We’re done, Magnus. It’s done. It’s over.”

That wasn’t entirely true but for Alec, it was true enough. Now was for recovery, for trust in his own abilities to rebuild… and for Magnus to get his own revenge.

Magnus said none of that. Alec deserved to believe that this was as over.

He came forward and pulled his unresisting love into his arms, “It’s over, my darling. You won.”

Alec let out a shuddering breath.

“Alec, we won.”

**\--- Chapter Twenty Four ---**

Ever so softly, Magnus fell into Alec’s memories once more.

He moved like he was air, like there was nothing there at all. Alec’s mind had been violated too many times over. Wounded and battered and nearly ruined – by Vincente and Magnus both.

This was one last time. One last dip inside the golden warmth of Alec’s mind, meant only to find the last person who needed to pay for his trespass against Magnus’ love. He would cause no pain, not to Alec.

He would cause quite a lot of pain to the one he sought.

Searching through memories was so very… _abstract_. Just one of the many reasons why so few warlocks learned how. Combining how the warlock thought about mental organization and how the one whose mind was entered thought about it was hardly ever compatible. That was just one of the many reasons why it was too easy to destroy things along the way.

Like smoke, Magnus wove his way around Alec’s mind. He found San Francisco first. The temptation to watch it all start to finish was _strong_. Magnus sat there in that first moment when Alec opened his eyes all alone and he ached with the need to keep watching.

He did not have permission for that moment.

He had only permission for the one who had almost violated Alec in a different way.

So he left his boy on the ground. Memories were only memories. He couldn’t _do anything_.

And still his heart screamed.

He raced through time. A box of stale crackers. A girl who looked like Izzy and a name that was not his own. A demon a foot from Alec’s face. The moments passed over him too quickly to take in more than a second of them. A few images. A few isolated seconds.

Magnus kept searching.

A dumpster outside of a restaurant’s back door and a man who flung charred chicken into it. Magnus paused only a second and watched Alec, shamefaced and hungry, reach in and burn his hands trying to chip away the outer layer of black to find the overcooked meat at the center and eat it.

_Go, this isn’t yours to watch_.

Blood. A wound that could have been fatal. An old man screaming.

A rising fever.

_“Hey, pretty boy.”_

Magnus froze. The memory froze too.

The idea that another man – a dishonorable predator, a pathetic excuse of a man – would call Alec what Magnus had once called him…

If Magnus called Alec pretty boy again, would he flinch? Would he frighten his love into some sort of flashback?

Rage built. Each new crime this man committed would be another moment he would live in screaming agony.

The man who dared target Magnus Bane’s lover was built like a tank and done up like some low-class thug who thought he was far more handsome than he actually was. Expensive clothes but no actual style. Too much time spent grooming himself and the efforts just make him look like it was still 1996. Unfortunately for Alec, he was tall. He had a good two or three inches on Alec, which made him look small even if he wasn’t hunched in on himself. He probably used to spend a lot of time in the gym but had clearly let that go if his gut was anything to go by. That didn’t mean his strength was diminished though. Without Alec’s fighting skills and in the condition that Alec was in, this man would have been able to pin him down easily.

Magnus memorized his face.

The memory started again.

_“Come on, gorgeous, don’t be like that.”_

_Alec’s steps faltered. Realization had him freezing in place._

Magnus stared at Alec. He took in the bruise like circles under his eyes, how gaunt and pale he looked. There was a sheen of sweat on his skin, obviously ill. Alec was beautiful. A rare sort of attractive that Magnus could say with true authority only came up once in a long while. Though he did not like it, he could also not condemn other people for noticing.

But in this moment?

Alec looked _sick_. He looked so clearly ill it hurt. He was limping a little. His skin was clammy and ghost white. His scarred neck was livid red. He was littered with visible cuts and bruises and he was holding his whole body in a way that clearly favored his side.

And this man had seen all of that. He didn’t see an attractive young man out at night, maybe up for a good time. He didn’t see a tired prostitute that was handsome and probably willing to make some quick money.

He saw a vulnerable young man who had a body he could enjoy but none of the strength to push him away. He saw someone too sick to fight back. He knew _exactly_ what he was doing.

Alec was shocked. Alec wasn’t really good at reading people he didn’t know at the best of times, although he was getting so much better at it. This version of him though?

This boy didn’t see the calculation in the man’s eyes.

Magnus did.

There wouldn’t have ever been money exchanged. There would have only been pain and blood and terror.

_The man brushed against Alec’s non-injured side and dragged a finger over his cheek._

Magnus could see how clearly Alec was trying to be brave.

_“Don’t touch me.”_

_The man laughed as though any of this was funny, “Not so friendly, are you? I’m Ricky, what’s your name?”_

_Alec said nothing. His eyes traced over Ricky_.

Magnus knew Alec was sizing up the threat in front of him.

_“Maybe that’s better,” Ricky said. He leaned in close to him and whispered into Alec’s ear. “We don’t need no names, if you don’t want.”_

_Alec staggered back, “Stay away from me.” His chest heaved as his breathing went shaky and fast in response to the fear he was trying so hard to hide. Trying and failing. Alec was so obviously afraid._

_“Don’t get all worked up,” Ricky laughed again like it was all a game. As though Alec’s fear was amusing to him._

Alec trembled and Magnus could do nothing. This was already done. There was no magic in the world that could bend time and allow him to undo all of this. He had looked, after the fire. Oh, how he had looked.

_“I can pay,” Ricky said with a grin, like that meant he would suddenly have Alec’s consent. A man like him didn’t care about anyone’s consent but his own. He was only pretending to care and pretending badly at that._

The words visibly startled Alec, as though it had only in that moment occurred to him where this was going. Magnus didn’t know if that was true or not but Alec’s wide eyes looked so incredibly shocked.

_“Just you and me, nice hotel room, I’ll rock your world so good you should be paying me.” Ricky took another step closer and grabbed Alec’s shoulder, right over a scar. Alec looked like he was about to vomit._

_Ricky leaned in close again, getting near enough to his ear to whisper “I bet you got a nice tight ass.” And then he bit Alec’s earlobe._

The memory stopped again. Magnus felt like he was about to explode.

The bastard, that absolute bastard…

He was in Alec’s memory, he had to remember that. He couldn’t change this. He couldn’t undo it. He had to leash in his power because if he lost control he would only hurt Alec.

When this was done, he could make this cretin pay.

He took a deep breath and let the memory continue.

_Alec looked as though his heart was stopped with a heartbreaking mix of shock and horror. Then, he seemed to jolt himself out of it. He yanked himself out of Ricky’s grasp and screamed,_ _“Get the fuck away from me!”_

_People around them heard. Some stopped and stared. Others only glanced._

_The poisonous man saw what Magnus did and his whole face changed. Gone was the predatory hunger for Alec and in its place was only laughter. That was just the surface though. Underneath, there was growing impatience and anger. He held his hands out to Alec,_ _“Man, you’re so drunk!” Then he leaned in to whisper, “Don’t piss me off, bitch.”_

_He grabbed Alec, his grip like iron._

_Ricky jerked him around so they were walking forward and no one stopped him. Even Alec stumbled along beside him. “Play nice and I won’t get too mad. I like ‘em feisty anyway.”_

_“Leave me alone, please leave me alone.” Alec begged. He shook in Ricky’s grasp._

Magnus watched the two of them with hatred growing. Alec had said that nothing had really happened but this was so much worse than what he had expected. The way Ricky was looking at Alec, the way he spoke to him as though nothing Alec did would make this stop, the things he was saying, the way he touched Magnus’ love…

This wasn’t nothing. This wasn’t an offhand comment and a leer. That he had expected. Ricky still would have paid for it but the punishment would have been so much less.

The magic coursing through his veins, magic that claimed Alec as thoroughly as he did, demanded justice. It demanded satisfaction for what Ricky had done to the one that belonged to he and his magic both.

And the memory wasn’t even over.

Any plausible deniability Ricky had about Alec’s condition was gone once they started moving. Alec was limping and shaky. He stumbled even in Ricky’s grasp. The closer they got to the next streetlamp, the clearer it got that Alec was severely unwell.

Magnus watched with increasing horror as they got further and further away from where Alec had been heading. He could see that horror reflected in Alec’s eyes. It didn’t take someone who knew how to read him to see the fear radiating out from him.

But maybe it did take someone who knew him to see that Alec was frantically planning something. A final gambit to get himself free. Something that had to have worked considering what Magnus knew of the outcome, but still something he found himself silently cheerleading as if this were truly happening right this minute.

_Finally,_ _Alec let his ankle buckle underneath him and the abrupt motion dragged them both down onto the sidewalk._

_It wouldn’t have really been enough, but Alec followed it up with jamming the heel of his hand up Ricky’s nose until a satisfying crack sounded._

Magnus purred in pleasure at the sight of Ricky’s blood and the sound of his pain.

_“Fucking bitch!” Ricky shouted angrily._

_Alec scrambled to his feet, drew his leg back and kicked between his legs as hard as he could. Ricky let out a high pitched squeal and immediately doubled over, hands between his legs and blood dripping onto the sidewalk._

Magnus was nearly bursting with pride. Even beaten down and terrified, Alec was so strong.

_Alec ran._

This was, technically, the end of his memory of Ricky. He couldn’t claim the rest of the memory because it wasn’t what he had been given permission for.

He could leave this memory and be back with his love and see with his own eyes that Alec was okay.

He could not stop.

Not until he saw the aftermath.

It was foolish and it would be painful. He _knew_ there was no comfort for Alec at the end of this memory, no matter when he chose that end to be. Still, he could not leave.

_Alec ran even though his ankle shook under his weight. He ran even though he was an uncoordinated mess seemingly blinding running down random streets._

_The second he could, he darted into a narrow side street so he was out of Ricky’s sight and then again down some little driveway that cut across to a smaller, less crowded street. No more people to ignore him when his eyes pleaded for help._

This frantic run of Alec’s was giving Magnus a good idea of what had happened to his ankle and how it had gotten to be as bad as it was when he had been found.

The _good idea_ got even more solidified when Alec stumbled and his ankle rolled sickeningly underneath him. An audible crack made Magnus wince.

_Alec went down hard. His eyes were wild._

Magnus hadn’t ever seen Alec like this before but he knew the look in his eyes. It was animal. It was base instincts and fear and a desperate need to survive. This Alec needed safety beyond all else.

_Alec gripped the brick retaining wall beside him and heaved himself up. He hobbled forward even though he looked like the pain was going to have him lose his stomach. There was determination in him still blazing but it was being smothered by pure fear._

_He kept going._

_He did not stop._

Magnus was so desperately proud.

_Alec’s hand were shaking too badly to quickly get a grip on the doorknob and his panicked need to get inside wasn’t making it any easier. When he finally got the door open, he staggered inside. He stayed upright long enough to lock the door._

_And then he fell to the ground and just sat there panting and crying._

Magnus watched Alec slide himself back towards his beloved bathroom. They had all found his impulse to sit in the bathroom to gather himself to be cute, a little bemusing and mostly harmless.

Now, seeing Alec so fraught and trying so hard to get there just to put another battered layer between him and Ricky it wasn’t so innocently strange. It was heartbreaking.

It was time to leave the memory, he knew that. Alec curled in on himself and started sobbing. There was nothing left here but torture for himself. Punishment for a crime he hadn’t actually committed. He would eternally blame himself for not investigating Alec’s death better, but all of the pieces to Imogen’s plan were so unprecedented and genuinely outrageous that he objectively understood why they hadn’t realized.

Still, he blamed himself.

Watching Alec shake and cry on the cold ground only made that blame burn inside of him.

Rage grew again, the flames of it fuelling his magic.

In seconds, the memory was reset.

They were on the street again. Alec, sick but not terrorized yet. Ricky, coming with a predatory smile on his face.

Magnus stopped the memory before it could replay. He didn’t need to see it again.

He only needed to study his prey.

**\--- Six Weeks After Chapter Twenty Five ---**

Magnus showed the woman a picture on his phone to prove himself but it was clearly not enough for the suspicious old thing.

“His name is Alec.” Magnus said softly. “Have you seen him?”

“I see a lot of people.” The woman said stubbornly. She turned away from him to answer the phone, even though a middle-aged man that looked like her son was already heading towards it.

While she took the call to try and avoid him, Magnus looked around the little store. It was older, obviously a well-loved part of the neighborhood for years if not generations. The linoleum was dingy but not dirty. The store itself was on the bottom of a large building. There were what looked like apartments or even small offices above it. This type of place was being priced out in cities across America and, in the current climate of San Francisco, was likely not long for this world. It was a shame. Magnus liked these places so much more than the big corporations out for massive profit.

_Some_ profit was okay, of course. Magnus was a man who enjoyed counting his wealth and watching it grow, and he didn’t begrudge anyone else the pleasure of it either.

But billions? Billions when others had nothing? Billions when someone in front of you needed so little?

He was excited for the next revolution, honestly. They were always such fun.

The phone call seemed to be dragging. The woman spoke about desserts and then pushed with descriptions of fresh baked brownies and baklava when whoever wasn’t biting. Good business, perhaps, but more like another stall tactic.

Eventually, she had to admit defeat. She hung up the phone, put an extra couple of minutes into writing up the ticket as though she hadn’t been doing so during the call, then she personally walked it back to the pass so she could hang it up herself. She took a moment to speak with what looked like another son or possibly a nephew considering he had the most fortunate nose in the group.

But Magnus didn’t move. _Wouldn’t._ He admired her tenacity though.

Grudgingly, she came back up to the counter, “You’re still here? Are you ordering?”

“Will I get your full attention if I do?” Magnus asked politely.

She hrumphed at him.

He held up his phone again, “His name is Alec.”

“I told you, I see a lot of people.” She said, though her eyes seemed a little too keen on the picture and her hands wrung together for a single second before she seemed to catch herself.

“He’s my boyfriend.” Magnus said, “Although boyfriend is too casual a word. He’s the love of my life. There was a fire and we thought he had died. In reality, he was injured and he lost his memory. We think he doesn’t know who he is or that he has me, two brothers, a sister, parents and friends who are frantic for him.”

The old woman swallowed heavily before rolling her eyes, “Quite the story.”

Magnus turned his phone around from the picture of him and Alec on the balcony. In quick succession, he turned the phone back and forth between them to show her a photo of Alec and Max, then Alec, Izzy and Jace, then Alec and Maryse where they were both actually smiling, then a photo of Alec and Madzie, then Alec alone practicing his archery with beautiful concentration on his face, then another four of him and Alec.

Then he showed her the burnt out warehouse.

And then finally, a news headline from the blaze. He showed her this one as quickly as possible, so she couldn’t catch much more than the picture and the headline. If she caught too much of the location, Magnus’ story started getting dicey. Across the country was quite the distance for a homeless, destitute amnesiac to travel.

“Ma…” The son said before trailing off.

The old woman sighed before looking up at him. Her eyes were touch less critical than before but still so very suspicious, “And what will you do if you find him?”

“I’ll love him.” Magnus said simply, “I’ll bring him home and help him.”

She sighed again as though she was as old as Magnus was and was in desperate need of a forty year nap. He got it, he really did.

“He’s come in a couple of times. Haven’t seen him in over two months. We’ve been keeping our eyes out.” She finally cracked. “He came the first time and stole some medication. I let him, he looked scared. Then he came back and had money, I don’t want to know how he got it. He seemed happier though, so hopefully he just stole that too. He confessed to stealing and asked to pay for what he had taken in addition to the things he was buying. I gave him a sandwich. I hoped he would come back, but he didn’t.”

This, Magnus now had confirmation, was the one who had sold Alec his backpack of supplies. Alec had told him she had fed him too and had been gruffly kind when he needed it.

Magnus smiled, “You’ve been a massive help. Thank you for your kindness towards him. He couldn’t remember the name of the store who had helped him, so I wanted to be sure it was you.”

That seemed to draw her up short, a sensation she probably hadn’t felt in what Magnus guessed was a solid fifteen years.

“I already found him. He’s doing much, much better. He told me what you did for him and I wanted to thank you.” Magnus said with a smile finally allowed to break through. He placed a thick yellow envelope on the table. “Thank you, truly. I cannot thank you enough but I hope this is a start. Never lose your willingness to help people who truly need it, _please_.”

And then he left.

In his long life, he had found that the good people rarely accepted big presents easily. It was best to give and run, lest he get stuck arguing for an hour. He had places to be, after all.

As the door shut, he heard the old woman let out a cry of shock and her son started shouting for the other employees to gather around.

Magnus stopped just past the windows and looked up at the building above. He hadn’t bothered to get a full count of how many people rented space but with the deed to the building he had just given them he was sure they would have the money for a new floor within a month.

He kept walking and tried to keep the smile in his heart from bursting across his face. People tended to be creeped out by someone just beaming as they walked down the sidewalk.

A man in front of him dressed in a navy suit with scuffed black shoes was talking on his phone and staring at a placard outside an office building with a list of tenants. “…my boss was told I was requested… no?... but…”

Magnus watched him fumble with his briefcase, clearly flustered. The briefcase was discretely mended with what looked like black paint along the edges. Well made, but showing wear. Not as big a priority to keep looking smart as the suit was.

The man was standing in place and Magnus was looking straight at him but he still collided with him.

“I’m so sorry!” Magnus said quickly. He reached for him and tried to steady him so they didn’t both fall.

Though the man looked a little annoyed, Magnus’ quick apology and sheepish smile quelled any harsh words. “It’s okay, man.”

Magnus nodded his thanks and turned around.

“Sorry about that,” The man said to the person on the phone. “Are you sure you don’t have me listed for a meeting today? My name is Byron Jones and I work with…”

At least when Byron found out he had taken a cab across town for no reason, he would discover enough money in his pocket to last him a few months. That and a note telling him that his loss all those weeks ago had saved a life.

Magnus had promise Alec a repayment of kindness tenfold, after all.

Magnus liked to round up.

It had been a while since Magnus had been in California during the day. If he came, it was usually for parties at night. He had forgotten how nice the California sunshine felt on his skin, especially after years in New York. He loved the city he had claimed as home but it _was_ so dreary in winter.

He turned at the next intersection and started scanning the names of the stores he passed. He was close.

The liquor store he was approaching was just as old and worn as the store he had just left, but there was a huge difference in the care shown.

_Five bucks and a cigarette._

Aside from the fact that the man had screamed at Alec and called him a drug addict, he hadn’t been particularly goodhearted beforehand. Alec, bless his Shadowhunter heart, had no idea what the going rate of labor was. A couple of hours of manual labor for five dollars and a stick of cancer was _not_ an appropriate rate of pay.

It gave Magnus the last push he needed to come here.

Through the dirty window, Magnus could see an old man sitting at the counter drinking cheap beer. How sad that he had an entire liquor store at his fingertips to steal from and he _still_ chose the beer that came in cans?

Magnus muttered under his breath and flicked his fingers towards the man. _Discretely_ , of course.

And then he kept walking.

By the time he hit the propped open door, he could hear the sounds of violent retching. He walked quickly, hoping to get away before he got to _smell_ it too.

Hopefully, with a newfound violent allergy to any and all alcohol _and_ an inability to yell when not genuinely afraid without feeling full body agony, Magnus’ spell would sweeten the old bastard.

Probably not but _maybe_.

He certainly got off lighter than Ricky.

It was a pity that Magnus didn’t have time to swing by and see if the city had managed to get that stain up yet.

As it was, he was going to be late. His errand had been unavoidable. The secretary had been quite firm that a payment of this unorthodox nature needed to be made with verification of identity. Magnus had mundane identities the world over, just in case, but for this he had decided a personal touch was necessary.

Still, he and Alec had tasting reservations that he had no desire to miss. Not to mention the fact that he had been away from his boy for nearly an hour. Their tattoo thrummed contentedly on his skin, a tangible and constant source of comfort to him. If trouble came for his fiancé, Magnus would know in seconds.

The tattoo was an endless well of strength for him. They had only had them done a week ago and considering they were of a rune that he and Alec had not yet earned, it had been perhaps a little backwards. Alec was returning to work soon though and Magnus hadn’t been able to bear the idea of not having the tattoo to reassure him when the issue of missions starting coming up again.

Besides, they had a date set for the wedding – that seemed good enough to them. They were married in their hearts.

The tattoo, a blessed gift from Alec that Magnus hadn’t ever thought of prior to having a kneeling Angel offer it to him, grounded his fears and kept him from falling into panicked spirals of depression every time Alec left his side. That was the _point_ and Magnus had known all of that going in, but the reality of it was so much more powerful than he could have dreamed.

As Magnus turned the next corner, he thought of the other unexpected source of joy the tattoo gave him – seeing the wedded rune on his body every single day. Seeing _Alec’s_ body adorned with the wedded rune and knowing it belong to him.

Magnus hadn’t ever wanted a tattoo before. Certainly not a couple’s tattoo, he had always found them to be tacky.

This though?

The appeal was instantly understood. Knowing that everyone who saw Alec would see Magnus’ mark on his skin, knowing that they were joined together for the rest of their lives with each other’s claim, _seeing_ Alec with a permanent mark that belonged to Magnus and not the Angels…

It was stunning. It took Magnus’ breath away _constantly._

Their wedding date drew ever closer and the plans were falling into place with an ease that Magnus hadn’t expected. Normally he agonized over party plans but this time each decision to settled into his heart as _right_. He just thought of Alec and then he knew what the choice was.

Holding the ceremony at the Institute, a symbol for anyone who needed it. Arranging the room so that he and Alec walked from different ends to meet in the center altar to be wed, their own version of walking down the aisle. Jace as Alec’s suggenes, Cat as Magnus’ best woman and their biggest cheerleader, Izzy, giving a reading of an essay Ragnor had written about the union of two forces across time. His friend hadn’t meant unions in terms of love or even people, but it applied so beautifully to him and Alec and it was one of Magnus’ favorite things Ragnor had ever written.

With those details in place, the rest of it seemed so effortless. The cake was ordered. Their outfits were commissioned. Decorations were chosen. Today was the menu tasting.

Really, other than the nightmare that was the seating chart, it was all coming together with surprising ease.

A packed park came into view at the end of the street and Magnus felt his heart kick up with the knowledge that soon he would see Alec. That was never something he had felt before – the sensation of just wanting to just burst out laughing because he was so happy. He did it even when he was alone.

He was happy. Incandescently happy.

Magnus walked into the park towards where he had left Alec to go on his errands. Alec had his own task he wanted to accomplish. This was the one he wanted to handle himself. Just being in these places again was difficult for him, which was why Magnus had handled so much of it. He was happy to do it no matter what, but he was even more happy to step up for Alec if his darling both recognized and admitted that he only had the emotional capacity for so much in a single afternoon.

They were getting there. They were healing.

Once Alec came into sight, Magnus stopped. He just stood there a moment and watched Alec as he tilted his head back and laughed at something the young woman beside him said. He was so relaxed, even though he had been tense when Magnus had left him.

This girl really was something special. She would be an amazing doctor someday. Magnus was happy to help her get there.

And, now that he was seeing her in the flesh and not just on Instagram, she really did have something _Izzy_ about her. They looked similar, but they also just exuded some sort of _confident badass with a heart of gold_ vibe.

He almost had to physically shake himself out of his silent contemplation of the pair of them. He took out his phone and texted the woman he had been working with at the University. She, once she believed him, was rather giddy about this whole thing and was happy to play this final part in the plan.

A confirmation text came back lightning fast and Magnus smiled. The countdown began.

He loved when an orchestration of plan came together so beautifully.

“Magnus!”

Alec’s voice called to him and Magnus looked up from his phone with a happy grin that only grew when he saw Alec’s wide smile.

He walked the last little bit towards them and Alec stood to greet him with a kiss, “Hello, darling.”

“Magnus, this is Angelica.” Alec said, gesturing to the young woman who stood up when he did.

Magnus gave her a half bow, “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Angelica.”

Angelica looked happy if not still a little stunned. “It’s nice to meet _you_. And _Alec_. I can barely believe what he’s told me.”

About the fire. About his injuries and his memory. About finding his family again and recovering. The same story that he had given the old woman.

“I would think it was a bad TV movie if I hadn’t of lived it.” Magnus ‘admitted’ ruefully.

Angelica laughed. “When Matt – sorry, Alec, - when Alec messaged me and asked me to meet him here, this was the last thing I was expecting but I am so, so glad that you guys found each other again. Truly, this is the best news. You’ve made my month!”

“He told me what you did for him,” Magnus started.

Angelica shook her head, ready to shake any credit or praise off.

“No, you did an amazing, kind thing for him. Other people were cruel and you weren’t. I can’t thank you enough.” Magnus wouldn’t let her say what she had done was nothing.

Angelica stopped shaking her head with a sigh, “It was my pleasure.” She settled on finally. “Really, I was happy to help. He looked lost, like he needed someone to just be a little nice.”

“You were more than a little nice.” Alec said gently. “Thank you for the food, of course, you saved me there, but thank you for just talking to me like there wasn’t something wrong with me. Most people were avoiding me like the plague but you didn’t. You’re right, I really needed that.”

Tears made Angelica’s dark eyes shine, “You’re welcome.” She said in a tight voice.

“We will keep in touch.” Magnus said, “I promise. But right now, we have an appointment to get to.”

“For your _wedding_!” Angelica’s tears welled over at that. She wiped them away impatiently, smiling all the while, “I’m so happy for you!”

Magnus smiled, “It’s all rather fairytale, I admit.”

Alec blushed but said nothing. That just made Angelica and Magnus both smile a little bigger.

Angelica’s phone started ringing so she pulled it out from her pocket and groaned, “That’s my school. Listen, I meant it Alec, you have to keep in touch, okay?”

“I will.” Alec promised solemnly. “I promise.”

“I’ll hold him to it.” Magnus added.

“Thank you for checking in with me. I kept coming the park hoping to find you again but you were never here when I came. I was worried. This has been such a relief.” Angelica reached out and squeezed Alec’s shoulder.

Her phone kept going and she apologetically smiled as she answered it. “Hello?”

“That’s our cue.” Magnus discretely whispered to Alec. They waved and turned away from her.

Magnus quickly cast a spell to make sure they would be able to hear what she was saying as they walked away. There was a discrete little circle of trees they would portal out of same as they had portalled in.

They started walking as Angelica continued, “Yes, I spoke with the loan company, they said…Wait, what do you mean the funds were denied? What?”

A pause, “I don’t understand.”

An even longer pause…

“What? Someone… someone paid my tuition for this year?” An even _better_ pause, “Someone paid my tutition for the rest of the time I’m…” A glorious pause, “Someone paid for my pre-med program and medical school, if I get in?”

The sound of Angelica dropping down onto the bench came to them just as they entered the little grove of trees.

Alec turned to Magnus with giddy happiness radiating out.

“You’re sure?” Angelica asked faintly. “I don’t understand how or who… did they give a name or anything?”

Magnus conjured the portal. After all, good people rarely accepted big presents easily. “Ready to go select our wedding dinner menu, my darling?”

The woman from the Bursar’s office gave Angelica his message and they listened to her repeat it in utter shock, “ _Thank you for your kindness. Do good things with it._ ”

Alec took Magnus’ hand as they heard Angelica start to shout their names.

By the time she popped her head between the trees she had seen them heading towards, they were long gone.

They stepped out into a Manhattan street, just around the corner from one of their favorite restaurants. It was run by a warlock who Magnus had been friends with for over a century. Joaquin opened restaurants for fun every few decades, hoping around the globe as he did. It was serendipity that he had opened one so close to home so that he could easily cater the wedding and offer the stunning restaurant as a reception location.

“A pity we can’t invite her to the wedding.” Magnus said idly as the two of them walked hand in hand towards the next piece of planning the start of their future together.

Their long, long future together.

Well, that wasn’t confirmed yet. The research was promising though.

“I know,” Alec agreed, “But it’s more important to me that all the Shadowhunters and Downworlders are unglamoured. I want to say _I do_ to your cat eyes. I want people with runes to mingle with people with horns and fangs and anything really.”

Alec reached for the handle of the door and made to open it for them before Magnus pulled him back for another kiss. When they broke apart, Magnus stared up at Alec’s smiling face and could barely believe _this_ – this stunning, kind man – was his future.

“How on earth did I manage to earn you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading Exile! 
> 
> One last time, please let me know what you think!! :)


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